February 21, 2004

"Weekend Update" co-anchor JIMMY FALLON: "Howard Dean announced an end to his Democratic presidential bid on Wednesday. Meanwhile, Dennis Kucinich is dropping out so he can appear on the next episode of "The Littlest Groom."'

FALLON: "A new line of T-shirts for women has been introduced based on 'Sex and the City' that feature the words 'I'm a Carrie, 'I'm a Miranda,' 'I'm a Charlotte' and 'I'm a Samantha.' Women who purchase all four get a free fifth shirt: 'I'm a Moron.'"

"Weekend Update" co-anchor TINA FEY: "On tomorrow's 'Meet The Press,' Green Party leader Ralph Nader will announce whether he will sit out the 2004 election or enter the race, causing George Bush to win by three votes. I think I speak for everyone when I say, 'Stay home, Nerd.' You're the reason we're in this K-hole to begin with."

FALLON: "Sources say that when Mattel decided to give Barbie a new boyfriend, they originally wanted to make him non-white. Sadly, the plan was nixed by KKK Ken."

FEY: "Starting March 29th, Ireland will ban smoking in public places, including offices and pubs. The smoothly because the Irish are known for their easy-going tempers and respect for authority."

FEY: "Polaroid is warning customers not to listen to the lyrics in OutKast's hit song 'Hey Ya,' that tells people to 'shake it like a Polaroid picture,' because the could actually ruin the pictures. While in a related story, Bacardi is warning shortys to be responsible and to sip Bacardi like it's dey birfday."

FALLON: "With the help of 2 friends and 30,000 dollars, a Vietnamese farmer fulfilled a dream he had of making his own helicopter from scratch. He then immediately fulfilled his other dream: dying in a fiery helicopter crash."

FALLON: "This week Georgia's Board of Education approved a plan that allows teachers to use the word 'evolution' when teaching biology. Though as a compromise, dinosaurs and now called 'Jesus Horses.'

FEY: "A controversial new discipline policy at Lawrence Middle School in New Jersey, is limiting students to just 15 bathroom breaks a month. Plus one additional bathroom break if you need to give birth to your baby."

FEY: "PETA has invited 500 students to participate in a giant nude protest in Harvard Square, under the banner 'Fur: Out, Love: In." Although with 500 PETA girls there, I bet there will still be a fair amount of fur."

"Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."