Hi-diddly-ho, readerinos!

First of all, the Reach For the Top provincials (or, the reason why this is
late). My team ended up coming in ninth out of 40 teams, with a record of
7-3. The top eight got to stay for a third day. Grrr....Seriously, it kind
of worked out well, because if we had squeaked into eighth, we would have
been killed by the better teams. Plus, I wouldn't have gotten a chance to
write this review.

Second of all, no Maple Leafs jokes, please. Six #(*$%&#($%* shots on net
in the last game of the series. Six. Unbelievable.

Since this is the second last show of the season, it's time to plan ahead
for next year. Since Lorne Michaels has gone on record as saying that he
wants a new cast for the 2000-01 season, it is safe to assume that we're
going to see some new faces. Let's take a look at the cast members who
should (at least in my opinion) be back.

Jimmy Fallon and Chris Parnell are dead-bolt locks to return, since they are
being groomed as the "stars" of the show, sort of like Murphy and Piscopo
back in 1982. Of course, if they really are like Murphy and Piscopo, one of
them will go on to huge stardom while the other's career will crash like the
Titanic.

Rachel Dratch and Horatio Sanz are also very likely to be around for next
year, and both could become stars in their own right with more exposure.

Ana Gasteyer, Tracy Morgan and Maya Rudolph are all wild cards. Ana has
only been with the show for three years, and as thus is still kind of a
fresh face. Tracy, with Tim Meadows finally leaving, has a chance to become
known as more than "the other black guy," but he has been around for four
years and might have missed his window of opportunity. Maya Rudolph, after
only one show, is still an unknown.

Colin Quinn and Chris Kattan are likely gone, but who knows? One would
think that Kevin Brennan is being groomed for Weekend Update, and thus Colin
will be shown the door. Brennan, however, could be more of an A. Whitney
Brown type, as a writer who is just an occasional featured player. Kattan
is a question mark. He's been around for about five years now, but he might
be a useful guy to keep around as a holdover, sort of like Tim Meadows was
the link between the current cast and the Myers-Farley-Sandler years.

I think we can say so long and thanks for all the fish to Will Ferrell,
Darrell Hammond, Tim Meadows, Cheri Oteri and Molly Shannon. Will, Molly
and Cheri can move on, Darrell really has no role now that Clinton is
leaving office, and Tim Meadows has been around since the Atlanta Braves
were a bad team. I can see Will and Molly moving into films, and the others
getting roles on sitcoms. If any of you think that Tim will become a big
movie star based on the upcoming Ladies' Man movie...it's an SNL movie that
doesn't involve Mike Myers. It's going to suck.

So, that would leave your SNL cast for 2000-2001 as, in theory, Rachel
Dratch, Jimmy Fallon, Ana Gasteyer, Tracy Morgan, Chris Parnell, Maya
Rudolph, Horatio Sanz and probably Kevin Brennan.

This leaves four or five more spots in the cast. Two of these spots will go
to women, and so I would suggest myself, Jordan Davidson and Sean Bradley
for the final three. We are all rather young, it's true, but remember that
Eddie Murphy started on SNL when he was only nineteen. I'm sure that one of
us could play the all-important role of either George W. or Al Gore; I could
play either, as I am adept at playing boring men and idiot stoners. Jordan
can sing his parody songs, ala Adam Sandler, and Sean...well, Sean was the
lead in his school play. I'm sure he can do something.

FANTASY BASEBALL UPDATE
Jordan Davidson's Men In Fuschia: 4th out of 10, 97.5 points
Mark Polishuk's P-Wings: 7th out of 10, 81 points

OVERVIEW
Well. Britney (I Swear, These C-Cups Are Just The Result Of A Growth Spurt)
Spears is this week's host and musical guest. Correct me if I'm wrong, but
I think this is the first time that SNL has had two host/musical guests in
the same season. The other one this year was Garth Brooks, who was Chris
Gaines, in case you were fooled by his amazing disguise. Host/guests
usually do a good job with the sketches, at least, and it is a matter of
private opinion how well they do at singing. Seeing as how this Britney
Spears, let me say that the music will really suck. I hope she can act, or
else we might see one big-time train wreck here.

[COLD OPENING] Hillary supports Mayor Giuliani
* This was quite funny; it kind of died when Ana came on, but it was still
good.
* Darrell is going a killer impression here; he looks and sounds exactly
like the real mayor. On second thought, COME BACK DARRELL! WE NEED YOU!
* GREAT LINE ALERT: "To my critics who accuse me of leaving my wife for a
younger, more attractive woman...I assure you, Judith Nesler is 46, and not
that attractive."-- Darrell Hammond, as Rudy Giuliani
RATING: ****

[OPENING CREDITS] Well, so much for my look at SNL next year. See ya,
Maya.

[MONOLOGUE] Britney Spears
* A solo monologue? You'd figure that Britney would be carried by the rest
of the cast. If I was in the cast, I would volunteer to carry her br...uh,
never mind.
* At least she's a good sport for coming on the show after that whole
Hanukah controversy. Remember, Christina Ricci was playing Britney when she
said the immortal line "Hanukah is the time of year when we forgive our
Jewish friends for killing our Lord."
* Short, but not bad.
RATING: ***1/2

[COMMERCIAL] Gap Fat
* I've been waiting a while, but SNL finally spoofed the GAP ads. Horatio
sure looked jolly.
* Fat people dancing = Comedy
RATING: ***1/2

[SKETCH] Morning Latte
* One of the better Morning Latte sketches ever. It managed to balance the
line between ripping on Kathie Lee Gifford and making good jokes.
* Are the hosts going to be afraid of all of the guests now? Because it was
a notch more believable that they were scared of the Rock, rather than of
Britney Spears.
* I, personally, like fronting. It's fun to make people think that you're
something you're not, so then you can gain their trust. They'll let their
guard down, and BAM!...you can rob them of their possessions. It works
every time.
* GREAT LINE ALERT: "I believe that people should be judged on
appearance."-- Cheri Oteri, as Cass Van Ryan
RATING: ****1/4

[SKETCH] Ye Olde Bahsten Teens
* Another okay Bahsten Teens sketch. I could see Fahlen and Drehtch doin'
dese for many years to come...of course, den we'll say how pathetic it is
for dese two people in dere thirties to be playin' teenagehs.
* My pal Scott Durnin has Nomah in our fantasy league, and Nomah is out with
a bad hamstring. Ha ha!
* I love Horatio in this sketch. He looks like such a goof that it's funny.
* Is dere any real reason why dey call her Zazoo? It seems like kind of a
tahcked on thing to me.
* GREAT LINE ALERT: "Where'd you get that dress, Ye Olde House of
Juggery?"-- Jimmy Fahlen, as Pat
RATING: ***7/8

[CARTOON] The Ambiguously Gay Duo
* YES! Funny as ever, but I'm afraid to say that the concept is getting
tired.
* I loved the sassy robot. Anything sassy is funny.
* Poor Shaq. I guess those are the perils of being the MVP. Another one of
the perils is getting whipped in Game 2 by the Phoenix Suns. Ha ha!
RATING: ***3/4

[SKETCH] Britney and Woodrow
* This was kind of...odd. I liked how Woodrow stole the mailbox because it
contained secrets about him. I've done the same thing many a time. Lousy
uppity mailboxes.
* Tale as old as time...Beauty and the Beast. Sorry, just that seeing a hot
chick and a freak in the sewers together reminds me of the old Beauty and
the Beast TV show. It also reminds me of the Ninja Turtles. April O'Neill
was one fine piece of ace.
* I'll break away from my lame comedy to say that this was okay.
RATING: ***3/4

[MUSICAL GUEST] Britney Spears "Oops, I Did It Again"
* Sarah Michelle Geller? Where'd she come from? Why didn't she do more in
the show?
* It got funny to see how winded Britney got during the song. The poor girl
has some trouble singing and dancing at the same time. Sort of like walking
and chewing gum.
* She's done quite a good job of acting so far, but as expected, this sucks.
RATING: **1/2

[WEEKEND UPDDATE] Colin Quinn
* A pretty decent news section. I enjoyed the jokes about the New Mexico
fires. I like to laugh at other people's misfortune.
* Chris Parnell's bit was absolutely great! The hilarity came from how into
it he got. It was like watching Eminem, except we were laughing with Chris,
not at him.
* The Angelina Jolie bit was okay, except that it was basically the same bit
as the one from the Tobey Maguire show. The only difference was that this
one had Billy Bob Thornton sitting there going "What the hell?"
* I wonder how you spell Rachel's character's name?
* GREAT LINE ALERT: "Paula Jones has agreed to appear nude in Penthouse.
Experts predict that will be the best-selling month ever for Playboy."--
Colin Quinn
RATING: ****

[SKETCH] The DiMarcos Audition
* This was pretty funny. The Chrises can really dance...sort of.
* "If you dream, dream out loud." I guess Nana DiMarco gets her homilies
from U2 songs.
* Rumour has it that Britney's dad screens all of the dancers. Apparently,
Daddy Spears only hires homosexual dancers to protect his little Britney.
Judging from the dancers in the musical number, I don't doubt this.
* Once again, Tim Meadows makes a silly line into a funny line.
* GREAT LINE ALERT: "If this goes on any longer, I may have to shoot myself
in the face."-- Tim Meadows, as the dance auditioner
RATING: ***3/4

[SKETCH/COMMERCIAL] America's Worst Moments Commemorative Plates
* Another one of those commercials that benefits from Parnell looking like
an actual pitchman.
* I could add a few more of America's worst moments, but I will restrain
myself. As a Canadian, I have to be polite.
* This is becoming the Chris Parnell Show as we speak.
RATING: ***3/4

[SKETCH] Trouble In The Band
* This was okay. For the last sketch, it was quite good. I think I've
conveyed how average this sketch was, so I'll move on.
* Ana's got nails like a wolverine, or Florence Joyner.
RATING: ***5/8

[COMMERCIAL] Uncle Jemima's Pure Mash Liquor
* This is the third damn time they're shown this! At least replay one of
the other ads, for crying out loud!
RATING: NR (repeat)

[MUSICAL GUEST] Britney Spears
* Cheri's voice really is shot. I can see why she was only in one sketch
tonight. Speaking of shot voices...
* My friend Josh Westgate is, to put it mildly, in love with Britney Spears.
He refers to her as "his Brit-Brit." During a recent dance, we had these
big video screens set up, and they showed her video for "Oops.." Westgate
just stands in front of the screen, mesmerized. Of course, he was also
drunk, so that might explain things.
* As you can tell, I'm trying to avoid talking about the song.
RATING: **

ACTOR OF THE NIGHT: Chris Parnell
SKETCH OF THE NIGHT: Morning Latte
WORST SKETCH OF THE NIGHT: Trouble in the Band
LINE OF THE NIGHT: "It sure is hot. Hey Janet Reno, did you stick a gun in
spring's face and send it back to Cuba too?"-- Will Ferrell, in the Morning
Latte sketch
BUSIEST CAST MEMBER: Chris Parnell (5 sketches)
CAST MEMBERS WITH TIME TO WASH LORNE'S CAR: Darrell Hammond, Tim Meadows,
Tracy Morgan, Cheri Oteri (one sketch each).
CHARACTER BREAKS: Jimmy during the Angelina Jolie bit; Britney during the
DiMarcos dancing sketch
AVERAGE SKETCH RATING: ***3/10 (dropped a lot by the music)
GUT FEELING OVERALL RATING: ***3/4

AFTERSHUKS
It's a good thing I don't do these reviews orally, because I would have a
tough time talking with my foot in my mouth right about now. This was one
of the best shows of the season. Britney Spears was actually very good as
the host. I take back everything I've ever said about her...except for her
singing. That still sucked.
Next week is the season finale, and it will also challenge the Steve
Forbes/Rage Against the Machine show from 1996 for most incongrous
host/musical guest connection, as Jackie Chan and Kid Rock will be on. Chan
is a great action star, but I'm worried that the sketches will just be him
mugging for the camera. Kid Rock is okay, but I'm personally disappointed
because I wanted Pearl Jam to be on.
Sorry about the poor review this week. I'm very tired.

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