Latifah / Ms. Dynamite
March 8, 2003
I'm Joey MacQueen, and What
Can I tell you...
Well, what can I tell you? Not much.
I don't mean to go into a rant here, but...
... is there enough war talk yet? Like an old, handicapped woman
easing into a hot bath, Bush is prolonging this as much as he
can, and thinks he looks smart too. Watching him on Thursday
night (how dare he push Survivor to 9pm), it proved to me he's
not the bright 80 watt bulb he thinks he is. Oh, and I've officially
decided to call Bush "Tweedle Dee" and Saddam "Tweedle
Dum". These two should just sign a one night only contract
with Vince McMahon, fight with fists, chairs, and tables, and
see who makes it out alive. And just for the hell of it, wrap
real barbed wire around a baseball bat, and see where it takes
them. I guarantee this will solve Saddam's problem of overpowering
everyone, and Bush's problem with erectile dysfunction.
Thank me, that was the rant!
Now, I happen to have a great love for famous quotes, and this
week marks the debut of...
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Now, this will take the place of any hockey, music, or top five
section. If any of those are to be mentioned, they'll fall under
the miscellany file.
"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already
been born" -Ronald Reagan
Oh yes, clever, is it not? I just adore that quote, especially
from someone like Ronald Reagan. It's very intelligent, and certainly
goes against abortion. Now, I will not raise this abortion issue.
If you have any comments to make on my quote, abortion, or anything
in my review, contact me at <mailto:firstname.lastname@example.org>email@example.com
The WWE Report
I usually save these for the weekend prior to a Pay-Per-View,
but a lot has happened since I last talked about WWE.
First, sad news here, as Kurt Angle suffered a severe neck injury,
that will take him out of Wrestlemania X9 with Brock Lesnar.
The current rumor floating around the internet is to have Brock
win at next week's Smackdown!, and fight someone else at Wrestlemania.
Now, the match will obviously be lower on the card, but big loss
for both, who are definitely great competitors. John Cena and
Chris Benoit are currently rumored to take Angle's position,
but this could only hurt the match, as Benoit is a face wrestler,
and John Cena is still a rookie, with no major experience yet.
My suggestion? I really don't know. Names like Big Show, Rhyno,
or Undertaker should definitely not be ruled out, but all of
their choices don't seem good to me. My suggestion? No match.
The buildup is going to be small, and would be better if Brock
fought in a Non title match with someone, like Nathan Jones,
instead. Then, start a feud with someone for April. Just a thought.
And finally, this past Monday's RAW saw the return of Stone Cold
Steve Austin. This was his second appearance, with his first
being No Way Out, against Eric Bischoff. He arrived in style,
ready to take down Bischoff's clan, and quickly raced to the
ring, where he thanked us. Classy thing to say, especially from
Austin. He was quickly interrupted by The Rock, whose new theme
starts with funeral-like music. The Rock is dead, perhaps, and
replaced by Hollywood Rock? Anyway, it looks like The Rock
and Austin are a go for Wrestlemania. I want to thank Steve Austin
for a great return. I waited nine long months for his return,
and was not disappointed.
Well, what do you know? I'm going to do two top five lists. They
will be brief, so don't worry.
TOP FIVE BEST SHOWS YOU AREN'T WATCHING (in no particular order)
2. Andy Richter Controls the Universe
4. Hidden Hills
TOP FIVE WORST SHOWS YOU ARE WATCHING
1. Joe Millionaire/The Bachelor/The Bachelorette
3. My Wife and Kids/According to Jim
4. any show with Law and Order in the title
5. Friends (let's face it, Friends should have ended two seasons
Well, Queen Latifah two years ago wasn't even a very popular
name, unless you saw "Living Single" or her self titled
talk show. But now, the so-called Queen is nominated for an Oscar
for "Chicago", a film that has already grossed over
$100 million, she won a Golden Globe, and she currently stars
alongside Steve Martin, in the Disney made "Bringing Down
the House", which will bring in an estimated $30 million
on the weekend. Not bad, eh?
Musical guest is Ms. Dynamite. Now, if only I could figure out
who the hell she is.
(COLD OPENING) Live from New York, it's... dear god... Akroyd
sure let himself go!
Yeah, Dan Akroyd is now the John Goodman of SNL. He makes guest
appearances now for no particular reason. It's not the ten or
so appearances that Goodman squeezed out a few years ago, but
would it kill SNL to have Dan host? He's a very funny guy, and
deserves better, after choosing some poor roles in the past few
years (Crossroads, Blues Brothers 2000, the short-lived Soul
Man). And, I'm sure every SNL fan watching the opener last night
screamed at the top of their lungs "Where the fuck is Norm?"
Since Norm never left on good terms (but miracuously hosted in
2000), I'm sure Lorne was happy with Danny Akroyd instead. And,
the return of Clinton! Woohoo! I was sure glad to see Darrell
do this impersonation again. Very funny, but sure did go on too
long. And poor Bob Dole... no one will stop making fun of his
ads for Viagra and Pepsi. Grade: B+
(MONOLOGUE) Oh funny... her name is Queen.
This was actually quite funny, and the hilarity had nothing to
do with Queen Latifah. I don't care what anyone says, Queen
Latifah should not have hosted. If they were going to choose
someone from Chicago, why not Renee Zellweger? Bringing Down
the House need promotion? Why not Steve Martin or Eugene Levy?
And, this is the third of four consecutive hosts somehow tied
in with the Oscars. Jennifer Garner will present an award, Christopher
Walken is nominated for an Oscar, and so is Queen Latifah and
next week's host Salma Hayek. Now, if only Jack Nicholson would
do TV. And, did anyone else think Horatio Sanz looked eerily
like Kevin Smith? Stick Jason Mewes next to him, and we could've
had a Jay and Silent Bob sketch. But alas, I guess SNL is too
good for the likes of Kevin Smith. Seth Meyers was good
in his only appearance of the night. And Maya was okay, too...
I guess. Grade: B
(SKETCH) Just what we need: A Rapping Baby
Oh yay, Dean Edwards has another potential recurring sketch,
with no chance in hell of being done again. Maya Rudolph looked
especially good. The conversation between the two was hard for
me to understand, since I'm not fluent in Black Talk. And now,
here comes the angry mob, ready to lynch me. Anyway, Jeff Richards
was probably the best part of the sketch, but nothing really
stood out as being hilarious to me. His voice sounded a lot like
Bobby Generic (Gen-air-ic? No, Generic) from Bobby's World. And,
this is the first of quite a few times that SNL gets Queen Latifah
to sing. Oh yay. Grade: B-
(SKETCH) He's Out of CONTROL!
Thank god! SNL actually made this a recurring sketch. You know,
I could actually watch a new Regis and Kelly sketch every single
new episode, and not get tired of it. I watched the show a few
weeks ago, and Kelly actually liked the sketch. I can't tell
if the same could go for Gelman. I mean honestly. Who is he trying
to fool... Chris Kattan? Anyway, both Hammond and Poehler do
excellent jobs on this sketch, and really capture both Regis
and Kelly in their respective impersonations. I was saddened
that they had Queen Latifah come out as Frenchie Davis, the long-gone
American Idol hopeful. Really, the politically correct society
we live in feels we need just one overweight singer, to make
the music industry look good. If this was, Oh I don't know, maybe
Kimberly Caldwell who posed nude for the internet, do you think
there would be as many people wanting her back on the show? No.
There would be quite a few people looking to find the website,
but that's another story. And again, Latifah sings. Oh yay. Grade:
(COMMERCIAL) As SNL finished its commercial parody, FOX scrambled
to make a similarly themed show to air this Monday, after Married
Is it that far-fetched, to think FOX may make a show like this?
FOX needs a serious slap of reality, because their current surge
in the ratings is due to a poorly-conceived fad of "I'm
a guy, I'm not gay, please be my wife" TV shows. I will
not complain about reality TV, just the Joe Millionaires and
The Bachelors. This was a hilarious parody, and much better than
most of the commercials they aired this season. And you have
got to love Chris Parnell's voiceovers. Grade: A-
(SKETCH) Who the hell cares where they are now?
Oh yay. Queen Latifah sings again. This was a good parody, but
really, why did we have to be subject to someone's poor sketch
idea? If anything, bring back Ana Gasteyer for one sketch, and
do another Gemini's Twin sketch. Well, maybe not. But this was
still a very unfunny sketch. Oh look, those crazy 60's people
are imitating their dance. Look! They are hurting themselves.
Me like this humor... not! Grade: C-
(COMMERCIAL) AKA Celebrity Fart Factor
Very funny impersonations. Chris Kattan looked unusually like
Kathy Griffin, and Jimmy Fallon's Gilbert Gottfried was dead-on,
as was Jeffie's Gary Busey. This was basically the same as the
last one, and was just as funny, mainly in part to the Juicy
Busey. Ouch! Grade: A-
(NEWS) Weekend Update
Wow, is it really possible to have a mediocre Update? With the
last few episodes, it is. Now, without any cameos to help them,
Update had to rely on their jokes, and most (if not, all) fell
flat. Horatio as the leading terrorist was not hilarious, but
nice observation on the poor bastard. He's home, not going anyway.
Why disrupt the man's last full night of sleep? Couldn't they
wait a few hours? They waited over a year. Anyway, Jeff Richards
seems to be up for replacing Darrell Hammond, as he has quite
a few impersonations, and recurring sketches. Jeff nailed the
Dustin Hoffman impersonation, right down to "Bruce Stringbean".
And Chris Parnell sang... no biggie. Grade: B-
(SKETCH) Sam I Am... I like ham... Ham I am...
Dear god, what was this? I laughed only a few times during
this, and was ready to make this a C sketch, but then Will Forte
comes out, and starts singing (wow, wasn't Queen Latifah this
time!). This was sort of funny, and I was ready to write C+,
but then Chris Parnell comes out, and explains the origins of
this sketch. Very humorous idea. It could've been funnier, if
he said something about "The Twilight Zone", but can't
complain. Grade: B
(TOON) Swinging Bush
The X-Presidents return! Thank the dear god above! Quick, someone
tell me the last TV Funhouse that aired! If it's Ambiguously
Gay Duo, then it's been too long. I'm glad it's back, and I'm
glad it was funny. I noticed Tom Kenny (Spongebob) actually voiced
Squarepants. Very cool. And, glad to see those damn Puff girls
die. "That one's not breathing!" Hi-larious! Very good
Funhouse. Hopefully not the last before the end of the year!
(SKETCH) Oh yay!
Profiles of Jazz... yeah, alright. This was another poor sketch
where Queen Latifah song, but was funny for two reasons. First,
Darrell Hammond is funny, especially doing a character that sounded
a lot like Sean Connery. And second, dirty talk. SNL loves the
dirty talk. And I'm sure we all want to know what Louie Armstrong
said... You can buy that on Louie Uncut and Uncensored, Volume
8. Anyway one punchline sketch... well, not really. Grade: B-
(SKETCH) He has herpes! Give him a round of applause!
This was a really poor sketch. I should expect better from SNL
as the last sketch of the night, but I don't. Grade: C-
And it was also great to see Horatio due a tribute to Mister
Rogers. I don't have the same memories of him, but I do have
memories of Mr. Dressup in Canada, so I guess it's the same.
Both have passed, and both will be missed.
Players of the Night: Darrell Hammond, Horatio Sanz, Amy Poehler
Sketch of the Night: Who Farted?, Regis and Kelly
Worst Sketch: Walgreens, Where are they Now?
Hardest Worker: Maya Rudolph (6 sketches)
Wacky Slackers: Tina Fey's usual Update, Jimmy Fallon, Fred Armisen,
Dean Edwards, Seth Meyers (1 sketch)
Forte-a-tron: Three sketches... WOO!
The Not At All Ripping Off Mark Polishuk's Kattan O Metre: He
played Michael Gelman... and played a woman in his two other
sketches. Three for three!
Recur-o-rama: Hammond as Clinton, Dan Akroyd as Bob Dole, Regis
and Kelly, X-Presidents
Wow, this was an unexpected success for SNL. We all expected
a poor episode, but actually the writing saved most of the show.
Sure, Queen Latifah was a terrible choice for host (she sang
four times!), and most cast members had at least three sketches,
so all got equal time, unless your name started with Tina or
Fred, and ended with Fey or Armisen. Average episode, with terrible
1. Christopher Walken A-
2. Nia Vardalos B+
3. John McCain B+
4. Matthew McConaughey B
5. Ray Liotta B
6. Brittany Murphy B
7. Al Gore B
8. Queen Latifah B
9. Jennifer Garner B-
10. Matt Damon B-
11. Sarah Michelle Gellar C+
12. Eric McCormack C
13. Jeff Gordon C
14. Robert DeNiro C-
That's how I saw this week on SNL. Tune in next Salma "Unibrow"
Hayek (darn, thought it was Selma Blair), and Christina "Dirrty
Slut, who obviously doesn't watch SNL" Aguilera. I hate
to admit, I really like her song "Beautiful", and I
love the fact she's basically begging to be a porn star. Always
good news! I'm Joey MacQueen and I am out of here. Don't take
any wooden nickles.. or any wooden coins, for that matter.