Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.
March 13, 2004

By PSi

Episode XV: Ben Affleck and N*E*R*D

<B> Opening Words </B>
With the addition of Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen hosting the season finale, this has become the MTV TRL SNL Tour 2k4. Justin Timberlake, Nick and Jessica, Christina, Linday Lohan, Janet Jackson. I don't really care whether or not they were a) funny or b) popular amongst critics, but this is a serious detraction from the show's core. They used to have up-and-coming actors with a focus on political sketches. They've had three different cast members playing George Bush, and the best they can do is Tina Fey's lame jokes (whom I can't stand). Lorne has sold himself this year for the younger audience. Not a wise move.

<B> Cold Opening </B> Denise and Sully

I knew they'd break it out, but I didn't think during the opening. Kind of an odd cold opening. Affleck also appears in the cold opening. I think he's the first to be in that. Turns out they're at Affleck and Seth Myers wedding. The reaction of the two kids. It was a funny twist for this otherwise drab sketch. Myers and Affleck actually kiss, which also comes as a shock. The 2nd kiss Myers gets a hand up.
Dratch, Fallon, and Affleck get the live from SNL.
This was a long, strange opening to the show.

Actors: Fallon, Dratch, Poehler, Myers, Parnell, Horatio
Best Line: Fallon I've been beggin for the love that Donnie and smitty have, and you never let me do it, not even once.
Rating: 6

<B> Monologue </B>

Ben comes out promoting Jersey Girl. He then gives obscure facts like he was born in Cali or dated J Lo. He then takes up arms with the name Bennifer, then says he's going to sell Bennifer, Benyonce, Boprah, mary-kate and ashfleck, and ben-gay (marsha-gay hardman or if matt finally comes around) shirts.
This wasshortcan't complain. This is what a monologue is supposed to be. I can reward that with some points.
Actors: --
Best Line: Boprah shirt.
Rating: 8

<B> Z105 </B>

Jimmy gets the nod for back to back sketches early on. Usually it's just one sketch, then WU, then done. This is the third time we've seen it this year, last two were Roddick and Nick and Jessica, and those shows were both horrible. He sounds like Pat O'Brien. Affleck plays Dirty Dan the Garbage man, a new DJ, who does the same shtick as Jimmy. This got unfunny really fast with Jimmy using the term "poop weiner." I don't even need to go on. It started off kind of funny, but then degraded to poop jokes. Had it ended at 4.00 with the Different villages line, it'd be an easy 7, but poop jokes can not be rewarded

Actors: Fallon
Best Line: Ben: Dude, sanji and rashnij are from different villages.
Rating: 4

<B> Next Week </B> Donald Trump
and the musical guest is? Maybe he's doing double duty.

<B> Gigli</B>
Ben's shooting Gigli, and there are realslow people who are playing extras. Fred, as Frondi, says why the movie is bad- "it has logic problems" This continues until Ben yells at him and is reprimanded for it. This was very funny, and made by Armison's reactions. Ben was chuckling most the time.

Actors: Parnell, Armison, Poehler
Best Line: Armison: I don't think this movie's going to workits got logic problems.
Length: 4.45
Rating: 8

<B> TV Funhouse </B>

The Passionis Humpty Dumpty. Clips of Mel's interview on the Passion of the Dumpty. Then a George Bush commercial with tough times (Jackson, Arnold, gigli). Then back to Dumpty. Anotehr Bush commercial, this time with old time shows. Then more interview. That sucked. Some people seemed to love it. Not me in the least. Standard 3 here.

Best Line:
Length: 2.30
Rating: 4

<B> Appalachian Emergency Room </b>

How the hell did this make it back on? It was horrible the first time, and they bring it back in the first half freaking hour. I don't even need to think that I need to recap it. It was better than the last one, but that's not sayin much

Actors: Myers, Poehler, Hammond, Finesse, Forte, Maya
Best Line: Forte: I put some fireworks in my Mr. Coffee
Length: 4.00
Rating: 4

<B> Bangkok Tourism commercial </b>

What happens in Bangkok, stays in Bangkok, like dead hookers.

Actors: Myers
Best Line:
Rating: B

<B> Performance 1 </b> Neptunes.

I like them, always have, back when they produced N.O.R.E.'s Superthug. Looks like Jesus is doin the drumming there. A little departure from their first album, but pretty much the same. I think I'm the only one who's a fan of theirs.

<B> Weekend Update </B>
I'll do better this time. Tina Fey sucks. She laughs at her stupid jokes and talks to Jimmy in the middle of them then has that stupid look like why don't you laugh with me? Let's take a tally.
Laugh Count: 4
Stupid look Count 1
Talking Count 3
Held composure before camera cut to Jimmy 2
I hate tina fey.

Finesse comes on a financial consultant. He talks about Bill collectors. It was funny and had a point, but a bold statement with a purple shirt and a purpler tie. Maya comes on as Diana Ross to defend herself. . . this bombed once, so they bring it back. I notice a trend. It sucked. And Maya felt up Tina*shrug* Hammond comes out as Clinton again.ugh, I think they're slowing killing it.
Hammond breaks character when talking to Tina, then again. Hammond seemsodd.
Pencil 1, low and to the left, he takes tina's pen, and badly tosses it to the right.
Clinton was Ok. Finesse was good. Maya was horrible. Jokes were ok.

Actors: Fallon, Fey, Finesse, Maya, Hammond
Best Line: Fallon: In all of new jersey, they decided to get married in assbury park?
Length: 14.30
Rating: 6

<B>Top O' the mornin' </B>

First time this has been on all year. Celebratin' St. Patrick's Day. Myers does a good ad-lib "good thing we always wear the same sweaters" in between the flashbacks. I'm surpised Seth didn't break character at all. Ben comes on as rono (Ronald) McDonald, who acts like Bono.
Another great Ad-lib "mickey's Scottish I guess," which makes Ben laugh. Fallon's gotten the laugh bug too. But I liked it.

Actors: Fallon, Myers, Kenan, Finesse, Forte, Horatio
Best Line: Fallon: ad-lib- Mickey's Scottish I guess.
Length: 5.15
Rating: 7

<B> Bangkok </B>

Ben sells his newlywed for her kidney.

Actors: Poehler
Best Line:
Length: .45
Rating: B

<B>Donnie G and Sidecar </B>

a spoof of those old cop buddy films. Fred getting hit with the mailbox was funny. That was the first time I really laughed this episode. This had potential, but fell sort of flat, but it reminded me one of those sketches from the 80's. Ah the memories.

Actors: Armison, Poehler, Maya, Fred, Horatio
Best Line: If sidecar's not in the sidecar, that's just too damn confusing.
Length: 5.00
Rating: 6

<B> Bangkok 3 </B>

Best of the 3 by far. Kelly Ripa appears as well. Whaaaa? Very funny

Actors: Horatio, Myers, Hammond
Best Line:
Length: 1.00
Rating: A

<B> Performance 2</B> Neptunes.

n.e.r.d perfromes againand again, probably many people don't like them.

<B> Full Moon Killer</B>

Serial Killer Affleck missed the full moon this year, but they're kidding. It was ok. Not bad for a 12.50 sketch

Actors: Parnell, Poehler, Forte
Best Line:3.15

No credits at all because they had to show a stupid bravo commercial. . . ugh.

<B> Overall </B>
Ben showed why he can't do Live TV, with him breaking character and all, but his willingness to make fun of himself should be rewarded. Plus it looks like he was having fun, which is more than what can be said about half the other guests. It wasn't that bad. The Thailand commercials were good, as was the top 'o the mornin'. I can't really complain.

<B> Overall Rating: 58/100 (.58) </B>
Felt like 5.5
Best Actor: I don't know if I can reward anyone because they all were in that horrible Appalachian Emergency Room bit, Jimmy wasn't, but he used the poop weiner line, and that can't be rewarded.
Worst Actor: Can't give this one out either.
Best Line: Fallon: I've been beggin for the love that Donnie and smitty have, and you never let me do it, not even once

Appearance in sketches (this week/total)

Amy 6/61
Seth 6/50
Horatio 4/53
Fallon 4/53
Maya 3/64
Parnell 3/59
Forte 3/40
Hammond 3/34
Finesse 3/31
Armison 2/42
Dratch 1/49
Kenan 1/40
Fey 1/24
Jeff Richards 0/22 No Longer a troupe member