Murphy / Nelly
November 16, 2002
How do they know Princess Diana
had dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glove
Sports report- back after a brief
NLF Picks (these are done prior
to Sunday's first game kickoff)-
Packers vs. Vikings- Packs by
Falcons vs. Saints- Saints with the upset by 7
Browns and Bengals- Browns by 3
Colts vs. Cowboys- Cowboys by 3
Chiefs vs. Bills- Bills by 14
Dolphins vs. Ravens- Miami by 17
Giants vs. Redskins- Giants by 7- Go Tiki!
Eagles vs. Arizona- Eagles by 14
Steelers vs. Titans- Steelers by 3
San Fran vs. San Diego- San Fran by 3
Bucs vs. Panthers- Bucs by 10
Broncos vs. Seahawks- Broncos by 14
Jets vs. Lions- Jets by 3
Jags vs. Texans- Jags by 17- they just need to stop with these
expansion teams; the level of talent in the NFL is going down
faster than Madonna's career. With more teams, the talent is
more spread out, thus not having many dominant teams- same with
baseball, that needs to stop too.
Raiders vs. Pats- Pats by 7
Rams vs. Bears- I'd like to go with Checaago, but Rams by 10
Good for my Yankees for exercising
their option and signing Pettitte again- after Clemens, he's
all they got.
The Rangers/Flames game had to
be one of the best games I've seen, plus New York won. Blackburn
had 35 saves on the night, and Nedved had an impressive goal,
and at 8-9, we still have plenty of time to improve.
Knicks and I have something in
common. They stand at 1-7, and I got 1-7 right on my English
Cuse blew it Thursday night.
Craig Forth had a few hoops (he's from Albany) and I hear that
SU's freshman starter is supposed to be the best in the country.
I'm having a problem with getting
access into my email account so I'm thinking that I might not
be getting some letters for the mailbag. In any event, email
me if you want to be in the weekly mailbag! Pinballwizard46@yahoo.com
Let's see what's new in the world
this week. Comedian Paul Reubens, best known as children's television
favorite "Pee-wee Herman," and veteran character actor
Jeffrey Jones were charged Friday in related child pornography
cases. But the weird thing is, experts say that all this sex
publicity might actually help boost their careers. Yea, when
hearing the news, R. Kelly went out and had sex with 3 minors.
Michael Jackson spent a third
day testifying amid a circus-like atmosphere on Friday in a $21
million lawsuit over canceled millennium concerts -- saying that
he did not "totally trust" the German promoter who
sued him over the aborted shows, and the jury spent 6 hours deliberating
the story. Yea, next week, the jury plan's to debate for 6 hours
and argue whether he's a man, woman, or alien.
Pop star Bjork asked her fans
to vote online what they thought were her 10 greatest hits of
all time. When reached for comment, the people said, "Oh
no, we thought we were voting on whether Bjork should be hit."
The 2004 Democratic National
Convention was awarded to Boston on Wednesday in the first event
of its kind in the city's storied political history. This Convention
will be different from others past, however, because in part
to Senator Kennedy's lobbying, Scotch will be served to all candidates.
Declaring spot inspections would
begin on Nov. 27, chief U.N. arms inspector Hans Blix warned
President Saddam Hussein on Friday to disclose all his weapons
of mass destruction in a report next month. President Bush said
he would go and inspect Iraq himself, but says he can't because
he doesn't know where Iraq is.
Boy, what ever happened to the
separation of church and hate? Everybody take it easy. I'm pretty
sure God's registered as an independent. Now I don't want to
get off on a rant here, but it's amazing how, lately, God's name
gets thrown around like the drunken dwarf at a biker rally. Personally,
when I try to picture what God looks like, I always see some
guy wearing a white robe and frantically working a huge panel
of switches and knobs while answering prayers like a hopped-up
Larry King taking phone calls. Columbia, South Carolina, go ahead--how
many times do I have to tell you, take that Goddamn flag down.
Every religion has its own concept
of God, and every religion is wrong. They have to be. We're talking
about the ultimate totality here, and no one creed can have absolute
dominion over its definition. Man, I wish I'd said that sophomore
year when I was trying to do Brenda Wilkins. I had Dark Side
Of The Moon playing, we were splitting a bottle of Jack Daniels,
talking existentialism. If I had this pseudo-philosophical bullshit
down back then, I would have gotten laid like Mothra's egg.
Western religions tend to imagine
God as either a burning bush or Wilford Brimley with a beard
and dreadlocks. In the East, you get a little more leeway: one
God is a bare-breasted woman with six arms, another is a man
with the head of an elephant. There is no doubt in my mind as
to who has the better weed.
The concept of God lets us imagine
there's something more, that when you die you stumble out of
this demented funhouse and there's someone there to explain what
the hell you just went through, like the epilogue on a Quinn
Martin show. That's all I want--I want everything clarified,
you hear me Lord? Everything. I want a perfectly logical reason
for all the wars, shootings, tortures, rapes, murders, cruelty
and pain. And when You're done with that, can you please explain
the frogs in MAGNOLIA to me?
You know what else I've realized
about God? Even though Jesus once admonished, "Render unto
Caesar what is Caesar's," God and commerce do frequently
overlap. Did you ever notice the phrase "In God We Trust"
only appears on the lesser denominations of our currency? You
get up around the $1000 bill, and it just says "God, I Think
I Can Take It From Here."
I don't think there's any doubt
that people often yell, "Oh God" during sex because
He wants to be appreciated for his best invention. If you don't
shout His name when smelling a rose, well, that's OK. Not really
bowled over by the sight of a glorious sunset? Fair enough. But
if you don't give Him props for orgasms that make your toes curl
like frying bacon, well, you're about to feel the awesome wrath
of the Almighty's lightning-bolt enema.
Yes, some of God's handiwork
is flawed. There are rivers that overflow, volcanoes that aren't
quite sealed and tectonic plates that tend to crack over time.
But isn't it comforting to know that even God has trouble finding
a reliable contractor?
And for someone who is so great
and all-powerful, Yahweh's got an awful lot of people talking
for him these days, doesn't he? God's got more phonies claiming
to know His will than Howard Hughes. Jerry Falwell says homosexuality
and abortion are sins. Yeah, well, so is gluttony, Jerry. So
why don't you drop about 50 or so and then talk to me about what
people should or shouldn't be doing with their bodies. OK?
To clarify, I'm not one of those
religious freaks, who knows the bible like the back of my hand,
and nor do I attend Church regularly, it just so happens that
I wanted to rant on these religious pricks. Unfortunately, I've
got the early shift Sunday morning from 8-6, and I see these
schmucks come in each Sunday in their nice clothes and all they
do is talk about God and how we need to follow him 24/7. Well,
you know what? It's bullshit, and it sucks. So, if you're reading
this and shop at Price Chopper Store #20 on Sunday mornings AND
you have this mental defect on you, shut the fuck up and don't
tell junior next time that he drops a can that, "That's
not how God wants you to act." Lay off, Mommy, he cant even
piss in a toilet right yet and you want him to know the difference
between Chicken Noodle and Chicken Gumbo?
Don't get me wrong. People are
certainly entitled to worship as they see fit, but don't go using
God as a convenient template for your petty, bigoted views. If
you want to ban interracial dating at your college because your
father once caught you masturbating to a picture of Pam Grier
and punished you by making you paint the house, and now every
time you smell wet DuPont Latex Exterior it makes you think of
Foxy Brown and you get all confused and horny and humiliated
at the same time, and you want to make someone pay, just fucking
Of course, that's just my opinion,
I could be wrong.
I wanna know what you think America.
Give me a ring at firstname.lastname@example.org
Tonight's guest coincidentally
stars with God's child himself, Eminem, in the movie "8
Mile." Please welcome Brittany Murphy.
[COLD OPENING] Adam Sandler's Chanukah Song Number
Yea, so case in point, I think
I'm the only fan of the show who thought that Sandler doing this
song would be the cold open. This was set up perfectly. All of
the lines and jokes were funny, but please, Adam, keep Tom Arnold-
we don't want him! Now, IMO, this is the best cold opening probably
since the 1st Presidential Debate of 2000, and, besides that
one, the best in about 5 years. We rarely get any of these special
cold opens anymore and never with a former cast member, so it
was a very nice change. And Rob Schneider too! That's two former
cast members in the same show in the same sketch. Good lord,
he can't even get one to host but can get them to cameo. Skit
gets the thumbs way up.
[MONOLOGUE] Brittany Murphy
Same as the cold open, we rarely
get any of these kinds of monologues anymore. But I got jiggy
wit' 'dis. Before even Tracy walked on stage I was laughing my
ass off, and how he thinks Parny is a bitch. Parny and Tracy's
rap rocked, and when Amy attempted to rap it had me in shambles,
but when she actually did rap, I was soaking the floor in laughter.
And they totally dissed Lorne- pimp daddy- don't they know he's
the mack daddy? Say my name Don Pardo- AMY POEHLER. Say how good
this monologue was Don Pardo-
[COMMERCIAL] Welcome Back, Potter
I dug this at first, but where
was the sketch? I remember those winter days when I'd watch it
and feel all good about myself. Those were the days. As a fan
of Kotter, this skit really had me rolling. This had to be one
of the best commercials in years.
[SKETCH] The Leatherman
So it's been like 1 year since
Jimmy did this, but it probably got cut from other shows last
year. Not really overall funny, but it had quite a few punches
that rocked the house. Horatio remind you of Keith Moon a bit
when he was dressed like that, wig and all? Keith Moon is the
best drummer of all time, period. I mean, have you listened to
We Won't Get Fooled Again in it's entirety? But skit was amusing,
even when Jimmy and Sanz cracked up, and the BJ joke at the end
with the snake was cool too. Skit gets a thumbs at a 45 degree
Donahue was good when the show
was called Donahue- back in the 80s! Actually, it wasn't that
good back then either. But Darrell had guts going on his show
and kissing his ass then coming out and dissing him like Joel
Gotter on COB. I mean, I couldn't have laughed harder when he
showed the lowest rated tv shows on cable, and there Phil was
at #2 followed by the Israeli State tv thing. Good stuff. And
Tracy cracked me up again, but he does bring up a good point-
Phil sucks. Maya actually wasn't too bad, and I liked the whole
Jeff thing. It's better he plays Moore than Carmen Electra.
[SKETCH] Jarrett's Room
These have come a long way since
the Katie Holmes one. Seth going 80s? HELL YEA! I was hoping
for some Frankie Goes to Hollywood or C+C Music Factory, and
if you've been reading my reviews long enough, you know my whole
joke with Frankie Goes to Hollywood and C+C MF. That really worked
in the skit. Rest of it was damn good too, Turkey Bong and all.
Don't dis Chili's- they're food rocks.
[SKETCH] C-Span and their camera, the only one they have
That reminds me; remember the
Franken days. Ahh, I miss them. Anyways, Seth does a really good
British voice job, and it made this sketch reek of hilarity.
He makes the Brits sound gay and stupid- and I'm down with that.
Started out slow but ended up funny, part to Downey's voice overs.
[SKETCH] Scott Jopin Tennis Talk
This was an interesting skit-
Maya didn't make it too funny, and Brittany's Kornikova wasn't
too great, compared to my girl Kirsten Dunst's one- which by
the way, I saw Kirsten impersonate her LIVE because I had the
hookup for that show, and was seriously like 10 feet away from
her. Tracy and DEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This has to be
over his cap of allowed appearances in one show. But Tracy and
Dean in drag; that has conspiracy written all over it. Not a
[MUSIC] Nelly featuring Kelly Rowland
This is so how I'm not into reality
shows- from what I heard, some girl names Kelly won the first
American Idol, so, me being how stupid I am, thought this was
her or something. I never liked reality shows; I may have watched
like some of the first Survivor Finale but that's it mainly because
reality tv sucks and why would I watch that when I got NYPD Blue,
Law and Order, and ER? Back to this song- nothing amusing, except
she keeps saying and touching her boobs like every 5 seconds,
and Nelly got off on that sadly. Did he cut himself shaving?
[WEEKEND UPDATE] With Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey
This was a pretty good update.
Jeff goes Drunk Girl Style; this one was probably the shortest
and the best. This is one of those rare occasions where Jimmy
had better lines than Tina. The J. Lo/Ben one was good, and I
must've rolled around for 5 minutes after the Richard Gere one.
Jokes were all good, and I liked the Phil Collins thing this
time too. Then we come to CK as Waxhead and MR as LiZa with a
capital Z! Kattan had an awesome part in this and was funny.
Thank goodness they're canceling that show though; we don't need
another Anna Nicole Smith fiasco. But, you've never seen a true
Anna Nicole impression until you see my man COB do it. Too funny.
But, that's one less thing that Maya and Chris can do now, which
creates more of a reason for the both of them too leave, more
[SKETCH] Astronaut Jones
GARRETT MORRIS!!!! What the hell?
The crowd didn't even acknowledge him at first. He's so awesome.
He's old but it's good to see Lorne got him back to do a little
something on the show. I had a feeling Tracy wanted to bring
him back for a cameo in this skit, and it was awesome. Poor Garrett,
though, getting all of his skits cut from when he used to be
on the show. Him and Dean must've finished off a bottle of Lou
Ross before the show. But, I like Garrett, like a lot, like he's
funny, like he rocked when he was on the show. I thought once
he saw Brittany he'd say something like "I wanna kill all
the Aliens I seeeeeeeeee!" It was worth hoping for. And
Tracy was hilarious too.
[T.V. FUNHOUSE] A Cartoon by Robert Smigel
It wasn't one of his recurring
but was something new, so kudos for that. I liked this one, and
the whole religious thing at the end with the priest was funny
[COMMERCIAL] My Big Thick Novel by Jack Handey
This is the part of my review
were everything become shorter and numbers are smaller.
[SKETCH] The Girl with No Gaydar
Maya did a horrible job replacing
Ana. I met Ana, and was in her dressing room, and she just reeked
of coolness. Skit held up for the most part. Not terrible.
SKETCH OF THE NIGHT: Astronaut Jones
PLAYER OF THE NIGHT: Tracy Morgan
QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: Dialogue between Brittany
Murphy and Tracy,
Brittany: "So you and Parnell get along?"
Tracy: "Na, he's a little bitch."
(I picked this one partly because of how Tracy said it too)
OVERALL EPISODE RATING: 73/100
Slightly better than last week's
show, not by much. I was counting on a decent show, and I got
one, partly because I heard a slew of cameos that were going
to be made that night. Now, Lorne could pull 3 former cast members
and put them all into the same show but can't get one to host?
He's gotta work on that. Good work this week, two weeks off,
and then it's the man himself, Robert DeNiro. Happy Turkey Day,
and remember, the more turkey you eat, the more you'll fart.
Guess what folks? That's the
news and I am outta here