Nia Vardalos / Eve
November 9, 2002

By Bob Barron

Quote of the Week-
"No one is above an ass-whooping"- Chris Rock

I got the new U2 CD this past Tuesday. My review of it as at-

I'll probably plug my review of Paul Simon's latest next week and possibly review WWE Anthology.


Sports Report-
- Eh- they lost to Edmonton tonight but have been playing great all year. They did fall to third place but Pittsburgh is easily overtakeable and they're off to a solid start. I've also been very impressed with the defence this year. Now speaking of defence
Maple Leafs- What the fuck guys? Seriously- WHAT. THE FUCK. I spent a lot of money to see this team play this year and I'm getting a bit pissed off. Pat Quinn promised us everything would be just fine and it's not. DO SOMETHING HERE GUYS! They're basically ruining my Hockey Night in Canada. I just wish they would do something here- my patience is wearing. The funny thing- I expected the Devils to completely bomb.
Canucks- They won tonight but are stuck in 8th place. They really need to do better because the past two years they've been #8 and have had to play awesome teams and they end up losing. But they're off to a pretty good start so hopefully will be good.
Nets- The K Konnection so rules all. I think the Nets fantastic start this year is more impressive because teams are now taking them seriously. Kenyon Martin has been his usual awesome self and I miss getting a chance to watch them like I did last year.
Saints- They had a bye week but unfortunately fell out of first- a win against Carolina will put them back there.


Adam Grunstein writes-

Hey man,
I didn't know you moved to T.O. to study at Ryerson. I was at U of T
for a
semester last year on exchange and one of my best friends does Radio
Television at Ryerson. I miss Toronto...just thought I'd say that..

You were at U of T?? I'm sorry that you couldn't get a good education and had to settle for a fake one. RTV is a pretty cool programme- you got to be like mega smart to get in. How do I know? They rejected me! Toronto is a pretty cool city, but with the Leafs losing I'm not so sure of its coolness. G'day mate. writes-

Thanks for mentioning me in your mailbag - you didn have to, but I am a
senora, can't y0u tell? 

No problem- if you write me an email- it goes in the mailbag. Well I can't technically if you're a senora but if you're a Spanish and female- I guess you qualify, esse.

Chad Ruffner writes-

Yet another Mundane, Tired, Predictable 2
Hours of Television. I actually turned It off about
an hour Into the program and never looked back. What
I can't get over Is how some people are actually
saying last night's snooze fest was a good show.
PLEASE!! Were Fans so turned off by The Katie Vick
Storyline that they'll call last night's show an
"Improvement"? Boring Is Boring, no matter
which way you slice It. Face It, the best thing to
happen to the WWE will be when A.) Vince grows back
his Grapefruit s and dismisses Steph as Head Of The
Creative Team or B.) NWA:TNA lands a Major Cable T.V.
Deal and gives The WWE some much needed competition.
Until then, I fear, things will only get worse from
here on In. I'm actually looking forward to see what
this pile of Shit did In the ratings, and how Vince
and Co. will spin It once they (the ratings) come out.
Truly and utterly SAD.


Eh- I'd rather take mundane and predictable then Triple H fucking a corpse. Were fans so turned off that anything not involving Katie is an improvement? Yes, absolutely. This week's show, while not great, did seem to focus on wrestling and building hype for the Survivor Series. About your Vince point- Vince is the one who loves this necrophilia stuff so don't blame Stephanie. Blame him. Don't forget- we still have Smackdown! which has been delivering some great wrestling for a while now. Well the ratings for the week after necrophilia showed on television as they did seem to emphasise actual wrestling this week. It's slowly getting there and I think with the success of SD!- Vince may be taking the hint.

Dale Harris News Organization writes-

Why do you have to have ten pages of crap before the review? Sports update? Mailbag? Can't you just write the review without useless stuff? I want to read about SNL, not wrestling.
Actually I kind of can't. My reviews are basically my place to vent about whatever and it actually helps me like not keep the anger bottled up. The sports update doesn't really take up that much room and the mailbag is pretty much depending on how much mail I get. So technically by writing me this letter- you're like taking up more pre-review space. When I have stuff like diary of a college student, snl trip reports or any thing that takes up mega too much space I put it at the end of my review after everything else. And if the mailbag, sports report and other stuff bothers you- just use the scroll down thingy- cause you honestly don't have to read it.


Wanna be in the mailbag?? Email me anything at

Meal Card Update-
At Ryerson, they give you a meal plan where you put so much money on a card and you basically spend it throughout the semester. But if you have $1000 meal plan and end up only spending $900- they keep the $100. So currently with one month to go- I have to burn $520. I will keep you updated for the next two episodes and how the plan is going.


And of course what could be a post-election day episode without-

Barron recaps election day-
Now last year my look at election day involved me saying the 'f' word a lot. But this year I'll keep the profanity to a minimum. The Democrats screwed up big-time this year. They lost the house and the senate which is just inexcusable. In New York they once again screwed up. Carl McCall spent the last weekend of his campaign- whining about funding. I mean honestly- you might as well hold up a sign saying-


I was very happy Pataki won and I think the country is going to be in good hands for a while. Especially now that I can vote.



Cold Opening
Cast- Chris Parnell
Thoughts- Wow- Lorne gave the guy another shot. And this time he didn't completely bomb. Kudos Chris. This was pretty funny and it seemed like he was getting into a rhythm. This still wasn't as funny as past Bush cold openings but it had its moments and I think he maybe starting to click here. ***

Cast- Nia Vardalos, Tina Fey, Chris Kattan, Rachel Dratch, Tina Fey's mom
Thoughts- Message to Nia: Don't talk until the crowd quiets down. Why you ask? Cause then no one can here you. Tina totally redeemed herself for last week's total yawnfest by-

a) Looking hot
b) Showing some cleavage

This skit also reminded me of those episodes of Full House where Uncle Jessie's Greek family would come to visit him. You remember that? Where they lived in a small village and were apparently poor yet somehow could afford a round trip flight from Athens to San Francisco.

I was heading towards the Tom Green rating since this was pretty weird, but the fact that Fey showed cleavage and it brought back memories of Full House bumped it to- ***

Swifter Sweepers-
Cast- Amy Poehler
Thoughts- So far the commercials have been pretty good this year which is a relief cause like usually by may we will have this seen commercial 84 times and be sick of it but it will still be at least amusing. Good stuff. ***1/2


Bloater Brothers
Cast- Vardalos, Jimmy Fallon, Parnell, Fred Armisen
Thoughts- I like the Bloater Brothers. There- I said it. I like the Bloater Brothers. They're funny. Yes I know they're stupid. Yes I know the skits are basically retarded. But it pains me to say it- I laugh watching them. Wow- there goes all my readership and credibility as an SNL reviewer. Anywho the Bloaters are always good for a **1/2-***1/2 rating and this time they fell right in the middle. **3/4

Election Night
Cast- Vardalos, Darrell Hammond, Dratch, Maya Rudolph, Horatio Sanz, Fallon, Seth Meyers, Jeff Richards, Will Forte, Dean Edwards
Thoughts- So Dean didn't die in a gang shootout. I apologise to family of Jerry Minor scaring the crap out of them. This skit reeked of hit and miss-ocity. The Dan Rather-Seth stuff was awesome. It seems that Darrell is motivated this year and I have to say- it shows. Last year we were plagued with him laughing in that Barrymore skit and general malaise but I congratulate Darrell for putting down the booze! I was dead set against Darrell returning, I mean if the guy can't find his ID- what good is he anyway? But this season Darrell has put down the beer and found his ID and he is kicking ass. That said- the nerd stuff just sucked the life out this skit. Nia- you're very good at sounding like a nerd. Here's a quarter to SHUT THE FUCK UP and never ever grace us with that voice again. To sweeten the deal- I'll pay you in American to make it worth your while. That said a motivated Darrell, an annoying Nia all add up to- **

Lots of Stuff down there-
Cast- Vardalos, Dratch
Thoughts- Wow- I can see it a read-through:

Writer: Okay so like Rachel Dratch is going to a bikini wax and she has like a lot of hair in her cooter and she's in her underwear and she's really hair down there and this bikini waxer is like pulling the hair and it hurts! A lot.
Lorne: (on the phone) What- Will Ferrell won't come back to the show? (gets off the phone) Umm yea- whatever- sounds good.

This skit was interesting. It was one of those skits where I was like: heh-heh-heh, she's like hairy in like private places. While a women watching is like: That is like so nothing to laugh at. Well I am a guy and a found this skit to be pretty humorous. As someone who has a British girl fetish I can testify that Rachel Dratch is most definitely not English. I mean she seriously can't be. This skit was pretty funny and it involved Rachel in extreme pain so it gets- ***1/4

Thoughts- I actually like the song Gangsta Loving- even though I have no idea what gangsta loving. I'll be sure to ask Dean Edwards next time I see him on Martin Luther King Blvd. Anywho- even though there was no Alicia the song wasn't too bad.**1/4

Weekend Update
Cast- Fallon, Fey, Meyers
Thoughts- So last week I'm like pretty pissed about the Leafs losing and the fact that the commentaries SUCKED and totally ruined a rare Jimmy Fallon is on night. So what does SNL do. They bring back- the man, the myth, the Weekend Update legend-

SETH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The man is back and a not a moment too soon. Seth was on tonight and he once again showed why he is the man and why he should be on WU doing the news. He was hilarious tonight as per his usual. WU had another good joke night as well with of course Jimmy having his usual contractually obligated clunkers. The thing with the machine was also really even though it once again destroyed my fantasy that Tina goes commando under the Update desk.

Speaking of Felicity (well I wasn't but I'm reviewing Update where Jimmy made a joke about Felicity)- I got a couple complaitns I have to voice about the show and it's star Keri Russell. Note- I don't have ovaries so I haven't like watched the show but here's what I've gathered-

1) The name- Felicity? Who names their kid Felicity? I mean honestly- what the fuck. What a stupid name.
2) She goes to college across the country against her parents wishes. Do her parents-

a) tell her to go fuck herself
b) basically say: Okay felicity- since we gave you such a horrible name- you can do whatever you want.

Yea whatever. Those are my two complaints about Felicity. I have one more Felicity point to make though-

Have you ever gone to and gone: Ummm how come there aren't any autographs of celebrities up there? I mean I can only read the cut David Arquette joke so many times. Well does have autographs of celebrities and you have got to see Kerri Russell's- it's almost as bad and offensive as naming your kid Felicity.

Ummmm yea- WU kicked major ass tonight and rocked the Kasbah, who in turn rocked the body that rocked the party which until now especially after Horatio had done his Gene Shalit bit was hella lame. ****1/2

Horatio is Turkish
Cast- Sanz, Hammond, Kattan, Armisen
Thoughts- I forget the first time they aired this skit but I remember it got a lot of laughs cause Darrell's moustache fell off or something stupid like that. Well they brought the skit back and nope- no bloopers this time and thus- no laughing. It started out kinda funny then it just lost me and I honestly stopped paying attention. *1/2

The Falconer
Cast- Vardalos, Kattan, Armisen, Forte
Thoughts- Yea whatever. DUD

Pier One
Cast- Vardalos, Dratch
Thoughts- This was actually pretty funny especially when Rachel called the cops: No no- the second one or whatever the quote was. I like these nice, short skits they do at the end as they always give me a hearty chuckle. ***

Cast- Vardalos, Eve, Dratch, Tracy Morgan, Richards
Thoughts- I apparently turned my head and missed week two of Jeff Richards goes shirtless so thank god for head turning!! This was a nice little end of the show skit- it wasn't insanely funny but wasn't horribly bad or anything. Rachel Dratch was also pretty funny. **

Thoughts- I forgot to put her in my original review so if I get the order wrong sue me. This was 'eh' but the shout out to Jam Master Jay bumps it to- **

Cast- Vardalos, Rudolph, Dratch
Thoughts- Had Tracy Morgan come out in this skit- someone would've died. My TV fucked up in the middle of this skit so I missed a second but I'm assuming I didn't miss anything. This skit had its moments but anytime I see a lawyer skit it makes me think of the greatness that was Russell and Tate and then I end up going: Wow- this is so not funny compared to that. This was pretty unfunny except for the part where she dubbed over what Rachel said. *1/2


Community Access
Cast- Vardalos, Kattan, Sanz, Edwards
Thoughts- I was actually Dean Edwards had to get his vocal chords removed or something and would thus not be able to speak again. Thankfully, that is not the case. Well either that or Tim Meadows made a surprise appearance on the show and no one seemed to notice. This skit had its moments and kept me entertained so I give it- **1/4

The Bottom Line- Avg. skit was right around **.5 stars and since WU kicked major ass- I'll be nice and give it a thumbs up. No Amy Poehler was pretty disheartening and the overabundance of Rachel Dratch was a bit disturbing but this was one of those shows with enough good skits to balance out the crap that was Falconer and I must once again praise the awesomeness that was Weekend Update.

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