October 7, 2000
"Hi I'm Jimmy Fallon."
"And I'm Tina Fey. And when
we get together..."
FALLON / FEY: "It's news."
CO-ANCHOR TINA FEY: "Before Tuesday's presidential
debate, a coin toss was used to determine which candidate would
speak first. When Governor Bush was asked to call it in the air,
he yelled. 'It's a quarter!'"
CO-ANCHOR JIMMY FALLON: "This Sunday, the Olympic Games
in Sydney, Australia came to a close with the United States winning
97 medals, the most of any country. So, suck on that, Portugal."
FALLON: "Actors Harrison Ford and Kevin Spacey have
each given $100,000 to the Screen Actors Guild to assist out-of-work
actors. In a related story, actor Arsenio Hall would like to
thank Harrison Ford and Kevin Spacey."
FEY: "After a week of violent protests in Yugoslavia,
Slobodan Milosevic finally stepped down and conceded defeat in
the presidential election. Milosevic said he plans to relax and
spend time with his family before being strung up on a meathook
in the center of Belgrade."
FEY: "During Tuesday's debate, Al Gore made a point
of correctly pronouncing Milosevic's name, and that of his opponent,
Vojislav Kostunica and noting that Yugoslavia is made up of Serbia
and Montenegro. Meanwhile, George W. Bush knew his own name and
that a sandwich is made up of 'bread plus some other stuff.'"
FALLON: "97-year-old Senator Strom Thurman --
who was hospitalized last week after fainting in a restaurant
-- is reportedly back on his feet, and even seen out and about
with his new lady friend." (Anna Nicole Smith is pictured
FALLON: "Two Wisconsin brothers, ages 74 and 80, were
arrested this week after agents confiscated more than half a
million dollars in pot on their property. When discovered in
their home, the brothers were found laughing their asses off
watching an episode of 'Matlock.'"
FEY: "This week, the Vatican apologized for a recent
Church document that called non-Christian religions 'gravely
deficient.' Said a Vatican spokesman, 'While we believe that
other religions ARE deficient and that their pagan followers
WILL burn in hell, we certainly never meant to write it down.'"
FALLON: "Coming up on Weekend Update Health Watch
-- is there a simple muscle exercise you can do that will prevent
diabetes? No... no there isn't."
FALLON: "In New York this week, Spike Lee premiered
his new film 'Bamboozled,' which features actors in blackface.
Or as John Rocker calls it: the feel good movie of the year."
FEY with "Women's News": "As a mother of two, which I am
not, I worry about the lack of positive role models for today's
young girls. For example, Britney Spears caused controversy last
month when she wore this skimpy outfit at MTV's Video Music Awards.
Critics called the outfit inappropriate and say it's just another
example of Hollywood sexualizing young girls. But I say, ladies,
give it up. Britney's ass looks good. Look at that ass. That
is a cherry bomb. You gotta look at that thing through a hole
in a paper plate. Britney, in about five years that whole area
is gonna blow, so enjoy it now. Have it photographed as much
as possible. Rub it with fine oils and liniments. You will miss
it when it's gone."
FALLON: "This week 'The Beatles Anthology,' a 368
page history of the band's career, was released, giving fans
the group's own take on their rise to success. And, as an added
bonus, if fans read the book backwards it says, 'We're just trying
to help out Ringo.'"
FEY: "This week Pat Robertson reportedly invited
Joe Lieberman to address the Christian Coalition, but the date
he chose was Rosh Hashana, one of the holiest days in the Jewish
religious calendar. Robertson apologized, saying that he meant
no disrespect to the Jewish faith and tried to make it up to
Lieberman by sending him a two-pound Honey-Baked ham."
"Good night and have a pleasant