"And now, from the news capital of the world, it's 'Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.'"
"Hello folks, thank you. Hi, I'm Colin Quinn."
"At a televised town meeting in Japan this week, President Clinton was asked by a Japanese woman how he apologized to Hillary and Chelsea for his affair with Monica Lewinsky. President Clinton responded by screaming, 'Look, Godzilla!'"
"Representative J.C. Watts of Oklahoma has been made the Conference Chairman for the Republican party. House Majority Leader Dick Armey says this will go a long way to change the perception of the Republicans from the 'party for wealthy white men' to the 'party for wealthy white men and that black guy.' House Republicans are so excited about Watts that they've given him his own bathroom and water fountain."
"On her recorded conversation with Monica Lewinsky, Linda Tripp said that she can't imagine herself having phone sex. That's funny -- that's the only sex I can imagine Linda Tripp having."
"This week, George Stephanopoulos said that Monica Lewinsky used to bring him double lattes every morning, but his secretary wouldn't let her see him. Whenever she would come by, Stephanopoulos' assistants would hide him in a shoe box."
"A new Palestinian airport is set to open in the Gaza strip next week. The airport has excited people in the area with the influx of many new employment opportunities although there are still numerous openings for one position -- baggage handler."
"Puff Daddy's producer D-Dot was arrested for beating a magazine editor this week. He pleaded innocent saying, 'Hey, c'mon, we were not beating him up; we're just remixing his face.'"
"This week in Las Vegas, Dennis Rodman married Carmen Electra. This announcement angered David Arquette and Courteney Cox who said, 'Hey, we were supposed to be the most asinine marriage of the year!'"
"This week, Baltimore police arrested a 36-year-old man, who they say is a cat burglar of the rich and famous. The rich and famous.in Baltimore? Big deal. So, the guy took some CDs from Rafael Palmero."
"This holiday season, selected boxes of Cracker Jack will contain certificates redeemable for $1000 gold rings and $400 silver cuff links. Cracker Jack explained they're trying to expand their customer base to include more pimps and small-time Mafioso."
"It looks like Kate Moss will be in rehab for longer than she expected. The center she checked herself into says the program takes at least one month. Although there's a good chance she could slip through the cracks."
"This week, the Reverend Al Sharpton was involved in a car accident when a van he was driving smashed into another vehicle. Apparently it started just a two car accident, but Sharpton incited it into a 10 car pile up."
"Meet Joe Black,' he's in the red. Or as I like to call it: 'Brad, I Know What You Shouldn't Have Done Last Summer.'"
["Hollywood Minute with David Spade" snipped from transcript.]
"I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it."
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