Ray Liotta / The Donnas
January 18, 2003

By The Doc

FROM THE OFFICES OF "THE DOC"...

Hey, How's it going? So get this, my New York Jets lost to this team called the Oakland Raiders last week. (AUDIENCE MOANS) Now, now, it isn't as bad as it sounds, considering that they made it further than the New York Giants in the playoffs. So at least that's one thing to consider. But what's also something to consider, is the fact that despite having a bad record at the begining, and then a bad record in the middle, then that thing with the Bears (Da Bearrssss...) in the end, they still made it to the playoffs in some miraculous form. And that alone is good enough for me.

With that thought in mind, here are who I think should be in the Super Bowl for all you gamblers out there, as well as the winner of said Game.

In Sunday's EARLY Game:
EAGLES over 
Bucs (+/- 13 Pts.)

In Sunday's LATE Game:
TITANS over Raiders (+/- 8
Pts.)

In MY VERSION OF The Super Bowl:
TITANS over Eagles (+/- 5
Pts.)

It may be Presumptious, but I call it a hunch. Now then, In the words of the great "Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra", I've got stacks and stacks of letters. So with that in "mind"...

SINGERS: "Free your miiiiiiiiiiiind, and the rest will follow."

Our first letter of the night is a first of sorts, it's my first Foregin Letter. It looks like it's in German, but I'll try to make the most of it. Someone by the name of "Verona" (<mailto:verona1981@lycos.de>verona1981@lycos.de) writes in his/her (Probably Her) native tounge...

Hallihallohallöle,

Ich bin ein freches Luder... So hab ichs auf jeden Fall gehört. Und das ganze nur, weil ich eine Webcam hab??? Was meinst Du? Kannst ja meine Seite <http://members.tripod.com.br/dvdmoviez/c.txt?sid=05030F061D530D152111540F1A0B4B5B010C4A1905464145084A5B59>http://members.lycos.de/verona1981/ angucken, und mir sagen, obs stimmt...

Küsschen :-x
Verona

Dear "Verona",

Um...Wha...? 

But seriously, I don't know anything about the German Language, other than the various varieties of sausage there are and the words to Wayne Newton's "Danke Shoen". Nothing personal, but next time you send a letter, make sure that I can understand it. Meanwhile, if anyone out there is German-American, or simply Fluent in German, maybe you can help translate for me

Auf Wiederzein---
"The Doc"

Our next Letter comes from our good Friend Nat Han (<mailto:noffius@yahoo.com>noffius@yahoo.com.) He writes in and says:

Stupid question, but whats your reviewer name on snl.com? I forget. But I do remember that I enjoy your take on snl. Would prefer not to filter through the some of the weaker reviews. thanks!

Dear Nat,

There's no such thing as a stupid question 'round here. My reviewer name (Or "Handle" to some of you truckers out there.) Is "The Doc", which was originally "Dr. Theodore J. Fugelheimerson" as an homage to Jimmy Fallon. And even before then, I was the lowly "JK's SNL". But I intend to keep the "Doc" name until I "Retire" in May.

"What's my Name? Say My Name, Bitch!"--- "The Doc"

<mailto:sgoldenberg@onebox.com>sgoldenberg@onebox.com writes in and says:
Don't leave us - don't make this your last year - we NEED you!!!!!!
Your fan,
SG

(SIGH) It feels nice to be needed, But I have to go, not until May that is. In case you (Or anyone else) missed my Matt Damon Review, it clearly states why I have to go. Some things just take higher priority.

Sorry,- - - "The Doc"

TOTEBOARD OF THE NUMBER OF TIMES I MENTIONED THAT I'M LEAVING:

--> -->000,000,000,004<--- <---

Next letter is another first, it's my first ever piece of Hate Mail! Break out the Poloroids everybody. Someone named "Daphne", who doesn't want her E-mail address to be Identifyed, chimes in and says: (CENSORED FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT)

That was the first time I'd ever read a "review" of SNL, and my god was it terrible. You have got to be one of the most annoying, nerdiest people I've ever seen online, and HOLY F*** is that saying a lot!

All you seem to be capable of is quoting the Simpsons and whining about how bad SNL is!

1) If it's that bad, then DON'T F***ING WATCH IT. 
2) If YOU are such an authority of
humour, then how come all you can do is quote lines from other people?

Normally, I'd take my own advice and just ignore you, but you're "review" was SO f***ing GAY, with all your little "(CONFETTI FALLS) OK, that's enough. (CONFETTI SUDDENLY STOPS)" moments, and referring to yourself in the third person that I just had to tell you how much contempt I have for 'FANS' like you. You claim to like a show and bitch about how bad it is.

If you want a d! ose of irony, watch the Poochie episode of the Simpsons. You're like the nerds who bash itchy and scratchy!

I'm sure this won't deter you from writing or anything, and good for you if you enjoy doing it, but I just wanted to point out how hypocritical you're being.

Have a nice day.

~Daphne
P.S. If you choose to post this letter as an example of the
bitchy e-mails that you get, can you please be so kind as to not include my e-mail? thank you.

Y'know I'm never one to start a war of words, ("One Love" In the words of Mr. Bob Marley) But in the 4 years that I've done these reviews, I've been waiting to get a letter like this. And woudn't you know, you're the 1st angry letter I've ever recived. (You should be Sooooooooo Proud.) Anyway, here's my Reply...

CHILL OUT, MAN!!! For god's sake it's just a TV show! I mean, is it so damn wrong to express opinons about anything these days? C'mon, you really think that I have to say something's good if it was bad...And believe me, last week's show was The WORST show of the season. Not everybody can give a rave about everything, not everything can be good, what do you think being a "critic" is all about?

And you know what, if the Live Show isn't that great, at least I have the "Classic" show to look forward to and renew my fondness for the show. And as for the whole "Simpsons" thing, hate to tell you this kiddo, but it's been done to death so many times on so many levels. A number of SNL Reviewers have always added their own value of Quirkiness in their reviews, I'm just adding mine (Via Mark Polishukto the fray.

Despite what you think, you are only just one person, and one person, two people, 5, 10 or even a Billion people isn't going to change my position on anything. And you know what, I'm still going to watch SNL no matter how bad it gets, know why? Because I'm a FAN! And fans stick with something no matter what the Consequences are! (Cases in Point: Any New York sports team...except the Yankees, Chicago Cubs, Cincinatti Bengals, And any other "loser" sports team in America.)

So just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. I have my opinions, you have yours. And, oh yeah...

MICK FOLEY: Have a Nice Day!

"Your New 'Best Friend'"---
"The Doc"

(EDITOR'S FOOTNOTE: As of Thursday, Jan.
16th,---Got the letter that Wednesday--- Peace was made between us, and no further harm was done. Nothing More to see here, move it along, move it along...)

If anyone else would like to talk or just take me, cover me in lard, fry me up and swallow me whole, (In a figurative sense) There's only one way that could happen...

Free Your Mind at <mailto:tvnutboy@yahoo.com>tvnutboy@yahoo.com

But Right now, You loved him in "Goodfellas", You're loving him in "Narc" and "Grand Theft Auto: Vice City", and you found him so-so in "No Escape"...OK, "So-so" is Very, Very Charitable. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrre's Ray Liotta...
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Rumsfeld or "...But tonight, you will all transform from dead-eyed suburbanites, to White Hot Grease fires of pure entertainment!"

I'm getting sick and tired of openings that end with "And one more thing...LFNY..." It just doesn't seem inspired. Rumsfeld is one of the most boring characters that Darrell Hammond has, singing a tune isn't going to make him more fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there I go again being "Negative", but it's true. They should be doing Bush Opens again, and fast.

Diagnosis: D+
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Monolouge or "You should get your face out there." (FACE SPASAMS) "Ewww"

This segues into this whole "Getting to know you" thing. This was starting to turn into SNL: The Musical, and I prayed that it wouldn't be for the rest of the show, Thank God that worked...

ALMIGHTY GOD: Don't Mention It. (ZOOMS OFF IN HIS CORVETTE)

Now I know this was just an anti-louge, but whether real or fictional, no one can like Jimmy Fallon that much. When Ray found him in the quick change booth...Well, put 2 and 2 together for that one...OK, I'll be specific, I thought he'd drop trou. But once again, thank god that didn't happen...

ALMIGHTY GOD: I said not to mention it, don't make me smite you now. (ZOOMS OFF AGAIN.)

The whole Jimmy Punch at the end kinda threw me off in the end, I thought Ray was supposed to be all good W/Jimmy. Oh well, anyone who can get an entire audience to sing a song is OK in my book.

Diagnosis: C+
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Live W/ Regis and Kelly or "Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies, and I saw one of the babies, and the baby looked at me."

Good to see Darrell do Regis again, It certainly beats Rumsfeld. This sketch unfortunately also stars my "Friend" (Yeah, Right!) Amy Polher. She was as Dead on as Kelly as Darrell Was with Regis, As Ray Was with David Caruso, As was Kattan with Gelman! (See what the benifits of a High School Education can bring? Gotta love those Run-On Sentences.) The Baby part at the end kinda killed it, But All these impressions cancel each other out in some strange enough way that I give it...

Diagnosis: B-

It was basically "Stupid Good, Stupid Fresh."
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Kids Show or "...Time for Brazil's most popular show, 'Teleboobies'"

This harks back to the good ole' days of Tim Medows and "Jingleheimer Junction", Only no certain "4 letter word". Isn't it amazing that Rachel Dratch is supprisingly shorter than even some children? At first I was expecting the whole sketch to be about Ray Liotta going on some sort of maniacal Godzilla-esque rampage in his Barney Type suit, But what do I know? And another thing, who would have thought that Rachel Dratch was so "Built?" (SHUDDERS) Once again, it just reminds me of "JJ" in terms of the innuendo, which is funny in the right hands.

Diagnosis: A
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Falconer or "Um, I shoot birds at the airport." "Everybody Hates Birds!"

I didn't think they'd actually bring this back. Then again, I didn't think Jimmy Fallon would do Pat O'Brien 2 weeks in a row. (More on that later) This one was more "funny strange" than the first one...Uh... Hmmm, wish I had more to say...Damn Writers Block! Hey writers, give me a zinger about this sketch...

WRITER #1How about, "Falcon? At the rate he's partying all night, I could have sworn he's a Night Owl!"

DOC:
You call this writing? You're Fired, Go back to "8 Simple Rules..." Anyway, This was just more of the same from last time. Only, no affairs were involved. that's just about it.

Diagnosis: C-
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Global Century or "Don't you know that this is more important than Money?" "MORE IMPORTANT THAN MONEY?! Who is This?"

This actually disapointed me, it was too real to be fake. Though I did like the Lorne cameo (It was a quick shot befor the camera panned to the next guy.) and the Dean appearance. Other than that, it looked too much like an actual commercial.

Diagnosis: D+
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Hannibal or "Ooh, I can't get enough of this Blood Pudding." "The secret ingredient is Blood!" "Blood, ewww! I'll just eat this Brain and Kidney Pie, thank you."

That's right everybody, it's two, two, Two Sketches in one! The Hannibal Segment bored me to Tears, but it picked up as soon as it got to "Access". Jimmy Actually did better this time as Mr. O'Brien. I appreciated Tina Showing up as a Hilton sister, But I really loved Dean as Wayne Brady! Right down to his motions, it even sounded like him. That's what boosted it.

Diagnosis: C+
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Update or "The entire Channel 6 Newsteam will be there except for our boom mike opperator Phil who is getting fired tommorrow." (HIT WITH A MICROPHONE) "Very Unprofessional, Phil!"

Jokes were great (Especially the "Joke Off"), Tracy was Just OK, but the centerpiece was definately "Tim Calhoon". Next to Ferricito, he's my favorite new character this year. But with all of these aside, there's one thing that bothered me... (BRICK WALL DROPS DOWN, "DOC" DOES HIS BEST SEINFELD IMPRESSION.) What's the big deal with these strange characters that show up and take Jimmy's Pencil? It's not like those things are valuable, are they? (WALL RISES) Didn't The Burglar looked like Eminem to any of you? Anyway, much better than last week.

Diagnosis: A+
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The Donnas:

After "Launch" ing their songs to death, I've come to two conclusions. One, one of the girls remind me of my girlfriend in the worst way. And two...

DAVID SPADE: I liked this band the first time I saw them, when they were called "The Go-gos"

Go figure

Diagnosis: N/A
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The Hangman or "I'll be right down, I've got to put on my Witch Hazel."

Y'know, I could think of a variety of M.I.L.F. Jokes, but that would be streching it...a Lot! I mean sure I'd like the older women if they were maybe 5, 10 years older, but this was like opening the "Ark of the Covenant". This one get's my "Oy Vey of the Day" Once again for an obvious reason. At first I thought the whole joke was just Liotta saying that he was... ("Dun, Dun, Dunnnnnnnnn!") "The Hangman". But the whole May-December thing just...Ugh, turn away!

Diagnosis: C-
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Top O' The Morning or "To Alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems"

Oh great, now Seth's starting to laugh in sketches. Oh well, at least they got rid of Jeff's "Human 8 Ball" Thing. That and they must have patched up the Punching wall, cause it looks brand new, and I think Jimmy was laughing because he may have actually hurt himself. As for Liotta's part, it was just there for show I guess. But at least it did better than before.

Diagnosis: B-
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Buddy Mills or "Hi there, are you from the Casino?" "I'm from a Casino." "Good enough, let's go!"

If it weren't for Fred doing his Drum thing, it would be a suck fest. And call me Crazy, But I could have sworn that one of those waitresses was Ana Gastyer...

AUDIENCE: You're Crazy!

...But on Closer inspection, it was Tina. The show was actually doing so well until this happened. But that's 12:50 for ya'

Diagnosis: F
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Grand Diagnosis: B

Prescription: A hell of a lot better than last week.

Next Time: Matthew
McConnughay...I think that's how it's spelled. I dunno, I don't pay attention to his work. Nor do I pay attention to The Dixie chicks.

This Review is Dedicated to all The Men And Women of America...Who actually knows what the
Acronyism M.I.L.F. Means. Anyone who's seen "American Pie" Must Know.

Till Next time, "The Doctor is Out!"