"And now, from the news capital of the world, it's 'Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.'"
"Hello folks, thank you. Hi, I'm Colin Quinn."
"Linda Tripp took a lie-detector test this week to determine whether she tampered with a taped conversation she had with Monica Lewinsky. The tests showed that every answer she gave was truthful, except one -- '200 pounds.'"
"Some people are still calling Kenneth Starr the 'White Water Special Prosecutor.' When was the last time you heard this guy talk about the White Water Scandal? That's like saying 'Heisman Trophy winner O.J. Simpson.'"
"Another former White House intern was arrested in New York for stalking George Stephanopoulos. The judge told the woman, 'Hey, go pick on somebody your own size."
"Upon his retirement, former White House Press Secretary Mike McCurry received a call from Senator Kennedy congratulating him on his 70 homeruns."
"U.S. officials and experts say that Iraq is close to building a nuclear weapon. Translation: The U.S. will soon be bombing the crap out of Iraq."
"Last week, Iran announced that it was dropping the death sentence on Salman Rushdi. Then, this week, they announced that the death sentence still stood. Rushdi's reaction will be seen on Iran's hit show, 'Fundamentalists Bloopers and Practical Jokes.'"
"In Washington, Benjamin Netanyahu and Yasser Arafat agreed to go ahead with peace talks that could occur as soon as mid-October. When these two guys get together they have disagreements, but one thing they all agree on is that the room smells a little funky."
[Commentary by Tropical Storm George (Kelsey Grammer) snipped from transcript.]
"Last week, 'Rush Hour,' starring Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker, was the number one movie at the box-office again, making it the most lucrative Black-Asian combination since Tiger Woods."
"In an attempt to bring Gen-X-ers to bowling, AMF Bowling Centers has hired Michael Jordan to hype the sport. They hope Mike can do for bowling what he did for baseball."
"Paul McCartney served as chauffeur when his daughter, Mary, got married this past weekend. Paul stated, 'Ringo wasn't available. He was busy working a prom.'"
"In some more bad economic news, the Gillette company has announced that they're going to cut 4,700 employees. Here's how it will work: The first blade cuts the most recent hires, the second blade cuts anyone nearing their pension, and the third blade cuts the guy who tagged out the boss at the company soft-ball game."
"John Gotti, Jr. was released on $10 million bail to house arrest in his Long Island home this week. He is required to wear an electronic ankle bracelet, which most people agree is the most tasteful piece of jewelry he's ever worn."
"I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it."
BACK to Weekend Update