Justin Timberlake
October 11, 2003

By Anna Zeimantz

Justin Timberlake/Justin Timberlake Review

Pre-Show Thoughts: So, Justin started out in Nsync, the five-part singing and dancing troupe. Then he left them to create a solo act where there just so happen to be four other people dancing on stage with him. He sickens me, and I believe that the vortex of hell lies in his asshole. I hereby resolve to not use this review to articulate my disgust in former-boy band member Justin Timberlake. I will stick to the review. Who knows? Maybe some godlike member of the audience will dash onto the stage during the monologue and strangle him. Such a show would receive full points. One can only hope.

Hardball with Chris Matthews: 7.5 /10

Paris Hilton jokes can never not be funny. Amy is becoming my favorite cast member this season, I love her Ann Coulter. The audience seems to love Kennan - although the Gary Coleman jokes are pretty obvious. I got the Webster joke, however, because I am also an avid viewer of I Love the 80s. "Good lord, I would call you a media whore but I feel that would be offensive to whores."

Monologue: 9/10

Try as I might, I just could not hold back from laughing. I disgust myself. "I don't sign dude's breasts." Ugh. Call it a reluctant 9 points.

Punk't: Barely Legal: 10/10

Holy crap! "Why am I so kick-ass? Is it because I am dating Demi Moore? You know it!" Maya doing Christina and Justin's awesome impersonation of Ashton - gold. Wow.

CNN Press Conference: 8/10

This impression isn't even that good and yet I love it. "...because my background as a bodybuilder and an action-film star did not prepare me for being governor and all of these types of things."

A Message from Nick Lechay and Jessica Simpson: 8/10

Jimmy's tribal tattoos are a nice touch. The best part of Justin's impression is that Jessica Simpson really is the lame. I find it a little strange, though, that he is dissing a girl who he once shared Tiger Beat covers with. "If I'm so retarded than how come my driver's license says functionally retarded."

Benny's vs. Omelet Bell: 8.5/10

I felt legitimately bad for Chris's mascot, and making fun of Britney's noise (because it cannot be considered music, people) is a great low blow. Folic images using bacon and eggs is a sure win.

Direct TV endorsement with Gary Busey: 5/10

Gary Busey is indeed, as weird as this portrayl. However, this was pitifully unfunny.

Sully and Denise: 9/10

Ah, it is so nice to have our two lovebirds back. I like the Danny character, as I identify with a youthful fascination with fire; my poor Barbie dolls. "I will have the Tuna Tar Tar - well done."

Musical Performance A: I made myself a PB&J. Adam's Crunchy style is the best.

Weekend Update:  8/10

The Pamela Mackey stuff was nice, Salmon porn was terrific. Most of the other stuff was weird. "Flerm?" The vendetta about Star Jones is so wonderfully strange and vindictive.

Sharon Osbourne Show: 6.5/10

I honestly feel bad for that dog. Last year, I really wasn't a fan of Fred's, but this year he is really growing on me. Again Amy is fabulous, she even has the facial and body movements down. Sharon Osbourne is insane.

Justin Sings with Kermit: 10/10

Will Forte is incredible. He needs more air time, but what little time he has is perfection. "And Justin can you say you are sorry to Bill for being a douche bag?"

Karl Weathers for Governor: 4/10

The Black Guy in Predator... um, sure. Not funny.

Amy Has a Crush: 9/10

"Hee ha ha hee ha..." Terrific!

Musical Performance B: As I watch this I make note that every other person in JT's band is black. That's what I call compensation--- you aren't "street", white boy.

Barry Gibb Talk Show: 6/10

The Bee Gee's music has always sort of scared me, there is only so much vibrato one can take. Jimmy did a really good take on that high-pitched scariness. Justin was laughing, but he managed to hold it back - kudos.

Post-Show Thoughts: Favorite sketches of the night were Punk't and Amy Has a Crush. Although his music still sucks hardcore, and I still think that he it is a sad fact that people like his stuff, he was a damn decent host. Next week we've got his ex for musical guest, which should suck sufficiently.