November 1, 2003

"Hi I'm Jimmy Fallon."

"And I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories..."

CO-ANCHOR JIMMY FALLON: "Siegfried announced Thursday that his partner Roy is continuing to recover. Apparently his condition has been upgraded from critical to fabulous."

FALLON: "Whitney Houston is releasing her first album of Christmas songs, called "One Wish". Houston's one wish? More Crack."

CO-ANCHOR TINA FEY: "In an interview, Paris Hilton said of her and her sister, "people love to hate us. But, when you know us, you love us." And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."

FEY: "While speaking at a Christian Youth Center in Dallas, President Bush said that religion helped him overcome his heavy drinking and rowdiness. But it was good old fashioned Texas will power that got him off the cocaine."

FEY: "It has been reported that Britney Spears is now dating actor John Cusack. The two have a lot in common: She wants to pursue an acting career and he wants to bone Britney Spears. Things were apparently going really well with the couple until Jeremy Piven demanded a supporting role."

FALLON: "Gary Turner, an English man, set a Guinness world record for having 135 clothespins attached to his face. This explains his nickname, "The Human Idiot"

"Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."