Eric McCormack / Jay-Z
November 2, 2002

By Ally

Well, I'm back. I had a rather uneventful weekend. I finally found out that the White Stripes are siblings...GAHH he's hot. Wow. I just want to throw him down on the floor. Good Lord. But, I'm really excited because there's only a week and a half until Chamber of Secrets comes out and I get to see my beloved...Sean Biggerstaff....holy shit. Wowza. Anyway, I'm getting off track. Let's see what this show will yield...

SNL QUOTE FROM SEASON'S PAST:
"It reminds me of those WW2 specials on A&E, about secret Soviet commando units who can kill people with their own hair."

PRESHOW THOUGHTS
I love Eric McCormack. I think he's gorgeous and also a great actor. Plus he's gorgeous...wow...damn...holy shit...okay getting off track AGAIN! Also I like Jayz more than Nas, so suck on that ha ha ha. However, the writing on this show has been in a steady decline. Get on the stick, Tina!!! It's like you took a vacation since you guys won best writing...

COLD OPEN: GIULIANI'S PLUGS
SYNOPSIS: Giuliani (Darrell) does commercials for random politicians and most of the time doesn't even know who they are.
THE WORD: I love Darrell as Giuliani, but this was kind of weak. However, it makes sense that they're doing this kind of sketch. There's been enough of these to make me want to rip my hair out. But Seth and Will were cute filler, and I liked the ending with the syllables. Audience, WAKE UP!
QUOTES:
"What lies?!"
"The House of Representatives is a bitch!"

GRADE: B-

MONOLOGUE
SYNOPSIS: Eric McCormack fields questions from "straight" men and finally blows up at the fact that they all think he's gay.
THE WORD: I KNEW this was coming. I loved it when he jumped in the air. It was so cute! The guy in the bondage gear was hysterical, and MANGO! sort of, was there. Mark Polishuk ought to be happy. He always has little logs to throw into the "Kattan is Gay" fire. The Boobie Song was hysterical! WOW he has an awesome voice. Oh my god...yummmm...However, some parts did fall flat on their face, and some parts were funny. Very predictable monologue, but still, funny.
FAVE QUOTES:
"I know I have some questions and before we get started, let me just say right away...NO."
"I'm not gay either, just like you!"
"HEE HEE HEE!"
"Okay, do you want to go make out?"
"I...LOVE...BOOBIES! Boobies in the morning, boobies in the spring, boobies in my face, boobies are everything!!!!! BOOBIES!"
GRADE: B

THE BACHELOR
SYNOPSIS: Parody of the Bachelor, in which Aaron (Eric McCormack) decides which lady he'd rather go out with-the controlling fantasy one (Rachel) the complete idiot (Maya),or Amber, the horny girl with one leg (Amy).
THE WORD: Oh dear God. I knew this was coming. This was the sketch of the night. Just hysterical! Amy as the one-legged girl always cracks me up. I also loved Maya's affected voice and her little comments that are fantastic. However...DAMN YOU MAYA FOR MAKING OUT WITH ERIC!!! wahhhhhhhhhh...oh well. I also liked Chris as the host-type person. All in all, great sketch, and Maya, keep your hands off my man. By the way, Eric named his son Finnegan. Isn't that ADORABLE!!!! Also, loved Rachel as the girl who knew that she and Aaron were destined to be together, but got really controlling in the end. But the thing that slayed me was the Last-Chance Tuesdays thing. That was unbelievable.
FAVE QUOTES:
"I hate Linda."
"Thanks for holding my flower for me!"
"Hey Aaron, I was thinking about that question you asked me last night, and I DO have a dog."
"Yeah, well, at least I have two self-respects!"
"And I like spaghetti, and he's been to France, so you know..."
GRADE: A

NEXT WEEK: NIA VARDALOS AND MUSICAL GUEST EVE
WOW!!! This is going to be a GOLDEN show!!! Nia is one of the funniest people EVER, and Eve rocks!!!

DINNER PARTY FROM HELL
SYNOPSIS: A man's competitive wife loses her stack over a game of celebrity.
THE WORD: This started off as the SKETCH from hell, but then it got increasingly better. I lost it when Rachel flipped out and I got what this sketch was going to be like. Just hilarious, and I loved Eric rocking back and forth and humming while Rachel destroyed the house. Just hilarious! Yay! Seth in another sketch!!! WHOO HOO!
FAVE QUOTES:
"WHO THE BALLS WROTE MENDELSSOHN!!!???"
"WHAT THE HELL!"
"So...who's turn is it?"
GRADE: A

ELLEN FRANKEL VS. ANDY TALARICO
SYNOPSIS: Parody of those slander ads against certain politicians.
THE WORD: Too damn close to the truth. It wasn't a parody so much as BLATANT FACT.
QUOTES:
"Tell her to stop frightening seniors."
GRADE: B

AMERICAN MORNING WITH PAULA ZAHN
SYNOPSIS: A parody of anchor rapport, Paula Zahn (TINA!!!) and Brent Dunlop (Eric McCormack) fall in love on the show, to the delight of Koatie Jeffers (Rachel) and Terrence the newsman (Chris P) and the horror of Stephanie Laughlin (Amy)
THE WORD:
OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!
Tina Fey? In a sketch? In a leading ROLE in a sketch??!! SAY IT AIN'T SO!! IT IS!!!! Yay! All in all, pretty funny, once the premise got going, but kind of stale. Tina's line was where I COMPLETELY lost it, and DAMN Y0U TINA! Everyone's hookin' up with Eric tonight...he's just too damn hot I guess...yummmmmmmy...well, all in all, unusual but damn hysterical sketch.
FAVE QUOTES:
"Are we in love?"
"Do you have anything to say about our LOVE?"
"Breaking News: Anchor's in Love"
"This is a NEWS STATION!"
GRADE: B+

ELLEN FRANKEL VS ANDY TALARICO PART DEUX
SYNOPSIS:Another slander commercial, but the opposing side.
THE WORD: OH LORD!!! Well, the JLo thing was hysterical, but other than that, not very funny.
FAVE QUOTES:
"J.Lo.:I want Ben's babies."
GRADE: C\

MUSICAL PERFORMANCE-JAYZ FEATURING LENNY KRAVITZ
THE WORD: I don't know the name of this song, but I liked it anyways. And the Run DMC shirt gets extra pts.
GRADE: A-

WEEKEND UPDATE WITH JIMMY FALLON AND TINA FEY
SYNOPSIS: The same spiel, with a visit by Gene Shalit (Horatio) and a little baby rapper (Jeff)
THE WORD: Okay, I'm not going to mince words...
Jimmy and Tina: Hilarious. The jokes were right on target and all of them were complete, crisp, and original. By the way, love JIMMY!'s new tie. It's very sleek...and sexy...yummmm.
Everything else: Just horrible. Oh my God. Horatio needs to go to hell, because he's a horrible actor who doesn't have one good character except for Gobi. He had about two funny lines and that was it! Good Lord! Jeff's little baby voice was cute for about five seconds. Loved how they screwed up the special effects on the thing. Other than that, this would've gotten an A+. But as it stands, it wasn't a very good Update.
FAVE QUOTES:
"New York City has finally entered a bid to host the Olympics in 2012. This leaves only ten years for New Yorkers to get the hell out."
"No, no, no, that's not what I heard. I heard he witnessed this deaf guy murder this other deaf guy, and he invited the murderer to his concert...and now he's pretending to be deaf..to trick him..." "Wow..."
"VH1 has pulled the plug on the Liza & David show, after weeks of frustration trying to deal with control freak, David Gest. Also, there were fears that during shooting, the lights would melt his wax head."
"In happier news, Christina Aguilera's filthy hotdog wagon is going strong."
"Following a series of salmonella outbreaks, the Food and Drug Administration has put a ban on the import of Mexican cantaloupes. This could be really bad news for Salma Hayek."
"Kevin Costner had his appendix out this week, but doctor's say he is in boring condition and resting boringly."
"Ghost Ship?? More like a pile of Ghost Ship!"
"Ring around the rosy, trousers full of crapola!"
"A man has been convicted of stealing a chicken and taking it back to his hotel and having sex with it until it died. The police are currently questioning this man." (Picture of Gonzo)
GRADE:
JUST TINA AND JIMMY: A
WITH THE REST: B

COURTROOM BULLHORN
SYNOPSIS: A convicted murderer (Eric McCormack) objects by sounding a bull-horn, pissing off everybody, including the judge (Will)
THE WORD: WOW. Has it come to this?! The only funny thing was when the bullhorn started to become musical and Will got pissed off. His voice is really funny!
FAVE QUOTES:
"I like the cut of your jib!"
GRADE: C

COMMERCIAL: ELLEN FRANKEL VS ANDY TALARICO PART TROIS
SYNOPSIS: ARE YOU GETTING IT!?
THE WORD:
GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
GRADE: D

RADIO STATION SHOCK JOCK
SYNOPSIS: A DJ (Jimmy) frightens a politician (Eric) when he does all of the voices on his morning show.
THE WORD: I actually thought this was hilarious. Seriously, I am NOT joking. I thought it was gross, but still, very funny. I loved how Eric got increasingly more pissed off as the lies continued. I also loved Jimmy as the Hindi man. That was priceless. And the off-color comments were just hysterical! But I could've done without the brown fingernail bit. EWWW!
FAVE QUOTES:
"So last night my girlfriend put her finger where it's not supposed to go! And this morning her fingernails were brown!"
"So how many times a day did you say you stroke it?"
"Oh My God you guys, seriously!"
"Moonaki buffet!"
GRADE: B+

JOHN HANCOCK INSURANCE
SYNOPSIS: A parody of parents talking about their kids and their life insurance...and paying for sex in a Waffle House parking lot...
THE WORD: Not veryfunny.
FAVE QUOTES:
"Average price of Waffle-House sexual favors: 10$"
GRADE: C+

MUSICAL PERFORMANCE: JAYZ WITH BEYONCE "Boyfriend"
THE WORD: I like this song, and I liked this performance.
GRADE: A-

JACKASS THE MUSICAL!
SYNOPSIS: Distinguished Shakespearean actors portraying the Jackass members.
THE WORD:
MY EYES!!!!!!! MY EYES!!!!!!! OH MY VIRGIN EYES!!!!!!!!!!! DID NOT NEED TO SEE JEFF IN BOOTY SHORTS!!!!!!!!! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Other than that, pretty funny, and Eric sang again...mmmmmmmm...
FAVE QUOTES:
"Jackass the Musical: Like all your favorite musicals of the past, only with puking."

SUBWAY FRED
SYNOPSIS: A rehash of I Love My Man and the Subway Fred from last year.
THE WORD:
Okay they need to split these two up, because they just SUCK TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apart they rule, but together, yuck!
FAVE QUOTES:
"This little white bitch comes along. You may know her as Jennifer Love Hewitt."
GRADE: D+\

AND THAT'S THE SHOW!!!!!!

OVERALL GRADE: B-

Started off strong, but with too many off sketches. Nia is just going to blow everyone away.

NEXT WEEK: NIA VARDALOS WITH EVE!
THIS IS ALLY SIGNING OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!