Aguilera / Maroon 5
February 21, 2004
Episode XIII: Christina Aguilera
and Maroon 5
<B> Opening Words </B>
i read that the megan mullally/clay
aiken episode got its highest rating in a year, a 4.0 (7.8 million
people watching. . . Now i don't know about you all, but i don't
see that as a good sign at all. Sure you can say that it pulls
in more people than Conan (or kilborn and kimmel combined) but
it used to be more.
i remember when the xfl was on and J-lo was hosting and the show
got delayed, lorne was annoyed because he said the show could've
done an 8 easily. Now it could just be me, but a host does not
bring in twice the guests to a show, and if the marquis show
3 years ago brings in twice as many people as highest rating
show this year, that cannot be a good sign. Some numbers John
McCain and the White Strips got a 6.5 rating in 2002
The Mena Suvari episode got a 6.0/21 share with 11 million people
watching. More? the Sarah Michelle Geller in 98 got a 6.1 Samuel
Jackson got a 5.7
i think its a safe assumption that Lorne has given himselfto
the MTV audience in a feeble attempt to get ratings. You can
say what you want about the episodes themselves, i'm not going
to get into an argument about how good/bad Omletteville was,
but what are hosts like Andy Roddick, Nick and Jessica, Lindsay
Lohan, and Justin Timberlake doing hosting the show? What are
they (besides LL) promoting? Nothing. it is a feeble attempt
to bring in a younger audience. Same goes for music one hit wonders
like Kelis. we all know that clay aiken brought in the crowd
with the mullally show, but who in their right mind would go
"well, i don't like Drew Barrymore, but i'll watch Kelis."
Not too many. It makes no sense. Another point on the ratings
whore front, why would he put Al Sharpton on the show, knowing
that big markets such as Boston and San Fran would black out
the show? Lorne being known to try to suck every penny out of
the show as he can, put himself in such a position?
Plus what can be said about his cast? In the recent Kenan and
Finesse interviews, they say that they create tier own characters
(which we all knew), and if they don't they'll get put in a dress.
So what does it say about this year's cast when there have been
only two new reoccurring characters this year -the Zinger and
Sharon Osbourne, and Spy Glass?
What does it say about their cast and their ability to write
when they can't even make characters themselves? Is this why
we get Scott Wainio and garbage sketches such as Michael Jackson
in a roller coaster?
Something isn't right here....
Thank you for listening to my rant. This rant covers my beforehand.
<B> Cold Opening </B>
Can't go wrong with Hardball,
can't go with Rosie O'Donnell, or one would think.
They discuss gay marriage rights. This goes on briefly with little
humour, then Hammond comes onas Schwarzenegger? Whaa? This can't
be good. Hammond talks to the pre-taped Hammond. Nothing much
Hammond does the Live from NY.
Actors: Hammond, Parnell, Horatio,
Best Line: Hammond: I'm sorry I can't concentrate, but you look
like gollum had a baby with a ventriloquist doll
<B> Monologue </B>
Christina, that is a very tiny
girl. Jimmy comes on and asks her when she's going to 'change
into her Christina Aguilera clothes.' Then they roll a WU clip
of Jimmy making fun of her. Jimmy claims he's a pawn in Tina
Fey's sick world. Cut to the back with Lorne talking with Tina
and the guys. Fey says that a blazer looks sexy then walks away.
The rest say that she should whore it up. Finesse goes out there,
saying he'll fix it, leaves, and then Lorne goes "who's
that guy? We Hired a guy named Finesse?"
Christina then begins to sing Beautifulwhy? If you wanted to
be host and musical guest, all you had to do was say it. Ok she
can sing. We all knew that. Why? Some people may say this is
the best part of the show, but not i. If you want to sing, be
the musical guest. I cannot honestly reward this. Again, probably
could've been an 8 or 9 but singing brings it down. Let's hope
this trend doesn't continue.
Actors: Jimmy, Finesse, Armison,
Kenan, Horatio, Fey
Best Line: Lorne: We hired a guy named Finesse?
<B> Sex and the City </B>
Oh great, just what I want to
see..i can't stand this show. I'm glad they're giving up. Go
on another two years, you got yourself the golden girls. Zing!
No, Maybe if you watch the show, you will find this funny. I
read that this could've been a legit top 10 for the year candidate
and Christina's voice was dead-on. However, this is all lost
on me, but I did take note of that. Doesn't mean I'm going to
reward it. Dratch bouncing the doll around was funny, butuh,
not the show I would watch if it were the only thing on TV. Guess
it's lost on me. I hate puns. But I won't give it a 3 like I
did Omletteville because I know the backlash that caused.
Actors: Dratch, Maya, Amy
Best Line: Christina: On the topic of big announcements, I'm
<B> Next Week </B>
Rerun. Jennifer Anniston and Black Eyed Peas. *in comic book
guy voice* Worst Episode Ever!
<B>Game Show Network </B>
Do you know who my father is?
Christina's cosmo carries over
to this sketch? Ok? All the answers involve minor fits and ends
with 'do you know who my father is?' Forte plays a spoiled kid
going to Yale. Seth a German rich kid and Christinawella whore.
Is it just me or does her face look like Plastic? I like Seth's
german accent. That carried the sketch, but it wasn't as good
the second time around, but still solid. And do all her outfits
have to be so low cut that her bra pops out? Just wonderin'
Actors: Parnell, Forte, Seth
Best Line: Forte: I can't even go to Switzerland, stupid date
<B> TV Funhouse </B>
Fun with Real Audio
Third time this year? This was
a direct slam on Pat O'Brien and his banalness. They show him
through various scenes, and all he does is his catch phrases,
even naming his kid "what was Brittany thinking O'Brien"
I read a lot of people didn't like this one, I guess they expected
something to hump something else. This wasn't funny, it was just
good. I can bet that everyone else will say that it's the worst
of the year, worst part of the show, worst Smigel bit ever, because
it was something different.
Best Line: ---
<B> History Channel </b>
Celebration of Women Week
Christina breaks out a southern
accent for this one. She plays a wife from the south in the 1880's.
She's all rebellious because she smokes cigars without telling
him, and other 'naughty' things. She convinces the prudish northerners
to lighten up. Hammond as Phil Donahue really had no point. I
guess its just the show trying to get Hammond to do his good
impressions because Arnold was bad and we all can't forget Bush.
Points to Rachael's reactions.
Actors: Hammond, Maya, Dratch,
Amy, Parnell, Finesse
Best Line: my husband makes me wear a leather bag over my head
when he is present.
<B> Performance </B>
I saw them many many years ago
when they were known as Kara's Flowers. Didn't like them then,
don't like them now. It's not my type of music. Not in the least.
<B> Weekend Update </B>
Jimmy starts with a Dean/Kusinich
joke "Kusinich dropped out so he can appear on the next
episode of the Littlest Groom" Flop. Then a Sex in the City
T-shirt joke, "womeon who purchase all four, I'm a moron"
good, but flat.
Tina, walking joke/Bush jogging joke, it wasn't good at all,
but the crowd likes anti-bush jokesThen a Nader possibly entering
the racae, talks to the camera at the end.
Jimmy does a Barbie joke "they wanted to make Barbie's boyfriend
non-white, but sadly, it was nixed by KKKKen"
Tina does Ireland smoking banwhy? That makes no sense "the
plan will go smoothly because of the Irish are known for their
easy going temper and respect for authority. Joke logical yes.
Polaroid/Outkast and Bicardi/50 joke. "Bicardi warns shorties
to be responsible and sip bacardi like it's they birthdayOk
Jimmy does an Arod Joke. "In the end, they offered something
the Red Sox could not, a boyfriend (picture of arod and jeter)
People loved it. I'm surprised the NY crowd didn't boo it. Then
Vietnamese farmer who built helicopter. "he then fulfilled
his other dream of dying in a fiery helicopter crash) Good.
Enter Will for Black History Month. "Kenan overslept"
"Finesse is entertaining a lady in his dressing room"
and Maya "it's not half black history month" Will points
out the two black guys in the audience and wishes them a happy
Black History month. What does Will know about Black History
month? Michael Jordan. What else? Rap. P-Diddy, Eminem, Luther
Vandross. Will calls Tina Dawg, then boo then Tinazizzle Filzzle
fay. MLK Yeah! Slavery Boo! End of Slavery YEAH! Michael Jordan
Yes! Eminem Double Yes! GO Blacks! Will is a genius.
Jimmy does Georgia keeping evolutions. "dinosaurs are now
called jesus horses" great.
Tina is taken back by that. Tina does a middle school bathroom
break..kids are whores, ok. Then Peta nude protest. 'with 500
women, there'll be lots of fur'
Actors: Fallon, Fey, Forte
Best Line: Jimmy: In the end, they offered something the Red
Sox could not, a boyfriend
Jimmy: dinosaurs are now called jesus horses
Forte: Slavery Boo!
<B> You got Served </B>
Venice Beach, ca
Dance off time. Kenan, Maya,
Parnell, and Horatio vs. Seth, Finesse, and Christina.
Seth starts with a little jumping wave, a robot, and thinking
Kenan does a little baseball action.
Finessse does a little fake heartbeat, shake that ass, and slow
Maya eats breakfast, brushes teeth, does makeup drives to work,
then leans back.
Christina booty shakin, crotch chop and smack the ass.
Horatio and Parnell doe the foourstep. Horatio slaps parnell,
parnell dips H.
Forte as topless guy with guitar. Forte sings in high pitched
voice. Disturbingly funny.
This sketch.maybe if I were 13 and actually saw You Got Served,
this would be funnybut I didn't think it was at all. A point
for will. This was not that good at all, but will saved it. Point
for that. nothing much here though.
Actors: Kenan, Maya, Parnell,
Finesse, Seth, Horatio, Forte
Best Line: Seth: They call me hampster because I'm gonna be all
up in ya ass
<B> Baskstage at Christina's
Fred plays her gay manager. Kenan
as star jones and Finesse is her fiancé. Is it me, or
does Christina's face look Plastic? They say she can whore herself
out as many times as she wants because she can sing. Worst Star
Jones impersonation ever. Maya plays Patti LaBellereiterates
the same things. Boy is she annoying. Christina says she's "expressing
her sexuality" Amy and Horatio as Ozzy and Sharon. Seth
and Amy say same thing. Dratch, as Kelly, apologizes. Christina
gives a deep speech about double standards. Horatio then crashes
through a table Farely style. "You made Ozzy Think"
when in doubt.
Yeah she's right and all.but this country was found by Puritans.
History sides with them. As for the sketch, it was ok. Eh.
Actors: Armison, Kenan, Finesse,
Maya, Amy, Horatio, Dratch
Best Line: Amy: You made Ozzy think
<B> Telemundo Telenovela</B>
Typical telemundo teledramas.
If you've ever seen oneor a minute of one. Exactly the same.
Ever see one? This was dead on. Simple enough. I can't reward
humour in this, I can't reward the good acting, but I can reward
the dead-on-ness, of it
Actors: Armison, Horatio, Maya,
Myers, Dratch, Parnell
Best Line: ---
<B> Commercial </B>
ENOUGH! Under my new ratings
system, commercials (anything under a minute) will not be counted.
Thank god, because this is bordering on 0 territory. This still
counts for appearances in sketches though.
Actors: Maya, Dratch
<B>Fire Sandy </B>
Parnell has to fire SandyakaForte,
the defiant employee, who called out 18 days of the months because
of things ranging from "hysterical blindness to the elephant's
man disease" Forte's sandy seems a lot like the spoiled
kid in the game show sketch. He then says he'll call his uncle,
first claiming racism, than sexism, then sexual harassment. Then
steals his sandwich 'with a butload of mustard on it' and jumps
through the first story window. It was ok. I like will, but it
was basically the same character as the game show.
Actors: Amy, Parnell, Forte
Best Line: Forte: I got what you want and it drives you crazy
knowing you'll never get it!
<B> Performance </B>
They play the other songthat
sounds just like the first one.
<B> Drugstore </b>
Parnell needs Penile support
sleeves, the guy at the counter figures out what it is and identifies
that Parnell needs it.
Call back to the stock girl, they say that he needs Penile support
Call to Kenan over the PA about Pemile support sleeves. Get the
He gets annoyed, buys it, and leaves.
and the employees talk about it, over the loud speaker.
Dratch gets Replens, Vaginal Moisturizer
Actors: Horatio, Fred, Parnell,
Kenan, Dratch, Maya
12.55, commercial break, and
that looks like its over. Goodnight.
<B> Overall </B>
It wasn't that bad. I didn't really expect anything, which is
why I wasn't disappointed. However, Will Forte was in it and
made sketches that would've been 3's into 5's. Not that I'm biased
or anything. Christina, who looked plastic, was surprisingly
a decent actress. Granted the stuff written wasn't that great,
but some acting saved it.
<B> Overall Rating 70/120
Felt like: 5.5
Best Actor: Will
Worst Actor: no one really
Best Line: tie:
Jimmy: In the end, they offered something the Red Sox could not,
Jimmy: dinosaurs are now called Jesus horses
Appearance in sketches (this
Jeff Richards 0/22 No Longer a troupe member