Quotables

October 7, 2000

"Hi I'm Jimmy Fallon."

"And I'm Tina Fey. And when we get together..."

FALLON / FEY: "It's news."

CO-ANCHOR TINA FEY: "Before Tuesday's presidential debate, a coin toss was used to determine which candidate would speak first. When Governor Bush was asked to call it in the air, he yelled. 'It's a quarter!'"

CO-ANCHOR JIMMY FALLON: "This Sunday, the Olympic Games in Sydney, Australia came to a close with the United States winning 97 medals, the most of any country. So, suck on that, Portugal."

FALLON: "Actors Harrison Ford and Kevin Spacey have each given $100,000 to the Screen Actors Guild to assist out-of-work actors. In a related story, actor Arsenio Hall would like to thank Harrison Ford and Kevin Spacey."

FEY: "After a week of violent protests in Yugoslavia, Slobodan Milosevic finally stepped down and conceded defeat in the presidential election. Milosevic said he plans to relax and spend time with his family before being strung up on a meathook in the center of Belgrade."

FEY: "During Tuesday's debate, Al Gore made a point of correctly pronouncing Milosevic's name, and that of his opponent, Vojislav Kostunica and noting that Yugoslavia is made up of Serbia and Montenegro. Meanwhile, George W. Bush knew his own name and that a sandwich is made up of 'bread plus some other stuff.'"

FALLON: "97-year-old Senator Strom Thurman -- who was hospitalized last week after fainting in a restaurant -- is reportedly back on his feet, and even seen out and about with his new lady friend." (Anna Nicole Smith is pictured with Thurman)

FALLON: "Two Wisconsin brothers, ages 74 and 80, were arrested this week after agents confiscated more than half a million dollars in pot on their property. When discovered in their home, the brothers were found laughing their asses off watching an episode of 'Matlock.'"

FEY: "This week, the Vatican apologized for a recent Church document that called non-Christian religions 'gravely deficient.' Said a Vatican spokesman, 'While we believe that other religions ARE deficient and that their pagan followers WILL burn in hell, we certainly never meant to write it down.'"

FALLON: "Coming up on Weekend Update Health Watch -- is there a simple muscle exercise you can do that will prevent diabetes? No... no there isn't."

FALLON: "In New York this week, Spike Lee premiered his new film 'Bamboozled,' which features actors in blackface. Or as John Rocker calls it: the feel good movie of the year."

FEY with "Women's News": "As a mother of two, which I am not, I worry about the lack of positive role models for today's young girls. For example, Britney Spears caused controversy last month when she wore this skimpy outfit at MTV's Video Music Awards. Critics called the outfit inappropriate and say it's just another example of Hollywood sexualizing young girls. But I say, ladies, give it up. Britney's ass looks good. Look at that ass. That is a cherry bomb. You gotta look at that thing through a hole in a paper plate. Britney, in about five years that whole area is gonna blow, so enjoy it now. Have it photographed as much as possible. Rub it with fine oils and liniments. You will miss it when it's gone."

FALLON: "This week 'The Beatles Anthology,' a 368 page history of the band's career, was released, giving fans the group's own take on their rise to success. And, as an added bonus, if fans read the book backwards it says, 'We're just trying to help out Ringo.'"

FEY: "This week Pat Robertson reportedly invited Joe Lieberman to address the Christian Coalition, but the date he chose was Rosh Hashana, one of the holiest days in the Jewish religious calendar. Robertson apologized, saying that he meant no disrespect to the Jewish faith and tried to make it up to Lieberman by sending him a two-pound Honey-Baked ham."

"Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."