Baldwin / Missy Elliot
November 15, 2003
What up, dawgs! (Sorry, too much
Yes, it's been over a month.
Sickness, bad formatting, aliens, whatever. So here it is, three
reviews in a row!
First, my whole spiel from last
I am WAY behind, so tonight,
I have added last week's review of Kelly Ripa.
Apologies for no reviews the
last two shows. Submitted the Justin Timberlake one too late
(for the record, I still don't like the guy, but some of the
sketches will be in my best and worst list for sure) and the
Halle Berry one.well, what was the point (ok, the best of Klymaxx
was funny and the speed reader one was a good idea but the rest
is best left unsaid.)
Well, it's that time of yearsweeps!
Where TV networks suck you in to watch endless promos of other
shows. At least we are spared of Coupling.
Tonight's contestant: Kelly Ripa.
She was one of the hosts of the Just for Laughs festival this
summer in Montreal (along with SNL's own Tina Fey) and got raves.
Her new show Hope and Faith is one of the bright spots in ABC's
lineup. Kooky chickieyay! Musical guests: the funky duo Outcast.
Changing of the guard (Presidential
Address-cold reading): Well, looks like Parnell is going to the
SNL minors cuz Darrell is Bush tonight. I wish I can tell you
what he said, but the truth is, nothing grabbed my attention.
Where's Big Daddy where you need
him (monologue): The tried and not always true "talk to
the audience" gag came into play. Somewhat better, not by
-"We only got two kids! Why can't you look like that?!"
-"I've enjoyed watching you blossom into womanhood."
Coming soon: gel with heroin
(Tressant Supreme). One of the better commercials so far this
year. Plus it does explain a few things. 8
You know it was coming (Regis
and Kelly): Well, look who came crawling backMango!!! The sketch
was alright, but since it's Chris, I give it an 8.
"It says that you make out with brother."
"I'm sorry, I find your perkiness disgusting."
Next week: Andy Roddickwait a
sports person is hosting? (counts down to the return of Alec
(Renee Zellwegger): We went four
episodes without Horatio and Jimmy not ruining a sketch. We came
pretty damn close tonight. Pretty uneven, though Horatio chugging
down Alfredo sauce is a sight. But what was with the ending?
Weekend update: LOVED Tina's
Arnold imitation. HATED the return of Drunk Girl. And Jimmy needed
to get booed for the joke on Rod Roddy. Cuz yeah, dying of colon
AND breast cancer is a riot. Thankfully, Tina pulled them back.
And look at thatHoratio and Jimmy DID manage to screw it up.
-(Arnold wins, fires engulfs the state) "God has cast his
-(Roy's update)"Condition has gone from critical to fabulous"
-(Paris Hilton)"If you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."
-(Kobe) "Shaq couldn't rape his way out of a wet paper bag."
Moo! (Cows, methane) 5 minutes
of fart jokesfrom cows! 2
"You study farts!"
(Leilana Burke): One of those
surreal sketches where you're WTF'ed. However, this is becoming
Maya's breakout year. 5
-"In cat language, there are over 200 words for string."
That was supposed to be witty
repartee? Or why cloning is really bad (Spy Glass):
Uhhmm. And Pat O'Brien redux. 3
Awww!!! (Animal shelter.) As
much as I love my weenie dog, sometimes, he is an ass. So I can
relate to this. 7
"Pumpkin is pretty much a douche bag."
"But inside, he's a soulless creep" "Like Craig
"Every once in a while, a dildo slips through the cracks."
" I am this close to shipping you off to a Korean barbecue."
Final score: 6.35
Better than Halle Berry, but
not by much. Ripa is a funny gal, but the sketches failed her.
And can someone please do something so that Sanz and Fallon can
get through one sketch? My patience has worn thin with those
Well, that was refreshing.
Tonight's victim: Andy Roddick.
Current golden boy of the tennis world. Now I've seen this guy
play right in front of me and he deserves all the praise. But
act? More appropriate question: can he suck more than Jonny Mosley?
(Martha Stewart): The only thing
wrong with this one is that the former owners of these impressions
did them too well. So sadly, Rachel and Amy get screwed. 6
Lines: "They know you and
they hate you."
"One person went so far to say 'See you next Tuesday.' "
Queer Eyes, John can be your
next victim: (Monologue): Well we were spared by a bad monologue
bya rehash of last week's musical guest?! But hey, the girls
are grooving and in the end, is that so wrong? I guess he needed
reinforcements, because he presented McEnroe as well. 8
Line: "I watched him in
those American Pie movies!"
(Cryogenix): What the2
Line: If it's good enough for Ted Williams, then it's good enough
(Radio show): Jimmy is a radio
crewby himself! Oy. 5
Line: "Andrea trying is
getting some of that Rod-dick"
"He's not even a real person!" "Why, cause he's
(Tennis hall of fame): It could
have been ridiculous, but somehow it wasn't. The sight gags were
funny, and the Clay Aiken line got a laugh out of me. 7.5
Lines: "No dice, Clay Aiken"
"A 60 year old Indigo Girl with a racket."
(Mary Poppins): Much more fun
when they did Shari Bobbins on Simpsons. And with that wig, Andy
looks like the future Aaron Carter. 7
"Who are you talking to, Golden Girl?"
"I look like a dick!"
"I just finished Grand Theft Auto. Wanna watch me run down
(Play by play) Is this going
to be the running all night? Not bad, but I'm fearful. 6
Lines:" I never had sex with Beyonce Knowles. But if I had
the chance, I wouldn't choke up like this kid."
"Or start like Adrien Brody blabbing in some Jamaican accent."
(Hall and Oates) Tonight's surreal
(Mr Williams) Getting more bizarre by the second. 2
Weekend update: The return of
Tim Calhoun! The.Horatio and Jimmy. Gee, you took the fun right
out of that one! 7
"Let's see1, 2, 31 times."
"There are times I am not gay at all. But others times I'm
so gay, I've more than makes up for it"
"We can call them Shetland midgets."
(73% of women don't like their vaginas) "And from what I've
seen, they should be."
(28% of women haven't looked at their vaginas in over a year)"And
that's because Colin Farrell's head is always in the way."
(Animals that carry SARS) "Tonight's orgy at Richard Gere's
house has been canceled."
(Scott Joplin): Running on empty
and there's still 27 minutes left! 4
This is worse than when my guests
were closeted Martina Navratilova, gay Martina Navratilova and
Mr. Martina Navratilova.
(Merv the Perv) We have entered
the Matrix. How else to explain? 3
"Why don't you leave this
office and leave us alone?";
"Why don't I get into your orifice and give you a bone?"
Jock Talk: Ow. OW. OW!!!! 1
Actionoh what's the point?
Final score: 5.03
Well, it certainly merits it.
Halle Berry all is forgiven. I can't blame Roddick for it because
sports stars are jinxed when doing this show. Doesn't help when
the writing is this awful.
Next week, a Hall of Famer comes
back. From the 90s era, one of the greatest, Alec Baldwin is
on to do his thing. But if he can't save the show, nothing can.
Till next week my homeys!
Fast forward to the present.
Alec Baldwin: Part of the 90s
triumvarite that includes Walken and Goodman. Meaning, no matter
how bad the writing, he can't miss. With the writing so far,
let's hope he pulls off the Hail Mary.
Missed the opening sketch, so
we'll lead right into the
Monologue: ELEVENTH time hosting?!
Damn! Oh look, Tweedleduh and Tweedledumbass are together again.
Thankfully, Mr Cat In the Hat makes a cameo. Which reminds me,
when was the last time Baldwin was on to promote something? Because
Mike is on, I'll give it an 8. But it could have been a lot worse.
Line: "You've got big hairy bollocks!"
Until there is Abercrombie and
Fitch for tots, this is the next best thing: (Huggies Thongs)
Stupid them, stupid now. N/A
Nice work if you can get it (Plastic
Surgery): Amy needs a bob job? Nuh-uh! Nice sight gags. 7
Line: "And society wants you to do something to balance
out that gigantic butt of yours."
Battle of wits (Dave Zinger):
Stop. It. NOW! However, Alec starting that fake fire was a hoot.
Line: "'You shouldn't touch this'? Isn't that was it says
on the picture of your crotch at the free clinic?"
(Tony Bennett): Alec scares me.
He really does. 10.
Lines: "He made me laugh so hard, he almost made me whiz
in my Dockers"
"Change that one word to kitty cat and that other word into
"That's why it's a shame when the monthlies keep them from
wearing cream colored suits."
"I once made love to Angie Dickenson for seven hours. Then
they told me 'Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum is closing.'"
SQUAWK! (The Falconer): It's
been a while. I must the only one that likes this one. And come
on, a falcon doing cocaine lines is hilarious. 8
Lines: "I'm up for anything
(squawk!) Anything but Celine Dion."
Weekend Update: Will and Fred
sexcapade. That says it all. Though the Christian/Jack phone
call wasn't bad either. 8.5
(Al Gore gives a speech):"Then as always, the cashier nodded
and gave him his Big Mac"
(Wynonna busted for DUI): "And a gravy mark of 3.40"
(Kevin Costner to receives film festival award for contribution
to film): "This gives Costner two months to make a contribution
(Joan Rivers comparing plastic surgery to car maintenance)"Even
for a car, she looks AWFUL."
(Christina Aguilera cancelled concerts due to acute bronchitis):
"It used to be acute, now it's looked like askanky"
(Demi Moore turned 41) "But she feels like a 25 year old
Thanks for the PETA moment Alec.
I'll remember that I wanted to be lectured to death.
(Prince Charles): In the UK,
they cannot officially say what happened, but if you word it
carefully, they can clear up the rumor. Ergo, great sketch. So
much I had to rewind just to get them all. 9
Lines? We got lines!
"Did the prince perhaps pitch a tent in the isle of man?"
"So upon arriving, would he be more inclined to put roses
on the piano or tulips on his organ?"
"I wonder if he wouldn't enjoy his crack filled up in caulk?"
"If his majesty had elected to become a civil servant, would
one be right in thinking that his occupation of choice would
have been manhole inspector?" "Often his majesty speaks
of nothing else."
"He's been known to give until it hurts."
"If you were to arrive at the prince's back door with a
sizable package, you would be received warmly."
"Could we say that the prince was reamed by a queen?"
"And that his favorite meal is a sack lunch?"
"And that his favorite bird is a swallow?"
"And what of the rumor that the prince can't drive over
68 km an hour?...Because at 69, he blows a rod."
(Embassy Suites): It was alright.
Nothing great though. 5
Here Tiger! (The return of Royand
againand again) As funny as this was, the man is still in the
hospital. So this is pretty bad taste. 6
(Screenplay): Rachel. WOW. Shocking.
"I was making movies when the only place you could have
dinner reservations was on your mother's teat."
Final score: 7.35
Not Baldwin's best show, but
it's not his fault. Overall, one of the better shows this year,
which isn't saying much. But it's a start.
On December 6th, Rev Al Sharpton
with Pink. You know, Tracy Morgan's new show debuts that same
week. Hmmm.could happen.