Jennifer Aniston / Black Eyed Peas
January 10, 2004

By Bob Barron

Tribute:

It took the guy three seasons to get an assist. And now he's dead. RIP Yinka Dare. You sucked.

Sports Report-

Leafs: They've slowed down a bit from their magical winning streak which is to be expected- you can't win them all. The injury bug has hit them badly so all they need to try and stay afloat- especially with a surging Ottawa. Congrats goes out to Pat Quinn for getting to coach the All Star team.

The 2003 Stanley Cup Champion New Jersey Devils: Somehow they've lost to the Islanders, the Lightning and Pittsburgh yet can shut out the Leafs with ease. They remind me of the Saints accept for the fact that they actually win. Hopefully tonight's shutout marks a turnaround for Brodeuer.

Vancouver Canucks: They've played well over the past month while still retaining their lead over Colorado. The usual suspects are doing well and Cloutier is having a very good year. They need to win the division title so Colorado doesn't have a chance of breaking the Braves' record of most division titles in a row. That'd be bad.

New Jersey Nets: They've been unbeatable (well except for the last game- where they got beat) and have taken their usual commanding lead over the Atlantic Division. Picking up Eddie Griffin is a risky move- the guy obviously has talent but seems to always cause trouble wherever he goes. It does warm my heart to know that the Nets completely owned the trade where they sent Griffin to the Rockets in exchange for Jefferson, Collins and Scalabrine. I hope the move pays off but right now it looks everything is working out for NJ.

Mailbag!!!!!!!!!!-

Shelby Hatten writes-

listen dude chris kattan is NOT gay im tired of u people calling him something he's not. u know, it'd be cool if u said u just didnt like chris, but GOD! Grow up!

Just because I referenced Perfect Strangers in my review of the Wood monologue does mean I made a Chris Kattan gay joke. THEY WERE COUSINS. The one time I restrain myself from making a gay joke- I get yelled at.

XPac1981 writes-

....heard about the announcment Bush made about NASA going back to the Moon and something with going to Mars...wrote this crappy thing up.....Let's see which cold opener is better, the one they use this Sat. Nite or this shitwad.....

ehh...nm, Downey's will be better....

-=Ryan

----------------------------------------------

RYAN DIBIASE

COLD OPENER
INT. OVAL OFFICE
"BUSH TALKING TO NATION"

BUSH:
Hello America. I⤙m sure many of you have already heard the news that I have authorized NASA and our American Space Experts to journey back to the planet Mars and the Moon. I realize the enormity of this situation and I feel that we are indeed ready to handle this most exciting adventure upâ¤_wards.

Many of you may ask meâ¤_â¤_"Well hell, what are we gonna do up there when we get there?" Well, that is precisely the reason why I ask of your time tonight. America, I am proud to announce the newest program of the George Dubbya regimeâ¤_.
"No Alien Left Behind".   

You--You⤙ve heard of my plan for schools, No child left behind? Sure you have. Well, with this new "No alien left behind" we will journey up to Mars and the Moon with a goal. And I do mean "we" when I say WEâ¤_â¤_â¤_â¤_.cause damnit I⤙m comin too. Yeeaaaaww!! Damn skippy, hippie.

Like I said a second ago, we are setting off to the skies with a goal of prosperity. A goal of global...ness.

(Bush reaches down under his desk and pulls out a hunting rifle)

    BUSH:
A goal of killin⤙ as many of those little son of bitches we can find. Heck, what did you think "No alien left behind" meant? We⤙re gonna catch emâ¤_Hunt em downâ¤_â¤_and stack em, ten high, on the back of my new Ford Pickup truck, which I will bring with meâ¤_and drive aroundâ¤_.â¤_on Mars. 
(Bush gives cocky smile and swagger)

I figure maybe I⤙ll stuff and mount at least 5 or 6 of em in the Lincoln bedroomâ¤_...nice little conversation piece you know? Now, you may be thinkingâ¤_is that all we⤙re gonna do up there on Mars and the Moon? Well, as far as Mars goes, yeah, that⤙s all we⤙ll doâ¤_hunt those little bastards down and stack em, 10 high on the back of my new Ford pickup truck..which I will be drivingâ¤_on Mars.

But as far as the moon goes, hell, we got a real good plan. We⤙re bringin⤙ Saddam! 

That⤙s right, we⤙re gonna bring him along for the ride. Actually, I was thinking we could toss him in the back of my pickup truck, and during the drive up there, maybe just make sure we handcuff him to the rear window or something. Now, once we get up thereâ¤_.what, you ask, will we do? Hell, what else? We⤙re gonna strap that bastard down to a moon crater and leave em there for dead! 

(Bush laughs)
              BUSH:
And how will we hold him down, on the moon? Two words: Duck Tape.

Man, What else, What elseâ¤_(long pause) I knew I had something else to say but damnit if I can⤙t remember what the---Ohh Ohh Ohhâ¤_.right..

(reaches under desk, pulls out a guitar)

In honor of the last time we walked on the moonâ¤_which wasâ¤_as you all knowâ¤_.when the movie Man on the Moon was released in the year 2000.â¤_. I would like to commemorate that occasion by singingâ¤_.four years laterâ¤_to the year.â¤_â¤_the song made famous by REMâ¤_..Man..on the Moonâ¤_

(Bush starts strumming, then sings)

"If you believeâ¤_â¤_..we put a man on the moon..maaannn on the--------HOLY CHAW SPIT, AN ALIEN ALREADY!!!!"

(Bush drops the guitar and picks up the gun, fires the gun, then smiles)

Got em! Heh Hehâ¤_yeahâ¤_..

(Jimmy Fallon, as a no-name presidential assistant, runs onto the shot screaming)

            FALLON:
Mr. President, Mr. President, you shot Condolleza Rice! Do you know what you⤙ve done?? Oh my g---

            BUSH:
(Confussed) I⤙ll be damned she sure looked like one of them aliens to meâ¤_those eyes threw me off..way offâ¤_..wellâ¤_damn..nowâ¤_now I feel badâ¤_.isâ¤_is she gonna be okay?

                                                      

            FALLON:
I..I think so,â¤_.you , you just grazed herâ¤_it wasn⤙t your faultâ¤_youâ¤_.you thought she was an alienâ¤_I--I guessâ¤_lets get some helpâ¤_.
(Fallon panicking, attending to Rice for the rest of the scene, audible in background)

                                                                            BUSH:
Wellâ¤_I--I am truly sorry Americaâ¤_as these are trying times andâ¤_andâ¤_..hell screw it, Terror alert is raised to likeâ¤_...Burnt Sienna or somethingâ¤_

..at least until I⤙m convinced what I just shot wasn⤙t an alienâ¤_. Because if it is Condolleza,â¤_I⤙m..I⤙m sorryâ¤_really..but if it ain⤙tâ¤_â¤_.if it ain⤙tâ¤_..Im⤙a stack it and all like it 10 high on the back of my new Ford Pickup Truck..which I will drivingâ¤_â¤_â¤_â¤_â¤_.â¤_.on Mars.

So with that America, as I embark on this impressive journey into the outer limits, take care, God bless, andâ¤_.

(lights go downâ¤_.UFO sound is heard.)
(Three aliens played by Richards, Dratch and Sanz crash through the windowâ¤_Bush ducks downâ¤_â¤_.)

                         ALIENS:
LIVEâ¤_.FROMâ¤_â¤_..NEWâ¤_â¤_â¤_YORKâ¤_..IT â¤_â¤_IS â¤_â¤_..SATURDAYâ¤_â¤_â¤_â¤_â¤_NIGHT.

 

The sad thing is- no matter how funny a Bush skit will be- we have to deal with Darrell doing the impression so it probably won't be that funny in execution.

Wanna be in the mailbag???? Email me at philhartmanrip@yahoo.com

 

Cold Opening
Cast- Darrell Hammond, Jimmy Fallon
Thoughts- It was refreshing to see Darrell doing a good impression for once. It kinda sucks that he was so awesome last season and now has pissed away all my goodwill towards him thanks to his one-two combination of Bush and Schwarzenegger. He was funny here as Donald Trump even though it did get draggy in the middle. It's weird that they keep having Jimmy do Jeff Zucker even though I don't think a lot of people know who he is. It still is a very funny impression. This was good and better then some of the cold openings we saw in 2003. ***

Monologue
Cast- Jennifer Aniston, Maya Rudolph, Seth Meyers, Fallon, Amy Poehler, Horatio Sanz
Thoughts- They don't keep the studio that cold during the monologue but I can't say I'm complaining. Even though she's quite the bitch- Jennifer did look really hot in the monologue- almost as hot as Mo from Guts. Having Horatio play Joey was quite the odd choice but it made me laugh. Seth did a pretty good Chandler and Jimmy did an alright Ross. No one else stood out. The Friends parody as a whole was pretty good but could've been better. Jennifer's goof at the end was also good for a laugh. A cold studio, an alright Friends parody and a funny goof all= ***1/4

Paparazzi
Cast- Aniston, Poehler, Fallon
Thoughts- Don't really see what the point of this was accept to tease us with potential cameos. And what photographer would really be interested in a shot of Kirstie Alley? It reminds me of the time Celebrities Uncensored kept showing paparazzi clips of Alley playing on the beach for no reason at all. Some of the lines here were okay and it was good seeing Aniston being able to laugh at herself. Most of the lines by Amy seemed to fall flat (Mini-Me jokes?) and I couldn't get into the Steven Seagal thing. Better writing would've made this a lot better. *1/2

Gaystrogen
Cast- Chris Parnell, Fred Armisen
Thoughts- While it was no Homicil- this was pretty funny. Fred does look kind of gay (sorry Fred- but it's true) so he played a very good gay man. Solid funny stuff here. ***

Britney and George Costanza
Cast- Aniston, Fallon, Rachel Dratch
Thoughts- I felt bad for SNL. Saddam gets captured 4 hours after Saturday Night Live goes on its holiday break. Britney gets married a week before SNL comes back from its holiday break so by the time this show aired- both news stories would've been old news.

Did that stop SNL from making fun of them? Well no.

Why does Jimmy get to make out with every hot female host? He's one smart guy. Jennifer did an okay Britney Spears (I preferred Reese Witherspoon's that was cut from dress) but this also suffered from poor writing and the wedding especially (Because he burped???) came off as flat. If they were going to try something with Britney they really should've tried harder since everyone has milked it for all its worth. Had its moments but there weren't enough of them. **

Senator John Kerry
Cast- Meyers, Parnell, Poehler, Hammond, Will Forte, Fallon, Kenan Thompson
Thoughts- Given that he was on Weekend Update, I wonder if Al Franken wrote this skit. And if he did- hats off to Al because this was easily the best skit of the night. Seth's John Kerry was quite good even though he should've mentioned serving in Vietnam. Amy's Dennis Kuchinich was quite creepy- but funny. I feel bad for John Edwards. He sounds like this nice downhome southern gentleman- but on Saturday Night Live he gets made to look like a psycho thanks to Will Forte. Is Carol Mosely Braun doing THAT badly that they couldn't give Finesse a wig and send him out there? I understand that Kenan does her as well but why do they have to make poor Ms. Braun feel left out? SNL usually brings the funny in its political humour and this was no exception. I just hope a win by Bush doesn't mean four more years of Darrell. ***3/4

Black Eyed Peas
Thoughts- I liked the first time I heard this song- when it was called "What's Going On". I've never had black eyed peas before so I'm not sure if they're any good or not. I'm not a big fan of regular peas though. I had never heard of the Black Eyed Peas before this (although I had heard this song on the radio) and I'd have to say I was impressed. The song was a bit preachy at times but it was fun to listen to and they did a fine job of performing it. ***1/4

Weekend Update
Cast- Al Franken, Fey, Fallon, Jeff Richards, Hammond, Finesse Mitchell, Armisen
Thoughts- This was a subpar edition of Weekend Update. I liked it and all but it just wasn't as good as the usual Fallon/Fey outing. Jeff's Steve Irwin impression was not good as he didn't seem to have the accent down. Finesse's OJ was awful and made me long for the great Tim Meadows. To show you my geekdom- As Finesse was doing his thing I went to my 2004 ESPN Sports Almanac to shake and see if OJ was in the Hall of Fame. Lo and behold he was inducted into the hall in 1985. Fred was funny as Phil Spector- Darrell's Robert Blake didn't work so well. Al Franken's bit was eh. It started out fine but then went downhill when he did the bit with the second soldier. Tina seemed a bit off her game as well but they still delivered some real good jokes. Update was good but it could've and should've been better. ***

Osama and Saddam
Cast- Fallon, Sanz, Armisen
Thoughts- I know Jimmy and Horatio did a skit similar to this last year although I don't really anything about it except for the fact that it wasn't good. This skit dragged on way too long and while they did exchange a few funny lines-as a whole this was not that good. They cracked up but you all know my feelings on that so I won't bring it up. Not many funny lines and an overlong running time drag this skit down to- *

Country Roses
Cast- Aniston, Poehler, Dratch, Rudolph
Thoughts- Mocking country music compilations- gotta say that's pretty out there in terms of something to parody. Jennifer was kinda funny but again she had nothing to work with and thus a bad skit resulted. *

Coco and Matsui
Cast- Aniston, Rudolph, Armisen
Thoughts- I was all set to chalk this up to the Maya Rudolph 12:30 rule because the skit was dreadful. But then something magical happened and Jennifer Aniston completely took over this skit and was rocking the body that rocked the party. It's a shame they spent so much time on the Coco and Matsui stuff and not enough on the Jennifer interviews Jennifer stuff since adhered to a special SNL rule, and the other was funny. I wish I could give this a higher rating but the beginning was so awful that I cant give it more then- **

Black Eyed Peas
Thoughts- Good to see someone FINALLY takes my advice and makes their second song loud, energetic, fun to listen to, and devoid of stools. These guys turned out to be a very good group of people and I enjoyed hearing their music. They're certainly better then G-Unit. Hopefully these guys come back to SNL cause I would like to hear more of them. ***1/2

Appalachian ER
Cast- Meyers, Parnell, Poehler, Hammond, Fallon
Thoughts- Is it wrong that I laugh at hick mocking humour? I know it is but at 12:45 am it doesn't take much to be amused. Some of the Southern accents could've used some work and it wasn't exactly the pantheon of intellectual humour but it's 15 to 1 so I wasn't expecting much and got a nice little skit in return. **3/4

Raw Talk
Cast- Aniston, Forte, Parnell, Armisen, Thompson
Thoughts- This skit was total wasted potential. When I saw Will Forte I thought this skit could've been a great way to close out the show. Will Forte having phone sex with prudish Jennifer Aniston? Hey- could work. Instead they just went the lame route- not even Kenan could save this one. Will Forte's ability to play oddball characters and prudish phone sex just seem like they would gel so well. But alas SNL missed the boat and that kinda sucks. *1/4

 

Bottom Line- Avg. skit was **.4 making this a thumbs in the middle show. I was pretty disappointed since Jennifer Aniston has great comedic talent and the last time she hosted was very funny. She did a good job here (and showed her nipples) but the writing for many of the skits was very weak and there was only so much she could do to save dying skits. The political humour was strong and I hope they continue to focus on it. It seems they do (and did tonight) an awful lot of skits that just scream DOA the minute they hit the screen- they need to stop doing skits like that. The Black Eyed Peas were quite but even they couldn't get the show up to **.5. The subpar Weekend Update also hurt the show. I'm not looking forward to next week but hopefully Jessica Simpson will have fun with her material, and hopefully the writers will have fun writing for her.

Thumbs in the Middle