"And now, from the news capital of the world, it's 'Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.'"
"Hello, I'm Colin Quinn. Thank you folks."
"Last weekend, President Clinton and the First Lady went to Stanford University to meet Chelsea's new boyfriend, Matthew Pierce. Pierce told Clinton that the President was 'his role model,' to which Clinton responded, `I don't want you seeing my daughter anymore.'"
"Hillary Clinton said this week that Palestinians should have their own free state. The president pointed out that the statement didn't reflect official government policy, but added if they wanted to become a free state, he and Hillary would be glad to broker the land deal. A spokesman for the First Lady said that her views are 'personal' and in no way reflect the views of the president...much like their wedding vows."
"According to a poll in 'U.S. News and World Report,' 32 percent of American women think Hillary Clinton will leave her husband when his term of office ends. Meanwhile, the other 68 percent of the women say that he promised them that she would."
"On `Larry King Live' Thursday night, Bob Dole revealed that he was one of the test subjects for Viagra, and that it's a great drug. Meanwhile, Elizabeth Dole was on the Today show promoting her new book 'The Horrors of Viagra.'"
"In order to break a 14-month stalemate in the Middle East peace talks, Madeline Albright gave Israel until Monday to come to an agreement. The Israelis replied, 'Hey, she's got a lot of chutzpah for somebody who only found out she was Jewish when she read it in the paper.'"
"This week, Bill Gates paid $30 million for a Winslow Homer painting of a seascape. However, he will continue to pay four bucks for a haircut."
"FBI research indicates that nearly half the guns used in crimes in New York came from five Southern states: Virginia, Florida, North Carolina, Georgia and South Carolina. The other half came from under the front seat in the Wu Tang Clan's car." [Moans from audience.] "What, is Method Man here?"
[Commentary by Bronx resident Dominican Lou (Tracy Morgan) snipped from transcript.]
"Forensic tests have confirmed that remains of a body found in Berlin in 1972 are those of Martin Berman, Hitler's private secretary. Experts say they were finally certain when they discovered his 'World's Best Boss' coffee mug."
"It appears as if the Chernobyl nuclear power plant will remain open despite a promise made to close it by 1995. Community leaders are happy because the plant provides desperately needed work for the local townspeople, many of whom have children with eight mouths to feed."
"Mercedes-Benz merged with Chrysler this week. The biggest transition will be for gangsta rappers who now have to switch to big gold Chrysler medallions."
"At the Vatican this week, a disgruntled guard lost control, shot and killed his boss and his boss' wife. Such an outburst is now called 'Going Papal.'"
"In Southern Turkey, where prostitution is legal, the prostitutes are going on strike. Boy, sex with a prostitute is risky enough, but who's going to go to a scab prostitute?" [Moans from audience.] "Don't let me go into the summer like this folks. Come on!"
"A new survey reveals that children as young as 10 are using steroids to enhance athletic performance. Officials became suspicious when two kids were decapitated during a dodge ball game."
"Susan Carpenter-McMillan has taken on a new cause: spreading California's `chemical castration' penalty to other states. President Clinton was quick to point out that Washington D.C. is not a state."
[Commentary by Cinder Calhoun (Ana Gasteyer) snipped from transcript.]
"I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Have a nice summer."
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