Britney Spears
May 13, 2000

Yes, people, Renee is back. She wanted to review last week's John Goodman episode, but she couldn't because she sucks. *beats head against desk* ENOUGH WITH THE FARKING THIRD PERSON ALREADY!!! Good lord.

Okay, maybe not. (I mean, maybe I don't suck. Oh, shut up.) But I'm way overwhelmed at school. Ya know, with far too much homework and then with me having a starring role in a school play with about 9 monologues to memorize and a bunch of other lines to commit to memory...yeah, so I'm overwhelmed. To top it all off, the play is an original by a student and the playwright/director is so hyper-protective of the script that rehearsals have turned into pure hell. She sits in on rehearsals and proceeds to throw a fit if we accidentally add one word to a line (for example, instead of saying "I'll have a cup of coffee" saying "I'll JUST have a cup of coffee). If we suggest subtle changes to a line to make it easier to say, she has a heart attack. Heaven forbid we say ANYTHING besides what she wrote. And she doesn't understand the concept of "if a joke in the script isn't working, CUT IT. Or REWRITE it so it does work." She is making my life a living hell. As if I don't have enough to worry about. Good god.

And that was Renee Epstein's Rant Of The Day. Yippee. Add all that crap to the aforementioned massive amounts of homework and a long commute to and from the corrupt world that is high school and you get an idea of the amount of stress I've been under. Which is probably why I'm sick...again...for, like, the sixth time this year. So, while I watched the John Goodman/Neil Young episode last week, I never got around to reviewing it. And I'm sure that disappointed you all. Yeah, right.

So...let me give you poor Renee-deprived ones a few highlights and lowlights of the Goodman/Young show before I move on to this week:

Highlights from last week:
---The Celebrity Millionaire parody. Funny funny funny stuff. Parodying celebrities is always fun.
---Neil Young (I've always liked him, okay?)
---The new featured player Maya Rudolph. She cracked me up as the MTV VJ Ananda. She didn't look like her, but she kinda had the attitude down. And I liked how she said that she just realized that her name is almost the same backwards as it is forwards..."Adnana"
---Kevin Brannan on Weekend Update. This guy is really funny. I loved this bit. I predict he's going to be a cast member next year. He's really funny.
---The Bloater Brothers. Yep, you heard me. I liked the Bloater Brothers. I thought it was just going to be the same crap from the Juliana Margulies show, but they actually put some variation in it. Yay! (and I LOVE Jimmy!)

Lowlights from last week:
---The monologue. A bunch of crap, I tell you. And not funny.
---That skit about Cheri's character being really bad at innuendo. Hello, don't belabor the point, writers!!! And since when have Cheri's characters all become a variation of the "Simmuhduhnah" bitch?
---The overdoing of the "Disney has taken (insert whatever here) away from you" bit. Once they got to "Disney has taken Elian Gonzalez away from his dad", I started looking for a club to bash the TV with. Damn it, I wanted to see more of the celebrity parodies.
---And John Goodman's performance in general. He really half-assed this show, in my opinion. I think they should give him a break. Doing the show every year isn't doing well for his performance.

Yee-haw. On to this week's show...with musical guest Britney Spears (oh good god) and host Britney Spears (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha)

To tell the truth, once I heard that Britney Spears was hosting the show as well as being the musical guest, I really did break into hysterical laughter. Seriously. I was convulsing on the floor. I got the hiccups. My stomach started hurting. I nearly threw up.

Okay, slight exaggeration, but you hopefully get my point.

For those one or two of you who read my reviews regularly, you are probably aware of my opinion of Britney Spears. She's abso-farking-lutely talentless. Seriously. She's what I like to call a "manufactured pop star"...someone picked by a studio just as a puppet, basically. She didn't get into the industry because she genuinely loves music and expressing herself and feels that she has something to say. She got in after passing an audition. There is nothing genuine about her music. The lyrics are trite, and she doesn't even write her own crap. And, as I said, she's talentless. There is nothing that spectacular about her. I mean, she doesn't really have that good of a voice or that great of a vocal range. How do I know this? I can sing every single one of her songs just as well, if not better, than she can. Honestly, the only reason why she's the one under contract and not me is because she can dance (even though it's really stupid choreography that is always featured in her songs) and because she has the size 6 figure with the D-cup-size bra (which was obtained artificially. I mean, who the hell does she think she's fooling?). Oh, and also because I have no desire to be a singer. But other than that...

Yeah, so that sums up my opinions of Britney Spears. Oh, wait. My other opinion (well, it's more of a theory, really) of her is that if she's such a talentless singer, her acting mustn't be that great either. I mean, god, I think that's a given.

And why does she spell her name BRITNEY??? I have encountered many people of the same name, yet they all spell it BRITTANY...ya know, like the province in France? One of my best friends is named Brittany...and she resents how Britney Spears gives all people of that name a bad...name. Yeah, okay, time to shut up.

Moving on...

[OPENING] Rudy Giuliani's Press Conference
LOL, I like Darrell's Rudy impression.
Rudy's rectum is to become a safe place for families to visit? Ew. I think I'll take a rain check on that.
I died laughing when he listed his top priorities. That one about getting his cops to stop shooting all the black people is sad, horribly true, yet funny.
Ana's Hillary impression has really improved. Hee hee, "Hello, fellow New Yorkers." Right.
Great line: "Indiscretions happen. Repeatedly." -Ana as Hillary talking about Giuliani's marital problems.
Ya know, the "Live from New York..." line is getting easier and easier to foresee. I knew EXACTLY when Ana was going to say that. I like it better when it's a surprise. Anyhoo.

grade: A-

Questions about the opening sequence: What is the deal with Chris Kattan's picture? I swear to god, it's changed back and forth so many times this year! Pick one and get over it, people!

[MONOLOGUE] Britney Spears
Nice dress, Britney. *snicker*. Okay, that was sarcasm, for you unobservant ones.
LOL, I did enjoy the lypsynching.
But the breasts were frightening. Good god. Ew. Boy is Renee glad not to have to worry about such freaky things as implants...heeheehee.
Well, 'twas a short monologue, and it was pretty funny. Works for me.

grade: B (she drops a full grade for that hideous dress, the monologue actually scored an A)

[COMMERCIAL] GAPFAT---When you're an XXL...
I seriously passed out in hysterics during this one. I'm not big on mocking XXL people, but this wasn't as much an XXL mock as a Gap ad mock. I have an immense hatred of Gap ads so I love any parody of them. Go Horatio!!!

grade: A+

[SKETCH] Morning Latte
Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew!!! I hate this sketch, I hate these characters, I
hate Cheri and Will. Bad bad bad. These guys are so farking annoying and
the writers never learn. Everytime they do a Morning Latte sketch it's
always the same shit, over and over and overgaahhh.
Wow, Cheri's voice is totally shot. Laryngitis, huh? She sounds like me
after I've spent three play rehearsals screaming at my director.
I hate this. I go off on how I hate this sketch and these characters and Cheri and Will and yet I find things that are funny. I hate this I hate this I hate this.
Anyhoo, there was only really one thing that made me crack up before Britney came was when they talked about "Cardinal Carroll O'Connor". Now THAT'S funny.
Now, I'll admit, I didn't think Britney would be able to act. I mean, as I
said, she ain't much of a singer, and that doesn't bode well for her acting
skills. So you can imagine my complete shock when the Dawn character walked
in and it took me a second before I realized it was Britney. I figure it's a
good sign when I can't recognize the host. SoI was sufficiently surprised
and impressed by Ms. Spears' acting. Good job. Some hilarious
un-Britney-like conduct there. Nice.

grade: I don't usually grade these well unless I was really impressed by
something, and as y'all know (god, now I'm talking like her), I was impressed
by Britney's actingso---A-

[SKETCH] Boston Teens
Okee, enough. You get the point. It's become a tradition for me to say that AT LEAST once in each review. Sorry. Moving on...Britney's voice cracked me up. I don't know why, it just did. And this line just had me dying: "His mothah's breast milk's like Bailey's Irish Cream!"(Rachel) Oh, lordy. A good sketch. Very good.
And Horatio never ceases to crack me up as that character. James? Is that Horatio's name? I can never remember.

grade: A

[CARTOON] The Ambiguously Gay Duo
YAY!!! These guys haven't been around in a while. But they're still just as funny as hell. What's the deal with Robert Smigel's cartoon deal with Fox? Did that fall through? Or is he going to continue with SNL as well? Oh, and by the way, has everyone heard about how Smigel is being sued by Pets.com (the one with the dog sock puppet in their commercials) about that bit he does on Late Night with Conan O'Brien...Triumph the Insult Comic Dog? Apparently, it's something like Pets.com has felt that since Triumph once insulted their sock puppet on the air, it's put a negative connotation to the puppet and will remain in customers' minds. Yeah, whatever, is all I have to say to that.

grade: A

[SKETCH] Woodrow!
Here's the first thing that caught my attention: Chris Parnell kept on slipping and calling Britney "Mrs. Spears". Hmmm...
TRACY!!! I'm sooo glad they used him in a sketch. Finally. Although this was a pretty random sketch. The song was hilarious, but the sketch really didn't go anywhere. Britney wants to live in a sewer...LOL...that's funny.
I liked it, though.

grade: B+

Why was Sarah Michelle Gellar there? Weird-ass, man.
This "Oops! I Did It Again" song is really getting on my farking nerves. It's been stuck in my head for days, and the lyrics are really idiotic. Gaahh.
Nice outfit, Britney. *snort*
Yeah, okay, you all should know my opinion of this music.

grade: Maybe I should be nice, but I don't care--- C+ (I can't stand this song!)

[WEEKEND UPDATE] with Colin Quinn
My favorite joke this week would have to be the one about if Smokey the Bear finds Weaver (the dude responsible for the fire in Los Alamos), he'll eat him. I don't know why that cracked me up so much, but it did, and I had the hiccups after it for about 3 hours.
That was weird---Colin's McCain Medicare joke got no laughs whatsoever---well, I didn't laugh, either, so never mind...
That dude in the audience who made that weird noise during the Paula Jones joke had me in stitches again. But I totally did not get that joke about Pakistan being India's new form of birth control. Someone's going to have to explain that to me. I so didn't get it.
Oh my god, Chris Parnell's rap was farking hilarious. I swear to god. I so wasn't expecting that when he said that he wrote a song and he thought it was kinda corny. And Chris Parnell doesn't exactly seem like a rapper, ya know? But it was hella funny. I enjoyed how he censored himself from saying "shit" on the air. Hilarious, hilarious stuff. And he did a great job. Oh my god. A new-found respect for Chris Parnell, born right here, ladies and gentlemen.
The Angelina Jolie bit once again pushed things way way wayyyy over the line for my taste. (By the way, did she REALLY marry Billy Bob Thornton? That seems like such a weird combination.) Anyhoo, totally pushing the envelope way too hard. Rachel as the kid was what did it for me. I seriously think that SNL needs to tone this down a bit. A little too frightening for me, thank you very much.
I liked seeing Jimmy again. Even if he was playing Billy Bob (jeez, who names their kid "Billy Bob"? That's just asking for ridicule right there). Even if this Update segment was far too creepy for my taste. Oh good god.
That being said...

grade: A- for Colin
A+ for Chris...oh my god, that was so farking funny...
C- for Angelina Jolie and her brother and their child and poor Billy Bob. Enough
already. God.

[SKETCH] Britney Spears Tour Dance Auditions
They did something like this with Sting a few years ago. It didn't really work back then, and it wasn't any better now. Adding Chris Parnell didn't make Chris Kattan's performance any more tolerable. Tim looked sooo apathetic, like he knew the sketch was pure crap. Weird-ass.
And I totally could foresee the two Chris's donning Catholic school girl garb for the "Hit Me Baby One More Time" bit. That was just wayyy too predictable. (By the way, WHAT ON EARTH does that song mean? "Hit me baby"? Is she asking him to abuse her? What the fark? Yeah, that's a positive message to send out to little girls all over the country. God.)

grade: B-

[COMMERCIAL] America's Worst Moments Commemorative Plates
LOL. Hee hee hee. This was really funny.
I love how they put Marisa Tomei's Oscar and Cher's "If I Could Turn Back Time" video in that category. Funny funny funny.
Good god, no more Elian, though, PLEASE!!!

grade: A

[SKETCH] Deeandra Wells "Feel The Love" Tour
Will looked like Alex Trebek.
LOL "I can just imagine how wonderful it must be for all of you to be here with me." (Ana as Deeandra.) Hee hee hee. I love it.
What was with the tape on Ana's thumbs, though? Did anyone else notice that?
"I call him Boo-Boo because he makes so many mistakes!" Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee...okee, enough of that.
I liked this, for the most part. It had a really abrupt ending, though. That kinda ruined things. But all in all, good sketch.

grade: B+

[COMMERCIAL] Uncle Jemimah's Pure Mash Liquor
Again? This is, like, the fourth time this year they ran this. It's funny, but didn't they just show this really recently?
But I'll always love Tim's line at the end: "What you swattin' at?" (to Tracy as cartoon bird circle his head). LOL.
(Ya know, Tim really hasn't appeared in as many sketches as he usually does. Weird-ass. Yes, "weird-ass" is the phrase of the day. You got a problem with that? Okee, never mind, it's late, ignore me.)

grade: A

Cheri and her mom---that was kinda sweet. My god, Cheri really does have a bad case of laryngitis. I almost pity her...but not quite.
What was with Britney's shirt? Ewwww. Ugly as hell, man.
Her lyrics contradict---the song is "Don't Let Me Be The Last To Know", yet she closes with "Let me be the last to know..." I'm assuming that was a mistake. Maybe I should just learn to let these things go...

grade: Okay, fine, I'll be nice, this song isn't nearly as annoying as "Oops! I Did It Again"---B+

I'll keep this brief cause I'm farking tired as hell and want to go to bed.
Anyhoo, not a bad show, Britney impressed me by acting a lot better than I thought she would. Congrats. Now, if only she could learn how to sing songs that aren't so trite...

Next week is Jackie Chan and Kid Rock, if I'm not mistaken. Should be an interesting show. I'm looking forward to it. (Can you tell how tired I am? Usually I stretch this on and on and on for paragraphs and paragraphs but not tonight cause I want to go to bed.)

Anyhoo, so that about wraps it up. Au revoir, mes chous, until next week.

That's it! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! Good-night!

Episode Review written by Renee Epstein

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