Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite
March 8, 2003

By Joey MacQueen

I'm Joey MacQueen, and What Can I tell you...

Well, what can I tell you? Not much.

I don't mean to go into a rant here, but...

... is there enough war talk yet? Like an old, handicapped woman easing into a hot bath, Bush is prolonging this as much as he can, and thinks he looks smart too. Watching him on Thursday night (how dare he push Survivor to 9pm), it proved to me he's not the bright 80 watt bulb he thinks he is. Oh, and I've officially decided to call Bush "Tweedle Dee" and Saddam "Tweedle Dum". These two should just sign a one night only contract with Vince McMahon, fight with fists, chairs, and tables, and see who makes it out alive. And just for the hell of it, wrap real barbed wire around a baseball bat, and see where it takes them. I guarantee this will solve Saddam's problem of overpowering everyone, and Bush's problem with erectile dysfunction.

Thank me, that was the rant!

Now, I happen to have a great love for famous quotes, and this week marks the debut of...

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Now, this will take the place of any hockey, music, or top five section. If any of those are to be mentioned, they'll fall under the miscellany file.

"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born" -Ronald Reagan

Oh yes, clever, is it not? I just adore that quote, especially from someone like Ronald Reagan. It's very intelligent, and certainly goes against abortion. Now, I will not raise this abortion issue. If you have any comments to make on my quote, abortion, or anything in my review, contact me at <mailto:mrx200114@hotmail.com>mrx200114@hotmail.com

The WWE Report

I usually save these for the weekend prior to a Pay-Per-View, but a lot has happened since I last talked about WWE.

First, sad news here, as Kurt Angle suffered a severe neck injury, that will take him out of Wrestlemania X9 with Brock Lesnar. The current rumor floating around the internet is to have Brock win at next week's Smackdown!, and fight someone else at Wrestlemania. Now, the match will obviously be lower on the card, but big loss for both, who are definitely great competitors. John Cena and Chris Benoit are currently rumored to take Angle's position, but this could only hurt the match, as Benoit is a face wrestler, and John Cena is still a rookie, with no major experience yet. My suggestion? I really don't know. Names like Big Show, Rhyno, or Undertaker should definitely not be ruled out, but all of their choices don't seem good to me. My suggestion? No match. The buildup is going to be small, and would be better if Brock fought in a Non title match with someone, like Nathan Jones, instead. Then, start a feud with someone for April. Just a thought.

And finally, this past Monday's RAW saw the return of Stone Cold Steve Austin. This was his second appearance, with his first being No Way Out, against Eric Bischoff. He arrived in style, ready to take down Bischoff's clan, and quickly raced to the ring, where he thanked us. Classy thing to say, especially from Austin. He was quickly interrupted by The Rock, whose new theme starts with funeral-like music. The Rock is dead, perhaps, and replaced by Hollywood Rock? Anyway, it looks like The Rock and Austin are a go for Wrestlemania. I want to thank Steve Austin for a great return. I waited nine long months for his return, and was not disappointed.

Well, what do you know? I'm going to do two top five lists. They will be brief, so don't worry.

TOP FIVE BEST SHOWS YOU AREN'T WATCHING (in no particular order)

1. Alias
2. Andy Richter Controls the Universe
3. Futurama
4. Hidden Hills
5. Hack

TOP FIVE WORST SHOWS YOU ARE WATCHING

1. Joe Millionaire/The Bachelor/The Bachelorette
2. ER
3. My Wife and Kids/According to Jim
4. any show with Law and Order in the title
5. Friends (let's face it, Friends should have ended two seasons ago)

OVERVIEW

Well, Queen Latifah two years ago wasn't even a very popular name, unless you saw "Living Single" or her self titled talk show. But now, the so-called Queen is nominated for an Oscar for "Chicago", a film that has already grossed over $100 million, she won a Golden Globe, and she currently stars alongside Steve Martin, in the Disney made "Bringing Down the House", which will bring in an estimated $30 million on the weekend. Not bad, eh?

Musical guest is Ms. Dynamite. Now, if only I could figure out who the hell she is.

(COLD OPENING) Live from New York, it's... dear god... Akroyd sure let himself go!

Yeah, Dan Akroyd is now the John Goodman of SNL. He makes guest appearances now for no particular reason. It's not the ten or so appearances that Goodman squeezed out a few years ago, but would it kill SNL to have Dan host? He's a very funny guy, and deserves better, after choosing some poor roles in the past few years (Crossroads, Blues Brothers 2000, the short-lived Soul Man). And, I'm sure every SNL fan watching the opener last night screamed at the top of their lungs "Where the fuck is Norm?" Since Norm never left on good terms (but miracuously hosted in 2000), I'm sure Lorne was happy with Danny Akroyd instead. And, the return of Clinton! Woohoo! I was sure glad to see Darrell do this impersonation again. Very funny, but sure did go on too long. And poor Bob Dole... no one will stop making fun of his ads for Viagra and Pepsi. Grade: B+

(MONOLOGUE) Oh funny... her name is Queen.

This was actually quite funny, and the hilarity had nothing to do with Queen Latifah. I don't care what anyone says, Queen Latifah should not have hosted. If they were going to choose someone from Chicago, why not Renee Zellweger? Bringing Down the House need promotion? Why not Steve Martin or Eugene Levy? And, this is the third of four consecutive hosts somehow tied in with the Oscars. Jennifer Garner will present an award, Christopher Walken is nominated for an Oscar, and so is Queen Latifah and next week's host Salma Hayek. Now, if only Jack Nicholson would do TV. And, did anyone else think Horatio Sanz looked eerily like Kevin Smith? Stick Jason Mewes next to him, and we could've had a Jay and Silent Bob sketch. But alas, I guess SNL is too good for the likes of Kevin Smith. Seth Meyers was good in his only appearance of the night. And Maya was okay, too... I guess. Grade: B

(SKETCH) Just what we need: A Rapping Baby

Oh yay, Dean Edwards has another potential recurring sketch, with no chance in hell of being done again. Maya Rudolph looked especially good. The conversation between the two was hard for me to understand, since I'm not fluent in Black Talk. And now, here comes the angry mob, ready to lynch me. Anyway, Jeff Richards was probably the best part of the sketch, but nothing really stood out as being hilarious to me. His voice sounded a lot like Bobby Generic (Gen-air-ic? No, Generic) from Bobby's World. And, this is the first of quite a few times that SNL gets Queen Latifah to sing. Oh yay. Grade: B-

(SKETCH) He's Out of CONTROL!

Thank god! SNL actually made this a recurring sketch. You know, I could actually watch a new Regis and Kelly sketch every single new episode, and not get tired of it. I watched the show a few weeks ago, and Kelly actually liked the sketch. I can't tell if the same could go for Gelman. I mean honestly. Who is he trying to fool... Chris Kattan? Anyway, both Hammond and Poehler do excellent jobs on this sketch, and really capture both Regis and Kelly in their respective impersonations. I was saddened that they had Queen Latifah come out as Frenchie Davis, the long-gone American Idol hopeful. Really, the politically correct society we live in feels we need just one overweight singer, to make the music industry look good. If this was, Oh I don't know, maybe Kimberly Caldwell who posed nude for the internet, do you think there would be as many people wanting her back on the show? No. There would be quite a few people looking to find the website, but that's another story. And again, Latifah sings. Oh yay. Grade: B+

(COMMERCIAL) As SNL finished its commercial parody, FOX scrambled to make a similarly themed show to air this Monday, after Married By America.

Is it that far-fetched, to think FOX may make a show like this? FOX needs a serious slap of reality, because their current surge in the ratings is due to a poorly-conceived fad of "I'm a guy, I'm not gay, please be my wife" TV shows. I will not complain about reality TV, just the Joe Millionaires and The Bachelors. This was a hilarious parody, and much better than most of the commercials they aired this season. And you have got to love Chris Parnell's voiceovers. Grade: A-

(SKETCH) Who the hell cares where they are now?

Oh yay. Queen Latifah sings again. This was a good parody, but really, why did we have to be subject to someone's poor sketch idea? If anything, bring back Ana Gasteyer for one sketch, and do another Gemini's Twin sketch. Well, maybe not. But this was still a very unfunny sketch. Oh look, those crazy 60's people are imitating their dance. Look! They are hurting themselves. Me like this humor... not! Grade: C-

(COMMERCIAL) AKA Celebrity Fart Factor

Very funny impersonations. Chris Kattan looked unusually like Kathy Griffin, and Jimmy Fallon's Gilbert Gottfried was dead-on, as was Jeffie's Gary Busey. This was basically the same as the last one, and was just as funny, mainly in part to the Juicy Busey. Ouch! Grade: A-

(NEWS) Weekend Update

Wow, is it really possible to have a mediocre Update? With the last few episodes, it is. Now, without any cameos to help them, Update had to rely on their jokes, and most (if not, all) fell flat. Horatio as the leading terrorist was not hilarious, but nice observation on the poor bastard. He's home, not going anyway. Why disrupt the man's last full night of sleep? Couldn't they wait a few hours? They waited over a year. Anyway, Jeff Richards seems to be up for replacing Darrell Hammond, as he has quite a few impersonations, and recurring sketches. Jeff nailed the Dustin Hoffman impersonation, right down to "Bruce Stringbean". And Chris Parnell sang... no biggie. Grade: B-

(SKETCH) Sam I Am... I like ham... Ham I am...

Dear god, what was this? I laughed only a few times during this, and was ready to make this a C sketch, but then Will Forte comes out, and starts singing (wow, wasn't Queen Latifah this time!). This was sort of funny, and I was ready to write C+, but then Chris Parnell comes out, and explains the origins of this sketch. Very humorous idea. It could've been funnier, if he said something about "The Twilight Zone", but can't complain. Grade: B

(TOON) Swinging Bush

The X-Presidents return! Thank the dear god above! Quick, someone tell me the last TV Funhouse that aired! If it's Ambiguously Gay Duo, then it's been too long. I'm glad it's back, and I'm glad it was funny. I noticed Tom Kenny (Spongebob) actually voiced Squarepants. Very cool. And, glad to see those damn Puff girls die. "That one's not breathing!" Hi-larious! Very good Funhouse. Hopefully not the last before the end of the year! Grade: B+

(SKETCH) Oh yay!

Profiles of Jazz... yeah, alright. This was another poor sketch where Queen Latifah song, but was funny for two reasons. First, Darrell Hammond is funny, especially doing a character that sounded a lot like Sean Connery. And second, dirty talk. SNL loves the dirty talk. And I'm sure we all want to know what Louie Armstrong said... You can buy that on Louie Uncut and Uncensored, Volume 8. Anyway one punchline sketch... well, not really. Grade: B-

(SKETCH) He has herpes! Give him a round of applause!

This was a really poor sketch. I should expect better from SNL as the last sketch of the night, but I don't. Grade: C-

And it was also great to see Horatio due a tribute to Mister Rogers. I don't have the same memories of him, but I do have memories of Mr. Dressup in Canada, so I guess it's the same. Both have passed, and both will be missed.

Players of the Night: Darrell Hammond, Horatio Sanz, Amy Poehler
Sketch of the Night: Who Farted?, Regis and Kelly
Worst Sketch: Walgreens, Where are they Now?
Hardest Worker: Maya Rudolph (6 sketches)
Wacky Slackers: Tina Fey's usual Update, Jimmy Fallon, Fred Armisen, Dean Edwards, Seth Meyers (1 sketch)
Forte-a-tron: Three sketches... WOO!
The Not At All Ripping Off Mark Polishuk's Kattan O Metre: He played Michael Gelman... and played a woman in his two other sketches. Three for three!
Recur-o-rama: Hammond as Clinton, Dan Akroyd as Bob Dole, Regis and Kelly, X-Presidents

CLOSING STATEMENTS

Wow, this was an unexpected success for SNL. We all expected a poor episode, but actually the writing saved most of the show. Sure, Queen Latifah was a terrible choice for host (she sang four times!), and most cast members had at least three sketches, so all got equal time, unless your name started with Tina or Fred, and ended with Fey or Armisen. Average episode, with terrible host.

Episodic Ranking:
1. Christopher Walken A-
2. Nia Vardalos B+
3. John McCain B+
4. Matthew McConaughey B
5. Ray Liotta B
6. Brittany Murphy B
7. Al Gore B
8. Queen Latifah B
9. Jennifer Garner B-
10. Matt Damon B-
11. Sarah Michelle Gellar C+
12. Eric McCormack C
13. Jeff Gordon C
14. Robert DeNiro C-

That's how I saw this week on SNL. Tune in next Salma "Unibrow" Hayek (darn, thought it was Selma Blair), and Christina "Dirrty Slut, who obviously doesn't watch SNL" Aguilera. I hate to admit, I really like her song "Beautiful", and I love the fact she's basically begging to be a porn star. Always good news! I'm Joey MacQueen and I am out of here. Don't take any wooden nickles.. or any wooden coins, for that matter.