Brittany Murphy / Nelly
November 16, 2002

By Nick Mayhew

How do they know Princess Diana had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment. 

Sports report- back after a brief absence

NLF Picks (these are done prior to Sunday's first game kickoff)-

Packers vs. Vikings- Packs by 7
Falcons vs. Saints- Saints with the upset by 7
Browns and Bengals- Browns by 3
Colts vs. Cowboys- Cowboys by 3
Chiefs vs. Bills- Bills by 14
Dolphins vs. Ravens- Miami by 17
Giants vs. Redskins- Giants by 7- Go Tiki!
Eagles vs. Arizona- Eagles by 14
Steelers vs. Titans- Steelers by 3
San Fran vs. San Diego- San Fran by 3
Bucs vs. Panthers- Bucs by 10
Broncos vs. Seahawks- Broncos by 14
Jets vs. Lions- Jets by 3
Jags vs. Texans- Jags by 17- they just need to stop with these expansion teams; the level of talent in the NFL is going down faster than Madonna's career. With more teams, the talent is more spread out, thus not having many dominant teams- same with baseball, that needs to stop too. 
Raiders vs. Pats- Pats by 7
Rams vs. Bears- I'd like to go with Checaago, but Rams by 10

Good for my Yankees for exercising their option and signing Pettitte again- after Clemens, he's all they got.

The Rangers/Flames game had to be one of the best games I've seen, plus New York won. Blackburn had 35 saves on the night, and Nedved had an impressive goal, and at 8-9, we still have plenty of time to improve. 

Knicks and I have something in common. They stand at 1-7, and I got 1-7 right on my English test.

Cuse blew it Thursday night. Craig Forth had a few hoops (he's from Albany) and I hear that SU's freshman starter is supposed to be the best in the country. We'll see.

I'm having a problem with getting access into my email account so I'm thinking that I might not be getting some letters for the mailbag. In any event, email me if you want to be in the weekly mailbag!


Let's see what's new in the world this week. Comedian Paul Reubens, best known as children's television favorite "Pee-wee Herman," and veteran character actor Jeffrey Jones were charged Friday in related child pornography cases. But the weird thing is, experts say that all this sex publicity might actually help boost their careers. Yea, when hearing the news, R. Kelly went out and had sex with 3 minors.

Michael Jackson spent a third day testifying amid a circus-like atmosphere on Friday in a $21 million lawsuit over canceled millennium concerts -- saying that he did not "totally trust" the German promoter who sued him over the aborted shows, and the jury spent 6 hours deliberating the story. Yea, next week, the jury plan's to debate for 6 hours and argue whether he's a man, woman, or alien.

Pop star Bjork asked her fans to vote online what they thought were her 10 greatest hits of all time. When reached for comment, the people said, "Oh no, we thought we were voting on whether Bjork should be hit."

The 2004 Democratic National Convention was awarded to Boston on Wednesday in the first event of its kind in the city's storied political history. This Convention will be different from others past, however, because in part to Senator Kennedy's lobbying, Scotch will be served to all candidates.

Declaring spot inspections would begin on Nov. 27, chief U.N. arms inspector Hans Blix warned President Saddam Hussein on Friday to disclose all his weapons of mass destruction in a report next month. President Bush said he would go and inspect Iraq himself, but says he can't because he doesn't know where Iraq is.

Boy, what ever happened to the separation of church and hate? Everybody take it easy. I'm pretty sure God's registered as an independent. Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but it's amazing how, lately, God's name gets thrown around like the drunken dwarf at a biker rally. Personally, when I try to picture what God looks like, I always see some guy wearing a white robe and frantically working a huge panel of switches and knobs while answering prayers like a hopped-up Larry King taking phone calls. Columbia, South Carolina, go ahead--how many times do I have to tell you, take that Goddamn flag down. Now!

Every religion has its own concept of God, and every religion is wrong. They have to be. We're talking about the ultimate totality here, and no one creed can have absolute dominion over its definition. Man, I wish I'd said that sophomore year when I was trying to do Brenda Wilkins. I had Dark Side Of The Moon playing, we were splitting a bottle of Jack Daniels, talking existentialism. If I had this pseudo-philosophical bullshit down back then, I would have gotten laid like Mothra's egg.

Western religions tend to imagine God as either a burning bush or Wilford Brimley with a beard and dreadlocks. In the East, you get a little more leeway: one God is a bare-breasted woman with six arms, another is a man with the head of an elephant. There is no doubt in my mind as to who has the better weed.

The concept of God lets us imagine there's something more, that when you die you stumble out of this demented funhouse and there's someone there to explain what the hell you just went through, like the epilogue on a Quinn Martin show. That's all I want--I want everything clarified, you hear me Lord? Everything. I want a perfectly logical reason for all the wars, shootings, tortures, rapes, murders, cruelty and pain. And when You're done with that, can you please explain the frogs in MAGNOLIA to me?

You know what else I've realized about God? Even though Jesus once admonished, "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's," God and commerce do frequently overlap. Did you ever notice the phrase "In God We Trust" only appears on the lesser denominations of our currency? You get up around the $1000 bill, and it just says "God, I Think I Can Take It From Here."

I don't think there's any doubt that people often yell, "Oh God" during sex because He wants to be appreciated for his best invention. If you don't shout His name when smelling a rose, well, that's OK. Not really bowled over by the sight of a glorious sunset? Fair enough. But if you don't give Him props for orgasms that make your toes curl like frying bacon, well, you're about to feel the awesome wrath of the Almighty's lightning-bolt enema.

Yes, some of God's handiwork is flawed. There are rivers that overflow, volcanoes that aren't quite sealed and tectonic plates that tend to crack over time. But isn't it comforting to know that even God has trouble finding a reliable contractor?

And for someone who is so great and all-powerful, Yahweh's got an awful lot of people talking for him these days, doesn't he? God's got more phonies claiming to know His will than Howard Hughes. Jerry Falwell says homosexuality and abortion are sins. Yeah, well, so is gluttony, Jerry. So why don't you drop about 50 or so and then talk to me about what people should or shouldn't be doing with their bodies. OK?

To clarify, I'm not one of those religious freaks, who knows the bible like the back of my hand, and nor do I attend Church regularly, it just so happens that I wanted to rant on these religious pricks. Unfortunately, I've got the early shift Sunday morning from 8-6, and I see these schmucks come in each Sunday in their nice clothes and all they do is talk about God and how we need to follow him 24/7. Well, you know what? It's bullshit, and it sucks. So, if you're reading this and shop at Price Chopper Store #20 on Sunday mornings AND you have this mental defect on you, shut the fuck up and don't tell junior next time that he drops a can that, "That's not how God wants you to act." Lay off, Mommy, he cant even piss in a toilet right yet and you want him to know the difference between Chicken Noodle and Chicken Gumbo?

Don't get me wrong. People are certainly entitled to worship as they see fit, but don't go using God as a convenient template for your petty, bigoted views. If you want to ban interracial dating at your college because your father once caught you masturbating to a picture of Pam Grier and punished you by making you paint the house, and now every time you smell wet DuPont Latex Exterior it makes you think of Foxy Brown and you get all confused and horny and humiliated at the same time, and you want to make someone pay, just fucking say so.

Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.

I wanna know what you think America. Give me a ring at

Tonight's guest coincidentally stars with God's child himself, Eminem, in the movie "8 Mile." Please welcome Brittany Murphy.


[COLD OPENING] Adam Sandler's Chanukah Song Number 3

Yea, so case in point, I think I'm the only fan of the show who thought that Sandler doing this song would be the cold open. This was set up perfectly. All of the lines and jokes were funny, but please, Adam, keep Tom Arnold- we don't want him! Now, IMO, this is the best cold opening probably since the 1st Presidential Debate of 2000, and, besides that one, the best in about 5 years. We rarely get any of these special cold opens anymore and never with a former cast member, so it was a very nice change. And Rob Schneider too! That's two former cast members in the same show in the same sketch. Good lord, he can't even get one to host but can get them to cameo. Skit gets the thumbs way up.

RATING: 10/10

[MONOLOGUE] Brittany Murphy

Same as the cold open, we rarely get any of these kinds of monologues anymore. But I got jiggy wit' 'dis. Before even Tracy walked on stage I was laughing my ass off, and how he thinks Parny is a bitch. Parny and Tracy's rap rocked, and when Amy attempted to rap it had me in shambles, but when she actually did rap, I was soaking the floor in laughter. And they totally dissed Lorne- pimp daddy- don't they know he's the mack daddy? Say my name Don Pardo- AMY POEHLER. Say how good this monologue was Don Pardo-

RATING: 9.5/10

[COMMERCIAL] Welcome Back, Potter

I dug this at first, but where was the sketch? I remember those winter days when I'd watch it and feel all good about myself. Those were the days. As a fan of Kotter, this skit really had me rolling. This had to be one of the best commercials in years.

RATING: 9/10

[SKETCH] The Leatherman

So it's been like 1 year since Jimmy did this, but it probably got cut from other shows last year. Not really overall funny, but it had quite a few punches that rocked the house. Horatio remind you of Keith Moon a bit when he was dressed like that, wig and all? Keith Moon is the best drummer of all time, period. I mean, have you listened to We Won't Get Fooled Again in it's entirety? But skit was amusing, even when Jimmy and Sanz cracked up, and the BJ joke at the end with the snake was cool too. Skit gets a thumbs at a 45 degree angle.

RATING: 7.5/10

[SKETCH] Donahue

Donahue was good when the show was called Donahue- back in the 80s! Actually, it wasn't that good back then either. But Darrell had guts going on his show and kissing his ass then coming out and dissing him like Joel Gotter on COB. I mean, I couldn't have laughed harder when he showed the lowest rated tv shows on cable, and there Phil was at #2 followed by the Israeli State tv thing. Good stuff. And Tracy cracked me up again, but he does bring up a good point- Phil sucks. Maya actually wasn't too bad, and I liked the whole Jeff thing. It's better he plays Moore than Carmen Electra. 

RATING: 8.5/10

[SKETCH] Jarrett's Room

These have come a long way since the Katie Holmes one. Seth going 80s? HELL YEA! I was hoping for some Frankie Goes to Hollywood or C+C Music Factory, and if you've been reading my reviews long enough, you know my whole joke with Frankie Goes to Hollywood and C+C MF. That really worked in the skit. Rest of it was damn good too, Turkey Bong and all. Don't dis Chili's- they're food rocks.

RATING: 7.5/10

[SKETCH] C-Span and their camera, the only one they have

That reminds me; remember the Franken days. Ahh, I miss them. Anyways, Seth does a really good British voice job, and it made this sketch reek of hilarity. He makes the Brits sound gay and stupid- and I'm down with that. Started out slow but ended up funny, part to Downey's voice overs. Go Seth.

RATING: 7.5/10

[SKETCH] Scott Jopin Tennis Talk

This was an interesting skit- Maya didn't make it too funny, and Brittany's Kornikova wasn't too great, compared to my girl Kirsten Dunst's one- which by the way, I saw Kirsten impersonate her LIVE because I had the hookup for that show, and was seriously like 10 feet away from her. Tracy and DEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This has to be over his cap of allowed appearances in one show. But Tracy and Dean in drag; that has conspiracy written all over it. Not a bad skit.

RATING: 6.5/10

[MUSIC] Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland

This is so how I'm not into reality shows- from what I heard, some girl names Kelly won the first American Idol, so, me being how stupid I am, thought this was her or something. I never liked reality shows; I may have watched like some of the first Survivor Finale but that's it mainly because reality tv sucks and why would I watch that when I got NYPD Blue, Law and Order, and ER? Back to this song- nothing amusing, except she keeps saying and touching her boobs like every 5 seconds, and Nelly got off on that sadly. Did he cut himself shaving?

RATING: 3/10

[WEEKEND UPDATE] With Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey

This was a pretty good update. Jeff goes Drunk Girl Style; this one was probably the shortest and the best. This is one of those rare occasions where Jimmy had better lines than Tina. The J. Lo/Ben one was good, and I must've rolled around for 5 minutes after the Richard Gere one. Jokes were all good, and I liked the Phil Collins thing this time too. Then we come to CK as Waxhead and MR as LiZa with a capital Z! Kattan had an awesome part in this and was funny. Thank goodness they're canceling that show though; we don't need another Anna Nicole Smith fiasco. But, you've never seen a true Anna Nicole impression until you see my man COB do it. Too funny. But, that's one less thing that Maya and Chris can do now, which creates more of a reason for the both of them too leave, more so Maya.  

RATING: 9.5/10

[SKETCH] Astronaut Jones

GARRETT MORRIS!!!! What the hell? The crowd didn't even acknowledge him at first. He's so awesome. He's old but it's good to see Lorne got him back to do a little something on the show. I had a feeling Tracy wanted to bring him back for a cameo in this skit, and it was awesome. Poor Garrett, though, getting all of his skits cut from when he used to be on the show. Him and Dean must've finished off a bottle of Lou Ross before the show. But, I like Garrett, like a lot, like he's funny, like he rocked when he was on the show. I thought once he saw Brittany he'd say something like "I wanna kill all the Aliens I seeeeeeeeee!" It was worth hoping for. And Tracy was hilarious too. 

RATING: 9.5/10

[T.V. FUNHOUSE] A Cartoon by Robert Smigel

It wasn't one of his recurring but was something new, so kudos for that. I liked this one, and the whole religious thing at the end with the priest was funny too.

RATING: 8/10

[COMMERCIAL] My Big Thick Novel by Jack Handey


RATING: 3/10

[MUSIC] Nelly

This is the part of my review were everything become shorter and numbers are smaller.

[SKETCH] The Girl with No Gaydar

Maya did a horrible job replacing Ana. I met Ana, and was in her dressing room, and she just reeked of coolness. Skit held up for the most part. Not terrible.

RATING: 5/10


SKETCH OF THE NIGHT: Astronaut Jones


QUOTE OF THE NIGHT Dialogue between Brittany Murphy and Tracy,
Brittany: "So you and Parnell get along?"
Tracy: "Na, he's a little bitch."
(I picked this one partly because of how Tracy said it too)



Slightly better than last week's show, not by much. I was counting on a decent show, and I got one, partly because I heard a slew of cameos that were going to be made that night. Now, Lorne could pull 3 former cast members and put them all into the same show but can't get one to host? He's gotta work on that. Good work this week, two weeks off, and then it's the man himself, Robert DeNiro. Happy Turkey Day, and remember, the more turkey you eat, the more you'll fart.

Guess what folks? That's the news and I am outta here