Quotables

March 10, 2001

"Hi I'm Jimmy Fallon."

"And I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories..."

CO-ANCHOR TINA FEY: "After experiencing chest pains Monday, Vice president Dick Cheney was rushed to George Washington University Medical Center. When asked how Cheney's Angina would affect the administration, President Bush confidently told reporters, "Boy's don't have anginas!"

CO-ANCHOR JIMMY FALLON: "Michael Jackson arrived in London this week on crutches, after breaking his foot in a quote, "common household accident" at his Neverland Ranch. 'It could've happened to anyone,' Jackson told a reporter. 'See, my llama and I were chasing Liz Taylor around the elephant man's bones and I tripped on my cape.'"

FEY: "At his final Inner Circle correspondents dinner as mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani shaved his legs, put on high heels and danced with the Rockettes. The mayor stayed at the party until almost dawn when he was seen leaving with a very drunk Tracy Morgan."

FALLON: "An Australian man, Rodd Millner, announced that next March he plans to skydive from 25 miles above the earth reaching speeds over a thousand miles an hour and breaking the sound barrier. And in future news, Rodd Millner, is dead."

FEY: "Kathy Lee Gifford will play a romance novelist in an upcoming episode of 'Just Shoot Me'. Kathy Lee said 'Just Shoot Me' is her husband Frank's favorite show and that he wanders around the house all the time just muttering the title over and over again."

FEY: "A month into his tenure as Attorney General, John Ashcroft has begun to reach out to African-Americans ad gays. Which is why Ashcroft is now subscribing to 'Black Inches' magazine"

FALLON: "Johnny Depp says that he had to eat so much chocolate during the making of the Oscar nominated film "Chocolat" that he says he will never eat it again. In a related storythe movie Chocolat was so Choc-o-long, and Choc-o-boring, that I wan my Choc-o-Money back."

FALLON: "As part of his ongoing financial disclosure, Jesse Jackson told the Chicago Sun Times this week that he doesn't have a checking account or a credit card. Probably because to get thoseyou need a JOB!"

FALLON: "Arnold Schwarzenegger's publicist told USA Today that the actor has not ruled out running for governor of California next year saying that he will make a decision in a few months. Reportedly Arnold needs that time to learn how to pronounce 'gubernatorial'."

FEY: "Fed chairman Alan Greenspan turned 75 this week. However, talk on the street is that he's gonna lower it to 74 and a half."

FEY: "According to a report released Tuesday, Female inmates in the United States have been victims of sexual misconduct by corrections employees in every state except Minnesota. So, ladies, if you wanna rob a bank, but you don't want your cooter poked, head to beautiful Minnesota. Land of 10,000 lakes."

FALLON: "Duke University researchers have wired the brains of monkeys to control robotic arms, in hopes that one day paralyzed humans will be able to control artificial limbs. But so far al they've done is allow paralyzed monkeys to have better aim when they throw their own poop."

FEY: "O.J. Simpson is once again facing criminal charges. This time over a road rage incident in which Simpson violently ripped a man's glasses off his head. On a positive note, this time he left the head."

FALLON : "This week Sporty Spice told the Rueters News Agency that she's done with the Spice Girls, making her just two years behind everybody else."

"Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."