Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot
November 15, 2003

By JAB66

Hey, kids. Enjoy the site, so I thought I'd throw my hat into the ring. I believe I'm a bit older than most of the contributors (37), so I thought I might be able to bring a slightly different perspective. Saw the first SNL, and I've seen almost every one since, even the bizarre late '70s trying-to-be-avant-garde-but-really-sucking-a-lot ones. I'm a fan.

No manifesto, but a few things I would like to address:

Jimmy Fallon: You're the best-looking guy on SNL; that's like having the best bench press on the golf team. Stop mugging and make with the funny already.

Horatio Sanz: As was famously quoted in Animal House, "Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son." Seriously, partner, this isn't the Carol Burnett Show. Stop cracking up, try to read the cue cards, lay off the Jack Daniels, stay in character for 20 seconds and stop sucking. And stay the f away from Jimmy.

Maya Rudolph: Jesus, what is up with all the Maya bashing? Her Versace impression is fantastic, and I've been very impressed with the rest of her work. She rocks. If her skits don't grab you, fine, but hate the game, not the player, aight?

Tracy Morgan: What took so long? So unfunny he created a funny vacuum that sucked the talent out of the rest of the cast. His dismal sitcom will run six weeks and then we'll all be free, free at last, praise God almighty we'll be free at last!

Music: Just stop. End it now. I can't take anymore. "Sponsored by Budweiser" was bad enough, but throwing away almost 30 years of tradition by allowing that no-talent hick Brittany Spears to blatantly, badly lip-sync was the m-fing last straw, unforgivable. Just show some videos. Dead air would be okay, too; that's basically all there is now, anyway.

Okay, the show.

Cold Opener: Are those crickets I hear? I mean, the whole war in Iraq is such a joke already, how could this not be funny? Oh, here's how. Miserable impression, miserable writing; oh, the horror. (I didn't like it that much.)

(1/5)

Monologue: You must be kidding. Fallon and Sanz must never appear on stage together again. Ever. For any reason. The stagehand is Scottish why? Oh, that's right, because he's not Wayne, Dr. Evil or Austin Powers. And for the love of GOD, can they stop plugging that obviously wretched movie? It's already been cross-promoted with every product on planet earth, what's next? "My flow can be heavy/my flow can be light/that's why I need/ the tampon that's right!"

(1/5)

Baby Thong (commercial): I liked it-the first time. (No score) Ditto for Gaystrogen. (Ditto.)

Plastic Surgeon: He. Despite the love affair with Amy on this site (odd how the hotter they are, they funnier they are), I can take or leave her. I'll leave her this time. To be fair, it's not her fault; the skit was a one-trick pony-guys like big boobs. Yep. If I were 13, I probably would have loved it.

(2/5)

Burn vs. Zing: This was essentially a reworking of the old "Simma Down!" skit. The difference was that this time, it was actually funny. Not much to it, but Alex and Seth were gold, baby, gold! You had to love it.

(4/5)

The Tony Bennett Show: Sweet sassy molassy, this was one funny sketch! Oh, man, where to start. Alex's impression was dead on, the one liners were hilarious (will ANYONE ever forget the pantsuit line?) Fred and (gasp!) Horatio were great. Best skit I've seen this year.

(5/5)

The Falconer: Wow, three in a row! I love this skit; the premise is so great it's hard to screw it up, and this was one of the best. I'll just take a hair off because it's a recurring sketch. The falcon doing lines-now THAT'S comedy!

(4.5/5)

"Music": Zzzzzzzz zzzzz wha? Oh, my, a bunch of guys in milkman suits Irish stepdancing as two people scream "Dutch!" into a microphone. Genius. "Pass that dutch? Now THAT'S funny. I guess that's lifted from Musical Youth's "Pass the Dutchie," which was a cover of The Mighty Diamond's more adult "Pass the Kouchie." A kouchie is an herb pipe; a dutchie is a cooking pot. Pass the Rice-a-Roni, Missy? Don't mind if I do. (

(No score)

Weekend Update: Wow, top-notch! Sharp, relevant, biting-good stuff. Jimmy and Tina were on fire, and Will and Ted's bit was pretty darn hilarious, loved the fiddle music in the background. Couldn't have been much better. Unless Tina went nuts and shaved that marmot off of Jimmy's head. Best of the season so far. Oh, snap! I did that!

(5/5)

Prince Charles' Press Conference: Okay, okay, I get it! I love double entendre as much as the next guy, but I thought this went on a bit too long.

(3/5)

Business Meeting: I've you've ever been to one, you know how close to the bone this cuts, loved the business banter. That said, the skit was pretty predictable once you got the premise. Yawn.

(2/5)

"Music": Zzzzzzz snore huh? Oh, are they back? Wow, they changed outfits. The talent boggles the mind.

(No score)

Seigfried and Roy: Funny, in gross sort of way. Now if only this would really happen. That would be sweet.

(3/5)

Shinewald Studios: He. It was funny? Didn't do much for me, I was getting tired anyway.

(2/5)

Total: 32.5/55. Not great, but somewhat misleading in that there were some KILLER skits mixed in with the crap.