"And now, from the news capital of the world, it's 'Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.'"
"Hi, I'm Colin Quinn and here are today's top stories..."
"Republican Presidential candidate George W. Bush argued this week that six-year-old Elian Gonzalez should not be returned to Cuba, saying: 'It's in our best interest to keep the pressure on Fidel Castro until he allows free elections, free press, and frees the prisoners on that island.' To which Elian replied, 'I'll see what I can do, but keep in mind, I'm six.'"
"While appearing with his wife on ABC's 'This Week' Bob Dole maintained his support of John McCain, even though Elizabeth has publicly endorsed George W. Bush. While they did not agree on which candidate to support, the Doles did agree on one thing: There is something pretty creepy about Gary Bauer."
"According to sources close to the government's anti-trust case against Microsoft, the justice department will demand that the software giant split into three separate companies as part of an out of court settlement. The government hopes this will create fair market competition so that eventually one of the three companies will be able to expand and crush the other two."
"Senator John McCain took on Washington's most powerful special interests Tuesday by calling for an end to billions of dollars in tax breaks for large corporations. General Electric, NewsCorp, Viacom, and their subsidiary television networks said they wish Senator McCain luck with his new ad campaignthe windshield flyer."
"The bickering between Democratic Presidential candidates Al Gore and Bill Bradley escalated this week when Gore accused Bradley of being 'bad for the economy.' And Bradley responded 'Really? That's not what your mother said.'"
"Robert Wood Johnson, great grandson of the founder of Johnson and Johnson, purchased the New York Jets last week for six-hundred thirty-five million dollars. This makes the Jets the first Johnson and Johnson product to cause tears."
"According to press reports, Peter B. Lewis, an insurance billionaire and supporter of George W. Bush's campaign, was arrested in New Zealand last week, allegedly carrying two ounces of hashish and an ounce of marijuanaprompting an obviously concerned Bush to demand 'What happened to the rest of it?'"
"The California State assembly will vote this week on a bill requiring prospective handgun buyers to pas a written test. This would replace the current verbal test which requires gun dealers to ask customers 'Seriously, you're not gonna shoot anybody, are you?'"
"The United States Postal Service this week began the year-long process necessary to raise postal rates, calling for an increase in first class postage of one to two cents. The surplus money will be used to buy thousands of new signs that read 'this window closed.'"
"The National Research Council, the country's leading scientific body, published a report Thursday confirming the existence of global warming. This nine month world wide investigation started last year when a researcher turned to a fellow scientist and asked 'Is the world getting hotter, or is it just me?'"
"Later this month, Congress plans to consider a bill that would outlaw betting on collegiate sports. Pundits are calling the measure too little too late; however, as it's now been a week since I took Virginia Tech with the points"
"Rap music mogul Sean Puffy Combs hired attorney Johnnie Cochran this week after the rapper was indicted in connection with a shooting at a Manhattan Night Club earlier this month. In an effort to balance the scales of justice, a new state law from now on makes hiring Johnnie Cochran the legal equivalent of signing a confession."
"Singer Melissa Etheridge revealed this week that aging rock-star David Crosby fathered through artificial insemination the two children she is raising with partner Julie Cypher. Friends of Etheridge and Cypher say it's fitting that the couple choose Crosby since he's one of those guys that inspires lesbianism in the first place."
"I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Get well Dave!"
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