"And now, from the news capital of the world, it's 'Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.'"
"Hi, I'm Colin Quinn and here are today's top stories..."
"Peace talks continued last week between Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak and Syrian Foreign Minster Farouq Sharaa in rural Shepardstown, West Virginia. Insiders are not optimistic however, as the last peace talks Shepardstown hosted were between the Hatfields and the McCoys."
"During Thursday night's GOP debate, George W. Bush vowed to stick to his $483 billion tax cut by insisting on, 'Tax cuts, so help me God.' Some pundits felt this was a hollow claim, however, believing Bush probably used up all his favors from God in the 70's when he was lying on bathroom floors with his heart racing."
"Meanwhile, Wednesday's Democratic Presidential debate found Al Gore and Bill Bradley agreeing that, as president, their appointees to the Joint Chiefs of Staff would have to support a policy of gays serving openly in the military. Accordingly, the recruiting slogan for the Marines would be changed from, 'We're looking for a Few Good Men' to the more inclusive, 'It's Raining Men.'"
"Elian Gonzalez has been subpoenaed to testify before Congress, in an effort to keep the 6-year-old Cuban boy in the United States, as the controversy heightened. In the latest twist, 'Weekend Update' has learned that a deal has been struck in which America gets custody of the boy and Cuba gets the boy weekends and every other Stalin's birthday."
"In a surprise New Year's Eve announcement, Boris Yeltsin resigned leaving newly elected Prime Minister Vladimir Putin as acting President. Putin inherits a number of problems from Yeltsin including war in Chechnya, a financial scandal, and 12 unfinished steps."
"After 8 years of marriage, media mogul Ted Turner and his wife Jane Fonda announced this week that they are separating. It really makes you think. I mean, if a redneck billionaire megalomaniac and an ultra-liberal communist sympathizer can't make it work, what chance do the rest of us have?"
"President Clinton said this week that, after he leaves office, he may consider running for Congress from his home state of Arkansas. If he does run however, Clinton would be required to live in Arkansas while his wife is in New York running her U.S. Senate campaign. Asked what he thought of this living arrangement, Clinton responded: 'What do you think I think?!'"
"Police in Boulder, Colorado, are refusing to assist a production company currently filming a movie about the Jon Benet Ramsey murder, claiming that it's not appropriate for the department as the investigation is on-going. A spokesperson for the Boulder Police explained, 'We have nothing to hide we just don't want them ruining the ending for us.'"
"Al Roker's future with the 'Today' show may be in jeopardy as the morning weatherman's contract expires on Monday and NBC has yet to agree to his demand for two million dollars a year. Keep in mind, two million may seem like a lot of money but hey, a guy's gotta eat!"
"New York State agreed Tuesday to pay $12 million to settle a lawsuit filed nearly three decades ago by inmates swept up in the bloody 1971 revolt at Attica Prison. The settlement will be paid in the form of chocolate bars and packs of Newports that can be picked up in the commissary."
"This week actor Charlie Sheen settled a lawsuit filed by two adult film actresses who claimed they were assaulted by Sheen's bodyguard. A source said the actor offered the porno actresses roles in his next movie or cash, but they took the money, afraid that being in a 'Charlie Sheen movie' would embarrass their families."
"I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it."
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