October 21, 2000

"Hi I'm Jimmy Fallon."

"And I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories..."

CO-ANCHOR TINA FEY: "With election day approaching, the Presidential candidates stepped up their TV appearances. This week Gore and Bush were on 'Letterman,' 'Regis,' and 'The View.' Meanwhile, Ralph Nader was a plaintiff on 'Judge Joe Brown' and Pat Buchanan appeared on a security camera at Walgreens."

FEY: "The Chevron Corporation has reached a deal to buy Texaco. The forty-five billion dollar deal will give Chevron full control of Texaco, the Caltex Corporation, and George W. Bush."

CO-ANCHOR JIMMY FALLON: "Al Gore is on the cover of 'Rolling Stone' this month. Hey, Al, that's some tight khakis you got on there buddy. Are those Wranglers or stranglers? I don't know whether to vote for you or hang my coat on you."

FEY: "Scientists in the U.S. this week announced they have revived a two hundred and fifty year-old bacteria believed to be the oldest living creature ever found. And earlier today, the scientists revealed that the organism is engaged ­ to Anna Nicole Smith."

FEY: "It was announced this week that Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown will perform a show together at the Aladdin casino in Las Vegas. Tickets are one hundred and fifty dollars ­ two hundred if Whitney and Bobby actually show up. The concert will be sponsored by Snapple and cocaine."

FALLON: "This just in: New York City police have reportedly apprehended the person who 'let the dogs out.'"

FEY: "Donna Hanover, the estranged wife of New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, made her debut in the play 'The Vagina Monologues' this week in which she talked about orgasms and lesbian sex. In response, the Mayor has already made plans to have Hanover torn down and replaced with a Disney store."

"Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."