Quotables

December 6, 2003

CO-ANCHOR TINA FEY: "According to the New York Times, Michael Jackson's financial advisors have told him that to avoid bankruptcy he must limit his spending to one million dollars a month. Upon hearing this Michael dropped the boy he was molesting and said, "Are you kidding me?"

CO-ANCHOR JIMMY FALLON: "President Bush is working on a new U.S. plan to travel back to the Moon. This after officials talked him out of his original plan to go back to the future."

FALLON: "Actress Gwyneth Paltrow announced Wednesday that she and her boyfriend Chris Martin from Coldplay are expecting a baby. Also, Jessica Simpson announced that she and husband Nick Lachey have been putting it in the wrong place all this time."

FEY: "Shuan Shuan, a female giant panda, was flown to Japan this week in hopes that she will mate with Ling Ling, a male panda at the Tokyo Zoo. Biologists are optimistic because it's well knows that Shuan Shuan is a slut. The mating of Ling Ling and Shuan Shuan was brokered by their friend Pimp Pimp."

FALLON: "Senator Hillary Clinton is criticizing President Bush, saying that his plan to reduce the number of US troops in Iraq is simply a PR move designed to boost his 2004 reelection bid. However, the President denies this, saying, "That's what my crazy moon plan is for."

FALLON: "Ground was broken in Fredericksburg, Virginia this week for the National Slavery Museum. For the punch line of this joke, tune in next week when we have a different host."

FEY: "While appearing on Larry King Live Monday, Linda Tripp revealed that she is marrying her childhood sweetheart, who gave her first kiss at age 14. Luckily for Tripp, in all their years apart there was never a cure for blindness. The ceremony will end with the words "I now pronounce you man and...that."

FALLON: "Rolling Stone Mick Jagger is asking the Queen of England not to release images of him being knighted later this month, because he is afraid of upsetting his band mate Keith Richards. I know the feeling. I tried to keep it quiet from Bitchy McJealous over here when I was made a Jedi."

"Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."