Eric McCormack / Jay-Z
November 2, 2002

By Greg Haledjian & Alex Carian

Hi kids. Just to let you all know, this is not fucking e-bay, a ratings from the fucking Daily show, a Calgary Flames info sheet, a section area, and not a place to go over the fucking sports page. I am actually making fun of the 5 people in front of me from last weeks show, minus one or two of them. I get pissed off when they have marathon reviews that are pointless as hell that talk about e-bay items, I'm sorry, but this goddam review site is not a place to waste time like that. Keep reading for some off topic stuff.

 

So recently in music Nirvana has come out with a new single, entitled "You know your right." Amazing song, I know. I was recently downloading a song from Nirvana and I see on Kazaa, Courtney Love- You know your right (acoustic). I downloaded it and I was shocked and how that bitch, Courtney, could actually cover Nirvana. What a bitch. I wish I could just hit her in the face. Come on, I know you, the viewer, would do the same. She's got all the money from Nirvana, and after 8 fucking years we get one new song. Just a .45 that's all I ask. What a bitch.

Okay, I want to get into the season as of now, it's time just to analyze it so you, the viewer at home, can sort of put into perspective what we here are thinking. So, to assist me for the analysis is commentator and good friend all the way from California, Alex.

Greg: Okay, SNL is 3 shows in on its new season and a lot of things have happened for the show, what is, in your opinion, the most interesting to come out of the season.

Alex: Well, for one even though she's been in the credits for like 10 shows already, I feel having Amy Poehler in the cast member status and her not in the featured player role, also she's just hot. I think the NRA one also was good.

Greg: Which one was that.

Alex: I'm not sure, I just think it was a good commercial

Writer for SNL: What kind of fucking review has commentary like that, 'I'm not sure, I think it was good.' Pure crap dude.

Greg: Just to remind you, SNL writer, don't you guys have Jack Handy still making his dumb segment at 12:50 every week?

Writer for SNL: Okay, my cameo time is over, I stand here, a very, very wrong man.

Greg: Okay, will somebody close the dam door upstairs, no more people in the room. Spazo Tom, shut the door.

Spazo Tom: Sweet Pete, don't I even get a question, I make one of the best segments on the show, my update, and you don't even include me and all you want me to do is shut the door.

Greg: Okay, fine, Spazo Tom, who do you think should go into syndication between you and me to work at Annie's website that ended in 2000??

Spazo Tom:.okay, I guess I'll be seeing everyone later in the review, no comment on that one. No offence Annie, but your sites over and there's practically nothing left from the 2000-2001 season, except well this review. Later folks.

Greg: Alex, you still there.

Alex: Yeah.

Greg: Okay the first 3 shows, what was the worst skit??

Alex: I think you put one of these down, but it was the Smurfette show and the Versace Hotpockets. What do you think.

Greg: I think that all those were bad, alongside a lot of the Matt Damon show too. By the way folks, we're just teenagers writing up a weekly review, we're not related with the show in any way. It may seem, but we're not. Alex, one more thing and I'll let you go. Of the entire cast, who do you like the most??

Alex: Greg; you've mentioned his name the most even though he's gone, but I think Will Ferrel. He is like haunting the show. A lot of his sketch characters are being replaced and some are getting laughs and some aren't and I just feel that his presence not in the Studio is leaving SNL wounded.

Greg: Dude, totally agreeing. Okay, thanks for that Alex, I'll see you later on in the show.
Alright, now some old school commentary this is like 2000 all over again. I'm going solo for a little while. I'm going to indent, I don't need this conversation type format anymore.

Whew, that's better. Alright, the first 3 shows. What a train wreck. I can see the shows this season being either great or shitty. The cast either is going to be funny as hell or not. The featured players are really showing a lot of improvement compared to the featured players from seasons past. One featured player has a recurring character and another one has the name Will. All we need is the name of Lukeitodd Ferrell and I think SNL is set this season for featured players.

Upcoming News:
Well last weeks show I said that there is rumors of an alumni hosting and I said it'd be big. Unfortunately they cancelled for that show. I hope they'll bring him back for a show. I'm not going to say who that host is, but tune in for future weeks and more upcoming news to read about the host.

November 2, 2002- Eric McCormack and Jay-Z (tonight)
November 9, 2002- Nia Vardalos and Eve
November 16, 2002- Brittany Murphy and Nelly

The 16th show is not totally confirmed yet. So wait, Jay-Z, Nelly, and Eve. If they air all those 3 shows, that's 3 rap performance shows in a row. Ugh. I thought November Sweeps means good TV, not crap TV. The good thing is that I can at least hit Mute while its on, that's the only good thing I can think of. I hope they have Brittany Murphy on, shes pretty hot. Okay, not for a role outside of his usual Jolly Rancher Segment and Analysis segment, here's Alex following in the footsteps of past reviewers and comedians with the premiere of what I hope to be a recurring segment over the season, here's Alex with a rant.

 

Alex: Hi everybody, good to be back, Today's rant is on Dr. Phil and his new show. I'm sorry if anyone out there enjoys watching that mindless slop, but bear with me, I will make this funny and entertaining without being a freakin' egomaniac.
Dr. Phil. Well well, Texas Justice has nothing over you. I swear, you make people tear up before they even start to speak on camera! What the hell do you do, show them footage from "Lassie", the part where Lassie dies? Or do all of your guests have allergies and they can't help but have tears streaming from their eyes. We'll never know. First, you act like you're a "real, no-nonsense, straight-shooting" kind of guy. Right afterward, you go into some nonsensical psycho-babble BS about their "personal problems" and all of their "emotional baggage". Sure, straight-shooter, as in, "I'll shoot you straight through your heart on national television". Especially the topics you choose, you'd NEVER guess that your target demographic is white, stay-at-home moms. Topics like, "Paralyzing Phobias" and "Terrifying Eating Disorders" And its not even funny. If I wanted to see crying, I'd go to my family's Thanksgiving dinner. At least on Ricki Lake there's jumping and screaming and people experiencing sudden loss of bladder control because they saw a cotton swab or maybe a Scotch tape dispenser. Stuff that has at least a little entertainment value, instead of this mindless soccer-mom fluff. My challenge to you all is to change the channel when this pompous overrated shrink-in-disguise pops up on the TV screen. That's all, but I'll be back!

Greg: Hey, that was great man. I'll see you later in the show with the Jolly Rancher thing. Later man.

Note to everyone: Soccer season is over for my school, which means more time to write reviews, which means in the later weeks these reviews will be jam packed with stuff, if anyone would like to be in the review and have there own segment, simply send an email to: greghaledjian460@hotmail.com. Post your name and segment and it will be in the following review.

Okay, now another recurring segment by none other than Alex. Back for Round 3 tonight. Give it up for Alex.

Alex: That was a quick 10 lines. Now, for those who don't know what the Jolly Rancher Test is, read the disclaimer and directions.

What's your Jolly Rancher?

Welcome to the Jolly Rancher Personality Test! This is a test to see what kind of Jolly Rancher fits your personality best. First, choose your favorite flavor.

Disclaimer: This test was designed for entertainment purposes only. Any actual truth this test holds is purely coincidental. I'm sure there should be all kinds of legal babble, but I'm no lawyer. Basically, don't take this too seriously. Because we aren't responsible for any bodily harm that stems from reading this test. Thank you.

The Original Jolly Rancher Flavors are:
Cherry
Grape
Apple
Watermelon
Lemon
You have the above choices and Don't like candy

And the answers to the flavors are below.

This weeks flavor is: Apple

Apple ­ If you like Apple, you are a pawn of the government. You may have the American Flag tattooed across your ugly ass with the words, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way." You may think this makes you one bad motherfucker, but the only thing it does is make the people around you nauseous. Your armpits smell like an anchovy's cunt and rotten eggs. The smartest thing you can do today is jump out of a very tall building.

 

Previous Flavors were:

Cherry - You are a person with lots of ambition. That is why you aspire to screw everyone you meet by lunchtime. Most of the people you meet think you are an asshole, so you usually end up jacking off in a McDonald's restroom. You are a pretentious, underachieving slob. As the only highlight of your pointless life, you may hold public office or become a gigolo.

Grape - Since grape is the only really dark flavor, you may be an extreme pessimist or worship Satan. Grape is a flavor disliked by most people, so you probably have really crappy taste. Take down those naked pictures of Chris Farley you have hanging in your room.

Greg: Thanks for that Alex, and now lets start SNL tonight, onto the pre-show.

Pre-show: Okay, tonight's show features Eric McCormack and Jay-Z. Rumors on SNL are saying that Lenny Kravitz and Beyonce Knowles will also be performing along side Jay-Z. That actually might make me tune into Jay-Z, because if you've been reading this review the past 3 years, I have a negative liking for rappers and I was pretty disappointed that SNL starts off the rap season tonight, but as long as Rocker Lenny and Bangin' Beyonce are up there, it shouldn't be that bad. In 2001, one of the stars from Will and Grace was on SNL, his name was Sean Hayes. Tonight Eric, from Will and Grace is up there. When Sean came out in the monologue I was thinking, okay he plays a gay guy on TV, but tonight he's straight for 90 minutes. The show was actually pretty good. One of the best of the season. There's this weird feeling I feel when I hear Eric McCormack just cause when SNL has hosts they rarely have the major star of the show. And, well Erics name on the show is first and that's why I consider him the star and that's one of the reasons I feel that tonight's show won't be that good tonight. Okay, well we'll have to see how it all unravels (SAT WORD), so lets start the show.

Opening: Commercial Ads from Rudy Guiliani
-Does anybody really give a shit about Rudy anymore? I'm sorry, but the only thing he did was help for 9/11 and his past 7 3/4 years in the office were bad. His work effort for New York City was just average, but after 9/11, that's when it counted, but to have Darrel endlessly on SNL do an impression of him. It's just getting old and the last time I laughed was the skit in 2001 at the end of the season.
-By mocking bad commercials, do they expect this to be funny, which it was not.
-Who names their kid Heimrich by the way??
Grade: D

Mono: Eric McCormack
-So, wait, isn't this is a comedy show.
-Yeah, that last line is for all of SNL for every monologue this season. All were lame, including this one. Hosts should never want to get into the question type part of the show.
-I liked Kattan coming on, I hope they do Mango in the show. That'd be awesome.
Grade: C-

Skit: The Bachelor
-Hey, Sean was right, they do mock the Bachelor. And I got to admit, they did a good job.
-Eric's character was funny. The scene with him and Rachel in the pool was really funny with him sleeping.
-Amys character, the one legged girl, is back. Dam, she's hot.
-Oh yeah, that little mini-commercial with Jim Belushi, John Ritter, and Bonnie Hunt. That might have been one of the funniest things this season. The last chance Tuesday thing is classic SNL right there.
Grade: B+

Skit: Games??
-Good skit, first time that I can recall Rachel coming out of her usual roles and going crazy on the screen. Chris Farley type crazy.
Grade: B

Comm: Political Thing
-Decent.
-Nothing more than Decent.
Grade: C

Sketch: CNN- American Morning with Paula Zahn
-If they want to do a news sketch, why don't they do Today and have Eric impersonate Matt Lauer, he looks really like him more than whoever he was impersonating in the skit right now.
-Rare Non-Update sketch for Tina Fey and I was shocked to actually see her in a sketch.
-I don't know how the crowd found it so funny, I thought maybe there were 2 funny parts.
-Classic- Amys face remarks when she sees Eric and Tina when they cut to her scene.
Grade: C-

Political Thing #2
-Same as before
Grade: C

Interlude part 1: by me
Okay, shitty and shitty and 1 skit with some laughs. That's it. Why are they only using Amy and Maya in like every skit. Theres like 15 other people on this show. Mix it the fuck up. Back to the show.

Music: Jay-Z featuring Lenny Kravitz
-Oh yeah, if your not in with all the music news, the shirt that Jay-Z wore was a RUN DMC shit saying Jam Master Jay in recognizance of his passing. He died this past week.
-I liked Lennys vocals at the end. You know I'm not a rap fan, so the grade gets a: C

Update: Fey 'n Fallon
-Highlights included: 2012 Olympics in New York City, German Bed, Liza/David on E!, and the Grover joke.
-I did not like the Gene Shalit bit, sorry Horatio, and I had a real disliking for it last season when they had Kattan doing it there too.
-What's with the annoying laughs in the crowd tonight??
-The Baby K thing sucked as well. I think Jeff Richards did the impression.
-At the end when they do their taglines, Tina announced Jimmy's name first and then hers, rare thing.
Grade: B (lowest grade of there 43 Updates from the past 3 seasons)

Sketch: Bullhorn in a Court
-WTF
Grade: D

Comm: Political Thing #3
-This one wasn't bad, some laughs.
-I liked the part where they gave out Andy Talaricos number.
Grade: C+

Skit: Joey Mac and the Fuzz
-With a title like this, is anybody surprised that it sucked.
-I liked that they played Alice in Chains music for the background music.
-Impressive change of voices by Jimmy, but this was overall pretty shitty.
Grade: C-

Comm: John Hancock Life Insurance
-I have no clue how to explain this one.
-Try this: Put Eric+ Rachel+ Bad Comedy+ Shit= and you get this.
Grade: D

Interlude part 2: by me
Would anybody really be surprised if I retired right now. I swear, I'm wasting my time here. It's D, C, C, D's all night. And to make it more of a shitty show, its got rap on it. Let's see if the last 20 can maybe pull up the show.

Music: Jay-Z featuring Lenny Kravitz and Beyonce Knowles- "Bonnie and Clyde"
-Not bad, not as good as the first song though.
Grade: C

Skit: Jackass: The Musical
-Very, very short.
-Eric was pretty close at his impersonation of Johnny. Seth was good as Steve O. too.
-The Panda bit was funny, but I think this skit could have been much better.
Grade: C, this was definitely half-assed by the writers.

Skit: Crap
-Recurring from the SMG show.
-Totally not funny.
Grade: F

Closing Credits: Nothing except when Eric thanked the cast he said this, "I'm going to have everyone's baby." Creepy line.

After-show: Well, it's hard to say which was worse, this show or Matt Damon show. I'll figure that out by next week. Umtoo much lame skits and commercials. Music sucked. Update was not its usual self. The cast was not used at all. Kattan, Fallon, Tracy were all in only 1 skit each and sucked at it. I thought Mango would have been on, but was disappointed. That sucks.

Actor/Actress of the Night: Amy Poehler
Best of the Night: Games, The Bachelor, Jackass: the Musical (Note- the first time ever Update is not on here.)
Worst of the Night: Bullhorn skit, John Hancock Insurance, Opening, Joey Mac and the Fuzz, Crap.

Lines of the Night:
From the Bachelor skit:
"I thought about that question you asked me the other night, and yes, I do have a dog." Maya as Bethany to Eric McCormack as the Bachelor

From the Games sketch:
"Who the balls put Felix Mendelson."- Rachel to the crowd of people on who put in Felix for a celebrity game.

From Update:
"A tabloid reported this week that Britney Spears' New York restaurant, Nyla, is in trouble and may close after just four months. In happier news, Christina Aguilera's filthy hotdog wagon is going strong."- Tina Fey

"Musician Moby has created a book club for fans attending his concerts, in which they bring a used book and take one from a communal pile. Moby said he got the idea after his fans told him the most exciting thing to do at one of his concerts is read."- Jimmy Fallon

Overall Grade: C

And that's the show. Tune in next week for Jolly Rancher test, some big upcoming hosting gigs. You'll never guess whos hosting in December. Okay, next weeks show has Nia Vardalos and Eve. More rap, great (sarcastic as hell).

See you next week. Goodnight.