"And now, from the news capital of the world, it's 'Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.'"
"Hello folks. Hi, I'm Colin Quinn."
"Bill and Hillary are upset about a cover story on their daughter Chelsea in the new 'People' magazine. They say they'd give up on the press altogether if it wasn't for the good, decent people at 'Hustler' magazine."
"While on a ski trip this week, New Jersey Governor Christie Whitman broke her leg. Wait a second: she's from New Jersey and three days after the Super Bowl she ends up with a broken leg? Ski trip my ass. Sounds to me like somebody went a little bit too heavy on the Falcons."
"In a rare moment of bipartisanship this week, Senate Democrats withdrew their opposition to the Republican proposal for a tax cut. The Senate Democrats originally complained that the cuts were only going to help the rich, but the they remembered that they were the rich."
"According to an interview in 'Daily Variety,' Farrah Fawcett is eager to go back to work, and is considering all offers to get her career back on track. Well Farrah, I would like to offer you a role in my next movie. I'm shooting it in my apartment and it's called 'I've wanted to do this since 1975.'"
"Celeste Wisniewski, a Monica Lewinsky look-alike, has been standing outside Monica's hotel hoping to attract the attention that Monica was avoiding. This is good news for society. Now stalkers have stalkers. What I can't figure out is, who's prouder: the father of the girl who performed oral sex on the President, or the father of the girl who wants people to believe she' s the girl who performed oral sex on the President."
"CIA Director George Tenet
warned this week that Saudi terrorist Osama bin Laden is preparing
to launch another attack against U.S. facilities. And. how about
"An aide to Washington, D.C. mayor Anthony Williams was forced to resign because he used the word 'niggardly,' which actually means 'stingy' or ' miserly,' but sounds like a racial slur. In a related story, NBC announced it will not longer use the words David Spade."
"Israel's National Parks Authority has authorized a private contractor to build a submerged bridge into the Sea of Galilee that would allow tourists to simulate Jesus' miraculous walk on water. Yeah, I think Jesus would appreciate a data input technician on vacation from Tom's River, mimicking one of his greatest feats: 'Hey, look, kids! Daddy is moon walking across the lake just like our Lord and Savior did back in the 1800s.'"
"American warplanes attacked newly installed Iraqi anti-ship missile launchers along the Persian Gulf. An enraged Saddam Hussein scolded his troops saying, 'You see, this is why we can't have nice things!'"
"A female chimp in the Los Angeles Zoo gave birth this week, but of the six possible fathers in the exhibit with her, three had vasectomies, two are too young and one is too old to have fathered the baby. Confused scientists don' t know whether the birth is the result of a genetic miracle or the worst case of beer goggles in history."
"Last week at the Super Bowl, when Cher came out to sing the national anthem, she was escorted onto the field by a young boy who seemed to be terrified. He didn't know it was Cher. He thought it was Marilyn Manson."
[Commentary by Vernon Jordan (Tim Meadows) snipped from transcript.]
"I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it."
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