Christopher Walken / Christina Aguilera
April 8, 2000

When you're confused about something in life, just remember these four
letters: WWPD (What Would Polishuk Do?)

I am now officially a working stiff! I got a job delivering pizza a couple
of weeks ago, and I can say, without fear of hyperbole, that it is just
about the greatest job in the world. The pay is great, the hours are only
part-time and the work itself can be done by anybody who can drive a car and
read a map. Best of all, I don't work late on Saturday nights, so I'll
never miss SNL. Woo-hoo!

The Oscars were enjoyable. American Beauty deservedly won, Tom
Cruise deservedly lost, Billy Crystal was as funny as ever and nothing
sucked. If Blame Canada had won the best song award, it would have been
perfect, but that might have been a bit too much to ask.

My beloved Blue Jays have gotten off to a fairly average start. It looks
like the pitching staff is in trouble, except for David Wells, Chris
Carpenter and Roy Halladay. I wish Delgado would get off his fat, $12
million a year ass and hit a few homers. Speaking of baseball, here is the

Jordan Davidson's Men In Fuchsia: 2nd place out of 10
Mark Polishuk's Anti-Dentites: 7th place out of 10

Keep in mind that the season is still getting underway, and there's still a
lot of baseball to be played. If Jordan beats me, however, I will scream
like Neve Campbell and pitch a hissy fit.


The All-Chris Episode of SNL, with Topher as the host and Tina as the
musical guest. Walken is always funny when he hosts, and my heart is warmed
by the fact that the Continental will be returning tonight. I actually
don't mind Christina Aguilera, as she is one of the few teen pop stars who
can actually sing. Her songs don't completely suck either.
I am watching this episode with my friends Dave and Trevor, as well as
Trevor's girlfriend Talina. For those of you who wonder why I never watch
SNL with my girlfriend...anyway, they will be chiming in with their opinions
as the night goes on. Or, in another, more accurate way, Dave will be
chiming in with his opinions as the night goes on. Talina's rather quiet
and Trevor "doesn't want to be associated with this crap." What a wet

[COLD OPENING] George Bush, past and present
* It's good to see Dana Carvey back on SNL, even though I was never as big a
fan of him as most people are. I just thought the guy was too much of a
ham. This impression of Bush, for example, is funny and all, but it really
isn't accurate at all.
* Like the Rock, Dana Carvey hit all of his catchphrases. "Wouldn't be
prudent." "Live from New York..." "Na-gun-duh-it."
* Do you get the feeling that they wrote this sketch only so Dana could be
in it? It just kind of died after a while.
* GREAT LINE ALERT: "I know you're not a bright man..."-- George Bush Sr.
(Dana Carvey) to George Bush Jr. (Will Ferrell)
RATING: ***1/2

[MONOLOGUE] Christopher Walken
* Doesn't he sing in all of his monologues? I know he's done it at least
two other times, making this OLD, OLD, OLD.
* Dave sez... Cheri Oteri is the ugliest woman east of Rita MacNeil.
I think that might be a little harsh, seeing as how Cheri isn't a big fat
Canadian singer.
RATING: ***1/4

[SKETCH] VH1 Behind the Music: Blue Oyster Cult
* This was really, really random. Why the hell, in the year 2000, is SNL
doing a sketch about the Blue Oyster Cult? That being said, it was funny.
* Dave sez...Walken sounds like Walken no matter who he's trying to
imitate. I second that emotion.
* You know...I'm not sure about this, but...I don't think the band was
really playing. Am I wrong to be so suspicious? Am I?
* Will needs to hit the gym. His gut is comparable to that of Horatio's
* Kattan looked like Oates, as in Hull and Oates.
RATING: ***3/4

[SKETCH] Elian: The Musical
* This was okay. The songs sounded really Elton John-esque, which helped
the sketch.
* I saw a great cartoon in Newsweek: Elian goes back to Cuba wearing a Nike
shirt and saying
"WASSAAAAP?!" and the Cuban guys are saying "Send him back." It was quite
* Yes! Janet Reno! Will hasn't played her in ages.
* Was that Darwin, from NBC's SeaQuest DSV, making a cameo? Go Darwin. All
SNL needs is Roy Schneider and Jonathan Brandis and it'll be a full-fledged
RATING: ***1/2

[SKETCH] The Continental
* It was kind of creepy hearing the Phil Hartman voice-over. I'm all for
continuity, but in this case, couldn't they have had Darrell do it or
* This edition was a little slow in getting started, but it soon became as
funny as ever.
* What a coincidence: I have the same tattoo as the Continental. I mean,
uh...never mind.
* Walken doctoring the drink gave me a Seinfeld flashback: "I'll slip him a
mickey. It's just like in a movie!"-- George, when he tried to poison his
* GREAT LINE ALERT: "Do you like the painting? It's from Target."-- The
Continental (Christopher Walken)
RATING: ****

[COMMERCIAL] Wives Say "Thanks" to Viagra
* This was okay, nothing special. It beats the hundred repeats that were in
the last show.
RATING: ***5/8

[SKETCH] The Jenny Jones Show: You Called Me A Freak, Now I'm Super Chic
* The sad thing is, this wasn't satirical at all. This is exactly like what
your average Jenny Jones show is like.
* Parnell looked like an S & M version of Kenny G.
* Kattan always seems to get the "tranny" roles, doesn't he? Hmmm....
* This went on a bit too long, but Walken kept it funny with his dry
RATING: ***1/2

[WEEKEND UPDATE] Colin Quinn w/ Will Ferrell
* A lot of good jokes in this update. I particularly liked the ones about
the NFL being compared to a cell block, Mariah Carey in the hospital and the
"News from the Future."
* Will was hilarious as Jacob Silj. I loved his "under the breath"
* GREAT LINE ALERT: "For the third straight year, the New York Mets have
raised ticket prices by twenty percent....and you still have to ride the B
train next to a kid with purple hair, a queer with AIDS, a single mother
with four kids..."-- Colin Quinn
RATING: ****1/4

[MUSICAL GUEST] Christina Aguilera
* Trevor asked me if I really had to watch the musical guest for this
review. I said that I usually just make fun of their clothes. I hit the
mother load this week!
* Hey, Christina! I've got two words for you...EAT SOMETHING.
* Dave sez... her eye shadow looks as if she was beaten by a New York
* I'm not a fan of this song. It falls under the category of "overly sappy
love ballad."

[SKETCH] The Senseless Census
* This was one of the better sketches of the year. It had kind of a Monty
Python-esque quality.
* We were laughing out loud at the passport bit, as well as when Tim asked
him about how many people lived at his apartment. "We've got a lot of candy
bars." HA!
* Both actors did a great job of staying in character. Walken looked like
he was going to break for a second, but he held on.
* GREAT LINE ALERT: "Let's just pretend as if this is going pretty well."--
Tim Meadows
RATING: ****1/2

[SKETCH] Little Miss 50
* You can gauge the quality of a Sally O'Malley sketch by how good the
dialogue is before the main character actually shows up. Before Sally
entered, I thought that the sketch was hilarious.
* Yadda yadda, she's fifty, yadda yadda.
* I thought Walken was going to break into the Little Miss Springfield theme
song. "L, the losers in her wake...I, the income she will make...T is for
her tooth-filled mouth...T is for her tooth-filled mouth..." I love the
* GREAT LINE ALERT: "If I become Miss Greenwood Hills, I'm going to visit
the kids at the burn unit of the hospital and watch their little red faces
just light up!" -- Cheri Oteri, as the runner-up
RATING: ***3/4

[MUSICAL GUEST] Christina Aguilera
* I believe that the first song was originally sung by Ella Fitzgerald. If
so, then Christina just kind of pissed all over her grave by segueing into
"What a Girl Wants," eh?
* Dave sez.... I guess we have a white Whitney Houston now. I say
that I didn't know Christina was a stoner.
* Commandment of Music VIII: Thou shalt not have a teen pop star perform
without a dance routine, or said teen pop star shalt be smoten or hit
RATING: ***1/2

INTERLUDE: Closing Credits
* Could somebody please let Christina know when the show ends, please?
* The woman from the Continental sketch was a cameraman all along? THE

SKETCHES OF THE NIGHT: The Senseless Census, Weekend Update, the
WORST SKETCHES OF THE NIGHT: George Bush Past and Present, The Jenny Jones
LINE OF THE NIGHT: "A repeat offender in Texas was sentenced to 16 years in
prison after stealing a Snickers bar. Not going anywhere for a while?"--
Colin Quinn, Weekend Update
BUSIEST CAST MEMBER: Will Ferrell, Ana Gasteyer, Cheri Oteri, Molly Shannon
(4 each)
CAST MEMBERS WITH TIME TO WASH LORNE'S CAR: Darrell Hammond (0 sketches)
NOTICEABLE MISTAKES: Walken almost broke up during the Blue Oyster and
Census skits


A good show. Christopher Walken was his usual cue card readin', dry
dialogue espousin' self. I was disappointed in Christina Aguilera, because
I would have preferred her singing good songs (like the Ella Fitzgerald
tune) rather than her usual material. Oh well.
Next week is Tobey Maguire, star of such films as Pleasantville and The
Cider House Rules. I'm going to say that he will do a bad job, and I'll
explain why next week. The musical guest is Sisqo, the lead singer from Dru
Hill. I've yet to hear this "Thong Song," so I'll reserve judgment until
See you all next week, and by the time you read this, you will know if Mike
Weir won the Masters or not. GO MIKE!

Episode Review written by Mark Polishuk

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