"And now, from the news capital of the world, it's 'Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.'"
"Hi, I'm Colin Quinn and here are today's top stories..."
"On Friday the Dow Jones industrial average and NASDAQ both posted their biggest single day point losses in history. The effect is already being felt on Wall Street as brokers, instead of partying with cocaine and topless dancers, are now using the less expensive crack and then rushing them home to their wives."
"After viewing the controversial videotape Thursday, in which his son declares that he doesn't want to go back to Cuba, a frustrated Juan Miguel Gonzales gave protesters the middle finger. Observers couldn't believe that Mr. Gonzales has been in the country for only ten days and he already speaks our language fluently."
"George W. Bush's Presidential campaign is now advertising a calculator on its Web site that shows users how much money they would save under the Texas governor's proposed tax plan. The calculator replaces the measuring device formerly displayed on the Bush Web site."
"Despite trailing Al Gore in polls in California, Governor Bush says that he does not plan to let the Vice President win that liberal state in November. When asked how he plans on doing that, Bush replied 'my father ran the CIA. We'll think of something.'"
"Earlier this week, Unilever, the corporate giant that owns Slimfast, bought ice cream maker Ben and Jerry's. So, basically they're prepared to make money off of any mood swing."
"Next month President Clinton and the First Lady will host a White House conference on raising teenagers. The President hopes to come away from this event with a greater awareness of teenagers' needs and a few phone numbers."
"John Hinckley has applied for permission to leave his mental hospital one day a week without supervision. Attorneys for Hinckley argued that their defendant was ruled insane by 1980's standards, and that in the year 2000 a maniac who commits gun violence because he's lovesick isn't regarded as an 'insane assassin.' He's considered a 'confused sophomore.'"
"Vice President Al Gore visited Avondale Elementary School in Columbus, Ohio Tuesday, as part of his pledge to visit a school every week during his Presidential campaign. To commemorate the event, students forever immortalized the lunch room table where Gore ate as the 'nerd table.'"
"President Clinton declared Thursday that his battle against impeachment last year quote 'saved the constitution of the United States.' Legal experts agreed that Clinton's actions with Monica Lewinsky indeed fell under the Constitutional umbrella of the 'pursuit of happiness.'"
"On the same day that South Carolina legislators finally agreed to remove the Confederate flag from the State House, the assembly also voted to establish a holiday in honor of Doctor Martin Luther King Jr. becoming the last State in the union to do so. The date of the King holiday has officially been set for June 32nd."
"Protestors this week formed a human chain around the U.S. Capitol to demand that wealthy countries cancel billions of dollars in debt so that the world's most impoverished peoples can put the money toward more pressing needs in their own countries. Like building more luxury palaces for their oppressors."
"ABC News is going ahead with a broadcast next week in which President Clinton is interviewed by Leonardo DiCaprio. Apparently Clinton agreed to the interview after he saw DiCaprio's picture and quote, 'thought she was hot.'"
"'Soprano's' cast members Tony Sirico, who plays 'Pauly Walnuts,' and Vincent Pastore who plays 'Big Pussy' appeared on 'Hollywood Squares' this week -- marking the first time there's been a 'Big Pussy' on the show since Paul Lynde was center square."
"Disneyland's Magic Kingdom in California has lowered the age of its adult ticket to 10-years-old, meaning that children that young will have to pay the full $41 admission fee. Apparently Disneyland is now applying the same standard for adulthood as Green Bay's Mark Chmura."
"Thursday, 28 FedEx employees
were arrested for their involvement in a massive bi-coastal marijuana
smuggling ring. Accordingly, FedEx has changed its slogan to 'When
it Absolutely Positively
yo man, where were you? I rang your bell for like 20 minutes!'"
"Fox announced this week that 'Home Improvement's' Jonathan Taylor Thomas will play a potential love interest for Ally McBeal next month. In the season finale, he and Ally become involved in an erotic tryst. Or as Jonathan Taylor Thomas calls it -- two time."
"And a North American reunion tour was announced Monday by British rock super-group 'the Who.' Or as they are known to young concertgoers everywhere: 'The who?'"
"I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it."
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