January 13, 2001
"Hi I'm Jimmy Fallon."
"And I'm Tina Fey. And here
are tonight's top stories..."
CO-ANCHOR TINA FEY: "Future First Lady Laura Bush will
wear a red-scoop-neck embroidered Chantilly lace gown to next
week's Inaugural Ball. It will take three women 100 hours to
complete the gown. Coincidentally, the three women are all former
houseguests of Linda Chavez."
CO-ANCHOR JIMMY FALLON: "President Clinton will be moving
out of the White House next week and when he does, he is expected
to be the first president in history to not get his security
FEY: "Videotape surfaced this week showing suspected
terrorist Osama Bin Laden alive and well at his son's wedding.
For the young couple's wedding gift, Bin Laden blew up a Crate
FEY: "It was announced this week that Ricky Martin
will perform at the Lincoln Memorial as part of President Bush's
inauguration. Apparently, Mr. Bush's first step in restoring
the dignity of the presidency is having a soap star sing 'She
Bangs' at the foot of the Great Emancipation"
FEY: "This week, for the first time, president
Clinton publicly described the way he plans to accomplish peace
in the middle East: Magic!"
FALLON: "One of the stars of the original 'Survivor,'
the ex-Navy Seal and admitted homophobe Rudy, will be made into
a 12 inch action figure. You pull its string and it says, 'Don't
pull my string, fag!'"
FEY: "Scientists this week announced they have
spliced the DNA of a jellyfish into a Rhesus monkey causing the
monkey protein to glow green in the dark. Read all about it in
this month's 'New England Journal of Evil.'"
FEY: "Earlier this week, Steve Geary, an English
man who has been blind for two decades, threw a perfect game
of dartsat least that's what we're telling him."
FALLON: "MTV News is reporting that Madonna and Britney
Spears will meet in May for a possible collaboration. As they
have so many, many, times in my dreams."
FALLON: "The US Embassy in Italy reopened this week
after terrorist threats forced it to close for three days. Increased
security measures include a new fence, added guards and a sign
that reads 'You touch-a the embassy, I break-a you face.'"
FEY: "Earlier this week MTV shut down its programming
to broadcast the names of hundreds of victims of hate-crimes.
This moving tribute was followed by Eminem's 'I'm Going to Kill
You Bitch' weekend."
FALLON: The Chinese pandas, T-ven T-ven and May Shang,
made their official United States debut this week at the National
Zoo in Washington. Zoo officials say the pandas are getting along
well, although their relationship will really be put to the test
in February when they spend a week on 'Temptation Island.'"
"Good night and have a pleasant