Eric McCormack / Jay-Z
November 2, 2002

By Nick Mayhew

A guy who makes $430 million a year has nothing better to buy than a $15,000 thousand umbrella stand; what's it made out of? Martha Stewart's vagina? I know, some of you were surprised to learn she has one.

Sports report-

Notre Dame lost. I saw the game at work yesterday and I broke the breakroom's 5 dollar tv in a rage. ND had a huge chance of moving up further, and BC sucks so I have no idea how they won. ND didn't connect with the ball till the final 2 minutes of the game. 

Brady led the Pats to win and showed up Bledsoe. After the game, it was like:

Brady: Wow, you sucked horribly tonight.
Bledsoe: I sucked your mamma last night.

Canucks traded Hlavac, and I now laugh at little Bobby Barron cause they just surrendered every chance to do something good this season.

So Friday night at Proctor's Theater I saw the "Laughter Arts Festival" which is basically a bunch of really funny comedians traveling the road and doing some great standup. Last night, I think I saw the best comedy ever aside from George Carlin. Jeff Cesario, the former Dennis Miller Live co-creator and writer, performed first, then the hilarious Jim Gaffigan, followed by Lewis Black. Lewis Black is one of the most underrated comedians of the time. This guy was just so psycho last night. From the Taliban to Hawaii, he was just way too funny. He was the best part of the show, and closing was Brad Sherwood from "Whose Line?", with some other improv dude, and this was decent, and as usual, when they asked for suggestions of an occupation, the entire audience blurted out "PORN STAR!"

Mailbag- queue Paul Shaffer and the Words of Wisdom from Dr. Phil

"Kate" blinkgrl@wt.net writes,
Hey Nick,
I'm a big fan of SNL, I also write reviews. I was just reading your review on the John McCain show, and I gotta say, your pre-review teacher rant was freaking awesome, I really Identify with the types of teachers and your description of the students. But, one thing I disagree with you on is Maya Rudolph. I think she's a big asset to the show. I love the Gemini's Twin character (maybe that's because I hate destiny's child) and I love wakeup wakefield, the one in the Reese Witherspoon episode was probably one of the highlights of the season. She also does Condoliza Rice in the political sketches. But, everyone's entitled to their opinion. Anyway, you're really funny, keep up the good work.
Thanks for writing Kate, and thanks for the compliments. Maya Rudolph is rarely essential to the show. When you think about it, if she were suddenly removed from the show, would it leave a void at all? It wouldn't for me, because she's rarely in any good sketches, let alone in a sketch more than twice. The Wakefield sketches were good at first, but they're getting on my nerves at this point. As the philosopher Dennis Miller said, that's just my opinion, and I could be wrong.

Zebrahead311guy@aol.com asks,

Could you explain the process of being a cast member? What do you need to do?

Well, in a nutshell, you basically need to be funny. Once you have that around, you start going out to clubs and performing. If you're good enough there, you can travel all over the country and performing, and maybe even get picked up by an Improv-Troupe, where SNL gets most of its cast members. And when you're there, that's your best shot of getting on the show. It's a difficult process, though.

Write to the mailbag and make your life complete- pinballwizard46@yahoo.com

Let's see what's new in the world this week. Republicans hope to buck history and capture Senate control in an Election Day contest so excruciatingly close that factors as fickle as the weather may help decide the outcome. And I thought my job as the grocery clerk was a piece of shit.

Detectives foiled a plot to kidnap Victoria Beckham, the pop star wife of England soccer captain David Beckham, also known as Posh Spice, and have arrested five people. It took police this long to realize that the Spice Girls sucked?

Woody Allen says President Bush's argument for war against Iraq is unconvincing, according to French weekly newspaper. Meanwhile, Soon-Yi Previn says, "Me no likie"

HBO's campaign chronicler "Journeys With George" may portray then-Gov. George W. Bush as a beguiling charmer, but the so-called liberal media elite who showed up for a screening at the Paris Theater Tuesday weren't fooled. Yea, apparently, they turned down the show's original name of, "Wow; I can't believe people are actually gonna vote for this hick."

Even working as a Grocery Clerk at the supermarket, I've grown to a hate people, largely because I get pissed when they're looking for "Grandma Esther's All Natural Baked Beans with Low Sodium and Cholesterol and a hint of Brown Sugar," and it's right in front of them. Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but this country's so intolerant right now, they might as well change the plaque at the base of the Statue of Liberty to read, "Go the fuck back to Fuckatania."

Listen, I will accept anyone's lifestyle, appearance, belief or idiosyncrasy just as long as they don't ask me to pay for it or wanna sit next to me on a plane and talk about it.

What I do object to are fringe groups who go beyond the notion of tolerance and demand our approval. Sorry, but if you move in next door to me, and one day I look out my window and see your wife cutting the lawn with her teeth because she's a sheep, don't expect me to bring a covered dish over when you two reaffirm your vows, okay?

Intolerance leads people to do strange things: go to war, burn books, riot at soccer games, and eschew lactose, and there's never any logical reason. Most arguments made by intolerant people have all the consistency of space shuttle Thanksgiving gravy.

Why can't anyone just shut up and listen anymore? Whatever happened to the genteel art of sitting back and letting someone go on and on thinking he's right while you bask securely in the power of the knowledge that he or she is completely full of shit?

Now, today's poster boy for intolerance is Eminem. I don't think there's really anything that damaging in Eminem's lyrics. He's no more dangerous than a bleached-blond Chihuahua chewin' on an old dishrag. Eminem doesn't upset me. You know why? Because he wants to upset me. Does his rap instill hate and inspire intolerance? All I can say is, not in me. The more crudely he rages against women, the more I crave their company and counsel. The more he casts blame on corporate responsibility for global warming resulting in the dangerous shrinking of the polar ice cap, the more I realize that you now know that I'm totally full of shit and have never even listened to his music.

You see, the danger inherent in fighting intolerance is that often those attempting to eradicate it end up practicing it, only in a mutated, once-removed form. Liberals in particular are guilty of this supposedly well-meaning recidivism.

And as far as Senator Teddy Kennedy's quavering voice of righteous indignation constantly howling like a beagle at a Rick Wakeman concert at the prospect of a right wing conservative holding sway over the country's law enforcement priorities... Give it a rest, Spam head. Let's not get into your view on womens rights and the sanctity of human life, okay, because where those issues are concerned, Teddy, you may not be, uh, shall we say, in control of your own vehicle. Capice, Tay-o?

And let's not let conservatives off the hook, either. Especially the religious right. Quick show of hands: if he came down and applied, how many here think Jesus would actually be accepted into Bob Jones University? C'mon, they'd beat the shit out of a long haired, peace-and-love hippy before he could turn the first cheek.

I think the truth is that you can never make everyone happy. The same people who scream about the freedom of choice for a woman to do what she wants with her body are forcing people who want their body to have a cigarette out into the streets to smoke. Some people who are against the death penalty are so adamant that they would electrocute those who are for it, and some of those who pray for the lives of the unborn also recite an extra "Our Father" when a clinic is bombed.

Look, tolerance does not mean you agree with everything that other people say, or that you subordinate your own best instincts to the tyranny of mass opinion. It simply means you pretend not to know that everyone on the planet but you is a total fucking moron.

The most unforgivable thing about intolerance is, by its inherent assumption that one group, belief or lifestyle is superior to another, it fails to take into account the ultimate truth which binds us all, black and white, Republican and Democrat, Arab and Israeli, Hindu and Muslim, Catholic and Protestant, Serb and Croat, Hutu and Tutsi: the fact that, at the end of the day, we are all equal pains-in-the-ass, in the eyes of the Lord.

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

I wanna know what you think America. Give me a ring at pinballwizard46@yahoo.com

Tonight's guest is the star of the NBC sitcom "Will and Grace." Please welcome Eric McCormack.

 

[COLD OPENING] Rudy Guliani Life After Politics

Now, this had the chance to reek with hilarity, but fell very much short. Darrell's impression was no where near as good as it has been. It was funny at first, and had some good lines, but really fell apart at the end and wasn't that funny. And, may I say that the midterm elections are upon us, and those of you living in New York such as myself, should get out and vote for Carl McCall. This man really has a true plan for NY; more jobs to bring to the Upstate economy, stop letting criminals from NYC come to Albany, a new education plan, and raising the minimum wage. Now, Pataki is a republican, and he's moderate, and I have a soft spot for moderates, but I think it's time for a change. And Tom Gollisano can just bend over cause he's a dumbass. Skit wasn't terrible.

RATING: 7/10

[MONOLOGUE] Eric McCormack

I don't want to be repetitive so I won't define the word MONOlogue. I don't mind the Q & A format all the time, but this was just stupid. Some of it was funny, but not enough. Kattan makes his usual one appearance per show here, and it wasn't that bad actually. And Will likes the boobs!

RATING: 5/10

[SKETCH] The Bachelor

Well, folks. This is what we've come to. What could've been a good skit wasn't that funny. Somehow, Will resisting Rachel is all too funny. Save Amber, everything wasn't too great. Maya plays the dumb bitch in the sketch as usual. See, she clearly likes Eric McCormack, and that's cool, but then she actually tried to have sex with him on tv, and that's not cool. Now, the true savor of this skit was the commercial and "Last Chance Tuesday's." That was true genious.

RATING: 6.5/10

[SKETCH] The Celebrity Game

On the contrary to what a lot of people thought, I liked this skit. Funny, in a twisted way. "Who the balls wrote Felix Mendelson!" Her maniacal rage at the end was funny, although it may have been childish. And Rachel's in like 2 skits tonight. What's next? Dean Edwards is gonna start being extras in skits?!

RATING: 7.5/10

[COMMERCIAL] Campaign Ads

I could see where this was going and it just got repetitive. Not hilarious but still not too bad.

RATING: 5/10

[SKETCH] American Morning

Can you dig this? Fey's in a sketch, and she's headlining it. Earlier in the week, Amy must've been disappointed that she lost the Zahn impression to Fey. But Fey was extremely hot. I was in her dressing room last year as well, when she was in another sketch, the sleepover one from Dunst. And she was in her pajamas then. Like woah. And I talked to her and asked if she could dig me and she was like uhhh sorry dude I'm married. But then she made out with Eric, and I was all, say wha??? So I wasn't too happy. Parnell was good and I think if I see Rachel again tonight I'm gonna shit my pants in total surprise. Oh yea, Amy was good too.

RATING: 6.5/10

[COMMERCIAL] Campaign Ads

This one got a little funnier.

RATING: 7/10

[MUSIC] Jay Z featuring Lenny Kravitz

Lenny Kravitz is close to total coolness. He's amazing. Jay Z, ummm, yeaaa. A great rock star and a rap star performing the same song?! What am I supposed to do!?

RATING: 5/10

[WEEKEND UPDATE] With Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey

I'd say 90% of the jokes/commentaries were good. The David Guest and Gonzo jokes cracked me up, and Jeff Richards naked is not cool. DO NOT CONTINUE. Gene Shalit went on way too long and was a DUD for the most part. Phil Collins thing sucked, but since Phil and Genesis are godlike, I accept the badness of this. So Update was pretty funny.

RATING: 8.5/10

[SKETCH] Crazy Court

Like, that actual set was used during the Dunst show, and I was like 10 feet away from it, so that just reeks of coolness. I thought it started out stupid at first, but it did get rather funny. Go McCall!

RATING: 6/10

[SKETCH] Radio Show

So, I liked this skit that was full of funny voices. I can see this recurring. Some good stuff here, and oddly enough, we haven't seen a whole lot of Fallon yet.

RATING: 6/10

[SKETCH] John Hancock Insurance

So yea, they leave this at the end of the show and it was funny. What's not funny is the fact that as I'm typing this, I've got about 5 hours of homework ahead of me, and that's not cool.

RATING: 8/10

[COMMERCIAL] Campaign Ads

Three's Enough, or was it Three's Company?

RATING: 7/10

[MUSIC] Jay Z featuring Lenny Kravitz and Beyonce

You're song has become tiresome. Now is the time on Sprockets ven ve dance.

[SKETCH] Jackass the Musical

Yea, so basically clothes on nation tv are nice, yea. This wasn't too bad for filler.

RATING: 5/10

[SKETCH] Subway Fred

Good grief this was bad. Tracy shouldn't be allowed in a sketch with Maya because Tracy is funny, and should do funny things with other funny people.

RATING: 3.5/10

 

SKETCH OF THE NIGHT: The Celebrity Game

PLAYER OF THE NIGHT: Rachel Dratch

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: Tina Fey on Weekend Update, "A tabloid reported this week that Britney Spears' New York restaurant, Nyla, is in trouble and may close after just four months. In happier news, Christina Aguilera's filthy hotdog wagon is going strong."

 

OVERALL EPISODE RATING: 65/100

So to an extent, it was a disappointment. There wasn't one skit or joke that REALLY stood out tonight, and the material wasn't great. I had some good ideas that SNL could've done with the show, but they didn't think of it. Our good friend Don Pardo had to actually mention the movie that next week's guest was in because no one knows who she is (props to Tina for getting a good host next week). Until then, get out and vote Democratic!

Guess what folks? That's the news and I am outta here