Sarah Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill
October 12, 2002

By Nick Mayhew

I believe it was the great philosopher, Mick Jagger, who said, "Jumpin' Jack Flash, it's a gas."

Sports report-

Now, I'm gonna make all my picks for today's games- keep in mind, I'm typing my pre-review stuff on Saturday, so all my predictions are made before Sunday-

Saints vs. Redskins- it's really a no brainer here- Saints have the victory by 7

Steelers vs. Bengals- c'mon, this is too easy- Steelers by 13

Panthers vs. Cowboys- Cowboys by 3

Bills vs. Texans- Bills by 13

Colts vs. Ravens- Baltimore with the upset by 7

Lions vs. Vikings- Vikings by 3

Pats vs. Packers- GO PATS! New England by 17

Falcons vs. Giants- Fassel better win this one if he wants to stay even close on top of the division- G'men by 9

Jags vs. Titans- UPSET- Titans by 7

Tampa Bay vs. Browns- TB by 21

Raiders vs. Rams- if we were in 2001, I'd pick the Rams, but since they blow more than a Craig Kilborne monologue, Raiders by 14

Chargers vs. Chiefs- this one's pretty hard but I'll go with KC by 9

Denver vs. Miami- Denver by 14

Monday Night- 49ers vs. Seahawks- should be a good game, 49ers by 3

So anyways, Braves lost. This loss only left Barron spending nights by himself in his dorm masturbating to old pictures of Maury Provich. GO CARDS!!

Mailbag- queue Paul Shaffer and the "Will it Float?" girls

And as a side note, although it may seem stupid to others, "Will it Float?" has to be my fave segment on Dave, who is godlike by the way. The Dr. Phil Words of Wisdom are good too, Friday night's was, "I had a vasectomy, and I've also had it reversed."

"Tammy Rice" trice@hvc.rr.com writes,

Just wanted to drop you a note and say that I LOVE your site. I look forward to reading it each and every week. I must say though, all your commentary before this weeks (Matt Damon) review was a bit long. I'm not trying to knock you, but I could have done without out some of it. Besides that, keep up the good work!

Tammy
Woodstock, New York

Thanks Tammy. Neil puts an incredible amount of time into the site which makes it look great, and I'm there as his sidekick or whatever. That commentary before has been in my reviews for a long time now, and most of it I like to keep, something to jazz it up so it's not all SNL. Thanks for writing!

A short email from sgoldenberg@onebox.com says,

You really are very, very funny!!!! What do you do for a living?

Thanks goldenberg. Most people never mention that, but the compliment is appreciated. I'm not a profession comedian, yet anyways. I'm just a student at good ol' at one of Upstate NY's finest schools (chuckles). I try and put some life into my reviews to make it somewhat interesting. Thanks again for writing.

KCBSNL1988@aol.com writes,

Hi Nick,

I'm Kayla. You don't know me really, but I was reading your review of the Matt Damon/Bruce Springsteen & E. Street Band episode. I noticed you started talking about DML being canceled.

I'm glad somebody else is as pissed off over it ending as I am. It's almost been like no one cares. It was a good show, dammit! I wish it would've went on longer.

I just wanted to let you know that.

~Kayla

Dennis Miller is right up there with Johnny Carson. I mean, the guy had a Emmy award winning show and HBO decides to cancel it so they can put some other shitty show on instead most likely because DML wasn't reaching HBO's target audience of the 2-10 year old demographic, and they pulled another Ohlmeyer and said Dennis wasn't funny and didn't have his stuff. What a joke. Now, someone's gonna reply and tell me that Dennis quit and was not fired; well, that's because he knew HBO was gonna kick him in the ass, so he quit instead. I hope he's not away from TV for too long, because I can't go on forever watching reruns.

Write to the mailbag- pinballwizard46@yahoo.com

Let's see what's new in the world this week. President Bush is developing plans for a postwar Iraq that could keep U.S. troops in the Middle Eastern country long after President Saddam Hussein's departure. Yea, meanwhile, Dick Cheney is developing a plan to keep President Bush in Iraq after the war.

A recent US study shows that more and more Americans are going north of the border for their laser vision correction surgery. They claim that they can undergo the same procedure for a fraction of the cost. The study also finds that after the surgery 96 percent of the recipients began to see their optometrist twice as often.

Oscar-winning actor Nicolas Cage has sold his personal comic book collection, including a copy of Superman's 1938 pulp debut, at auction for more than $1.6 million, organizers of the sale said on Friday. Yea, the auction was attended by people who haven't had a job in 15 years.

Inmates serving life sentences in a Canadian prison want to make life sweeter for crime victims by starting a chocolate factory and donating the proceeds to charity. Yea, apparently, it's all part of the hospitals plans to make it even more gayer in prison.

An Alabama law banning the sale of sex toys was struck down by a federal judge as a violation of the right to privacy. The law included, of all things, putting a lock on the number of sex toys someone is allowed to purchase at one time. Yea, the governor felt that was necessary because Michael Jackson was stoking up too often.
And last week, the Dow Jones industrial average reached an all time low since 1997. You know, lately, the stock market's been performing like a blind dominatrix; you never know when she's going to hit bottom.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but the stock market is Las Vegas without the slots, the hookers or the dependable odds.

The market's so volatile these days, so dependent on so many minute indicators. A $50 billion manufacturer of 16 different microprocessing components, each indispensable to the computer industry, can see its stock price plummet by half or more, solely on the rumor that Benny Kelso on the loading dock says it hurts when he pees.

Now, two phrases you'll often hear are "bull market" and "bear market." In case you're wondering about the difference, a bear market is where I lose money because my stocks are plummeting along with everybody else's, while a bull market is where I lose money because my stocks are plummeting all by themselves.

Analysts are always telling us that the best way to invest in stocks is for the long term. The only problem with that is, in an attention-deficit-disordered America, the words "long term" indicate a time unit somewhere between the career of a boy band and the bitch-slap of a hummingbird.

And now, with the Internet, an unholy alliance between the home computer and the stock market has spawned the day-trader the kind of proto-loser who is spotwelded into his Incredible Hulk underoos down in the basement, his trembling, silver-Lotto-scratch-card dust-encrusted fingernails frantically pounding "buy" and "sell" orders into his keyboard so loudly that he can't even hear his mother upstairs crying out for the good old days when all he did online was compulsively masturbate.

The widely-held gospel of Wall Street is "buy low and sell high." Thanks. Thanks for the tip, Motley Fuck. That's like telling a bald guy "Getting laid's easy...Just go to a bar and pick up Heidi Klum."

When the market really began to tank last month, I couldn't get my broker on the phone. Finally, his secretary admitted he had quit to take a job with Exxon, but she couldn't quite remember which gas station it was.

I've learned some painful lessons about investing. In the future, when ending conversations with an investment advisor, I will do so by saying, "I'm done speaking with you now," instead of saying, "Bye-bye," which my former money manager always mistook for an enthusiastic request to purchase shares in whatever lean-to piece of shit-dot-com sham he was getting blowjobs and free plane tickets to push that week.

Hey, there's no substitute for doing your homework before investing in a company good, solid, sound fiscal research. When I'm thinking of investing in a retail chain, for example, what I do is go to one of their stores, and lock myself in a bathroom stall. Then I curl up in a fetal ball on the floor and emit a low, painful- sounding groan, and I time how long it takes one of the assistant managers to come in and see if I'm okay. Wal-Mart? 3 minutes. Target? Half hour. K-Mart? Kibbel the night janitor woke me up at three in the morning and asked me if I had any rolling papers.

I know investing is a risky proposition, and I don't mind losing my shirt, but can I have my pants back? Recently, let's say, over the past month, I've put sixty-thousand dollars into Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. Thank God I didn't buy the stock.

And last year I bought Pets-dot-com at thirty. Two weeks later, it was dropping faster than Cameren Manheim on a greasy flagpole. You'd think I would have learned my lesson, but instead I moved my remaining capital into something called e-Toys. And last time I looked, that stock had broken through zero and was tunneling into the molten magma at the core of our planet.

But the gloomy end of the unsurpassed bull market of the 90's did turn up some unexpected bright spots. For one thing, remember that day-trading dilettante prick neighbor of yours the guy who threw a few lucky darts at the NASDAQ wheel and showed up at every party for the next year in his Lincoln Navigator, downed a few too many glasses of Turning Leaf Chardonnay and got all self-important, going on and on like he was Warren Buffet with a soul patch talking about P/E ratios and small-cap funds' place in the Keens-ian oeuvre and you figured, "Well, he must know what he's talking about," and so you put ten grand in a stock he recommended that collapsed like the Three Stooges' tent the following week? You remember that guy? Well, right about now, he's replacing all the deodorant cakes in the men's room urinals at Der Weinershnitzel before he finishes off his shift standing out front and handing out half-off chili fry coupons, dressed like a giant asswipe bratwurst. I'd say karma is up about a hundred points.

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

I wanna know what you think America. Give me a ring at pinballwizard46@yahoo.com

 

Tonight's guest has really made herself in the biz, a great actress, and her third time hosting the show, please welcome Sarah Michelle Gellar.

 

[COLD OPENING] A message from George and Dick

Yea, well this was ok. I'm glad that Darrell isn't playing someone else from the administration. Parnell actually has a decent impression of him, still needs a lot of work, and will be nothing like Will's, but it wasn't bad. Some crazy stuff Bush says which is cool, and Darrell as the sidekick was good too. Some say that his impression isn't good; some of which attributes to the fact that Will played him for 3 years. But, remember when we had to adjust to Hammond doing Clinton after Hartman; I thought that it wasn't too good at first, but look how it turned out- that ended up as being one of the greatest impressions ever on the show. Go Darrell and Parny!

RATING: 7.5/10

[MONOLOGUE] Sarah Michelle Gellar

Another 2-peat in a row of an original MONOlogue. So, SMG had us going at first. And of the three times she's hosted, none have involved vampires, or something gothic of nature. This was written nicely, could've been funnier, and did have many dry points, but overall was funny. The Caroline Rhea Show joke was hilarious, and I have to say, Kattan did that line well. I always like a monologue to end in a bang- even if the whole thing isn't funny, as long it goes out somewhat big. This went flat at the end. I guess it wasn't so bad

RATING: 7/10

[COMMERCIAL] Swifter Sweepers

Sweetness, Amy is hot and in a skit. Does it get any better? Yea, but only if like Amy and Tina like were together in a skit (that's why I was so happy at the Dunst show last year when they did the Wake Up Wakefield sleepover sketch- Amy and Tina in sleeping in sleeping bags- how wonderful). But, this was very amusing and funny at the same time which was cool.

RATING: 7.5/10

[SKETCH] Fred's Safety Class

I see recurring all over this. Fred actually seems like a cool guy, although I heard he's a major turd outside the show. I don't know if I would have this as the first sketch, but nonetheless wasn't too bad. It kinda went stale towards the end, but what the hell.

RATING: 5/10

[SKETCH] Music Dentist

Well, now it's back. Kattan as a horny little shit for some reason just doesn't sit well with me. See, I've concluded that most of his characters are related to sex, Peepers humps anything that comes in its path, and well, now he wants to nail SMG. The same ending kinda made it uncool. I actually didn't mind him staying on another season, but he just really haven't been funny this year. And something I forgot to mention last week was, where was Mango? Matt Damon hosting = a Mango boner. Skit was not too funny.

RATING: 4.5/10

[COMMERCIAL] Racial Profiling Airline

Now, what I said before about SNL not being as edgy, well, like if SNL was on a cliff falling, this commercial pulled them up the cliff by a hand. It was a decent commercial, hands down the best so far of the young season. Tracy just made this skit with his comment about how Arabs don't want to be profiled cause they're the ones being targeted. Skit was rocked the house and Amy looks good as a stewardess.

RATING: 9.5/10

[COMMERCIAL] Corona: Part 1

You have to see the real commercial to understand this one. Jimmy did a nice job as the guy who chucks his cell phone into the ocean. Skit was well deserving of a good rating.

RATING: 7/10

[SKETCH] Saddam's Palace

SNL had some guts to show this one. Looks like the man of all mans Jim Downey (who I met) wrote this sketch. Darrell, as usual, has a better impression then Will did. SNL taking a political stance again- nice.

RATING: 6.5/10

[COMMERCIAL] Corona: Part 2

This was even better than the first.

RATING: 8/10

[MUSIC] Faith Hill

Umm, I don't like country. But kudos to Lorne for not booking a rap MG for all of October! She is hot, BTW.

RATING: 6/10

[WEEKEND UPDATE] With Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey

Well, kudos for WU blowing another week, that's 2 in a row. Boo. Good jokes were the Christina Aguilera one and the Michael Jackson one, maybe the Tammy Faye Bakker one too. Seth Meyers again kicked ass on Update- might've been the best part of the show. The Hilton Sister spinoff was lame. Not the best stuff.

RATING: 7.5/10

[SKETCH] MTV Making the Video

Wow, this rocked in so many ways. Maybe it was because SMG was hot in it and Tracy was hilarious. No one seemed to laugh to hard at this one, but honestly, the past 2 weeks the crowd has been really shitty. I mean, they don't laugh at anything. It's a conspiracy with that new stupid email for tickets thing. Boo. I would've laughed if I had been there, which by the way, I should've been.

RATING: 7.5/10

[SKETCH] Arli$$

See, Arli$$ is a supercool show and its like majorly awesome, especially before DML. SMG seems to not like it, but oh well. Me likes.

RATING: 9/10

[SKETCH] SMG, Faith, Tracy and Lorne share an intimate moment

Wow. This is why Tracy is funny and still on the show. This beat the odds and was the best part of the show so far. Just the way he presented the bikini to her was hilarious. And, if Tracy can tell Lorne to get him a soda, then he definitely is awesome. He is one horny shit though, but I would be too.

RATING: 9.5/10

[MUSIC] Faith Hill

You know, she's hot.

[SKETCH] The Guy sweet talks the lady

Yea, so this reeked of similarity from the Subway one last season. But, Tracy was funnier in this one, and, well, Maya is not funny.

RATING: 5/10

[COMMERCIAL] Corona: Part 3

Should've stopped at #2, not bad though.

RATING: 7/10

[SKETCH] Iraq

I thought McCain was hosting next week?

RATING: 7/10

[SKETCH] Sexual Harassment Seminar

So this skit is last. Hmm. Another great choice by putting this last. Yanno, I don't think I got the picture that Parny is trying to be Will all over again. This skit actually was real good.

RATING: 9/10

 

SKETCH OF THE NIGHT: Sexual Harassment Seminar

PLAYER OF THE NIGHT: Tracy Morgan

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: Tracy to Lorne, "I don't know why I keep you around here. Now got me a Pepsi, BIOTCH!"

 

OVERALL EPISODE RATING: 68/100

This show was much better than last weeks, but isn't what it was like last season. It wasn't a kick ass show but it didn't suck balls. She did a decent job hosting. Next week is Senator John McCain and the White Stripes, and Blue Oyster Cult on Friday!!!!!!!

Guess what folks? That's the news and I am outta here