Quotables

February 10, 2001

"Hi I'm Tina Fey."

"And I'm Jimmy Fallon. And here are tonight's top stories..."

CO-ANCHOR JIMMY FALLON: "Wednesday, Bill and Hillary Clinton returned some twenty-eight thousand dollars worth of furniture that they took with them when they left the White House. The ex-President stressed that the dollar amount was actually much lower, as many of the items were, quote, 'stained.'"

CO-ANCHOR TINA FEY: "It was announced this week that Elton John and Eminem will perform a duet at this month's Grammy Awards. When asked if he felt conflicted about working with the obviously gay performer, Elton John said, 'I don't have a problem with it.'"

FALLON: "On Friday's '20/20' Jane Fonda said that she lives alone, will probably never make another movie, is finished with men and never exercisesI'm sorry. That quote was from Louie Anderson. Jane Fonda's fine."

FEY: "The General Services Administration yesterday refused to pay the eight hundred eleven thousand dollar rent on Bill Clinton's Manhattan office space. Clinton says he will be forced to go with his second choice for office space, the champagne room at Scores."

FALLON: "A Pennsylvania woman who has been convicted for shoplifting has been sentenced to wear a badge that reads 'Convicted Shoplifter.' However, her lawyers hope to plea bargain down to a bumper sticker reading 'I'd Rather Be Stealing!'"

FEY: "Later this month, George W. Bush will make his first European trip as President, visiting Prime Minister Tony Blair in London. Hoping to make a good impression, Bush has spent the last week trying to learn a few English words."

FEY: "Citing the high cost of the series and low ratings, syndicator Pearson Television has cancelled 'Baywatch.' Now viewers who love big fake boobs will just have to watch 'VIP,' 'Jerry Springer,' 'Jenny Jones,' 'Search Party,' 'Extra,' 'MTV Spring Break,' 'MTV Making the Video,' 'Wild on E!,' 'Howard Stern,' 'Silk Stalkings,' 'G-String Divas,' 'The Man Show,' 'Unhappily Ever After,' 'Blind Date,' 'Bowflex' Infomercials, 'Cleopatra 2525,' the XFL, the NFL, 'Sabado Gigante,' 'Temptation Island,' 'Charmed,' wrestling, Cinemax, Showtime or commercials."

FALLON: "A San Francisco woman is claiming that 'Nash Bridges' star Don Johnson groped her while exiting a restaurant bathroom. The incident was reported by the men's room attendant, Philip Michael Thomas."

FEY: "It was announced Monday that Kelly Ripa will be Kathy Lee Gifford's permanent replacement on Regis Philbin's morning talk show. Producers say the two women are very different; Kelly Ripa is a long-time soap opera actress and Kathie Lee is a hateful bitch."

FEY: "Hundreds of people are vying to get one of only eight spectator seats at Timothy McVeigh's upcoming execution. Said one ticket hopeful, 'It's so lame, 'cause you know the whole front row is gonna be industry.'"

"Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."