Tobey Maquire / Sisqo
April 15, 2000


Do you know who's really untalented? Bruce Springsteen. I picked up his
greatest hits CD, and what a waste of time that thing is. He must be one
damn good live performer if he can make those tuneless monsters into hit

After two games...
Stanley Cup, anyone?

Jordan Davidson's Men in Fuschia: 6th place out of 10
Mark Polishuk's Anti-Dentites: 8th place out of 10


Tobey Maguire always plays slightly nervous, shaky characters in his movies.
I hope to God that just means he's a good actor, because being nervous is
not a good quality for an SNL host. The musical guest is Sisqo, another
one-hit wonder who nobody will remember in ten years. Not exactly the most
talented duo to ever headline a show, but maybe it will be good anyway.
I am again watching the show with my friend Dave tonight, so he will be
making his usual comments. My apparently mute friends Trevor and Eric don't
choose to participate. Spoilsports.

[SKETCH] The SNL Cast Rules
* That's just the title by the way. This particular cast far from rules.
* An okay little opener that probably would've gotten a better audience
reaction if anyone had actually seen the movie on which it was based. I
think Deuce Bigalow made more money than Cider House Rules did, which is
pretty damn sad.
* What's Darrell whining about? He's been in a lot of movies. Incidentally,
it's good to see him IN A SKETCH this week.
* Chris Kattan is a bubble-boy! "Moops!" "Moors!" "Moops!" "Moors!"
* Joe Piscopo sure gets picked on a lot, doesn't he? I mean, he's hardly the
only SNL cast member to bomb in the movies, and it's not like Tracy Morgan
or Cheri Oteri are going to be Hollywood icons either, eh?
* Oddly enough, Tobey Maguire is the first host to say "Live from New
York..." since Ben Stiller all the way back in October of 1998. Zany.
RATING: ***5/8

[MONOLOGUE] Tobey Maguire
* I guess the nervousness was just acting. I withdraw my objection to Mr.
* NEVER EVER have this writer on camera again. This guy killed the entire
monologue. To use of my friend Scott Durnin's favourite sayings, "Is this
amateur hour?"
* Jar Jar Binks wasn't the problem with Phantom Menace. The problem was the
dialogue. Hearing "the power of the force" eight hundred times was a lot
more annoying than Jar Jar. RATING: ***1/8

[SKETCH] Celebrity Jeopardy
* HUZZAH! Celebrity Jeopardy is back! HUZZAH!
* The Hilary Swank thing fell flat with me. I don't think she's done
anything that deserves to be made fun of, and besides, she's too hot to be
played by Jimmy Fallon.
* Keanu Reeves, on the other hand, is a living joke. "I know kung fu." "No,
you don't."
* Dave sez... "none of you knows" is bad grammar. The proper term is "none
of you know." Who's smart now, Trebek?
* Connery actually got a question right? That ruins the whole thing!
* A bit below the usual standards of the sketch, but still very funny.
RATING: ****3/8

[SKETCH] Simmuhduhnuh at Burger Castle
* One joke. They have turned one lousy joke (that never changs, mind you)
into a recurring sketch. Pretty freaking weak.
* Lorne already admitted he sniffs ether in this show, and here is example
* The last time that this sketch was on, I named this character Augusta.
Reader JACGrunge, however, sent an e-mail that informed me of the
character's true name, Nadine. A pat on the back to JACGrunge.
* Tim sure likes those Detroit Pistons, doesn't he?
* The Donna Summer bit got a chuckle from me. That was it.

[CARTOON] Fun With Real Audio: Up Close With Geppetto
* What the hell was this? Robert Smiegel is a disturbed human being.
* Lorne Sniffs Ether: Example 2
* I guess you could say that Pinocchio got a woody! HA HA HA HA HA!

[SKETCH] Inside the Actors Studio with Screech
* This was pretty funny, if only for the impressions. Will is great as James
Linton, and Maguire's Diamond was pretty funny as well. His voice, though,
sounded more like that nerdy kid from the Simpsons. "Hey, that comes out of
my salary! If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me!"
* I am proud to say that I never watched a single episode of Saved By the
* Doesn't Dustin Diamond sound like the name of a porn star?
* I got a good laugh at the gigantic stack of questions on the desk.
* GREAT LINE ALERT: "If you have not seen Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style,
then I suggest that you see the greatest movie in the history of the
universe."-- Will Ferrell, as James
RATING: ****

[SKETCH] Rich Pricks Bother the Tennis Pro
* This was a waste of time. I can't believe they wasted an opportunity to
satirize rich snobs. Few things on earth are funnier than rich snobs, and
SNL instead does a dumb skit like this.
* Ana's voice was like nails on a chalkboard being carved by a dentist's
drill. Will's voice, on the other hand, was so mumbly that for the first
half of the sketch, I thought Ana's character was named Gender.
* Dave sez...some writer actually sat down, thought this would be a funny
idea, wasted some paper in writing it down, read it aloud to other people,
they somehow found it funny, and put it on television. Unbelievable.
* I was hoping that their opponents would be the Zimmermans, so at least
something funny would come of this.
* Lorne Sniffs Ether: Example 3
* I have a bad feeling that this might become a recurring sketch. If that
happens, then get an umbrella to shield you from the rain of frogs, because
the world is coming to an end.
RATING: **1/2

* A pretty good edition of WU. Highlights included George Dubya and his
scale, MLK Day in South Carolina on June 32nd, and especially the one about
Mark Chmura. As a Green Bay Packers fan, Chmura is a giant embarrassment. I
mean, other NFL players just kill people, but at least they don't hit on
teenage girls. That's just weird.
* As for the Angelina Jolie bit, let me be the first to nominate Jon Voight
for Father of the Year. It was a close shave between him and Elian's dad,
but Voight wins the day.
* Continuing tonight's theme of sexual deviants, here comes Joy Lipton. This
is a character that will get old fast.
RATING: ***7/8

[MUSICAL GUEST] Sisqo "The Thong Song"
* Are you kidding me? HE DIDN'T EVEN SING THE SONG! What an utter joke. If I
wanted to listen to a pre-recorded show, I'd listen to Britney Spears.
* Dave sez....what are they wearing, garbage bags?
* Lorne Sniffs Ether: Example 4
* This was one of the most unintentionally funny things I've ever seen. I
hope Sisqo's got enough money already, because he just lost all credibility
with this "performance." This is even worse than DMX and Dr. Dre, because at
least they performed live. Just brutal.
RATING: 1/2*

[SKETCH] Yoga Head
* In the words of Stan on South Park, "Dude, this is pretty f***ed up, right
* Tobey Maguire looked like Yanni.
* Will recognizes the anniversary of Kurt Cobain's suicide by saying "I
found my nirvana" while he is blowing himself. Insert your own joke here:
a) Nirvana and sucking dick just seem to go together, don't they?
b) If he really found Nirvana, Will would be blowing his head OFF.
c) If Will happened to have gotten his erection by looking at Courtney Love,
that would make Courtney responsible for this, too.
RATING: ***1/2

[SNL STUDIOS] Food Pawn Shop
* This was the best of the SNL films so far, which is more an indictment of
the other two rather than praise of this one.
* What the hell is Steve Buscemi doing in there? He should be hosting, not
in some two-bit film.
* I thought Horatio's charcater was pretty funny, what with his sleeping
upright and "throwing Dobermans at old ladies."
* I think the hold-up man was the lame writer from the monologue. NEVER
RATING: ***3/4

[SKETCH] Raspberry Soda, A Mars Bar and Porn
* This was okay, but it's one of those sketches that is only tolerable in
the 12:50 slot. Or in tonight's case, the 1:00 slot. DAMN YOU PHILADELPHIA
RATING: ***1/2

* This was okay, but it seemed really tacked on.
RATING: ***3/8

SKETCHES OF THE NIGHT: Celebrity Jeopardy, Inside the Actor's Studio
WORST SKETCHES OF THE NIGHT: Simmuhduhnuh, Fun With Real Audio, Rich Pricks,
LINE OF THE NIGHT: "Clinton agreed to the interview after he saw a picture
of DiCaprio, and thought she was pretty hot."-- Colin Quinn, Weekend Update
BUSIEST CAST MEMBER: Will Ferrell (6 sketches)
Tracy Morgan, Molly Shannon (2 sketches each)
NOTICEABLE MISTAKES: The idea to book Sisqo on the show
AVERAGE SKETCH RATING: A bit under ***1/4


Even though there were a couple of good skits, this was overall a really
poor showing. This one is right down there with the Jamie Foxx show as worst
of the year. Tobey Maguire was a lot better than I'd thought he'd be, and
Sisqo was beyond awful. SNL has been in a rut lately, with two average shows
(Josh Jackson, Rock), one okay show (Walken) and now this eyesore. They need
to step it up as we head toward the end of the season.

The next show will be on May 6, when good ol' John Goodman will be back to
host. Goodman will make me 4.5/18 in the Guess the Hosts contest (I'm giving
myself half a point for Jennifer Lopez). The musical guest is Neil "Look at
My Sideburns" Young, who I've never been a big fan of. Al least he'll
actually sing his song(s).

Until next time, remember...laughter is the best medicine. Unless you're a
diabetic, in which case insulin is usually much more effective.-- Norm

Episode Review written by Mark Polishuk

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