McCormack / Jay-Z
November 2, 2002
A guy who makes $430 million
a year has nothing better to buy than a $15,000 thousand umbrella
stand; what's it made out of? Martha Stewart's vagina? I know,
some of you were surprised to learn she has one.
Notre Dame lost. I saw the game
at work yesterday and I broke the breakroom's 5 dollar tv in
a rage. ND had a huge chance of moving up further, and BC sucks
so I have no idea how they won. ND didn't connect with the ball
till the final 2 minutes of the game.
Brady led the Pats to win and
showed up Bledsoe. After the game, it was like:
Brady: Wow, you sucked horribly
Bledsoe: I sucked your mamma last night.
Canucks traded Hlavac, and I
now laugh at little Bobby Barron cause they just surrendered
every chance to do something good this season.
So Friday night at Proctor's
Theater I saw the "Laughter Arts Festival" which is
basically a bunch of really funny comedians traveling the road
and doing some great standup. Last night, I think I saw the best
comedy ever aside from George Carlin. Jeff Cesario, the former
Dennis Miller Live co-creator and writer, performed first, then
the hilarious Jim Gaffigan, followed by Lewis Black. Lewis Black
is one of the most underrated comedians of the time. This guy
was just so psycho last night. From the Taliban to Hawaii, he
was just way too funny. He was the best part of the show, and
closing was Brad Sherwood from "Whose Line?", with
some other improv dude, and this was decent, and as usual, when
they asked for suggestions of an occupation, the entire audience
blurted out "PORN STAR!"
Mailbag- queue Paul Shaffer and
the Words of Wisdom from Dr. Phil
I'm a big fan of SNL, I also write reviews. I was just reading
your review on the John McCain show, and I gotta say, your pre-review
teacher rant was freaking awesome, I really Identify with the
types of teachers and your description of the students. But,
one thing I disagree with you on is Maya Rudolph. I think she's
a big asset to the show. I love the Gemini's Twin character (maybe
that's because I hate destiny's child) and I love wakeup wakefield,
the one in the Reese Witherspoon episode was probably one of
the highlights of the season. She also does Condoliza Rice in
the political sketches. But, everyone's entitled to their opinion.
Anyway, you're really funny, keep up the good work.
Thanks for writing Kate, and thanks for the compliments. Maya
Rudolph is rarely essential to the show. When you think about
it, if she were suddenly removed from the show, would it leave
a void at all? It wouldn't for me, because she's rarely in any
good sketches, let alone in a sketch more than twice. The Wakefield
sketches were good at first, but they're getting on my nerves
at this point. As the philosopher Dennis Miller said, that's
just my opinion, and I could be wrong.
Could you explain the process
of being a cast member? What do you need to do?
Well, in a nutshell, you basically
need to be funny. Once you have that around, you start going
out to clubs and performing. If you're good enough there, you
can travel all over the country and performing, and maybe even
get picked up by an Improv-Troupe, where SNL gets most of its
cast members. And when you're there, that's your best shot of
getting on the show. It's a difficult process, though.
Write to the mailbag and make
your life complete- firstname.lastname@example.org
Let's see what's new in the world
this week. Republicans hope to buck history and capture Senate
control in an Election Day contest so excruciatingly close that
factors as fickle as the weather may help decide the outcome.
And I thought my job as the grocery clerk was a piece of shit.
Detectives foiled a plot to kidnap
Victoria Beckham, the pop star wife of England soccer captain
David Beckham, also known as Posh Spice, and have arrested five
people. It took police this long to realize that the Spice Girls
Woody Allen says President Bush's
argument for war against Iraq is unconvincing, according to French
weekly newspaper. Meanwhile, Soon-Yi Previn says, "Me no
HBO's campaign chronicler "Journeys
With George" may portray then-Gov. George W. Bush as a beguiling
charmer, but the so-called liberal media elite who showed up
for a screening at the Paris Theater Tuesday weren't fooled.
Yea, apparently, they turned down the show's original name of,
"Wow; I can't believe people are actually gonna vote for
Even working as a Grocery Clerk
at the supermarket, I've grown to a hate people, largely because
I get pissed when they're looking for "Grandma Esther's
All Natural Baked Beans with Low Sodium and Cholesterol and a
hint of Brown Sugar," and it's right in front of them. Now,
I don't want to get off on a rant here, but this country's so
intolerant right now, they might as well change the plaque at
the base of the Statue of Liberty to read, "Go the fuck
back to Fuckatania."
Listen, I will accept anyone's
lifestyle, appearance, belief or idiosyncrasy just as long as
they don't ask me to pay for it or wanna sit next to me on a
plane and talk about it.
What I do object to are fringe
groups who go beyond the notion of tolerance and demand our approval.
Sorry, but if you move in next door to me, and one day I look
out my window and see your wife cutting the lawn with her teeth
because she's a sheep, don't expect me to bring a covered dish
over when you two reaffirm your vows, okay?
Intolerance leads people to do
strange things: go to war, burn books, riot at soccer games,
and eschew lactose, and there's never any logical reason. Most
arguments made by intolerant people have all the consistency
of space shuttle Thanksgiving gravy.
Why can't anyone just shut up
and listen anymore? Whatever happened to the genteel art of sitting
back and letting someone go on and on thinking he's right while
you bask securely in the power of the knowledge that he or she
is completely full of shit?
Now, today's poster boy for intolerance
is Eminem. I don't think there's really anything that damaging
in Eminem's lyrics. He's no more dangerous than a bleached-blond
Chihuahua chewin' on an old dishrag. Eminem doesn't upset me.
You know why? Because he wants to upset me. Does his rap instill
hate and inspire intolerance? All I can say is, not in me. The
more crudely he rages against women, the more I crave their company
and counsel. The more he casts blame on corporate responsibility
for global warming resulting in the dangerous shrinking of the
polar ice cap, the more I realize that you now know that I'm
totally full of shit and have never even listened to his music.
You see, the danger inherent
in fighting intolerance is that often those attempting to eradicate
it end up practicing it, only in a mutated, once-removed form.
Liberals in particular are guilty of this supposedly well-meaning
And as far as Senator Teddy Kennedy's
quavering voice of righteous indignation constantly howling like
a beagle at a Rick Wakeman concert at the prospect of a right
wing conservative holding sway over the country's law enforcement
priorities... Give it a rest, Spam head. Let's not get into your
view on womens rights and the sanctity of human life, okay, because
where those issues are concerned, Teddy, you may not be, uh,
shall we say, in control of your own vehicle. Capice, Tay-o?
And let's not let conservatives
off the hook, either. Especially the religious right. Quick show
of hands: if he came down and applied, how many here think Jesus
would actually be accepted into Bob Jones University? C'mon,
they'd beat the shit out of a long haired, peace-and-love hippy
before he could turn the first cheek.
I think the truth is that you
can never make everyone happy. The same people who scream about
the freedom of choice for a woman to do what she wants with her
body are forcing people who want their body to have a cigarette
out into the streets to smoke. Some people who are against the
death penalty are so adamant that they would electrocute those
who are for it, and some of those who pray for the lives of the
unborn also recite an extra "Our Father" when a clinic
Look, tolerance does not mean
you agree with everything that other people say, or that you
subordinate your own best instincts to the tyranny of mass opinion.
It simply means you pretend not to know that everyone on the
planet but you is a total fucking moron.
The most unforgivable thing about
intolerance is, by its inherent assumption that one group, belief
or lifestyle is superior to another, it fails to take into account
the ultimate truth which binds us all, black and white, Republican
and Democrat, Arab and Israeli, Hindu and Muslim, Catholic and
Protestant, Serb and Croat, Hutu and Tutsi: the fact that, at
the end of the day, we are all equal pains-in-the-ass, in the
eyes of the Lord.
Of course, that's just my opinion.
I could be wrong.
I wanna know what you think America.
Give me a ring at email@example.com
Tonight's guest is the star of
the NBC sitcom "Will and Grace." Please welcome Eric
[COLD OPENING] Rudy Guliani Life After Politics
Now, this had the chance to reek
with hilarity, but fell very much short. Darrell's impression
was no where near as good as it has been. It was funny at first,
and had some good lines, but really fell apart at the end and
wasn't that funny. And, may I say that the midterm elections
are upon us, and those of you living in New York such as myself,
should get out and vote for Carl McCall. This man really has
a true plan for NY; more jobs to bring to the Upstate economy,
stop letting criminals from NYC come to Albany, a new education
plan, and raising the minimum wage. Now, Pataki is a republican,
and he's moderate, and I have a soft spot for moderates, but
I think it's time for a change. And Tom Gollisano can just bend
over cause he's a dumbass. Skit wasn't terrible.
[MONOLOGUE] Eric McCormack
I don't want to be repetitive
so I won't define the word MONOlogue. I don't mind the Q &
A format all the time, but this was just stupid. Some of it was
funny, but not enough. Kattan makes his usual one appearance
per show here, and it wasn't that bad actually. And Will likes
[SKETCH] The Bachelor
Well, folks. This is what we've
come to. What could've been a good skit wasn't that funny. Somehow,
Will resisting Rachel is all too funny. Save Amber, everything
wasn't too great. Maya plays the dumb bitch in the sketch as
usual. See, she clearly likes Eric McCormack, and that's cool,
but then she actually tried to have sex with him on tv, and that's
not cool. Now, the true savor of this skit was the commercial
and "Last Chance Tuesday's." That was true genious.
[SKETCH] The Celebrity Game
On the contrary to what a lot
of people thought, I liked this skit. Funny, in a twisted way.
"Who the balls wrote Felix Mendelson!" Her maniacal
rage at the end was funny, although it may have been childish.
And Rachel's in like 2 skits tonight. What's next? Dean Edwards
is gonna start being extras in skits?!
[COMMERCIAL] Campaign Ads
I could see where this was going
and it just got repetitive. Not hilarious but still not too bad.
[SKETCH] American Morning
Can you dig this? Fey's in a
sketch, and she's headlining it. Earlier in the week, Amy must've
been disappointed that she lost the Zahn impression to Fey. But
Fey was extremely hot. I was in her dressing room last year as
well, when she was in another sketch, the sleepover one from
Dunst. And she was in her pajamas then. Like woah. And I talked
to her and asked if she could dig me and she was like uhhh sorry
dude I'm married. But then she made out with Eric, and I was
all, say wha??? So I wasn't too happy. Parnell was good and I
think if I see Rachel again tonight I'm gonna shit my pants in
total surprise. Oh yea, Amy was good too.
[COMMERCIAL] Campaign Ads
This one got a little funnier.
[MUSIC] Jay Z featuring Lenny Kravitz
Lenny Kravitz is close to total
coolness. He's amazing. Jay Z, ummm, yeaaa. A great rock star
and a rap star performing the same song?! What am I supposed
[WEEKEND UPDATE] With Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey
I'd say 90% of the jokes/commentaries
were good. The David Guest and Gonzo jokes cracked me up, and
Jeff Richards naked is not cool. DO NOT CONTINUE. Gene Shalit
went on way too long and was a DUD for the most part. Phil Collins
thing sucked, but since Phil and Genesis are godlike, I accept
the badness of this. So Update was pretty funny.
[SKETCH] Crazy Court
Like, that actual set was used
during the Dunst show, and I was like 10 feet away from it, so
that just reeks of coolness. I thought it started out stupid
at first, but it did get rather funny. Go McCall!
[SKETCH] Radio Show
So, I liked this skit that was
full of funny voices. I can see this recurring. Some good stuff
here, and oddly enough, we haven't seen a whole lot of Fallon
[SKETCH] John Hancock Insurance
So yea, they leave this at the
end of the show and it was funny. What's not funny is the fact
that as I'm typing this, I've got about 5 hours of homework ahead
of me, and that's not cool.
[COMMERCIAL] Campaign Ads
Three's Enough, or was it Three's
[MUSIC] Jay Z featuring Lenny Kravitz and Beyonce
You're song has become tiresome.
Now is the time on Sprockets ven ve dance.
[SKETCH] Jackass the Musical
Yea, so basically clothes on
nation tv are nice, yea. This wasn't too bad for filler.
[SKETCH] Subway Fred
Good grief this was bad. Tracy
shouldn't be allowed in a sketch with Maya because Tracy is funny,
and should do funny things with other funny people.
SKETCH OF THE NIGHT: The Celebrity Game
PLAYER OF THE NIGHT: Rachel Dratch
QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: Tina Fey on Weekend Update,
"A tabloid reported this week that Britney Spears' New York
restaurant, Nyla, is in trouble and may close after just four
months. In happier news, Christina Aguilera's filthy hotdog wagon
is going strong."
OVERALL EPISODE RATING: 65/100
So to an extent, it was a disappointment.
There wasn't one skit or joke that REALLY stood out tonight,
and the material wasn't great. I had some good ideas that SNL
could've done with the show, but they didn't think of it. Our
good friend Don Pardo had to actually mention the movie that
next week's guest was in because no one knows who she is (props
to Tina for getting a good host next week). Until then, get out
and vote Democratic!
Guess what folks? That's the
news and I am outta here