Quotables

January 13, 2001

"Hi I'm Jimmy Fallon."

"And I'm Tina Fey. And here are tonight's top stories..."

CO-ANCHOR TINA FEY: "Future First Lady Laura Bush will wear a red-scoop-neck embroidered Chantilly lace gown to next week's Inaugural Ball. It will take three women 100 hours to complete the gown. Coincidentally, the three women are all former houseguests of Linda Chavez."

CO-ANCHOR JIMMY FALLON: "President Clinton will be moving out of the White House next week and when he does, he is expected to be the first president in history to not get his security deposit back."

FEY: "Videotape surfaced this week showing suspected terrorist Osama Bin Laden alive and well at his son's wedding. For the young couple's wedding gift, Bin Laden blew up a Crate "n Barrel."

FEY: "It was announced this week that Ricky Martin will perform at the Lincoln Memorial as part of President Bush's inauguration. Apparently, Mr. Bush's first step in restoring the dignity of the presidency is having a soap star sing 'She Bangs' at the foot of the Great Emancipation"

FEY: "This week, for the first time, president Clinton publicly described the way he plans to accomplish peace in the middle East: Magic!"

FALLON: "One of the stars of the original 'Survivor,' the ex-Navy Seal and admitted homophobe Rudy, will be made into a 12 inch action figure. You pull its string and it says, 'Don't pull my string, fag!'"

FEY: "Scientists this week announced they have spliced the DNA of a jellyfish into a Rhesus monkey causing the monkey protein to glow green in the dark. Read all about it in this month's 'New England Journal of Evil.'"

FEY: "Earlier this week, Steve Geary, an English man who has been blind for two decades, threw a perfect game of dartsat least that's what we're telling him."

FALLON: "MTV News is reporting that Madonna and Britney Spears will meet in May for a possible collaboration. As they have so many, many, times in my dreams."

FALLON: "The US Embassy in Italy reopened this week after terrorist threats forced it to close for three days. Increased security measures include a new fence, added guards and a sign that reads 'You touch-a the embassy, I break-a you face.'"

FEY: "Earlier this week MTV shut down its programming to broadcast the names of hundreds of victims of hate-crimes. This moving tribute was followed by Eminem's 'I'm Going to Kill You Bitch' weekend."

FALLON: The Chinese pandas, T-ven T-ven and May Shang, made their official United States debut this week at the National Zoo in Washington. Zoo officials say the pandas are getting along well, although their relationship will really be put to the test in February when they spend a week on 'Temptation Island.'"

"Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."