March 10, 2001
"Hi I'm Jimmy Fallon."
"And I'm Tina Fey. And here
are tonight's top stories..."
CO-ANCHOR TINA FEY: "After experiencing chest pains
Monday, Vice president Dick Cheney was rushed to George Washington
University Medical Center. When asked how Cheney's Angina would
affect the administration, President Bush confidently told reporters,
"Boy's don't have anginas!"
CO-ANCHOR JIMMY FALLON: "Michael Jackson arrived in London
this week on crutches, after breaking his foot in a quote, "common
household accident" at his Neverland Ranch. 'It could've
happened to anyone,' Jackson told a reporter. 'See, my llama
and I were chasing Liz Taylor around the elephant man's bones
and I tripped on my cape.'"
FEY: "At his final Inner Circle correspondents
dinner as mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani shaved his legs,
put on high heels and danced with the Rockettes. The mayor stayed
at the party until almost dawn when he was seen leaving with
a very drunk Tracy Morgan."
FALLON: "An Australian man, Rodd Millner, announced
that next March he plans to skydive from 25 miles above the earth
reaching speeds over a thousand miles an hour and breaking the
sound barrier. And in future news, Rodd Millner, is dead."
FEY: "Kathy Lee Gifford will play a romance novelist
in an upcoming episode of 'Just Shoot Me'. Kathy Lee said 'Just
Shoot Me' is her husband Frank's favorite show and that he wanders
around the house all the time just muttering the title over and
FEY: "A month into his tenure as Attorney General,
John Ashcroft has begun to reach out to African-Americans ad
gays. Which is why Ashcroft is now subscribing to 'Black Inches'
FALLON: "Johnny Depp says that he had to eat so much
chocolate during the making of the Oscar nominated film "Chocolat"
that he says he will never eat it again. In a related storythe
movie Chocolat was so Choc-o-long, and Choc-o-boring, that I
wan my Choc-o-Money back."
FALLON: "As part of his ongoing financial disclosure,
Jesse Jackson told the Chicago Sun Times this week that he doesn't
have a checking account or a credit card. Probably because to
get thoseyou need a JOB!"
FALLON: "Arnold Schwarzenegger's publicist told USA
Today that the actor has not ruled out running for governor of
California next year saying that he will make a decision in a
few months. Reportedly Arnold needs that time to learn how to
FEY: "Fed chairman Alan Greenspan turned 75 this
week. However, talk on the street is that he's gonna lower it
to 74 and a half."
FEY: "According to a report released Tuesday,
Female inmates in the United States have been victims of sexual
misconduct by corrections employees in every state except Minnesota.
So, ladies, if you wanna rob a bank, but you don't want your
cooter poked, head to beautiful Minnesota. Land of 10,000 lakes."
FALLON: "Duke University researchers have wired
the brains of monkeys to control robotic arms, in hopes that
one day paralyzed humans will be able to control artificial limbs.
But so far al they've done is allow paralyzed monkeys to have
better aim when they throw their own poop."
FEY: "O.J. Simpson is once again facing criminal
charges. This time over a road rage incident in which Simpson
violently ripped a man's glasses off his head. On a positive
note, this time he left the head."
FALLON : "This week Sporty Spice told the Rueters
News Agency that she's done with the Spice Girls, making her
just two years behind everybody else."
"Good night and have a pleasant