"And now, from the news capital of the world, it's 'Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.'"
"Hello folks, thank you. Hi, I'm Colin Quinn."
"Clinton has Larry Flynt behind him, exposing Republicans in Hustler Magazine. The Republicans have Star Magazine talking about Clinton's illegitimate kid. This is a very highbrow war they're fighting. Right now, there are politicians all over the country telling their campaign managers, 'Get me on the cover of Big Jugs.'"
"Larry Flynt, of Hustler Magazine, says that he will announce next week the name of another Republican who had an extra-marital affair. In a related story, the House this week has repealed the Americans with Disabilities Act."
"According to testimony made public this week, Linda Tripp says she may have seen billing records from Hillary Clinton's law firm in a safe in Vince Foster's office. It might have been billing records, or it might have been Tripp's monthly statement from Krispy Kreme."
"There are allegations this week that President Clinton has a 13-year-old love child from an encounter with an Arkansas prostitute. When the teen was questioned by reporters, he apologized and then beat up an Iraqi kid."
"When Chief Justice William Rehnquist swore in the Senate, he wore a robe with gold stripes that he designed himself after seeing a Gilbert and Sullivan show. Judge Rehnquist, is there something you want to tell us?"
"There will be just 50 seats available to the general public for the President's impeachment trial, on a first-come, first-serve basis. However, Senate officials want to issue a warning: people in the first row could get sprayed by evidence."
"In a Playboy interview, Pamela Anderson, who left her husband after he beat her, says she cannot understand why Hillary Clinton is sticking with her husband after all he's done. Because he is the most powerful man in the world, not a drummer for an 80s hair band."
"Jesse Ventura, the new governor of Minnesota, has suggested that his wife be paid a salary of $25 thousand a year to be the state's First Lady. Her official duties will include wearing a bikini and holding up cardboard signs during state functions."
"The NBA lockout is finally over and although most parties are happy, Patrick Ewing still feels the players are treated unfairly. Ewing was quoted as saying, 'The owners want us to go back to horse and buggies.' Yeah, horse and buggies. Even the sixth man on the Amish basketball team drives a Navigator."
"Fourteen years after being fired as the manager of the New York Yankees, Hall-of-Famer Yogi Berra made up with George Steinbrenner. When asked about the peace making, Yogi didn't disappoint, coming up with another one of his trademark 'Yogi-isms:' 'Steinbrenner's a douche bag.'"
"Rod Stewart and his wife, Rachel Hunter, are divorcing after eight years of marriage. Many blame it on the wide age difference between Rachel and the new teenager Rod wants to nail."
"This week, the FDA approved a Prozac-type drug for dogs who are depressed. Which is good, because it's hard for dogs to get therapy since they're never allowed on the couch."
"Terry Stewart, the former head of Marvel Comics, has been appointed the director of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in hopes that he can save the financially slumping shrine in Cleveland. My spider sense is tingling and it tells me the problem is location, location, location."
"The children's television show 'Zoom' is returning to PBS after 20 years. Just when you got that song out of your head."
"On this week in history in 1992 at a state function in Tokyo, George Bush vomited into the lap of the Japanese prime minister. Later, little-known White House secretary Linda Tripp advised the prime minister to hold onto the pants and not wash them."
"The Pennsylvania Legislature is considering a bill that would prevent drivers from starting their cars until a built-in breathalyzer checks for alcohol. If a trace of alcohol is found, it will cause the car's horn to beep, but if a lot of alcohol is detected, the car will start and drive you to an old girlfriend's house."
[Commentary by Elizabeth Dole (Ana Gasteyer) snipped from transcript.]
"I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it."
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