Quotables

April 14, 2001

"Hi I'm Jimmy Fallon."

"And I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories..."

CO-ANCHOR TINA FEY: "On Thursday, the crew of the downed EP3 spy plane returned to American soil. China, however, has not returned the plane itself. Chinese officials have told US negotiators that, if they want the plane back, they'll just have to go to eBay and bid like everybody else."

CO-ANCHOR JIMMY FALLON: "According to White House aides, during the stand-off with China President Bush did not rely on the advice of Vice President Dick Cheney. Bush was, however, in constant contact with his most trusted adviser, his Magic Eight Ball."

FEY: "On his trip to India last week, Bill Clinton dedicated a new girls' college named after his wife Hillary. The former President offered best wishes to all the new students of 'Frigid Pear-Shaped Harpy University.'"

FALLON: "Carol Dennis, a former backup singer for Bob Dylan, said this week that from 1986 to 1992, she and Dylan were secretly married. Dylan, however, insists that the marriage was not a secret, it's just that whenever he told people about it they couldn't understand a word he said."

FEY: "In Washington last week, officials form the National Rifle Association met with a group of 200 high school students. There were no survivors."

FALLON: "Scientists this week unveiled the first human blood substitute-a synthetic fluid that functions like red blood cells. The product will be marketed under the brand name-'I Can't Believe It's Not Blood!'"

FALLON: "On Monday, President Bush wrote a letter offering his condolences to the wife of the missing Chinese fighter pilot. After Bush wrote the letter, it was quickly given to experts and translated. Then it was translated into Chinese."

FEY: "Actress Tara Reid has indefinitely postponed her marriage to TRL's Carson Daly. Carson Daly, dropping to number three this week behind a male model and a crew guy from 'Josie and the Pussycats.'"

FEY: "The Bush family cat Ernie, missing for weeks, turned up in the early hours Tuesday wandering down Hollywood's Avenue of The Starscoked out of its mind."

FEY: "The FBI will install high-tech scrambling devices to prevent people from picking up the closed ­circuit broadcast of Timothy McVeigh's execution. Which means that on May 16th, some young man who thinks he's watching scrambled porn may actually be masturbating to a lethal injection."

FEY: "Mariah Carey last week signed a recording contract with Virgin Records for 25 million dollars an album. The signing is considered a coup for the company, although Virgin Records will now have to change its name to Skank Records."

"Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."