"And now, from the news capital of the world, it's 'Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.'"
"Hi, I'm Colin Quinn and here are today's top stories..."
"With their principle opponents dropping out following this week's Super Tuesday primaries, Al Gore and George W. Bush have now turned their attention on each other: Starting with Gore, who proposed that he and Bush drop all television ads for the remainder of the race and instead hold twice weekly debates on separate issues. Bush responded, 'Any time, any placeas long as you give me directions.'"
"While Bush won the key states of New York, California, and Ohio on Tuesday, Arizona Senator, John McCain, did win five of the six contests in New England. Or as McCain calls them, the states small enough for you to personally threaten each other."
"After announcing his withdrawal from the race. Former Gore opponent Bill Bradley declared his support for the Vice President despite their sometimes bitter rivalry because quote, 'Now it is time for unity.' To which a grateful Al Gore responded, 'Whatever.'"
"And George W. Bush wasted no time setting his sights on his future opponent. Tuesday, the Texas Governor criticized Vice President Gore saying, quote, 'Gore keeps changing messages, changing headquarters, changing suits. I'm going to keep saying the same thing. And that is, 'It's good to be rich!'"
"In the April issue of 'W' magazine, Calista Flockhart says that the public unfairly judges women by their appearance, and in that way, she's in the same boat as Monica Lewinsky and Linda Tripp. Of course she's in the same boat. After those two, who else would fit?"
"Kathie Lee Gifford, who is leaving her morning talk show this summer, announced this week that she is in talks to play Annie Oakley in the hit Broadway revival of 'Annie Get Your Gun.' If Gifford does join the production, the show will be renamed, 'Audience Get Your Gun.'"
"The annual Mardi Gras celebration took place in New Orleans Tuesday night. 'Mardi Gras' is a French word which means 'Fat Tuesday' and is the day that marks the beginning of Lent. 'Lent' is also a French word which means 'Rehab.'"
"Despite massive protests in the state capital this week, Florida Governor, Jeb Bush, brother of George W. Bush, stood by his commitment to ban racial and gender preferences in university admission and state contracting. Bush of course, believes that preference should not be based on race or gender but rather on family influence and financial backing."
"Opponents of Augusto Pinochet were angered to see that the former dictator was in good health after returning to Chile this week, despite that alleged illness helped him escape a war crimes trial in Spain. In fact, Pinochet said he is feeling so much better, he's thinking about reuniting with his old death squad and going back on the road."
"Broadcaster, Boomer Esiason, was fired Wednesday from ABC's "Monday Night Football," and a replacement has not yet been named. Network executives however, do expect Frank Gifford to beg for his old job back now that Kathie Lee will be around the house more."
"Darva Conger, the bride from Fox's "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire," this week filed for an annulment of her marriage to Rick Rockwell, saying that the union was a mistake and that Rockwell never mentioned that he has a history of problems with women. And you think you know somebody."
"I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it."
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