Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera
March 15, 2003

By Joey MacQueen

I'm Joey MacQueen, and what can I tell you...

I can tell you I don't like people accusing me of vulgarity. People accusing me of vulgarity? That's fucking bullshit.

I don't mean to go into a rant here, but...

... what's the deal with Jerry Seinfeld? Dear god, does this man have any dignity left? He turns down $7 million, he ends his show two years too late, he makes a movie, returns to stand-up after a Michael Jordan-esque hiatus, gets married, writes a book (a children's book, no less), and now has a baby. "You gotta see the baby" he might say now, or "You have to see this movie, and read this book. Hell, read this book while at my movie!" Yeah, I made that one up. But how much longer before his TV return? Not long, in my estimations. Let's all hope for his movie sequels, "Comedian 2", and "Revenge of the Comedian", followed by "Comedian: Heckled to Death".

THE WWE REPORT

Well, Wrestlemania is quickly approaching, and instead of one or two big matches, we have four or five big matches. Definitely looks to be one of the best ever. Here's a look at the confirmed matches.

Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin vs. Los Guerreros vs Chris Benoit and Rhyno: Has potential to be a huge match, especially with the talent of Team Angle, Los Guerreros and Chris Benoit. Rhyno hasn't yet proven he's worth being Benoit's partner, but he certainly was good in his return matches. Grade: B+

Nathan Jones and Undertaker vs. Big Show and Albert: This is the biggest example of pros and cons. We have Undertaker, who has won ten out of ten Wrestlemania matches, I believe. Impressive. And Nathan Jones is obviously a fan favorite (please don't make him heel). But, Big Show and Albert... I don't know. WWE has shoved Albert and Big Show down our throats, and we all know they're too much to swallow, but I've grown to like them a little. Just a little. They're not the talentless fat bastards that the online community make them out to be. But, Albert doesn't seem to be ready for a Wrestlemania match with Undertaker, nor is Nathan Jones. The guy is a fan favorite, as aforementioned, but he's not the prime choice for this match. An Undertaker vs. Big Show match I would've been fine with. Grade: C+

Matt Hardy vs. Rey Mysterio
What would Wrestlemania be without the intermission match? Two great superstars, who are being wasted on a lost Cruiserweight division. Both of these wrestlers are good enough to be in the big leagues, but neither of them seem to be going there anytime soon. This should be a good match, but don't expect it to be high up on the card. Grade: B

Triple H vs. Booker T
What? Triple H is still champion? After two failed attempts, Scott Steiner will either fight a low card match with someone like Christian, or he won't even make his Wrestlemania debut. Shame that his popularity took him down hard. Anyway, I expect Booker will have a short, but sweet reign as champion, making every black man's dream come true. Damn, this seems to be the black man's century, doesn't it? Everywhere you go, black woman wins Survivor, Denzel and Halle win Oscars, they have their very own award show, and now Booker T will become six-time world champion. Anything, as long as Triple H has the shit beat out of him. Grade: B-

Brock Lesnar vs. Kurt Angle
Really, what can we expect? Kurt is facing retirement, since he will be receiving neck surgery, which could end his career. Now he's put it off to fight at Wrestlemania? This will last a few minutes, because they won't risk making his neck worse. Or maybe he expects to retire. Who knows? The match would've been excellent, but now it'll be a waste for both wrestlers. Grade: C

Vince McMahon vs. Hulk Hogan
This is quite the match. It's origins go on for ten years, way back when Hogan defected to WCW. All the things Vince has said in the past weeks are true, and I say this will be one mother of a match. Great start to Hogan's last run. Grade: B+

The Rock vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin
This IS the main event, no matter where it is on the card. The Rock was and always will be a huge superstar, and his feud with Austin may lead to a win. I'm still not sure, but I will still root for Austin, 100%. Grade: A

Screw TV Guide!

Well, I just finished watching Will Ferrell's turn as guest host on David Letterman, and I was quite impressed. I didn't picture him doing it, but he was very comfy with his role. Great interaction between Will and Chris Rock, and you could tell they must be friends. Crispin Glover (in the haunting "Willard") was a little nervous at first, but Will quickly made him relax, and another great interview. I hope Letterman gets better soon, but I definitely enjoyed seeing Ferrell as host. If it wasn't for his movie career, Will would make an excellent talk show host.

Also, Survivor: Amazon is certainly becoming my second favorite edition. After last year's snooze-fest in Thailand, we get a great cast, with each contestant having their very own characteristics already. Some you love, and some you hate. In my mind, that's what made Survivor: The Australian Outback so enjoyable. It seems Survivor is exactly like the Star Trek movies. The odd numbered Survivors are poorly done, with a very boring feel to them (original, where the alliance began, and predictably won; Africa, where they stayed in a small circle, with the biggest surprise being that black guy eating not one, but TWO cherries; Thailand was just a mess, with an ex-porn star eventually walking off with the grand prize). Australia is my favorite, followed by Amazon, and then Marquesas (Australia 2?).

We All Need a Blockbuster

TV on DVD is the big thing nowadays for DVD buyers. With current releases of The X-Files, The Simpsons, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and The Sopranos already sweeping up big money, what is in store for the future of TV on DVD?

<http://www.tvshowsondvd.com>www.tvshowsondvd.com devotes their entire site to the very subject of TV series on DVD. We already have the aforementioned current TV shows, but what about the past? If you like Cheers, All in the Family, MASH, or The Jeffersons, then you're either in luck, or soon to be in luck. Cheers will be released in May (alongside Frasier), and the other three already have two, three, and one sets released, respectively. While all these shows are being released in season sets, what about I Love Lucy? It's only releasing each season in volumes. Doesn't that suck, if you're a Lucy fan? And what about the prices of some box sets? The X-Files, Star Trek and most HBO drama sets are upwards of $150. That's a lot, boys and girls. X-Files have x-philes, Star Trek has trekkies, and I guess HBO has Soprano-holics.

How about your favorite canceled shows? Don't they deserve recognition? Classics like Sports Night, Once and Again and the newly canceled Futurama all have their own boxed sets, but what about other Brilliant, but Canceled shows? I would love to see the Chris Carter shows (Millennium, Harsh Realm, Lone Gunmen) all get on DVD, but it seems only Millennium will see the light of day. And Seinfeld... Seinfeld could make a fortune! Unfortunately, I have yet to hear of any plans for a DVD release.

So, unless you're a fan of the top dogs of TV, past and present, it seems you'll have to wait for your favorite TV show to get released. I have a wide variety of sets already, but still await the day that all my old favorites are revived in DVD form.

SHOW OVERVIEW

Wow, a double girl show again. Last one was... last week. But that was Queen Latifah and Ms. Dynamite. They don't count. But Salma Hayek and Christina Aguilera sure do. Sure, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Faith Hill would be much better, but Salma is kind of hot, I suppose. X-tina sure is.

(COLD OPENING) Ain't it cool, Bush... ain't it cool?

This was a very strong Bush opener, definitely the strongest and funniest since Chris Parnell took over the impersonation of Bush. We had some assorted question askers, but the funniest was Horatio as some guy from Ain't It Cool News, asking about the new Matrix trailer. Man, doesn't it look so cool? It sure does. (For some reason, I have taken to answering my own questions. Weird...) I can't really remember anyone else, except maybe Amy Poehler, and her "Highlights" question about the robber. Hahaha... underage humor. I remember Rachel Dratch, Will Forte, and Fred Armisen. Anyone else is forgotten to me. Guess they weren't laugh-out-loud hilarious. Anyway, Parnell's Bush is far from perfect (and all you Ferrell fans, hope you tuned in to Letterman on Thursday past to see him reviving his Bush impersonation. Not perfect, either, since he got that afro). Grade: B+

(MONOLOGUE) You win this time, Kattan...

Okay, so maybe he has a little crush on Salma Hayek. Rosie O' Donnell had a crush on Tom Cruise, and look how she turned out. Anyway, this was a pretty good monologue. No silly singing, no audience interaction... just a bunch of jackasses singing to Salma Hayek. Will Forte sings again, in a high voice. And what the hell was Jimmy Fallon dressed as? A doctor you say? And who didn't know that was Ed Norton? I was marking all the names, and was ready to say "Fuck it, if that bozo wants to keep covered, then go ahead", but I gradually figured it out. Cheers to SNL for fitting in yet another cameo, and jeers to SNL, for the cameo going to Ed Norton (Sorry, Edward. You're a great actor, but I still have nightmares about the atrocious Death to Smoochy). Jeers, indeed. Grade: B

(SKETCH) Drunken Irish... just what we need...

Well, Top o' the Morning returns for it's second appearance in two months, much like the sudden return of Rialto Grande in just one month. Coincidentally, Ray Liotta was also on the last Top o' the Morning, and Rialto Grande, and... Oh no, I've gone cross-eyed. Yes, I forgot it's Saint Patrick's Day tomorrow, another reason to get drunk. This was marginally funny, and what? Darrell Hammond NOT doing an impersonation? Weird stuff tonight, folks, weird stuff. And that little guy was almost as funny as Wee Man on Jackass... almost. Salma Hayek was really the funniest part of the sketch. Seth Meyers is all over the place this year, and Jimmy Fallon seems to be one of the few people who are almost a guarantee to leave, but I could be wrong here. Grade: B (could've lost points for the sexual innuendo... did not need that)

(CARTOON) Who really is "hot"?

Wow, this was surprisingly funny. And Lorenzo Lamas guest starred as himself. Should I be happy about that? I guess so, but he wasn't the funny part. All the cartoon characters they had were hilarious, which begs the question, why not Casper? He could easily be ridiculed. Anyway, the variety of characters was nice, and it wouldn't be a TV Funhouse without the "Oh dear god" moment. This time, it went to Barney Rubble, and his giant rubbles... Huh? Huh? Ah, I got nothing. And doesn't Olive Oil have some sort of rack? Maybe not. Anyway, this was quite a funny Funhouse. Better than many of last year's snoozers. Grade: B+

(SKETCH) She prefers X-tina...

Well, Maya Rudolph is not my favorite female of SNL (that honor goes to Amy Poehler), but she is a very funny gal. But, this is one of my least favorite recurring characters, simply because of those half-naked men dancing around in the background. It must be Chris Kattan's idea (yes, I've got you again, Kattan!). Salma in a blonde wig? Pure genius! And she sure throws a good slap. Amy and Fred come waltzing in, think they're funny, and leave. What the hell is the deal with that? Fred Armisen is going the way of Jerry Minor, if he doesn't improve himself soon. And who says SNL doesn't take a peek or two at the reviews (not necessarily mine), because most reviewers wondered why Amy was chosen over Dean Edwards. Well, SNL pulled through, and gave Dean about fifteen seconds. What the hell? Dean not only sounds like Jackson, but he looks like him... well, with the makeup, at least. This was an above average Versace sketch, with lots of laughs. Grade: B

(SKETCH) Boyfriend in a Box

This was one of those filler sketches. Probably wasn't on top of everyone's sketch list at SNL, but it stil made it. I thought it was Ed Norton in the box, but once I listened to the voice, I quickly realized it was Will Forte (third sketch, thus far!!). The best part was seeing Jimmy just pounding the box, like their was no tomorrow. Man, he could have seriously hurt Will. Then he takes a flying leap onto the box. Does the man not know he could hurt someone, or himself? Salma gave the box a small kick. Anyway, this had some funny lines. Fits in with the rest of the night, so far. Grade: B

(COMMERCIAL) Vote Quimby... or, Vote Frida

This was a really good shot at Chicago. Never saw the movie, but I still don't understand all this hype. Anyway, I do hope Salma Hayek wins on next Sunday, since Nicole Kidman won already, Renee Zellweger is in "Chicago", Diane Lane needs no reasoning on why she doesn't deserve the award, and Julianne Moore can win for Supporting Actress. I also found the plagiarism line funny. Great commercial. Grade: A-

(NEWS) Weekend Update with Jimmy, Tina, Ferecito, Avril and Gollum

Wow, two Updates ago, we had cameos galore. This Update, we have... well, what they can work with. The jokes we much better than previous weeks, and the Yelling at Americans bit was great. Tina had some bad rants a while ago, so it was nice to see that, if you could classify it as a rant. I'm not a person with a great memory, so the jokes always are forgotten, but I do remember laughing a few times. I think I laughed more at Jimmy's jokes, then Tina's jokes, but she may have written all the jokes, I don't know. I was wondering when Ferecito would return. The addition of his wife, played by Hayek, was a great addition, indeed. The jokes were stale, when he returned with John McCain, but this time, they were able to perfect Ferecito. I didn't do the silly face, but had a few good, funny lines. And I didn't even expect Salma to say "I'm just keeding!", but it was better than him saying it. Amy Poehler as Avril Lavigne was really unneccesary. First off, Avril was just there in January. Second, it wasn't a good impersonation. I have yet to see Avril act like that (unless she did, after her Grammy loss). So, that's two consecutive bad impersonations from Amy (the first was Michael Jackson). And finally, Chris Kattan as Gollum was definitely one of the best impersonations I've seen him do. I'm not sure, but I heard he was on the SNL Halftime show, as well. This was funny, and a hard act to follow (after Avril). And finally, Jimmy went back to singing again, this time doing more Sandler-esque parodies of popular songs. I don't like Jimmy a lot, but he does a good job at song parodies, especially Eminem's Oscar-nominated Lose Yourself (not an Oscar-worthy song, I might add). This was a great Update, much better than others this season. Grade: B+

(SKETCH) Sexual Education in Cleveland?

Another filler sketch, which I suppose had it's moments. I don't think Salma's shirt could've been open anymore, without being censored. Geez, I didn't know they were that big. Yes, I am commenting on her breasts. Any problems? Good. Anyway, Horatio plays that same character, and Tracy is apparently into he-shes. Anne Heche, anyone? Rachel was funny, as was Fred Armisen (for a change). But again, nothing stood out as hilarious in the sketch. Grade: B-

(COMMERCIAL) Curses to Chicago!

I knew it was going to be another Salma Hayek commercial, when I heard Chicago. This wasn't as funny as the first, but still was funny in it's own way. Let's all hope Frida gets the win at the Oscars. Grade: B

(SKETCH) Ay, there's the rub...

Very funny parody. I thought we were going to be subject to another King Kong spoof from Drew Barrymore's show last year. Horatio and Jimmy work very well together, and always seem to break character with every sketch they do together. Darrell makes another unneeded appearance (easily could have been replaced), so I suspect this is his last year on SNL. Tracy and Salma with the, uhh, King Kong's Big Dong was funny too, and it only got funnier. Not a strong sketch, but better than I expected. Grade: B

(COMMERCIAL) Renee Zellweger or... Renee Zellweger?

Another funny commercial. You got to love Salma Hayek (whether you want to or not). Maybe Renee is a guy, and we don't know it. Grade: B+


Players of the Night: Salma Hayek, Fred Armisen
Sketch of the Night: Salma's Anti-Chicago, Weekend Update
Worst Sketch: (none really... lowest grade went to Seduction Class)
I didn't get the number of skits for cast members
Forte-a-tron: Opener, monologue, Boyfriend in a Box (3)
The Not At All Ripping Off Mark Polishuk's Kattan O Metre: No, Gollum's not gay...

CLOSING STATEMENTS

A very consistently good show. Salma Hayek was a very good host, and kept me laughing most of the night, especially with her Anti-Chicago ads. Christina Aguilera obviously doesn't watch SNL, but her songs were better than half the crap this year.

(I won't feature the Episode Rankings until next show)

April 5th, Bernie Mac hosts. Another black host, I see. I don't expect much from it, and I was right about the horrid Queen Latifah. Hopefully Ray Romano will be better, on April 12th. I'll see you all then. I'm Joey MacQueen and I am out of here. Don't get killed while we're apart.