Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne
January 11, 2003

By Chris Schiffmann

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2000/2001 (16) _ 2001/2002 (20) _ 2002/2003
(09)

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Phony SNL Auction Item (Bear suit). TV Moment of the Week (The Shield). Pre-Show Thoughts. The Review. The Rankings . Insert Mark Polishuk Here. Goodbye with Colin Quinn. Next Week. Thanks.

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Phony SNL Auction Item: Bear Suit [featured in Robert DeNiro] Wear the suit that Fred Armisen wore or re-inact the bear fucking scene from the movie Supertroopers.

Current Highest Bid: 6 cloned Will Ferrells.

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Television Moment of the Week: The Shield's season premiere. While 24 had one gruesome scene (regardless if it was on network or cable) the whole hour of The Shield was just a great thing seeing a man who used to be 'Daddio' kicking some Mexician's ass and him doing anything to get his kids back.

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PRE-SHOW THOUGHTS:

Long pre-show thoughts, so scroll down if you want. All SNL related though.

(01)Turns out that Peanuts cartoon did offend a some people. Peanuts fans were offened that two characters became lesbians during the cartoon.

(02) NBC is giving SNL the Half Time Show Slot this year after it awarded Fear Factor last year. U2 provided entertainment last year, and was better than a the Playboy Fear Factor which was replayed on later dates anyways. NBC did snag some movie trailers for commerical space just like all Super Bowls do. NBC now as the AFL. They've lost all the major sports leagues (NFL, NBA, MLB) helped create the XFL and destroy it by sticking on prime time across the country.So what are they going to do to lure viewers away from ABC? Well I'm guessing similar stuff during Survivor Austraila. Now the material will be questionable. The Primetime Specials were great and it's a shame Comedy Central or E! didn't repackage the two specials into one show.

(03) Jeff Gordon is hosting? If only I had signed up for the Host Perdictions Contest. :( Happy to read that Ray Liotta will host next week. Narc looks great, he was a good guest on Conan a week ago or so and while not a comedian he's a host selection that makes sense and he seems to be the guy who'll host a great show.

(04) Well the majority of teenage girls of North America can sleep easy now that it's clear Jimmy Fallon isn't leaving to do a situation comedy at NBC this year. So stop the hunger strike, stop slitting your wrists and stop the thoughtless destruction of General Electric products.

Conan O'Brien Robot Voice: General Electric Good. Watch NBC.

It was known that he and Tina had signed a two year contract, and if he was planning on having a pilot it would've made the media outlets where we get our info from.

(05) On Boxing Day I bought the Back to the Future Trilogy on DVD. That night I found out about the framing error on Part II and III that has the DVD geeks and die hard BttF fans wanting to wreak havoc on Universal Studios.Great trilogy and the set has some good features. Anyway I'd like to see SNL do a parody of this. The Willy Wonka DVD and Episode II HBO Special parodies in the past have excellent and I think they can scrape together some good lines and an idea for a sketch. Problem is there aren't many tall people on the SNL except for Dean and with his contract he can only appear on stage for 10 minutes all season. Don't want to waste all the time half way through the season. Just a wish. Maybe SNL You! can uses this.

(06) Any Canucks watch Dave Foley's The True Meaning of Christmas Sepcials? Former SNL, SCTV, Kids in the Hall castmembers in a Xmas Special of course it will be good. And for the most part it was. Some stuff wasn't funny, but some stuff was real good. Plus a brand new Xmas show has been created. Mike Myers (as himselft in a bathtub of money), Tom Green (as Mike's butler), Dave Thomas (Bob Hope), Kevin McDonald (Ghost of Christmas Specials Future), Joe Flaherty (as Bing Crosby), Jason Priestley (as himself) and the rest. Mr.Foley did a great David Bowie impression.

(07) Darrell Hammond appeared on the last C'OB of 2002 and didn't have his usual stuff. Well it was impressions we've heard but it wasn't Teddy Kennedy telling bedtime stories. (twice on Conan, once on Leno) While Conan did setup Hammond, the impressions make up for it. I would've missed it, but I remembered that Late Night always has the Central Time Zone Countdown (which iterupted the interview) If you're a fan of Hammond catch the audio at saturdaynighlive.tv.

(08) Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn on Comedy Central after TDS was alright. At times Colin would bomb but he would have some good ones. Nick DePaulo always had the best stuff. Jerry Seinfeld posed this question to his fellow comedians "What's the parking situation at the Special Olympics?" Wasn't like his great NBC show, but it still had the ethnic jokes. His Ethnic Countdown was the best idea. I'd like CC to continue it.

(09) Spoilers eh. Some sound good.The Fox shows and Diana Ross will probably be good. Saw some brief stuff with the DeMarco Bros., they should've ended it with Kirsten Dunst's episode 'cause it was done then. Stripper poll sketch better not have Kattan. Hopefully the opening has something to do with the cloning deal going on. Not regulated to a poorly recieved Jimmy Fallon WU joke or a Tina Fey rant that goes on too long. Nothing has topped Hef's girlfriends, the Pizza Party one was close.

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COLD OPENING: North Korea Krap [4/10]

Liked how they tried to look like NBC was postponing SNL, that's pretty much it. They tried oh how they tried. The Reese Witherspoon stuff was good and of course any masturbation joke is bound to get a chuckle right writing staff? Leave the openings to Hammond.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: Jeff Gordon? [5/10]

Thought Parnell would break character there. Liked the concept, the audience seemed to enjoy this one since 'they were in the audience'. Parnell and Dratch did a good job. Crossworld puzzle thing was actually good. Bad opening and mono? There done.

COMMERICIAL: Meet Gay Joe [6/10]

Liked all the parodies. Should've been a sketch.

SHOW: Brian Fellow's Safari Planet [5.5/10]

The snake puppet was well done. Tracy, you can only say "I'm Brian Fellow!" so many times before it's done. Sheep seemed to help itself to Brian's flowers. Another Rochester referene from Haratio. Blaster is a good name. I like SNL making the 'No Spin Zone' reference but the audience is too dumb to watch news channels.

SHOW: Access Hollywood [6.4/10]

I have a pretty good idea what will make Monday's Moment of AC. Fallon finally does an impression and well does one. Sounds like Ryan Seacrest. Give me Nancy O'Dell. AC is my choice for the latest movie/tv news. Its the lesser of asskissing/tabloid/how to make cheap celeblike dresses between ET and AC. I loathe when they do stuff on Julia Roberts, any diva or what's her face wore at The ________. Had potential but in the end Blockbuster got some Conan Time. (sweet on air time). Rudolph was good, but not really funny. Atleast someone takes a shot at Pat's rhymes.

COMMERICIAL: Meet Black Joe [6.2/10]

The makeup could've been better. I've seen Eddie Murphy on a bus, so c'mon SNL splurge on the makeup.

SKETCH: Carpets and the Cougar [5/10]

No one seemed to bail out on a sketch tonight ('cept for Sanz and Fallon at the end) which is good to see, but there shouldn't be so many sketches with the ejection button almost being pressed. Predictable. Sucks to be PJ. The lesson in the sketch is do presentations first before a presentation can blow yours away.

SHOW: Star Dates [7.3/10]

The sketch gets a 7.3, the impression of Gary Busey gets a 10. A scary impression since it was like Gary Busey was there. Gary Busey was picked on at the 25 Anniversary by Crystal and he gets it again this time. I can't say enough good things about it. The audience was terrible tonight. Some stuff well I don't fault them, but I'm sure there was people at home who thought Richards was hillarious. Bring back Busey in a different sketch. If they still had Celebrity Jeopardy he would be great. Nick Nolte does look like Busey.  

WEEKEND UPDATE: with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey [7.4/10]

Ah here are the clones. Kattan and Poehler did well but would've liked to have seen a sketch spawned from this appearence. When they said they had Eve, I knew Dratch would appear in a disgusting costume. Most jokes didn't work tonight. The Brad Pitt/comedy club thing should come back again. I actually liked overhearing Fallon's thoughts. He probably thought that Fish Tank sketch was gold. Then Forte shows up and being a fan of Ghostbusters I enjoyed Fallon's face when he thought he was going to phone them. Williams and Carlin are in a much higher league than Fallon. Fey started with Bush and the punchline had SpongeBob SquarePants. Kattan returns as Gay Hollywood Hitler. Take a good WU fixture (Gay Hitler) and combine it with one of the worst (Hollywood) and you have a crappy WU guest. Only have Gay Hitler be gay or a speedskater. Larry David is the man. Hope his show wins the Golden Globe instead of those ladies at Sex in the City who have ru! n out of holes.

SHIT: The Fish Sketch [2/10]

Forte and Armisen somehow managed to amuse me after I entered that coma. If you laughed at Sanz and Fallon cracking up I hope it was out of pity. This was a crater of no laughs and just disgust. If this was funny or semi-funny I could see it as a recurring sketch. Thankfully this bombed big time and it won't be seen agan.

SHOW: Charlie Rose [5.6/10]

During the commericals I got excited since it was Richards and Hammond together in a sketch. I thought for sure Darrell could provide the laughs this show needed. Sadly it didn't happen. They're doing things great but there just missing a few things. One would be have an audience who knows who Charlie Rose is. The confusion with Cheney was the bright spot.

COMMERICIAL: Meet Joe Dude [6/10]

Tina makes another outside WU appearence.

SHOW: The Terrye Funck Hour [4.9/10]

High hopes for this sketch, I don't know it didn't work. Gordon actually plays a role where he isn't a boring character. Now did the writers do it on purpose (naming the character after the wrestler)? If more effort was put into jokes then names that people would recognize it would be a better show. Or picking a better host.

COMMERICIAL: The Stripper Pole [3/10]

Well if the DeMarco Bros. sketch was cut I guess you can imagine how bad it was. Anyway this sounded like it would be funny, but instead it joined the countless bad last sketch pile. I thought Tracy and Dean dancing to the three most popular songs would've gotten more response from the audience.

OVERALL SHOW RATING: 94.5/120 = [56.4/100]

D-U-D. We go from best show of the season to one of the worst shows in the past three seasons. Tom Green, Derek Jeter, Jeff Gordon. Who ever concieved the idea of having Jeff Gordon hosting must be like Fred Armisen's pants down character. This is one of the worst shows, even with the Tom Green episode there were some good sketches: Decision 2000 (Gore and Bush singing), the first Hardball, WU and to a lesser extent VH1 Storytellers (Will and Kattan making out). But that show was taken down by the wedding never happening, Bald Eagles, Lorne and Tom in a Tub, Rap Street, that annoying pig in Dog Show, Oprah and Round the Clock.

With this one there was Star Dates and WU and the Fox Parodies. But none of those were better than the great sketches mentioned above. Plus Gordon only appeared in six (waiter, fish owner were two small parts) sketches. Were all the celebrities busy? Al Gore pulled in huge ratings, this show probably scared away everybody who tuned in this week. The host isn't at total fault. The writers were lost this week. Some stuff had almost everything (Star Dates, Charlie Rose, Access Hollywood) but they couldn't get anything. I'd hate to be a performer when a sketch was getting no reaction.

Actually watched Avril perform. She's coming here in April. No problems with her really. I enjoy the songs. I'm not a fan but she's not terrible. Just another Canadian who found success.

TONIGHT'S THREE MALE STARS
are brought to you by Cookie Dough Sport

01 - Jeff Richards (In a night of some crappy sketches he stood out. Did well with Busey and Rose)

02 - Chris Parnell (rare mono appearence, narrator in the Joe commericals, Joe Not a Rapist and his Terrye Funck)

03 - Chris Kattan (Rael and Hitler, slow night for all)

TONIGHT'S THREE FEMALE STARS
are brought to you by The Celine Dion Show

01 - Tina Fey (WU and Joe)

02 - Rachel Dratch (Judith Weinstock, Baby Eve)

03 - Amy Poehler (Briggitee Boiselier, Busty Canon)

FUNNIEST THREE SEGMENTS: WU, Star Dates, Access Hollywood

Honorable Mentions: Joe Parodies

IMPRESSIVE IMPRESSIONS: Jeff as Gary Busey, Charlie Rose. Amy as Briggitee Boiselier. Darrell as Donald Rumsfeld. Chris K as Rael. Maya as Diana Ross.

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MONOLOUGE RANKINGS:
[01] - (8.9) Al Gore DEC 14
[02] - (8.4) Brittany Murphy NOV 16
[03] - (8.3) Matt Damon OCT 05
[04] - (7.5) Nia Vardalos NOV 09
[05] - (7.4) Robert DeNiro DEC 07
[06] - (7.0) Eric McCormack NOV 02
[07] - (6.4) John McCain OCT 19 
[08] - (5.4) Sarah Michelle Gallar OCT 12
[09] - (5.0) Jeff Gordon JAN 11

TOP TEN COMMERICALS:
[01] - (8.4) NRA Happy Hunting [Damon]
[02] - (8.3) NRA Reminds You [Damon]
[03] - (8.0) NutriQuick [Damon] 
[04] - (8.0) Welcome Back, Potter [Murphy]
[05] - (7.9) Big N'Tasty [DeNiro]
[06] - (7.5) Drop the LBs with Missy E [Vardalos]  
[07] - (7.4) John Handcock Insurance [McCormack]
[08] - (7.4) Pier 1 [Vardalos]   
[09] - (7.3) Glenda Goodwin Attorney [Vardalos]
[10] - (7.2) CORONA #3 [Gellar]

WEEKEND UPDATE RANKINGS:
[01] - (8.9) John McCain OCT 19
[02] - (8.8) Matt Damon OCT 05
[03] - (8.7) Nia Vardalos NOV 09
[04] - (8.2) Al Gore DEC 14
[05] - (7.9) Eric McCormack NOV 02
[06] - (7.6) Sarah Michelle Gellar OCT 12
[07] - (7.4) Jeff Gordon JAN 11
[08] - (7.3) Brittany Murphy NOV 16
[09] - (7.1) Robert DeNiro DEC 07

EPISODE RANKINGS [average]
[01] - (78.8) Al Gore DEC 14
[02] - (78.5) Nia Vardalos NOV 09
[03] - (77.6) John McCain OCT 19
[04] - (76.3) Matt Damon OCT 05
[05] - (74.8) Robert DeNiro DEC 07
[06] - (65.3) Brittany Murphy NOV 16
[07] - (63.8) Eric McCormack NOV 02
[08] - (63.4) Sarah Michelle Gellar OCT 12
[09] - (56.4) Jeff Gordon JAN 11

Insert Mark Polishuk Here: Mr.Daley the man who escaped from his room. Mark has trouble keeping his pants on with two men in the same room. Whenever Will Forte stops by to say "hi" he freaks out.

---------------And so now its time to say goodbye.--------------------------

Colin Quinn: Alright. Friday, let's check out today's sports. The Jets and Giants are in first place. The last time that happened, alright, I had long hair, I was out of work, smoking a joint, listening to the Allman Brothers and talking about the Vietnam War. That's right... the last time that happened was 1995.

I'm Colin Quinn, thank you, good night.

NEXT WEEK: Ray Liotta Like I mentioned before he should be a good host. And then the season will be half done, so on the 11th review of the season I'll have my Third Annual SNL Mid-Season Awards.

THANKS TO: saturdaynightlive.tv, SNLRC, The SNL Message Board, SNL Transcripts, Saturday-Night-Live.com, SNL You! and for you for either skimming or reading this.

If it's Sunday, you're reading SNL reviews. Go Sens! (don't leave Ottawa though)