Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne
January 11, 2003

By Nick Mayhew

"I support limiting terms in Congress, especially those in the House and Senate." Who doesn't love Dan Quayle?

Sports review-

Many of my friends in the SNL online community have been giving me a hard time all week after that absolutely heartbreaking lost last week the Giants suffered against the 49ers. I was completely stunned at the end of the game; unbearable. The G-men were only up by 14,and the 49ers were still coming back, and I had a nervous feeling they somehow will win this one- and look what happened. Yes, the Giants made some errors in the game and the refs made a lot of bad calls against them, but had Sean Williams NOT fought back, Giants were guaranteed 30 yards because of the 49ers (the two incidents involving Sean- both were 15 yards each). So, instead of a 46 yard field goal at the end of the game to win it, it would have only been a 16 yard field goal, and the Giants could've won it. I think I cried all night. Only 6 more months till I see Jim Fassel and the Giants again here in Albany.

Mailbag- queue Paul Shaffer and the Stump the Band contestants

Loco writes,

I have to say that i really like the site. it is
definitely the best one i have seen. i especially
like the breakdown of the hosts and MG's. i should
point out that in Season 27 you listed some episodes
twice. Right after Britney Spears you repeated from
the top. Just thought i would point that out. 

I was reading your list of the Top 25 Impressions. i
have to slightly disagree. I would put Clinton at #2;
it was dead on 100%. But my fav would have to be
Presiden Bush Sr. i think that was Dana Carvey's
breakthrough impression. He is someone that seemed
impossible to copy and Dana did it w/ easy. i see
your point that he didn't quite look like him, but
Dana was close. Plus Bush is a lot taller which he
can't control. i think Bush Sr. was just the
breakthrough impession of SNL. 

As far as the rest, i agree w/ most even though i
haven't seen some of them. i can't believe you don't
have Hammond's Gore on there. That was dead on if i
ever saw it. Being a Republican, i was never a fan of
Ferrel's George W. He does have the manuerisms down
pat, but i think Parnell looks more like him. 

Thanks for listening. Good reviews and good



Thanks for writing. Neil and I put a tremendous amount of time into SNLHQ and we hope that it pays off and that you and other fans enjoy the content. Thanks for pointing out that mistake; it should be corrected shortly. I understand what you're saying about Dana as Bush Sr. There really wasn't anyone else in the cast who could play him, and Dana did a great job. He didn't look like him that much except when he had the glasses on, and even then it wasn't dead on. The voice was good, but also not dead on. Darrell just does a fantastic job with his Clinton and has to be close to real as any other impression; he did it so perfectly. But yes, Dana did a good job too. I don't recall actually debating whether to put Darrell's Gore in there- it may just have slipped my mind. Being a democrat, Darrell's Gore was down cold. 

Catherine Jones, writes,

Could you please tell me the title of the closing theme song for Saturday Night Live? I think it is such a beautiful song. Is there a download song? Thank you for any help you can provide.

The song that you hear during the goodnights is simply called "Closing Theme (A Waltz in A)." It was originally written by Howard Shore in 1975, and has been used for most of the entire show's history with the exception of the 1980-1981 season. The piano cadenza is done by L. Leon Pendarvis, which starts right after the last sketch of the night. My friend and musical director Lenny Pickett plays the tenor sax during the goodnights.

Those of you who have SNL websites know that you constantly get people emailing you about the show and think that YOU are actually the show. This is one of my all time favorite mails, I'd have to say-

Ashley pleads,

is jimmy fallon leaving? if he is, make him stay

I'll get right on that, chief.

Have a question, comment, concern? Write to the mailbag-

Let's see what's new in the world this week. It was reported that Diana Ross had some of her drunk driving charges lowered. Yea, apparently, the judge was afraid she'd look like Nick Notle I guess.

British rock star Pete Townshend, guitarist with legendary band The Who, on Saturday admitted paying to view Internet child pornography but denied he was a pedophile and said it was for research purposes. Yea, Townshend further commented, "Hey, do I look like a priest?"

French filmmaker Maurice Pialat, who won the Cannes Film Festivals coveted Palme d'Or prize, died Saturday. His funeral is expected to be much like himself; boring, smelly, and arrogant; just like the damn French.

A spectator who urinated on a linesman at a sevens tournament in Kent southeast England last year has been banned from any rugby activity for five years by the Rugby Football Union. The spectator said he got the brilliant idea after visiting the New York City subways.

ABC spent a full hour of primetime talking to Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston. Why does something completely inane like that fascinate us? Our culture has gone from GE College Bowl to the guy on Wheel of Fortune who asks, "Is there an 'F,' as in pharoh?" Is intelligence a liability nowadays? I think we can answer that with one word: "Duh!" America has never been what you would call highbrow, but these days it seems our collective cranial ridge is sloping like the shoulders of the bar boy at the Kennedy compound.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but we live in an era and a time where calling someone an Einstein is considered to be somewhat of an insult. Morons are out there in force making left-hand turns from right-hand lanes, trying to pay for drive-thru tacos with a fucking check, calling 411 to get the number for information, and in most of our fine metropoli, the reposed "Fuck off!" will get you a seat at the local Algonquin round table. What happened? I'll tell you what happened.

First and foremost, as a matter of fact, numbers 1, 2, and . . . what come after 2, we didn't pay enough attention to our education system. We gotta stop paying teachers like the kid who delivers grit! For Christ's sake, these are the people who will lead us and our children into the century and they can't even afford real Yodels, okay? They have to get those 144 count price-club steamer trunk size of Little Debby's, the equivalent.

High school kids are entering the job market with an education that barely qualifies them to run the Tilt-A-Whirl at the traveling carnival. Even those fortunate enough to graduate from Ivy-League schools, well, they go to write movie scripts about, guess what . . . stupid people.


And that brings us to our next reason. Let's face facts, the TV beast ate us whole quicker than a dog on a Dreamsicle, all right? Most talk shows are bimbomercials. Connie Chung actually hosted a network news show for a year, and many sitcoms need two longshoremen with a pipe wrench to twist the canned laughter dial. Bright people whom I really used to respect now stay home to watch "Beverly Hills, 90210." Why bother? You just know that every week Brandon and Dillon are gonna let Kelly jerk 'em around for a while and Dawn and Ray are gonna be having yet another abusive spat at the Peach, but, oh, I hate Ray!! T.V. producers say Americans enjoy the stupid shit. But, hey, it's the same reason Eskimos enjoy blubber; it's the only fucking thing available at the Arctic buffet, okay? Pop culture has turned the brain into the body's new appendix; no real function and it could quite possible blow up and kill you. As organs go, you just don't need your brain anymore. As a matter of fact, I'm certain in the very near future people will go to the hospital, or should I say, turn on the hospital channel, and get their brain taken out just as a precaution.

Indeed, in the business of television brightness can often be taken from you and used as a semitarn to cleave your occupational head off. A late night man I enjoy, Jon Stewart, ran a pretty tight, and might I add, pretty intelligent little Keebler tree over there till it was chopped down by MTV years ago. Now there are many reasons for the cancellation of a television show. I'm pretty sure Jon will tell you that the copability flow chart on the demise of his show read like the genealogy of the kid on the porch in "Deliverance." But, I'm reasonable sure it had something to do with Jon use of words like "genealogy," which I think most Americans believe to be when Barbara Eden visits her OB-GYN.

America, we are at a fork in the road. To the left you've got books, and to the right, the never-ending horizon of the new technology. I, myself, am taking a hard left because if they talk you into hanging that rico, the new technology is only gonna make it worse. Now they tell you it's gonna make it better, but if you notice the voice they tell you that in is always the computer generated one and it's digitally synthesized too. That means less expected from us, less striving, less brainwork, more stupid, and eventually the king will be the one who just doesn't shit himself. You know, our reliance on technology is making us soft and if we're not careful it will only get worse.

Scientists estimate that by the end of this century, via the means of Virtual Reality, a man will be able to assimilate making love to any women he wants to through his television set. You know, folks, the day an unemployed ironworker can lay in his Bark-a-lounger with a Fosters in one hand and a channel flicker in the other and fuck Claudia Schiffer for $19.95, it's gonna make crack look like Sanka, all right?!

Of course that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

I wanna know what you think America. Give me a ring at

Tonight's guest you know from the NASCAR world, and from what I hear, he's not that bad. Please welcome Jeff Gordon.

[COLD OPENING] North Korea News

This wasn't that funny; at all. The only funny stuff was the Reese Witherspoon joke. Sure, Horatio as some Korean is funny, but there wasn't really a punchline to any of this, and Maya was just extremely annoying. This was kinda like that opening from the DeGeneres show last year; coincidentally, both were the 9th show of the season. 

RATING: 4/10

[MONOLOGUE] Jeff Gordon

I thought the idea of having Rachel and Parnell playing these fans of NASCAR was quite clever. But, to make it even better, they had them as people dressing up like NASCAR fans and having them just be from Manhattan, and thought "they'd make the most of the show" after waiting 4 years for tickets. Pretty funny I thought.

RATING: 7.5/10


Joe Millionaire is the dumbest show I've ever seen. This was insanely funny and gets the thumbs up mark here.

RATING: 9/10

[SKETCH] Brian Fellow's Safari Planet

I like this one better than the last. It actually was somewhat amusing this time. And, Barron probably wet his pants over the O'Reilly reference, which I dug too. Skit did well.

RATING: 6.5/10

[SKETCH] Access Hollywood

I don't watch this show, but I see commercials run for it and see that moron in them, and I thought Jimmy did a good job of making him look like an ass. Maya actually had a decent impression, but her voice got all too annoying after some time. Forte is an awesome cop.

RATING: 6/10

[COMMERCIAL] Meet Joe Caucasian

Another excellent job.

RATING: 9/10

[SKETCH] Career Day

This skit topped the awesome list as far as "having the ability to be really funny." Seth totally made this skit cool, and had great lines too. Jeff played it pretty well, but didn't have that many funny lines, and so, Seth and Amy were awesome again, together.

RATING: 6/10

[SKETCH] Star Dates

When the do the cut ins during the commercial I saw DEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and almost had a heart attack. But then, he only had a brief line. Jeff's Gary Busey kicked SO much ass and was seriously the best impression all year. I mean, I couldn't stop laughing when he was doing his impression. Which should tell Lorne something- Let Jeff do impressions! Darrell ain't gonna be around forever, so let Jeff get some practice. He's got some new and fresh impressions, and could bring some funny moments to the show. I thought most of the other parts were decent and it turned out to be a good sketch, and I also enjoyed Rachel's part as his fiancé.

RATING: 9/10

[COMMERCIAL] Joe Not a Rapist


RATING: 9/10

[MUSIC] Avril Lavigne

Granted I went to get some Friday's Cheese and Artichoke Dip and chips during this, I still could hear it, and it sounded pretty good.

RATING: 8/10

[WEEKEND UPDATE] With Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey

We see Amy and Kattan as the clones, and I enjoyed that commentary much. Then we see Gay Hitler. Did he combine Gay Hitler with Hollywood, cause it sounded horrible. The voiceover thing was good, but Jimmy, you ain't gonna win. My man George has to win- he's the funniest thing out there. Jokes were good, and did anyone notice the resemblance between the clone and Billy Bob Thornton/Jolie bit back in 2000? 

RATING: 9/10

[SKETCH] Fishtank

This had that recurring smell like when you walk into the dairy section and smell some bad Helluva Good Dip rotting all over it. And knowing Lorne, it'll probably turn out that way. I didn't really find it remotely funny.

RATING: 2/10

[SKETCH] Charlie Rose

You can always count on Darrell for a good sketch. And we got one here. The mixup with him and Cheney was amusing, and that's about it folks. Still funny.

RATING: 7.5/10

[SKETCH] Joe Dude

This was giving me scary flashbacks of when I was in Tina Fey's dressing room in May, and I said "Hi" to her, and she was like super awesome and said "Hi" back, and then even talked to me for a minute or two. But then the following week on national TV we saw her in that same dressing room I was in shaving her face, which was creepy. Nonetheless, this was awesome and Tina does not make a good lesbian.

RATING: 9.5/10

[MUSIC] Avril Lavinge

Good stuff.

[SKETCH] Terrye Funck

Alright- but not funny. Jeff just doesn't have that comedic talent.

[COMMERCIAL] Stripper Pole

Rachel + associated with her being a stripper = nightmares for me

RATING: 4/10




QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: Tina Fey on WU, "HBO announced Tuesday that the upcoming season of Sex and the City will be the last. HBO executives said that the girls have simply run out of holes."



This one blew it. Not anything spectacular but a few things were good. Let's try and forget this one. Next week is Ray Liotta from GOODFELLAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and The Donnas. 

Guess what folks? That's the news and I am outta here