Eric McCormack / Jay-Z
November 2, 2002

By The Doc

FROM THE OFFICES OF "THE DOC"...

Well my friends, Another Halloween has come and gone, and that means that I've been layed off from my Costume Store Job. I guess this is one of those situations where it's Good and Bad. Bad, because I'm not making money anymore...Well, For the time being anyway. But good, because now I can sleep on weekends, and do these reviews again at a normal pace instead of in advance.

I guess it was all for the best, but no matter how relieved I feel that it's over, It wont even begin to fill up the gap that has been created for me when I learned that the Anaheim Angels...The Guys who destroyed MY New York Yankees... The same guys who found a diseased monkey and decided to make him their mascot... The very same guys who couldn't have made the World Series, let alone just a playoff game, for the past 16 years to save their lives... (Sniff, sniff, tear.) WON THE FREAKIN' SERIES!!!

I have a strong feeling that with this horrible occurance happening, along with the renewal of "The Anna Nicole Show", The fact that "Jackass: The Movie" was #1, And those lottery commercials that feature the announcer from "Late Show with David Letterman", (Anyone from NYC & New Jersey knows exactly who and what I'm talking about.) I am almost certain that the apocalypse is well on it's way over here. Anyone who wants pennance for their sins now should send exactly $10 for a "Sin Absolving Kit" (SAK) to the following address...

SAK'S
C/O "Born Every Minute"
P.O. Box 666 Sucker Street
Baltic Avenue, WV 39572
ATTN: "Pennance"


In a completely unrelated story, People have been asking me questions over the past few months like "How's the FOX Network Boycott going?" Well, To tell you the truth, It's absolutely impossible to look away. For those who are not avid fans of "The Doc", I announced back in May that I would not watch a single second of FOX Network programing because they canceled some of the best shows this side of the spectrum.

I tried to avoid watching most* of their Programing, and this included their local shows. (*I still watch their Sunday Night shows, But not the other nights.) But this was a rather daunting task for me to accomplish, mainly because I get most of my news from "FOX 5 News at 5, 6 and 10" and their morning show "Good Day New York", Plus there's The Sports that they air, and believe me, they air a lot of it. In addition, I'm a fan of the remaining FOX Shows:

"That 70s Show"
"24"
"Bernie Mac"
"Cedric The entertainer Presents"
"Fastlane" (It's like you're watching a One hour commercial for Maxim Magazine!)
"Andy Richter Controlls the universe" (Coming Back in December)

And Of course, all of their Sunday Night Shows. When you add up the pieces of FOX that I mentioned, That adds up to a total of...(Let's see, carry the 1, move the 4...) 47.39% of FOX That I watch in a week! These statistics can only prove one thing... I have no Will power! this would explain my indescribable lust for food, sex and booze 24/7, I'm an "E! True Hollywood Story" waiting to happen...

"I'M JUST KEEDING!!!!!"

...I only have an indescribable lust for food... Anyway, last night's show was a (BRITISH VOICE) rather humorous one, Eric McCormack hides his gayness really well in this show...(STAGEHAND WHISPERS IN DOC'S EAR.) WHAT!?! He's not Gay in real life?!? Damnit, I just lost 20 bucks! (DEPRESSED) Oh well, here's the stupid review...
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Giulianni Ads, or "Uh, Election in November, Election in November." "What? Again? This stupid Country!"

Ever since "America's Mayor left office he has gone from powerful political figurehead, to Powerful Political figurehead with nothing better to do than to make endorsements. Where I live, He supports big time Republican Losers like George Pataki (NY Gov.) Doug Forrester, (NJ Senate Canadade---sp?) etc. When I turn 18 in 10 days, (See above address for sending me a gift.) I'm going over to the Democratic side, no questions asked. Getting back to this sketch, It's another uncanny performance by Hammond. Icing on the cake was the shoddy editing at the end.

Diagnosis: B+
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Monolouge, or "Is it OK to come out now Mr. Gay Man, Sir?" "I'll do anything you say...Anything!!!"

One of the few things I saw coming a few miles away. I'm sure of the fact that he's not gay in real life, pretty much because...(And this may come as a shock to you...) He's Married...To a Woman! (KATTAN: DAMNIT, DAMNIT, DAMNIT!!!) This kinda reminded me of that "Xena" Monolouge from a few years back, only W/O the singing part.

Diagnosis: B-
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"The Bachelor" or "(Ka-BOOM) Whoa, it must have been that bean I ate for dinner."

See, cause the girl in the sketch farts a lot...Yeah! Anyway, I'm sick of these (Recurring) sketches that have only one idea, and never do anything new...Ferricito, I'm looking in your direction...(FERRICITO: "O Dios Mio!") Since we all know what these things are all about, there's no need in explaining it.

Diagnosis: D+
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Party Games, Or "Oh, I'm sick of Pai-Gow, Can't we just play Kwang-jong?"

Yet another rehash folks, Only this time, there's no Bill Murray around (See 2/20/99). And I think that this further proves my point that Rachel Dratch is nothing more than a whining little rat, no matter who she plays... Either that, or she's venting out her anger towards being rejected by McCormack's "Bachelor". Either way, she's just a wigged out maniac.

Diagnosis: C-
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Political Ads: Part 1, or "My back is spineless, my belly is yella. I am the American Non-voter."

These ads look so much like the real ads, that I almost want to believe in politics...Almost. These first ads are a little ho-hum, but they do pick up later. Seems SNL is making a habbit out of 3-part ads these days, don't ya think?

Diagnosis: C-
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American Morning, or "Not since this reporters' marrage to 'Stephanie the weather lady', has this town been so consumed with rumor and innuendo..."

Let's see, CNN Spoof, Tina Fey is in it, Parneel sings, and...WAIT A MINUTE, SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP!!! TINA WAS IN A SKETCH?! (AUDIENCE: YEAH!) Did she have more than one line?! (AUDIENCE: YEAH!) And was she in a major role? (AUDIENCE: YEAH!) And am I just asking these obvious questions just to hear a cheer from you guys? (AUDIENCE: YEAH!) Just Checking. Sweet! It's about time Tina got a major role. Meanwhile, check out the action between her and McCormack! I smell two divorces in the future. As for the supporting players, Rachel was more toned down, Amy was a bitch...Again! And for a second, I thought Parnell was singing the theme to "The Love Boat". As corny as this sounds, This was a rather big supprise to me.

Diagnosis: A+
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Political Ads: Part 2, Or (See Part 1)

This was much better than the 1st one, mainly because of the fact that it's just a really long loop of repeating words. But it's the way that the words are presented that makes it funny.

Diagnosis: B
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Jay-Z

I'm still trying to figure out how he got both Kravitz and Beyonce` for this one... This mystery fits easilly between Bigfoot and Hoffa's disapearance.

N/A

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Update, Or "There was more dumb luck in the news today..."

If it wasn't for the regular jokes, this thing would be a major suckfest. I mean, did we really have to see "Gene Shallit" again? Oh, and to the guys in the control room during that "Rapping baby" schtick, Nice "Special Effects" for making it appear on Jimmy's suit, I smell another Emmy (TM) for you guys. I know sarcasam is dead to some of you, but I stand by my words.

Diagnosis: D+
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Bullhorns, Or "Loud? That's our secret word for the day! (SIRENS BLAIR WILDLY)"

I've got two strong words for you..."Oy Vey!" Those writers are really letting their Emmys(TM) get to their heads. Seriously, how the hell could a guy follow that?

Diagnosis: F
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Political Ads: Part 3, Or (See Part 1)

Now we've reached the point of ridiculousness with these especially with the "Disconnecting Phones" (JOHN STOSSEL OF ABC'S "20/20": "Give Me a Break"!). OK, that was a stretch, I admit it. SNL should just go back to doing one commercial per show.

Diagnosis: C-
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Radio Show, or "No sports, no weather, no information, for mindless chatter, we're your station!"

Gotta give props to Jimmy for multi tasking, That's got to take a lot of energy to do. Props also to McCormack for playing it straight...And no, that's not a Gay Joke!

Diagnosis: B
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Insurance, Or "Homer, tell your child what you bought when I sent you to get some insurance." "Curse You, Magic Beans!"

See, now these are the kind of commercials that we're used to seeing, just one time, no more/less, I'll give points for that. But the premise of it was what killed it. Otherwise, it would have been better.

Diagnosis: C
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Jackass: The Musical, Or "Can you swing a sack of doorknobs?" "Can I!"

(LAST OF THE GAY JOKES, I SWEAR!)  
Ok, Good Idea...but it could use a little fixing up. For starters, we didn't need to see a guy as plus sized as Jeff Richards down to his "skibbies". Also, if this was supposed to be "Jackass", where the hell was "Wee-man"? It just didn't feel right W/O him, but still, it was OK.

Diagnosis: C+
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Tracy's Story or "Gather around kids, and I shall tell you a tale."

This seems to be a common thing now, Tracy and Maya have some sort of...Thing...going on. (DR. EVIL: What the french call a certain...I don't know what.) The only problem is that it's not funny, maybe it is in some sort of artistic sense that I don't understand. Until I understand what that sense is, it's still not funny.

Diagnosis: D+
(I saved it from failure because of the "Artisitc" value.)

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Grand Diagnosis: C-

Prescription: I haven't seen something go up and down so much since a Zoloft user.

Next Week: Nia Vardelos from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding"...whom BTW is not fat at all for your information, with Eve By her side.


This Review is dedicated to all the men and women of America...Who had Higher hopes for One hit wonders like "Eagle Eye Cherry", Shawn Mullens, or "Sixpence None the Richer."

Until Next time, "The Doctor is out"


JAM MASTER JAY
1965-2002