"And now, from the news capital of the world, it's 'Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.'"
"Hello folks, thank you. Hi, I'm Colin Quinn."
"The Congressional seat being vacated by Bob Livingston could be filled by a 48-year-old ophthalmologist named Dr. Monica Monica. This is the last straw. The country has officially turned into a very bad 'Hee Haw' sketch."
"U.S. intelligence officials want ABC News to reveal the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden, who was interviewed by the network last month. The reporter claims that he was taken to a secret location for the interview and could not find it again -- although he does remember there was a butler named Alfred."
"This week, Michael Jordan announced his retirement, saying he wants to spend more time for himself, to be a better parent, do some traveling. You couldn't do anymore traveling than you did when you played the Knicks. Perhaps you can bring along a ref to overlook it, just so you'll feel more comfortable."
"Executives from the Chicago Bulls insist that even without Michael Jordan, Phil Jackson, and Dennis Rodman, the team can still repeat as NBA champions with a little hard work, luck, and 90 points per game from Steve Kerr."
"Rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard was arrested last night. How many times have I said that? Maybe we should keep the cue card on that one. I'm getting Deja Wu. ODB was arrested last night after opening fire on two undercover cops. But fans, don't worry about his career. To a rapper, shooting at cops is a cure for writer's block."
"This week Paula Jones received $850 thousand in a settlement from President Clinton. She said it will help her live her dream to beat up the guy who was mean to her on New Year's Eve at the go-cart tracks. That money came out of Bill and Hillary's joint checking account. You know Hillary is in charge of the checkbook in that family. 'Bill, what did you do with check 820?' 'Remember, I didn't tell you the Paula thing, I didn't put it in the book.'"
"Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura has chosen the Navigator as his official car rather than the traditional Lincoln or Cadillac. People all over Minnesota will well up with pride when they cry out, 'Here comes the governor's truck.'"
"A customer filed a $4 million lawsuit against Starbucks this week after he was badly cut drinking an iced cappuccino laced with broken glass. When asked how he came up with the $4 million figure, the customer responded, 'I just want my money back.'"
"President Clinton has re-nominated James Hormel to be ambassador to Luxembourg after conservatives last year prevented a vote on his nomination. How important is Luxembourg? We've been over eight months without an ambassador and we haven't missed out on anything. Why are we friends with them? I'm not saying we need to be mean to them, but do we need an ambassador? Like if we see them at the U.N., we'll give them a head nod, but that's about it."
"The anonymous fan who spend $2.7 million for Mark McGwire's 70th homerun ball also bought five other homerun balls from the Sammy Sosa-McGwire homerun race. He is expected to merge all the balls together to form 'the ultimate homerun ball.' I, I mean 'he' will then trade the ball for a trip on the space shuttle with a naked Jewel. Sounds like a good plan."
"Amtrack is unveiling a European-style rail line that links Eugene, Oregon, and Seattle, Washington. Within a month after opening the high-speed line, the population of Eugene is expected to be zero."
"David Kaczynski, the Unabomber's brother, says that he'll use the reward money he got from turning in his brother to establish a fund for the victims. They're not going to cash the check. They're not even going to open the envelope."
"Starting this week, the fee for filing a citizenship application is more than doubling from $95 to $225. But as always, it is still free to crawl under a fence."
"Colonial Williamsburg announced plans for a fake TV show with guests from two hundred years ago. We already have a real show like that. It's called 'The Late, Late Show with Tom Snyder.'"
[Commentary by sports journalist Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) snipped from transcript.]
"I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it."
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