Al Gore / Phish
December 14, 2002

By The Doc

FROM THE OFFICES OF "THE DOC"

Well here we are, The end of 2002. A time where all of your pointless family bickering can be set aside for just one day. (Or if you don't have the time, a few hours of just one day.) Anyway, this is the last show of 2002. Which means that more sooner than later, it will become 2003...I can't make it sound any more simple than that. All kidding aside, we don't know what the next year will bring to us. And with that chilling thought in mind, I think that it's time, ladies and gentlemen, that we take a look into the future...

(CONAN O'BRIEN ENTERS IN HIS "YEAR 2000" COSTUME.)

CONAN:
The Future, Doc?

DOC: That's right Television Personality and fellow Red-Head, Conan O'Brien! Let's look into the future, (By stealing your bit) All the way to the year 2000!... Uh, and 3!

SINGER:
"In the Year 2000, In the Year 2000..."

DOC: Japan will be admitted into the union as the 51st state. The Japaneese will be caught completely off guard.

SINGER: "In the year 2000..."

CONAN: Parrots will begin to unionize under the name "The Brotherhood of the Repeating Birds." They will Strike Over and Over again.

SINGER: "In the year 2000..."

DOC: Michael Jackson's Baby, "Prince Michael II" will write a tell all memoiar recalling that one brief glorious moment when he nearly escaped.

SINGER: "In the Year 2000..."

CONAN: An Apple will strike the head of a man named "Newton" and will enable him into thinking up theories for gravity, Mr. Newton will discover that this has been done before. Mr. Newton will then create a Cookie made of Figs and Golden Brown Cake, Newton will discover that this too has already been done before. Mr. Newton will then Kill Himself.

SINGER: "In the year 2000..."

DOC: When encountering an unpleasant odor, people will no longer say "PU". Instead, they will say "WX".

SINGER: "In the year 2000..."

CONAN: Popular campfire songs such as "Kum-bai-ya" and "This Old Man", will be replaced by the song "All Hail Ja-Mar, Our new alien master from the Stars!"

SINGER: "In The Year 2000..."

DOC: "Ball Park Franks" will no longer "Plump up when you cook 'em" But will actually "Scream when you bite into 'em".

SINGER: "In the year 2000..."

CONAN: Christian Fundamentalists will briefly reconsider their position on Homosexuality, when they com across a bunch of mis-printed bibles that actually do say "Adam and Steve".

SINGER: "In the year 2000..."

DOC: After Musician "Sting" claims to have Tantric Sex for over 12 hours with a partner, Conan Tries to top him by having Tantric sex for 12 hours without a partner.

SINGER: "In the year 2000..."

CONAN: (SHAKES HIS HEAD AFTER HEARING THE LAST JOKE) The upcoming finale of Survivor Thailand will obtain the show's lowest ratings ever. When it is revealed that at the final "Tribal Council" meeting, Host Jeff Probst will be pulling the ballots out of his Ass

SINGER: "In the year 2000..."

DOC: The "Today" show will be put on Hiatus when a fatal accident during the promotional stunt "Where in the world is Matt Lauer?" turns into "Where in the Tiger's stool is Matt Lauer?"

SINGER: "In the year 2000..."

CONAN: We will finally know what makes French Vanilla Ice Cream different from Regular Vanila... Cowardice.

SINGER: "In the year 2000..."

DOC: Finally, Chemists will discover what makes "simple sugars" so "Simple", Their Parents were brother and sister!

SINGER: "In the year 2000..."

DOC: Well thanks a lot for helping me out, Conan.

CONAN: Don't mention it! Next time you steal my bit though, get my permission first.

DOC: Will do, CO'B, Conan O'Brien Ladies and gentlemen! (APPLAUSE) OK, let's get to the review. Peanut Butter & Jelly, Ham & Eggs, Black & White, Al Gore & Phish... Once again, I can't make it any simpler than that. Anyway, it's always good when political people can make fun of themselves without toil. But something tells me that this is a mirror image of the John McCain show. Let's just find out about that...
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Al and Tipper or "I got a home remedy that'll put the zowzers back in your trousers"

Geez, I take back everything I ever said about Al Gore being "Stiff", except for some key areas...But that's not what this is about! I did find a few key things a little frightening, like Tipper going all "Grabby, Grabby" on his (Ahem) Backside. All the little side jokes from Lorne and Co. were what made this funny. BTW, I hope Jimmy was kidding when He said that "This is his last season" The show's bad enough W/O Will Ferrell, don't make it worse!

Diagnosis: A
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Monolouge or "I must have spent our last $10 on this Al Gore doll" (PULLS STRING)"You are hearing me talk."

Just when I thought this was going to be a monolouge, BAM! It's a sketch...Of "The Bachelor" nonetheless! It was a little unusual to see a guy competing over...Well, guys. This one loses points with that whole (SHUDDER) Hot tub Scene. But it was an otherwise good mono-sketch.

Diagnosis: B
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Hardball or "No children have ever meddled with the Republican party and lived to tell about it."

I know, I hate Trent Lott too. This "Hardball" wasn't as big a "Crazy Train" as the last one, but it was still good. And once again, Tracy steals the scene. The way he's making up words, you'd think he's Dr. Seuss. Amy acted like the perfect "Yes Man" Woman. Meanwhile, I think it's a little damaging to Mr. Gore to pose as a guy who's said such things. Sure it's a parody, but still...

Diagnosis: B+
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Fiesta Politica or "Ay, Ay, Ay, No me Gusta"

Just couldn't wait for 12:50, could you? Just about the only thing that was funny, and the only thing that saved this from being a suckfest, was that little thing with the Chihuahua. Pretty much because I was wishing that it would take a "Stage Fright Piss". That would have made it even funnier. But I guess I had to settle for...That!

Diagnosis: D
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West Wing or "Only Turkeys have Left wings"

Well this was unexpected, And yet I kind of expected something political like this. Anywho, This just didn't seem that funny the first time I saw it, or the 2nd. But there were some gems, such as pretending to be President, how cute. Anyway, this one get's my last "Oy Vey of the Day" for 2002 because It's nice for someone to pretend sometimes.

Diagnosis: C+
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Jarrett's Room or "I did know, I Just wanted to hear it from 'Phish.'"

I'm not sure if that whole Leather thing was part of Feinstein's 80s phase, but either way, it's the wrong place for it. IMHO, they really didn't need Gore for this one, pretty much because "Phish" overshadowed it. Other than that, it's "Same ol' same ol.'" Jarrett is the "Da Brains", Gobi is the all about "Da Bong", and Brian Urlacher is part of "Da Bearss".

SUPERFANS: "Da Bearsssss"

Diagnosis: B+

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PHISH:

Forget the "Chia Bong", These guys are single-handedly responsible for making Pot Smoking fun again.

Diagnosis: N/A

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Update or "Dad, you must really love us to sink so low"

It's come to this, Tina Fey and Jimmy Fallon have officially become Norm McDonald. All kidding aside, I love Norm, it's just that for this year, the jokes have sucked more than Jill Kelly. (BaZing!) And in tonight's update, they started repeating jokes in a "Or so the Germans would have you believe" sort of way. For all I care, I hope that it gets better before it turns into a, Dare I say...

AUDIENCE: Dare, Dare!

A Colin Quinn Style Update! Once Again, I'm kidding! I love Colin Quinn too.

Diagnosis: F
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Stuart Smally or "We've just started to scratch the surface, I think the real root of your problems are with your Husband."

What? No Trumphant applause? Oh, I know why, it's because of the eerie voice of Phil Hartman being used. But I digress, AL FRANKEN IS BACK!!! And I can't figure out why! It would have been one of those "Great Moments", but the fact that they are directly ripping off the one from the Michael Jordan Ep. Sure a few elements are different, but it's still the same thing. But on the other hand...AL FRANKEN IS BACK!!! I wonder if he'll be back for a few "Other" things?

Diagnosis: C+
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Wonka or "Ok, We've got the Sugar, Now where's the Oompa-Loompa?"

This ties for The funniest sketch I've seen tonight, for a number of reasons. 1, The Ridiculous Oompa-Loompa costumes. And 2, The fact that somehow, I think "Phish" got involved with this one in their own "Special" way. This explains why Al Gore is the loosest he's been in years, it also explains why where were all of those Oompa-Loompa words going across the screen. All of that aside, this wasn't the Only funny thing tonight...

Diagnosis: A+
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TV Funhouse or "If TV has taught me anything, it's that miricles always happens to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, It happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's going to happen to us!"

Wherever he's buried today, Charles Shultz is not only rolling around in his grave, but he's also rolling so fast that he's burnt a hole in his casket... But do I care, No! This was the 2nd Funniest thing I have seen on the show tonight, and 12th overall funniest thing I've seen on SNL, and you can bet that it's going to be on Tuesday's Christmas Show. Even I have been wondering for some time how they turned a tree like that into a good one. It defies all logic! Then again, so does J-lo's Ass. Bravo Mr. Smigel!

Diagnosis: A+
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Subway Fred/Ritchie/George or "Buy me a Beer, $2 a Glass. C'mon, help me, I'm freezing my ass."

Everybody keeps Bad-mouthing these sketches, But I think that I'm probably the only SNL Reviewer that sees some sort of Artsy value in these. In fact, I think that there used to be a time when SNL had Sketches like these. One example is that one "Mr. Mike" when Larane Newman sings "Madam Butterfly". Y'know, something like that. The only thing that doesn't make it work, is Maya's "Edith Bunker-esque" singing.

Diagnosis: C
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X-mas song or "It's a Krusty Kinda Kristmas, Brought to you by 'ILG'; 'Selling your body's chemicals after you die.' And by 'Lil Sweetheart Cupcakes', a subsidiary of ILG."

Y'know, it's rare to find something On SNL these days that you could never get tired of. This being one of them. Don't be supprised if there's a montage of these on Tuesday. Who did I think looked the most ridiculous? It's a tie Between Chris and Tracy, Tracy Because "Chicken Dance Elmo" is not "Tweety Bird" (Whom he gushes about so much). And Chris because

...And I'm going to get lots of heat from everybody for this, please don't sue...

...
I thought that they don't allow Gays in the military. (AUDENCE BOOS REALLY BAD JOKE)

FERRICITO & ME: "We're Just Keeeeding!!!"

Diagnosis: A+

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Grand Diagnosis: B+

Prescription: If only "Update" were this good.

Next Time: Uh, I don't know! With Musical Guest...Uh, I don't know either! Typical, eh?

This Review is Dedicated to All the Men and Women of America...Who actually
learned the meaning of Christmas From Linus Van Pelt.

"So Have A Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah,(Even though it ended a Week ago.) Kwazy Kwanzaa, A Tip-Top Tet, And A Solemn And Dignified Ramadan." Until Next time, "The Doctor is Out"

And Don't forget to "FREE YOUR MIND":