"And now, from the news capital of the world, it's 'Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.'"
"Hello folks, thank you. Hi, I'm Colin Quinn."
"This is an historic day in Washington, as the House Judiciary Committee voted to impeach the President of the United States. Let me give you an idea of how bad things look for President Clinton right now: Earlier today, Elton John began re-writing 'Candle in the Wind' for him."
"So (the House) is getting
close to actual impeachment. This is the biggest overreaction
since Joe Pesci shot Spider in 'Goodfellas.'
This is the most excessive penalty since Jean Valjean did 20 years for a loaf of bread. The Rosenbergs were going, 'Boy, that is severe.'"
"President Clinton has now said if the House agrees to censure and not impeachment, he would not pardon himself nor would he accept a presidential pardon after he leaves office. That sounds pretty good to me. Unless, of course, he's lying."
"They keep saying our President, William Jefferson Clinton. You can tell he's really in trouble because they are using his full name. 'William Jefferson Clinton, you get in this house right now.'"
"During President Clinton's apology (Friday) he quoted Benjamin Franklin. Strom Thurmond commented, 'I knew Ben Franklin and you, sir, are no Ben. On second thought, you're a lot like Ben Franklin.'"
"Democratic Counsel Abbe Lowell used video tape to enhance his impassioned and dramatic case against impeachment on the floor of the House Thursday. The rest of the House sat mesmerized. Not because of the speech, they were just amazed that there was somebody young enough to know how to work a VCR."
"According to the New York Times, Iran is recruiting former Soviet Union germ warfare scientists to work in Tehran. Iran is especially looking for friendly, self-starter Anthrax-makers during the holiday season."
"Former lieutenant Colonel Hugo Chavez was elected president of Venezuela this week. Chavez has called for a new constitution and the dissolving of Congress. Earlier today, President Clinton was quoted as saying, 'Why didn't I think of that?'"
"Director John Singleton is working on a remake of the classic blaxploitation movie 'Shaft' and is currently looking to cast the title character. The movie's producers are searching for someone who would fit the description: 'Who is the man that would risk his neck for his brother man?' 'Vernon Jordan, can you dig it?'"
"Switzerland elected its first female president this week. The country says it will still keep its policy of remaining neutral and not getting into conflicts, but they just want to say one more thing."
"An article in this week's Newsweek reports that Chase National Bank, the precursor to Chase Manhattan, aided the Nazis in WWII. The discovery was made when bank officials came across an old canceled check made out to Hitler with, 'Congratulations on the invasion of Poland' written in the memo section."
"Next week a fan will auction off Mark McGwire's 70th home run ball, estimated to get over one million dollars. Sammy Sosa will auction off his 61st home run ball to raise money for hurricane victims in the Dominican Republic, and Lawrence Taylor will auction off his car stereo and Super Bowl ring to raise money for another eight ball."
"An appeals court denied O.J. Simpson's bid to stop a new custody trial involving his children. O.J. was angered by the decision and said the court system in this country is a joke."
"Police at Kennedy Airport this week arrested a Catholic priest with a gun in his luggage. Unfortunately, the FAA estimates that for every priest with a gun they catch, 40 nuns with rulers get through."
"This week Olympic gold medalist Dominique Moceanu obtained a permanent restraining order against her father. Now when Dominique misbehaves, her mother warns her, 'Just wait 'til your father gets within 101 feet of this house.'"
"A new study that listed the cities with the most cases of syphilis and gonorrhea ranked Baltimore as number one. New York wasn't even in the top 20. New York's murder rate is also down. Times Square is family friendly. New York has become your crazy drinking buddy who got married and had kids."
"Of the six roaches sent into space aboard the Space ShuttleDiscovery with John Glenn, only two survived. An autopsy revealed that the roaches were killed by one giant step for mankind."
[Commentary by Tim Meadows snipped from transcript.]
"I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it."
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