Kelly Ripa / Outkast
November 1, 2003

By Sarah

I'm baaaaaaaack!

Yeah, I know, about three people missed me. Admit it, you did. Well, I haven't done a review yet this season because my senior year is being tough on me and I always procrastinate on my homework, so that leaves no time for typing recreationally on Sundays. That, and I've just been really lazy when I don't have work to do. Don't expect an every-week thing like last season; I can't keep up with that anymore! I've cut the Major Player Award and the Tina Fey Count because it's just useless stats anyway. So sorry.

I'm typing most of this on Saturday morning, fifteen minutes before I have to leave for the SAT II test. Since I, uh, sorta bombed them the first time, I'm retaking them, and hopefully I won't die. We're hoping. I've got Spanish with listening lined up, and that's the one that'll kill me because Spanish is my comatose-daydream class. Everyone in that class is so out of it all the time; we only move if there's food out that day or something. I'm scared about the test, I really am. After that one, I've got Math I. I did so bad on Math II. I've lost all of my mad geometry skills. I've been trying to review for it, but who can do that when there are so many distractions around?
Wow, that was tough, but no surprise. Spanish too bad I plan on having that language be a part of my career, because obviously I'm not too fluent in it. Caramba.

Summer was an interesting one this year for me. I'm not going to go into detail, but just rest assured that -yours truly- had some fun for once. And good for me, I say, because I'd been Ms. Friend Police for sixteen years and now I'm done. Pass the torch along to my sister or something. She likes to criticize how I spend my time, and probably is doing so for my own good. I don't know why it is, but my "senioritis" is awful. I can't concentrate on anything. This entire year is feeling like the last month of school, except with a lot more work. Here's my schedule.
1. AP (advanced placement, for those who don't know) English
2. Honors Physics (lost in there)
3. AP Spanish (already covered this subject)
4. French 1 (Yeah, I know what you want to ask. Yes, I sometimes do throw in Spanish words subconsciously)
5. Political Science
6. AP Calculus (kill me now)
Pretty loaded, huh? It's no wonder I just crash when I have any free time. Good lord.

The college search is another dreaded priority. I'm applying to most of the UC system, although now I'm thinking of going out of state. My dad's ecstatic that I'm considering Oregon State, his alma mater. I just figure California's a little too expensive and screwed up right now that I'd rather take my chances in Oregon weather and out-of-state tuition. Now, to get those applications completed not to mention scholarships

Halloween was yesterday. I had no plans for the evening yet, so I decided to dress up for school like everyone else. Well, my sister thought it would be hilarious if prep-girl me would go as a rocker. She's a punk, kind of, so it was her genius idea to take on the challenge of putting my hair in a mohawk. It took an hour of hairspraying yesterday morning, but we got it to stand. My hair is long, too, so it was probably incredibly shocking to see me with my gravity-defying 'do. I had to drive to school with my head tilted so I wouldn't bend it. I wore a trenchcoat, dark red lipstick, and painted my nails black, too. All day, people stared and pointed, and my hair was the talk of the school, apparently. Nobody hid their reactions. I had random people complimenting me and asking to touch it. My teachers and even the administrators went nuts. They loved it. We measured the thing in class and it was 15 inches long. I looked like I had a fin on my head. The wind was catching it too, so it got a little warped by the end of the day. At lunch, I was prodded to go join the costume contest, so I stood with the "artsy" people and strutted across the stage to plenty of cheers. Pretty cool stuff. I don't know if I won though, because the only element that was impressive was the hairspray job. I said "hairspray" a million times. So my sister was proud of herself and I got my picture taken a few times with people around school and got to hear plenty of "WHOA!"s as I walked down the hall. I've got pictures of it; I may link to them sometime when I get them developed.

And, now, everyone's favorite part you all missed it

I'm breaking away from the SNL-site plugs, and now I'm just going to plug anything I like. Right now, I'm all about the 80s. What an awful decade. Awfully hilarious, that is. Anyone who has not had the opportunity to watch I Love The 80s on VH1 is missing out on some good old-fashioned nostalgia of how cheesy and poorly-made everything was then. That show was even nostalgic for me, even though I'm too young to remember any of it. I still knew the music and the kids' stuff, so I enjoyed the series greatly. I really only listen to 70s and 80s music after I remembered all of these CLASSICS. I love it. This series also ties in with my obsession.
Anyone who knows me personally knows that I am a fanatic for the band Journey. I know more about this band than I probably should, but I just think they're the greatest thing I've ever heard. I get really animated regarding them. I'm such a geek.
A lot of people have the misconception that Journey is all about the sappy shit like "Open Arms" and the cutesy-inspirational "Don't Stop Believin'", but no, they're really not just that. That just happens to be their hit songs. They had a lot of rockin' songs, especially during the 70s and really early 80s. I recommend that everyone go listen to "Stone In Love", "Dixie Highway", and my favorite Journey song right now, "Lady Luck". All hardcore stuff. Neal Schon is a talented guitarist, for sure.
And, yeah, I've got a -thing- for lead singer Steve Perry; I'll admit it. I just love the way he looked in the late 70s. Not to mention his voice is incredible. I always get teased a little by those who know I do, and the argument is apparently that I "love an old man". How hard is it to understand that I'm not into him now? He wasn't old then. Good lord.
By the way contrary to popular belief, Journey is still around and putting out new stuff, they just haven't had much spotlight since they have a different lead singer now. His name is also Steve, anyway, so go see them sometime. They've got a Greatest Hits DVD coming out this month. Buy it. And there's my obsession for the month. Ah, thank you.

I had some mail from Jeremy, but sadly I lost it. So, anyway, he was just writing to check if I was still around and watching SNL. Yes, yes I am.
Questions? Comments? Agree/disagree with my commentary and/or obsessions? Love to have you talk to me! Keep 'em coming at, which I check when I actually remember that we still have AOL. I'll get around to you sometime. I swear.

<[AT THE MOVIES]> Scary Movie 3
I saw this last night on Halloween. Now that I'm 17 and can go to R movies guilt-free, I'm taking advantage of my lost years and watching R-rated movies pretty much exclusively now.
So, anyway, I was surprised to see as many young kids in there as I did, especially since they're pretty, uh, risqué movies. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, though.
The movie was funny, but not hilarious. I'm probably just jaded because I'm a self-titled reviewer of comedy, but not everything makes me laugh like it used to. How sad. If you haven't seen The Ring, Signs, or The Matrix, you probably should see those first, because they're the main films that are skewered here. There's nothing deep about this review because there sure as hell isn't anything deep about the movie. It made no sense, but it wasn't supposed to. I'd recommend it, though. Go see it if you just want to chuckle at some random pop culture references and slapstick gags. I do not enjoy slapstick.
I give this, uh, film: TWO AND A HALF STARS


Now that we're all (I think) caught up, it's time to get down and dirty in SNL.

Jack Black / John Mayer ­ Disappointments galore, because of Jack's fantastic show last time. I think I sort of got distracted by my nail polish during this show, because I can't remember anything memorable. Was it the (semi) absence of Will Ferrell? Could have been. The excitements of the night were the promotions of Will Forte (that guy still rules), Seth (who hasn't impressed me in a while), and Jeff (superlative impressionist). I think that was it the opening montage is impressive, but the stage seems a little closed in. Maybe it's just me.

Justin Timberlake ­ So far, the highlight of the season, and that's not saying too much. Justin was excited, and he's not a bad actor at all. Apparently, I missed a lot when I fell asleep before the Andy Gibb sketch. Ah, well. I wouldn't mind seeing Justin come back.

Halle Berry / Britney Spears ­ The kiss monologue was utterly pointless. As was pretty much the rest of the show. And Finesse had that ghetto-girl repeat sketch. Britney did some bad lip-synching, I changed the channel, and then we all went home.


Tonight's Host: Kelly Ripa
Kelly Ripa? Kelly Ripa?? Why? I can't quite wrap my brain around this one.

Tonight's Musical Guest: OutKast
They're coming back after two seasons with new stuff. I like OutKast, well, at least what I've heard on the radio. What's the deal with having two albums in one, though? Are they split up? I don't know.
My Grading System: Ah, yes, the old boring 1-10 scale. 10 is FANTASTIC. I don't see many 10s in this episode.
<[COLD OPENING]> George Bush? I think?
Starring: Hammond
Comments: What the hell? This makes Parnell's impressions look like comedy GOLD. There was no voice here at all, and what the fuck was with the unibrow?
Grade: 3
<[MONOLOGUE]> Kelly Ripa
Starring: Ripa, Dratch, a lot of writers
Comments: I love Jim Downey. That guy rules. Rachel was great, too. Actually not a lame monologue for once.
Grade: 7
<[COMMERCIAL]> Tressant Supreme
Starring: Ripa
Comments: Good stuff! Laughing at drugs always a tasteless joke, but I love it.
Grade: 7
<[SKETCH]> Regis and Kelly
Starring: Hammond, Poehler, Ripa, Meyers, CHRIS KATTAN
Comments: Well, we knew this was coming. I didn't expect Kattan, though. The way he ends his comments with that stare is worth having Kattan back. I still haven't really watched Live! before, but I don't really need to for this one. Angelina Jolie was played excellently by Kelly. She's not bad so far
Grade: 7
<[SKETCH]> Access Hollywood
Starring: Fallon, Sanz, Ripa
Comments: Really? Is this the only impression Jimmy's got anymore? It was his main one last season too. And it's not that great. Kelly's impression of Renee Zellweger was good though. Horatio was awful. Best part: the celebrity pictures. And that's all I have to say.
Grade: 5
<[MUSICAL GUEST]> OutKast, or rather Andre 3000
I like this song a lot. Andre has a very entertaining way of singing/rapping/whatever he does. Approved.
Starring: Fallon, Fey, Sanz, Richards
Comments: Aaaaaand Drunk Girl is back. Tina acted like Jeff hadn't meant to fall over. And, for once, the actual jokes were good! At least they were at the beginning. It's sad, though, that Tina does a great Arnold impression and Darrell's isn't that great. The P. Diddy race? Stupid. Horatio? I don't even care. If they hadn't been laughing there would have been nothing funny about this at all. My aunt's a big Jimmy Buffett fan, I wonder if she watched this.
Grade: 7
<[SKETCH]> Cow Farts
Starring: Forte, Ripa, Armisen
Comments: Again, I say, what the hell? I can't even express how much fart jokes annoy me. Especially on SNL, and I don't know why this show makes them seem so much worse. Will Forte, come on. I love your humor, but why are you agreeing to this?
Grade: 4
<[SKETCH]> Pet Psychic
Starring: Rudolph, Ripa, Sanz, Dratch
Comments: Mediocre sketch, but I didn't mind it anyway. Maya can sound crazy when she tries hard enough. That was about it.
Grade: 5
I didn't know this was OutKast! I hear this song all the time. It was okay, but I prefer Andre's song.
<[SKETCH]> Spy Glass
Starring: Meyers, Poehler, Ripa, Dratch, Fallon
Comments: Well, at least Amy and Seth are paired up again, but this was bad. And Pat O'Brien AGAIN? Once a show, please, if even that. Uh, well, Rachel was okay. Woohoo for the Men At Work mention. 80s!
Grade: 4
<[SKETCH]> Animal Shelter
Starring: Ripa, Parnell
Comments: Wasn't this Chris' only sketch, besides voiceovers? Why couldn't he do Bush then? And what was this about? Insulting the dog randomly? And a cute dog, too? Okay
Grade: 4
Comments: Aw, this was terrible. It's the writing. There's not even a hint of trying here. Horatio's scaring me the way he laughs all the time. Jimmy's not even doing it anymore. It's all Horatio. The audience was cracking up all night though. OutKast was excellent.
Highest Rated Sketch(es): Monologue, Tessant Supreme, Regis and Kelly
Lowest Rated Sketch(es): Cold Opening; a lot of others
Busiest Player(s) of the Night: I don't feel like counting, but it seemed like Horatio showed up a lot.
Underused Player(s) of the Night: Finesse and Kenan were nowhere to be found.
Host Sketch Count: Kelly Ripa appeared
Surprise Guest Appearance: Chris Kattan
LFNY Tally: Hammond 3, Rudolph 1
Grade: (7 x 4) + (5 x 2) + (4 x 3) + 3 = 53 / 10 = 5.3 Bad.

Next Week: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews
Uh. Huh. Andy Roddick, eh? Sounds like a GEM! I might review next week, then again, I may not. I'll still be watching, though, no matter how painful it gets.