Nia Vardalos / Eve
November 9, 2002

By Greg Haledjian & Alex Carian

Hi, just so we get something into the clear here on the review. There's 3 commentators typing, not just me, Greg. So, all the negative comments, you know who you are, are put forth by all 3 of us. So I hope you all had fun reading last weeks review and maybe we can spark shit up on the review instead of the dry old humor. Also, if I offended youwell you know where to email me to complain. Enjoy the review. Alex has a rant on a reviewer next week, so tune in next week by the way.

Spazo Tom: Dude, aren't you gonna add in the shit about the ebay and sports shit.

Greg: Nah, I think the ebay thing is cool, but the sports shit that one of the reviewers talks about is gay as fuck man.

Change of Subject:

Okay, I'd just like to say that fucking war in Iraq could do the fucking nation good. Getting out of the search for Osama and all the crap over in Bin Laden Ville. I sound like George W. Bush by saying lets go to war, but you know at least we can stop whining about 9/11 and stuff. Now, don't think I'm an asshole for telling people to stop talking about 9/11, but guess what, its been too long since we've just been sitting in our chairs and waiting for Osama, the only way to forget about everything is for war. Now, your probably thinking, why the fuck is he talking about this, but guess what, I'm totally out of material. I'm very desperate, folks, I'm about to talk about some ABC shows I'm that desperate.

Oh yeah, to kill some more time, let me get back to cursing off Courtney Love.

Fuck You Courtney Love. That has been the segment: Cursing off Courtney.

I'm totally out of material and getting into the show this early would totally suck.

Alex: Alright, I'll make a rant about something dude, just don't start the show yet.

Greg: Aright, there's like nothing else for me to talk about, I'm gonna put in Alex's segment for the Jolly Rancher thing at the end of the show. By the way, that's not my segment, its Alexs. So if you want to make comments about it, just send the message to me, and I'll relay it to him. Okay, now that I've got your attention. And I'm pretty fucking sure I have a lot of people's attention cause I think this review might reach out to my biggest audience ever.

Spazo Tom: Yeah, probably 5 people.

Greg: Yehp, 5 is my goal this week, but anyway, this review is made for Seans site. I am in no way in contact with Sean. I've been sending reviews here for the past 3 years, I've had a pretty good relationship with people on the review the past 2 years, but this year I just couldn't take it anymore with the reviews. Last weeks review I really made a point on it all. I am in favor of the long reviews, well unless they are tacky and boring as fuck. My segments and long rants on this site are not the most interesting pieces of work on the site, and I can admit that. I just wanted you, the viewer, to know where I was coming from.

Note to everyone: Soccer season is over for my school, which means more time to write reviews, which means in the later weeks these reviews will be jam packed with stuff, if anyone would like to be in the review and have there own segment, simply send an email to: Post your name and segment and it will be in the following review. Those who emailed me, your emails will not be posted, unless you say so. I'm not that much of an asshole to do that.
Oh yeah, lets get the schedule for the next few weeks for hosts on SNL that are confirmed.
November 9, 2002 (tonight)- Nia Vardalos and Eve
November 16, 2002-Brittany Murphy and Nelly (also performing with him is some singer called Kelly Rowland or something like that.
December shows: There just rumors, but Al Gore, and Robert Deniro are planned to be hosting. And music for one of those shows is Nora Jones.
Oh yeah, last week I said that there was supposed to be some old cast member hosting, but at last minute they cancelled, that host/musical guest was supposed to be Adam Sandler. Some moron at SNL must have X-ed him or something at the last minute. How stupid do they have to be to let go Adam Sandler for a show. What fucking morons, that show would have been awesome, but instead they give the show to Brittany Murphy. Good call.
Okay, I'm totally out of material, time to get into tonight's show.

Pre-show: Well tonight show features the star of My Big Fat Greek Wedding Nia Vardalos and Rapper Eve. I saw My Big Fat and it was a great movie, definitely one of the funniest of the year. I think SNL will get back to being funny and make tonight's show funny. For the music, well, I don't consider it music, I consider it really shitty. I think Eve will do good with the rap viewers, but for the non-rap fans, its gonna suck. You know it. That one radio song that Eve has people will be like 'Oh yeah, I've heard this.' Then for the 2nd song, they'll be like 'Who the hell got her to do the show.' Those rap people can be very tricky with there radio hits. All right, onto the show.

Opening: Bush is well..back I guess you can say -Like I said in the SMG show, this character and opening routine of Parnell doing Bush will get much better as the season progresses. -The thing that they have to still do, is to make Bush goofier. That's the one thing that Will had that was classic last season. The goofiness was definetly the funniest thing. -The U.S. Senate thing was funny. I like the laugh Parnell has for George W. Bush. Grade: B+

Mono: Nia Vardalos -You can tell that this is one of her first time doing comedy in front of people by the way that she started talking before the applause stopped. -Cute mono, I think this show is going to be one of those family type shows that has a lot of random characters that nobody has no idea where they came from. ­Tina Fey in another part of the show besides Update two shows in a row. Jeus. Tina was up there as a friend of Nias being Greek. I liked Rachel as the little old woman too. The crowd for some reason loved this mono, they laughed at all the family that came onto the stage. ­I liked Kattans character. His laugh was great. Grade: B-

Comm: Swiffer Sleepers -Repeat from Sarah Michelle Gellar show. Grade: D- (same as the grade from 10/12/02 show)

Skit: Bloater Brothers c-Ah yes, the return of Fallon and Parnells characters. These guys are annoying and have such bad pick up lines, however, their very likeable characters. Even though they get played like once a year though. ­Nias' role was weird. She started out pissed off, but when 2 brothers try picking her up, she offers to have sex with them. Weird Premise, but still decently funny at best. Grade: C+

Skit: CBS News with Dan Rather -You ever notice that Darrel always has that character that they used in the 90's that they bring back once or twice a season, well this one is definitely one of the better ones. Another character is Clinton that they barely do too. ­Darrell's impression of him was really good. He had a lot of funny lines. ­Funny skit, the cuts to the nerds and to Fallon was funny. -I don't mean to get off topic here, but do you ever wonder where they the ideas for these random skits. Here for instance they have an election for a High School. I remember watching some skit where Clowns entered in a running race. How random does that get. These news type skits that SNL puts on the air have so much material to chose from its hard to believe that they actually have shitty skits, just random stuff like this in and I guarantee it'll go over well. Grade: B

Sketch: Waxing -Like I said about 5 lines up, random skits are funny. This is a great example of that. ­Nia as a waxer for Rachel was funny. Her screams were sooo fake. ­The line about the weeds in the field were funny. ­Very sexual innuendo jokes here. Grade: B+

Music: Eve ­"Gangsta Lovin." -I think the song is called that, but not sure. If I'm wrong, very sorry Rap fans. ­Okay song, this was that radio song I was talking about in the pre-show. Grade: C-

Update: Fey 'n Fallon -Highlights were: Frank Toutenberg, Tinas' Republican Rant, Bobby Brown, Winona Ryder and Felicity DVD release. -I liked the Security System thing with Fey and Fallon. I liked the walks of Nick Nolte, Anna Nicole Smith, and Ozzy Osbourne. Tinas walk was good too. ­Seth's commentary about his 10-year high school reunion was good too. The crowd I don't think liked it that much. The premise was hard to get if you weren't taking notes. ­Good jokes this week, much better than last weeks crap-a-thon. S-Oh yeah, does anybody else see part of Kattan in Seth Meyers when he's on Update. If Kattan leaves, Meyers will definitely be the type of replacement for Kattan. Grade: A-
Alex says: jimmy's jokes kinda bombed

Skit: Turkish Talk show s-Sorry, but I'm not even getting into this one. Didn't even watch it. Surprised I made it back from last season, but if they bring back Versace I think they'll bring anything back. D-Not reviewing this. Look up Armenian and Turkish history and you'll see why. -Alex knows why. Grade: N/A

Sketch: The Falconer - Wills 1st leading skit on SNL. Congrats. - Great skit, reminds me of Toonces from the late 80's on SNL. ­The Falcon eating in the restaurant was funny. I liked the Cherry Jubliee when it was on fire and the Falcon screamed. Grade: B+

Comm: Pier 1 Imports -Funny mock of Kirstie Alley doing Pier 1 commercials. I liked when Rachel was describing who kidnapped her. -Nia didn't look much like Kirstie. Grade: B

Skit/Comm: Dropping the L.L.B.'s with Missy E -Tracy in a womans role, holy shit, SNL has come to some new lows, but I'm really surprised that there picking him of all people to play a female character. (If you don't get that I'm being sarcastic, then you should be hit in the face.) -Sort of funny, could have been better. Too much rap on the show tonight. Was that Eve as the Doctor?? Grade: D

Music: Eve -The DJ looks so much like Dean. I guess it would explain why he hasn't been in the show for the last like 8 shows. I think they mentioned it was Tracy Morgans Birthday along with Eves, that's cool. Grade: C-

Skit: Attorney at Law -Crowd liked it, but I thought it was pretty stupid. Let just get the Premise straight here: Maya as an Attorney talking about cases that are out of the oridinary and she also explains how she backs people up. Yeah, dull as hell folks. -I liked the Space thing at the end when it attacked her. Grade: D-

Sketch: Community Accents -Horatio was pretty funny. This reminded me of Safari Planet with Tracy, but instead of animals Horatio had real people, but was even more childlike. -I liked how he left in the middle and Nia, Kattan, and Dean were just sitting there. Grade: B+

Closing Credits: Nia was really happy and stuff with the show. You can tell by her closing lines. Nothing really major.

After-show: Okay, well what a show. Nia was great as host. I think everyone who thought she was going to suck was totally wrong. So this season the best shows are by a senator and a not that popular actress whos in a hit film. Ironic. I've been wondering this, why are there like 14 cast members and there all hardly in the show. Parnell and Hammond and Dean and Jeff and Jimmy were all hardly in the show. It was ashame not to see Amy this week. Eve was decent as music. Not a fan of her music at all.
Alex says: damn alot better than last weeks

Actor/Actress of the Night: Nia Vardalos, Chris Parnell, Tina Fey           

Best of the Night: Weekend Update, The Falconer, George W. Bush opening, Community Accents Show

Worst of the Night: Swiffer Sleepers, Turkish Talk show, Missy E's Rap thing

Lines of the Night:
From the Opening: "Let's be frank, I'm a popular guy, I like people, with the possible exception of Senator Jeffords the little fudge drawers from Vermont."- Chris Parnell as George W. Bush
From Bloater Brothers skit: "I like a woman I can deflate and can hide from my father."- Jimmy Fallon as Kip Bloater when asked by Nia what he likes in a woman.
From Update: "The first season of Felicity is out on DVD this week. Fans who waited on line for over 24 hours to buy the DVD didn't really have to, because there were no lines."- Jimmy Fallon
"Singer Bobby Brown was arrested early Thursday in Atlanta and was charged with possession of marijuana, speeding, no proof of insurance, and no driver's license... he's still got it."- Tina Fey

Overall Grade: B
Okay, man this review sucked this week, Alex, you want to post the Jolly Rancher segment or your rant this week.
Alex: Lets go for the rant next week and the JR now this week to keep in line with all the other reviews.
Greg: All right, go for it Alex.
Alex: Welcome once again to my Jolly Rancher Personality Test. Made by me, for you.
What's your Jolly Rancher?

Welcome to the Jolly Rancher Personality Test! This is a test to see what kind of Jolly Rancher fits your personality best. First, choose your favorite flavor.

Disclaimer: This test was designed for entertainment purposes only. Any actual truth this test holds is purely coincidental. I'm sure there should be all kinds of legal babble, but I'm no lawyer. Basically, don't take this too seriously. Because we aren't responsible for any bodily harm that stems from reading this test. Thank you.

The Original Jolly Rancher Flavors are:
Cherry, Grape, Apple, Watermelon, Lemon
You have the above choices and Don't like candy
Watermelon ­ Most people who like watermelon are the free spirit, save the trees types. You firmly believe that all forms of transportation other than walking and canoeing are destroying this planet and that we should all live off of granola and lettuce leaves. This makes you the biggest dipshit anyone has ever seen. All of your friends are imaginary and talking to a pineapple detracts from your chance of ever making any at all. Go live out in the woods and never come back. Ever.
Greg: Hey, that was great man, I'll see you on the review next week.
Alex: Sounds good, later man. 
All right, that's the end of the review. I'd like to thank all the crappy reviewers for giving me some rants, Alex actually has made a rant making fun of one you guys. Actually all except Chris and Joey. Tune in next week folks for Nelly and Brittany Murphy from 8 Mile.
Goodnight all, see you next week.
Don't take pills with no label.