December 6, 2003
CO-ANCHOR TINA FEY: "According
to the New York Times, Michael Jackson's financial advisors have
told him that to avoid bankruptcy he must limit his spending
to one million dollars a month. Upon hearing this Michael dropped
the boy he was molesting and said, "Are you kidding me?"
CO-ANCHOR JIMMY FALLON: "President
Bush is working on a new U.S. plan to travel back to the Moon.
This after officials talked him out of his original plan to go
back to the future."
FALLON: "Actress Gwyneth
Paltrow announced Wednesday that she and her boyfriend Chris
Martin from Coldplay are expecting a baby. Also, Jessica Simpson
announced that she and husband Nick Lachey have been putting
it in the wrong place all this time."
FEY: "Shuan Shuan, a female
giant panda, was flown to Japan this week in hopes that she will
mate with Ling Ling, a male panda at the Tokyo Zoo. Biologists
are optimistic because it's well knows that Shuan Shuan is a
slut. The mating of Ling Ling and Shuan Shuan was brokered by
their friend Pimp Pimp."
FALLON: "Senator Hillary
Clinton is criticizing President Bush, saying that his plan to
reduce the number of US troops in Iraq is simply a PR move designed
to boost his 2004 reelection bid. However, the President denies
this, saying, "That's what my crazy moon plan is for."
FALLON: "Ground was broken
in Fredericksburg, Virginia this week for the National Slavery
Museum. For the punch line of this joke, tune in next week when
we have a different host."
FEY: "While appearing on
Larry King Live Monday, Linda Tripp revealed that she is marrying
her childhood sweetheart, who gave her first kiss at age 14.
Luckily for Tripp, in all their years apart there was never a
cure for blindness. The ceremony will end with the words "I
now pronounce you man and...that."
FALLON: "Rolling Stone Mick
Jagger is asking the Queen of England not to release images of
him being knighted later this month, because he is afraid of
upsetting his band mate Keith Richards. I know the feeling. I
tried to keep it quiet from Bitchy McJealous over here when I
was made a Jedi."
"Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."