"And now, from the news capital of the world, it's 'Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.'"
"Hi, I'm Colin Quinn and here are today's top stories..."
"Today, the saga in Miami continued as Elian Gonzales woke up, had a nice breakfast, and went out to play I'm sorry folks, but as a member of the media we are required to say the words 'Elian Gonzales' every 10 minutes."
"By the way, for those of you who don't know, 'Elian' is a traditional Cuban name meaning political pawn."
"Nonetheless, after a meeting with Elian's father, Juan Gonzales, yesterday, Attorney General Janet Reno guaranteed that officials would arrange for Mr. Gonzales to reclaim his son. Following the meeting, a relieved Juan Gonzales said through an interpreter that he thinks the Attorney General is a very nice man or woman."
"And now some news from the future. The year 2015. Earlier today, 21-year-old Elian Gonzales, the Cuban boy who was the center of an international custody battle in the year 2000, reportedly saw 'MTV Spring Break' for the first time, and then attacked his father while screaming 'Thanks a lot, comrade.'"
"With the deadline fast approaching, only 53 percent of Americans have returned their census forms, well short of the minimum goal of 61 percent. My question is: 'How do they know that?'"
"Thirty years after they split up, the three surviving members of the Beatles have collaborated on an autobiography called 'Beatles Anthology,' which they say will dispel some of the myths about their career. While there have been disagreements on the way they remember events, they do agree on one thing Ringo types too slow."
"A new talk show is airing on Court TV called 'Live From Cell Block F,' which featured North Carolina Sheriff Gerald Hege interviewing his actual inmates. Viewers may remember the show by its original name, 'The NFL Today.'"
"This week the Energy Department said that gasoline prices could peak in April at a national average as high as $1.25 a gallon. Apparently, gasoline prices worldwide have gotten so out of hand, that Ugandan cult members now have to set themselves on fire by standing under a magnifying glass."
"Last week, spurred by Monday's guilty verdict in the Microsoft anti-trust case, the software giant's stock fell over 15 percent, dropping Bill Gates net worth to a mere 'more money than any of us can ever dream about.'"
"The Reverend Al Sharpton, Wednesday, announced a campaign of civil disobedience in New York City during the week before Easter to protest recent police shootings. So, keep in mind, if you see kids jumping the subway turnstiles on Good Friday, they're actually political activists."
"The National Zoo in Washington, which lost one of its biggest attractions last year when its giant panda Hsing-Hsing died, is nearing an agreement with China that would bring a pair of pandas to the zoo. Right now, zoo officials are hoping to secure a couple of lesbian pandas because they're so much more fun to watch."
"This week TBS began its new programming format aimed at capturing the quote 'regular guy' audience. A top TBS executive described 'regular guys' as dateless losers who would be home watching TBS on Friday night."
"Four kindergartners in Sayerville, New Jersey were suspended for three days this week for pretending their fingers were guns while playing 'cops and robbers.' The two kids playing cops were suspended with pay."
"A Texas man, Kenneth Payne, after being tried as a habitual offender, received a 16-year prison sentence for stealing a Snickers bar from a convenience store. Not going anywhere for a while?"
"And for the third year in a row, ticket prices for the Mets have risen over twenty percent making the cost of a night at the park for a family of four, 176 dollars. Not to mention the hardship of having to take the 7 train, sitting next to some queer with AIDS, some kid with purple hair, and a 20-year-old mom with four kids."
"I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Elian Gonzalez."
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