"And now, from the news capital of the world, it's 'Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.'"
"Hi, I'm Colin Quinn and here are today's top stories..."
"Following a military coup in Pakistan Tuesday, the global community is now faced with an increasingly unstable relationship between two nuclear powers: Pakistan and its neighbor India. In the event of a nuclear conflict, experts envision a destroyed infrastructure, political chaos and millions starving. In other words, nuclear war could set those countries back months."
"Texas Governor George W. Bush's campaign for President continues to pick up steam. Last week, in fact, President Clinton said that Bush reminded him of himself. Marking the most blatant case of negative campaigning in political history."
"Vice President Al Gore's campaign received a boost last week with an endorsement from the AFL-CIO. However, the endorsement did not include the United Auto Workers who pointed out that, in their industry, they have always fought against man being replaced by machine."
"Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous have recently updated the questionnaire that helps people determine if they have a substance abuse problem. Questions range from the standard, 'Have you ever missed work due to drugs or alcohol?' to the newer, more specific: 'Have you ever been so wasted, O.J. had to call 911 on you?'"
"Monica Lewinsky's father, Bernard Lewinsky, is demanding an apology from NBC after a 'Law & Order: Special Victims Unit' episode referred to oral sex as 'getting a Lewinsky.' In a letter sent to NBC, Mr. Lewinsky said it was an 'outrage' and demanded that the reference never be heard again. NBC lawyers responded that he can go 'George Michael' himself."
"Here in New York Italian Americans celebrated Columbus Day last week with a traditional parade down Fifth Avenue. The event, unfortunately, was marred by usual unpleasantness. Every few feet one of the marchers would stop, glare at the crowd and ask: 'What are you looking at?'"
"Pat Buchanan has begun notifying supporters that he will make a major speech on October 25 in which he is widely expected to announce that he will leave the Republican party and seek the Reform Party nomination. But insiders are not ruling out the possibility that he is simply going to announce that he's invading Poland."
"In science news, paleontologists recently discovered the fossil remains of a fierce turkey-sized animal with sharp claws and teeth that may have been the first flying feathered dinosaur, a missing link to today's birds. And according to Strom Thurmond it tastes like chicken."
"Anne Heche and Ellen DeGeneres announced last week that they would like to get married in Vermont, if the state were to legalize same-sex marriages. Until that time the couple said they are 'keeping their fingers crossed,' which has enhanced their sex life."
"A recent analysis of government data reveals that four of New York City's five boroughs are among the top ten counties in America with the highest concentrations of cancer-causing toxins in the air. Ah-ha! Take that, New Jersey."
"Potential New York Senate Candidate Hillary Clinton decided last week, not to attend the Mets or Yankees League playoffs, but said she would go to the World Series. When asked which team she would root for, if both New York squads made it that far, she replied 'which one has more Jews?'"
"French Chefs protesting high taxes last week pelted Paris riot police with eggs. Police retaliated by pouring ketchup all over the eggs."
[Commentary by six-year-old Jasmine and Horatio Sanz snipped from transcript.]
"I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it."
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