October 11, 2003
Justin Timberlake/Justin Timberlake
Pre-Show Thoughts: So, Justin started out in Nsync, the
five-part singing and dancing troupe. Then he left them to create
a solo act where there just so happen to be four other people
dancing on stage with him. He sickens me, and I believe that
the vortex of hell lies in his asshole. I hereby resolve to not
use this review to articulate my disgust in former-boy band member
Justin Timberlake. I will stick to the review. Who knows? Maybe
some godlike member of the audience will dash onto the stage
during the monologue and strangle him. Such a show would receive
full points. One can only hope.
Hardball with Chris Matthews: 7.5 /10
Paris Hilton jokes can never
not be funny. Amy is becoming my favorite cast member this season,
I love her Ann Coulter. The audience seems to love Kennan - although
the Gary Coleman jokes are pretty obvious. I got the Webster
joke, however, because I am also an avid viewer of I Love
the 80s. "Good lord, I would call you a media whore
but I feel that would be offensive to whores."
Try as I might, I just could
not hold back from laughing. I disgust myself. "I don't
sign dude's breasts." Ugh. Call it a reluctant 9 points.
Punk't: Barely Legal: 10/10
Holy crap! "Why am I so
kick-ass? Is it because I am dating Demi Moore? You know it!"
Maya doing Christina and Justin's awesome impersonation of Ashton
- gold. Wow.
CNN Press Conference: 8/10
This impression isn't even that
good and yet I love it. "...because my background as a bodybuilder
and an action-film star did not prepare me for being governor
and all of these types of things."
A Message from Nick Lechay
and Jessica Simpson:
Jimmy's tribal tattoos are a
nice touch. The best part of Justin's impression is that Jessica
Simpson really is the lame. I find it a little strange, though,
that he is dissing a girl who he once shared Tiger Beat covers
with. "If I'm so retarded than how come my driver's license
says functionally retarded."
Benny's vs. Omelet Bell: 8.5/10
I felt legitimately bad for Chris's
mascot, and making fun of Britney's noise (because it cannot
be considered music, people) is a great low blow. Folic images
using bacon and eggs is a sure win.
Direct TV endorsement with
Gary Busey: 5/10
Gary Busey is indeed, as weird
as this portrayl. However, this was pitifully unfunny.
Sully and Denise: 9/10
Ah, it is so nice to have our
two lovebirds back. I like the Danny character, as I identify
with a youthful fascination with fire; my poor Barbie dolls.
"I will have the Tuna Tar Tar - well done."
Musical Performance A: I made myself a PB&J. Adam's Crunchy
style is the best.
Weekend Update: 8/10
The Pamela Mackey stuff was nice,
Salmon porn was terrific. Most of the other stuff was weird.
"Flerm?" The vendetta about Star Jones is so wonderfully
strange and vindictive.
Sharon Osbourne Show: 6.5/10
I honestly feel bad for that
dog. Last year, I really wasn't a fan of Fred's, but this year
he is really growing on me. Again Amy is fabulous, she even has
the facial and body movements down. Sharon Osbourne is insane.
Justin Sings with Kermit: 10/10
Will Forte is incredible. He
needs more air time, but what little time he has is perfection.
"And Justin can you say you are sorry to Bill for being
a douche bag?"
Karl Weathers for Governor: 4/10
The Black Guy in Predator...
um, sure. Not funny.
Amy Has a Crush: 9/10
"Hee ha ha hee ha..."
Musical Performance B: As I watch this I make note that every
other person in JT's band is black. That's what I call compensation---
you aren't "street", white boy.
Barry Gibb Talk Show: 6/10
The Bee Gee's music has always
sort of scared me, there is only so much vibrato one can take.
Jimmy did a really good take on that high-pitched scariness.
Justin was laughing, but he managed to hold it back - kudos.
Post-Show Thoughts: Favorite sketches of the night were
Punk't and Amy Has a Crush. Although his music still sucks hardcore,
and I still think that he it is a sad fact that people like his
stuff, he was a damn decent host. Next week we've got his ex
for musical guest, which should suck sufficiently.