McCormack / Jay-Z
November 2, 2002
Haledjian & Alex Carian
Hi kids. Just to let you all
know, this is not fucking e-bay, a ratings from the fucking Daily
show, a Calgary Flames info sheet, a section area, and not a
place to go over the fucking sports page. I am actually making
fun of the 5 people in front of me from last weeks show, minus
one or two of them. I get pissed off when they have marathon
reviews that are pointless as hell that talk about e-bay items,
I'm sorry, but this goddam review site is not a place to waste
time like that. Keep reading for some off topic stuff.
So recently in music Nirvana
has come out with a new single, entitled "You know your
right." Amazing song, I know. I was recently downloading
a song from Nirvana and I see on Kazaa, Courtney Love- You know
your right (acoustic). I downloaded it and I was shocked and
how that bitch, Courtney, could actually cover Nirvana. What
a bitch. I wish I could just hit her in the face. Come on, I
know you, the viewer, would do the same. She's got all the money
from Nirvana, and after 8 fucking years we get one new song.
Just a .45 that's all I ask. What a bitch.
Okay, I want to get into the
season as of now, it's time just to analyze it so you, the viewer
at home, can sort of put into perspective what we here are thinking.
So, to assist me for the analysis is commentator and good friend
all the way from California, Alex.
Greg: Okay, SNL is 3 shows in
on its new season and a lot of things have happened for the show,
what is, in your opinion, the most interesting to come out of
Alex: Well, for one even though
she's been in the credits for like 10 shows already, I feel having
Amy Poehler in the cast member status and her not in the featured
player role, also she's just hot. I think the NRA one also was
Greg: Which one was that.
Alex: I'm not sure, I just think
it was a good commercial
Writer for SNL: What kind of
fucking review has commentary like that, 'I'm not sure, I think
it was good.' Pure crap dude.
Greg: Just to remind you, SNL
writer, don't you guys have Jack Handy still making his dumb
segment at 12:50 every week?
Writer for SNL: Okay, my cameo
time is over, I stand here, a very, very wrong man.
Greg: Okay, will somebody close
the dam door upstairs, no more people in the room. Spazo Tom,
shut the door.
Spazo Tom: Sweet Pete, don't
I even get a question, I make one of the best segments on the
show, my update, and you don't even include me and all you want
me to do is shut the door.
Greg: Okay, fine, Spazo Tom,
who do you think should go into syndication between you and me
to work at Annie's website that ended in 2000??
Spazo Tom:.okay, I guess I'll
be seeing everyone later in the review, no comment on that one.
No offence Annie, but your sites over and there's practically
nothing left from the 2000-2001 season, except well this review.
Greg: Alex, you still there.
Greg: Okay the first 3 shows,
what was the worst skit??
Alex: I think you put one of
these down, but it was the Smurfette show and the Versace Hotpockets.
What do you think.
Greg: I think that all those
were bad, alongside a lot of the Matt Damon show too. By the
way folks, we're just teenagers writing up a weekly review, we're
not related with the show in any way. It may seem, but we're
not. Alex, one more thing and I'll let you go. Of the entire
cast, who do you like the most??
Alex: Greg; you've mentioned
his name the most even though he's gone, but I think Will Ferrel.
He is like haunting the show. A lot of his sketch characters
are being replaced and some are getting laughs and some aren't
and I just feel that his presence not in the Studio is leaving
Greg: Dude, totally agreeing.
Okay, thanks for that Alex, I'll see you later on in the show.
Alright, now some old school commentary this is like 2000 all
over again. I'm going solo for a little while. I'm going to indent,
I don't need this conversation type format anymore.
Whew, that's better. Alright,
the first 3 shows. What a train wreck. I can see the shows this
season being either great or shitty. The cast either is going
to be funny as hell or not. The featured players are really showing
a lot of improvement compared to the featured players from seasons
past. One featured player has a recurring character and another
one has the name Will. All we need is the name of Lukeitodd Ferrell
and I think SNL is set this season for featured players.
Well last weeks show I said that there is rumors of an alumni
hosting and I said it'd be big. Unfortunately they cancelled
for that show. I hope they'll bring him back for a show. I'm
not going to say who that host is, but tune in for future weeks
and more upcoming news to read about the host.
November 2, 2002- Eric McCormack
and Jay-Z (tonight)
November 9, 2002- Nia Vardalos and Eve
November 16, 2002- Brittany Murphy and Nelly
The 16th show is not totally
confirmed yet. So wait, Jay-Z, Nelly, and Eve. If they air all
those 3 shows, that's 3 rap performance shows in a row. Ugh.
I thought November Sweeps means good TV, not crap TV. The good
thing is that I can at least hit Mute while its on, that's the
only good thing I can think of. I hope they have Brittany Murphy
on, shes pretty hot. Okay, not for a role outside of his usual
Jolly Rancher Segment and Analysis segment, here's Alex following
in the footsteps of past reviewers and comedians with the premiere
of what I hope to be a recurring segment over the season, here's
Alex with a rant.
Alex: Hi everybody, good to be
back, Today's rant is on Dr. Phil and his new show. I'm sorry
if anyone out there enjoys watching that mindless slop, but bear
with me, I will make this funny and entertaining without being
a freakin' egomaniac.
Dr. Phil. Well well, Texas Justice has nothing over you. I swear,
you make people tear up before they even start to speak on camera!
What the hell do you do, show them footage from "Lassie",
the part where Lassie dies? Or do all of your guests have allergies
and they can't help but have tears streaming from their eyes.
We'll never know. First, you act like you're a "real, no-nonsense,
straight-shooting" kind of guy. Right afterward, you go
into some nonsensical psycho-babble BS about their "personal
problems" and all of their "emotional baggage".
Sure, straight-shooter, as in, "I'll shoot you straight
through your heart on national television". Especially the
topics you choose, you'd NEVER guess that your target demographic
is white, stay-at-home moms. Topics like, "Paralyzing Phobias"
and "Terrifying Eating Disorders" And its not even
funny. If I wanted to see crying, I'd go to my family's Thanksgiving
dinner. At least on Ricki Lake there's jumping and screaming
and people experiencing sudden loss of bladder control because
they saw a cotton swab or maybe a Scotch tape dispenser. Stuff
that has at least a little entertainment value, instead of this
mindless soccer-mom fluff. My challenge to you all is to change
the channel when this pompous overrated shrink-in-disguise pops
up on the TV screen. That's all, but I'll be back!
Greg: Hey, that was great man.
I'll see you later in the show with the Jolly Rancher thing.
Note to everyone: Soccer season
is over for my school, which means more time to write reviews,
which means in the later weeks these reviews will be jam packed
with stuff, if anyone would like to be in the review and have
there own segment, simply send an email to: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Post your name and segment and it will be in the following review.
Okay, now another recurring segment
by none other than Alex. Back for Round 3 tonight. Give it up
Alex: That was a quick 10 lines.
Now, for those who don't know what the Jolly Rancher Test is,
read the disclaimer and directions.
What's your Jolly Rancher?
Welcome to the Jolly Rancher
Personality Test! This is a test to see what kind of Jolly Rancher
fits your personality best. First, choose your favorite flavor.
Disclaimer: This test was designed
for entertainment purposes only. Any actual truth this test holds
is purely coincidental. I'm sure there should be all kinds of
legal babble, but I'm no lawyer. Basically, don't take this too
seriously. Because we aren't responsible for any bodily harm
that stems from reading this test. Thank you.
The Original Jolly Rancher Flavors
You have the above choices and Don't like candy
And the answers to the flavors
This weeks flavor is: Apple
Apple If you like Apple,
you are a pawn of the government. You may have the American Flag
tattooed across your ugly ass with the words, "Lead, follow,
or get out of the way." You may think this makes you one
bad motherfucker, but the only thing it does is make the people
around you nauseous. Your armpits smell like an anchovy's cunt
and rotten eggs. The smartest thing you can do today is jump
out of a very tall building.
Previous Flavors were:
Cherry - You are a person with
lots of ambition. That is why you aspire to screw everyone you
meet by lunchtime. Most of the people you meet think you are
an asshole, so you usually end up jacking off in a McDonald's
restroom. You are a pretentious, underachieving slob. As the
only highlight of your pointless life, you may hold public office
or become a gigolo.
Grape - Since grape is the only
really dark flavor, you may be an extreme pessimist or worship
Satan. Grape is a flavor disliked by most people, so you probably
have really crappy taste. Take down those naked pictures of Chris
Farley you have hanging in your room.
Greg: Thanks for that Alex, and
now lets start SNL tonight, onto the pre-show.
Pre-show: Okay, tonight's show
features Eric McCormack and Jay-Z. Rumors on SNL are saying that
Lenny Kravitz and Beyonce Knowles will also be performing along
side Jay-Z. That actually might make me tune into Jay-Z, because
if you've been reading this review the past 3 years, I have a
negative liking for rappers and I was pretty disappointed that
SNL starts off the rap season tonight, but as long as Rocker
Lenny and Bangin' Beyonce are up there, it shouldn't be that
bad. In 2001, one of the stars from Will and Grace was on SNL,
his name was Sean Hayes. Tonight Eric, from Will and Grace is
up there. When Sean came out in the monologue I was thinking,
okay he plays a gay guy on TV, but tonight he's straight for
90 minutes. The show was actually pretty good. One of the best
of the season. There's this weird feeling I feel when I hear
Eric McCormack just cause when SNL has hosts they rarely have
the major star of the show. And, well Erics name on the show
is first and that's why I consider him the star and that's one
of the reasons I feel that tonight's show won't be that good
tonight. Okay, well we'll have to see how it all unravels (SAT
WORD), so lets start the show.
Opening: Commercial Ads from
-Does anybody really give a shit about Rudy anymore? I'm sorry,
but the only thing he did was help for 9/11 and his past 7 3/4
years in the office were bad. His work effort for New York City
was just average, but after 9/11, that's when it counted, but
to have Darrel endlessly on SNL do an impression of him. It's
just getting old and the last time I laughed was the skit in
2001 at the end of the season.
-By mocking bad commercials, do they expect this to be funny,
which it was not.
-Who names their kid Heimrich by the way??
Mono: Eric McCormack
-So, wait, isn't this is a comedy show.
-Yeah, that last line is for all of SNL for every monologue this
season. All were lame, including this one. Hosts should never
want to get into the question type part of the show.
-I liked Kattan coming on, I hope they do Mango in the show.
That'd be awesome.
Skit: The Bachelor
-Hey, Sean was right, they do mock the Bachelor. And I got to
admit, they did a good job.
-Eric's character was funny. The scene with him and Rachel in
the pool was really funny with him sleeping.
-Amys character, the one legged girl, is back. Dam, she's hot.
-Oh yeah, that little mini-commercial with Jim Belushi, John
Ritter, and Bonnie Hunt. That might have been one of the funniest
things this season. The last chance Tuesday thing is classic
SNL right there.
-Good skit, first time that I can recall Rachel coming out of
her usual roles and going crazy on the screen. Chris Farley type
Comm: Political Thing
-Nothing more than Decent.
Sketch: CNN- American Morning
with Paula Zahn
-If they want to do a news sketch, why don't they do Today and
have Eric impersonate Matt Lauer, he looks really like him more
than whoever he was impersonating in the skit right now.
-Rare Non-Update sketch for Tina Fey and I was shocked to actually
see her in a sketch.
-I don't know how the crowd found it so funny, I thought maybe
there were 2 funny parts.
-Classic- Amys face remarks when she sees Eric and Tina when
they cut to her scene.
Political Thing #2
-Same as before
Interlude part 1: by me
Okay, shitty and shitty and 1 skit with some laughs. That's it.
Why are they only using Amy and Maya in like every skit. Theres
like 15 other people on this show. Mix it the fuck up. Back to
Music: Jay-Z featuring Lenny
-Oh yeah, if your not in with all the music news, the shirt that
Jay-Z wore was a RUN DMC shit saying Jam Master Jay in recognizance
of his passing. He died this past week.
-I liked Lennys vocals at the end. You know I'm not a rap fan,
so the grade gets a: C
Update: Fey 'n Fallon
-Highlights included: 2012 Olympics in New York City, German
Bed, Liza/David on E!, and the Grover joke.
-I did not like the Gene Shalit bit, sorry Horatio, and I had
a real disliking for it last season when they had Kattan doing
it there too.
-What's with the annoying laughs in the crowd tonight??
-The Baby K thing sucked as well. I think Jeff Richards did the
-At the end when they do their taglines, Tina announced Jimmy's
name first and then hers, rare thing.
Grade: B (lowest grade of there 43 Updates from the past 3 seasons)
Sketch: Bullhorn in a Court
Comm: Political Thing #3
-This one wasn't bad, some laughs.
-I liked the part where they gave out Andy Talaricos number.
Skit: Joey Mac and the Fuzz
-With a title like this, is anybody surprised that it sucked.
-I liked that they played Alice in Chains music for the background
-Impressive change of voices by Jimmy, but this was overall pretty
Comm: John Hancock Life Insurance
-I have no clue how to explain this one.
-Try this: Put Eric+ Rachel+ Bad Comedy+ Shit= and you get this.
Interlude part 2: by me
Would anybody really be surprised if I retired right now. I swear,
I'm wasting my time here. It's D, C, C, D's all night. And to
make it more of a shitty show, its got rap on it. Let's see if
the last 20 can maybe pull up the show.
Music: Jay-Z featuring Lenny
Kravitz and Beyonce Knowles- "Bonnie and Clyde"
-Not bad, not as good as the first song though.
Skit: Jackass: The Musical
-Very, very short.
-Eric was pretty close at his impersonation of Johnny. Seth was
good as Steve O. too.
-The Panda bit was funny, but I think this skit could have been
Grade: C, this was definitely half-assed by the writers.
-Recurring from the SMG show.
-Totally not funny.
Closing Credits: Nothing except
when Eric thanked the cast he said this, "I'm going to have
everyone's baby." Creepy line.
After-show: Well, it's hard to
say which was worse, this show or Matt Damon show. I'll figure
that out by next week. Umtoo much lame skits and commercials.
Music sucked. Update was not its usual self. The cast was not
used at all. Kattan, Fallon, Tracy were all in only 1 skit each
and sucked at it. I thought Mango would have been on, but was
disappointed. That sucks.
Actor/Actress of the Night: Amy
Best of the Night: Games, The Bachelor, Jackass: the Musical
(Note- the first time ever Update is not on here.)
Worst of the Night: Bullhorn skit, John Hancock Insurance, Opening,
Joey Mac and the Fuzz, Crap.
Lines of the Night:
From the Bachelor skit:
"I thought about that question you asked me the other night,
and yes, I do have a dog." Maya as Bethany to Eric McCormack
as the Bachelor
From the Games sketch:
"Who the balls put Felix Mendelson."- Rachel to the
crowd of people on who put in Felix for a celebrity game.
"A tabloid reported this week that Britney Spears' New York
restaurant, Nyla, is in trouble and may close after just four
months. In happier news, Christina Aguilera's filthy hotdog wagon
is going strong."- Tina Fey
"Musician Moby has created
a book club for fans attending his concerts, in which they bring
a used book and take one from a communal pile. Moby said he got
the idea after his fans told him the most exciting thing to do
at one of his concerts is read."- Jimmy Fallon
Overall Grade: C
And that's the show. Tune in
next week for Jolly Rancher test, some big upcoming hosting gigs.
You'll never guess whos hosting in December. Okay, next weeks
show has Nia Vardalos and Eve. More rap, great (sarcastic as
See you next week. Goodnight.