Michelle Gellar / Faith Hill
October 12, 2002
I believe it was the great philosopher,
Mick Jagger, who said, "Jumpin' Jack Flash, it's a gas."
Now, I'm gonna make all my picks
for today's games- keep in mind, I'm typing my pre-review stuff
on Saturday, so all my predictions are made before Sunday-
Saints vs. Redskins- it's really
a no brainer here- Saints have the victory by 7
Steelers vs. Bengals- c'mon,
this is too easy- Steelers by 13
Panthers vs. Cowboys- Cowboys
Bills vs. Texans- Bills by 13
Colts vs. Ravens- Baltimore with
the upset by 7
Lions vs. Vikings- Vikings by
Pats vs. Packers- GO PATS! New
England by 17
Falcons vs. Giants- Fassel better
win this one if he wants to stay even close on top of the division-
G'men by 9
Jags vs. Titans- UPSET- Titans
Tampa Bay vs. Browns- TB by 21
Raiders vs. Rams- if we were
in 2001, I'd pick the Rams, but since they blow more than a Craig
Kilborne monologue, Raiders by 14
Chargers vs. Chiefs- this one's
pretty hard but I'll go with KC by 9
Denver vs. Miami- Denver by 14
Monday Night- 49ers vs. Seahawks-
should be a good game, 49ers by 3
So anyways, Braves lost. This
loss only left Barron spending nights by himself in his dorm
masturbating to old pictures of Maury Provich. GO CARDS!!
Mailbag- queue Paul Shaffer and
the "Will it Float?" girls
And as a side note, although
it may seem stupid to others, "Will it Float?" has
to be my fave segment on Dave, who is godlike by the way. The
Dr. Phil Words of Wisdom are good too, Friday night's was, "I
had a vasectomy, and I've also had it reversed."
"Tammy Rice" firstname.lastname@example.org
Just wanted to drop you a note
and say that I LOVE your site. I look forward to reading it each
and every week. I must say though, all your commentary before
this weeks (Matt Damon) review was a bit long. I'm not trying
to knock you, but I could have done without out some of it. Besides
that, keep up the good work!
Woodstock, New York
Thanks Tammy. Neil puts an incredible
amount of time into the site which makes it look great, and I'm
there as his sidekick or whatever. That commentary before has
been in my reviews for a long time now, and most of it I like
to keep, something to jazz it up so it's not all SNL. Thanks
A short email from email@example.com
You really are very, very funny!!!!
What do you do for a living?
Thanks goldenberg. Most people
never mention that, but the compliment is appreciated. I'm not
a profession comedian, yet anyways. I'm just a student at good
ol' at one of Upstate NY's finest schools (chuckles). I try and
put some life into my reviews to make it somewhat interesting.
Thanks again for writing.
I'm Kayla. You don't know me
really, but I was reading your review of the Matt Damon/Bruce
Springsteen & E. Street Band episode. I noticed you started
talking about DML being canceled.
I'm glad somebody else is as
pissed off over it ending as I am. It's almost been like no one
cares. It was a good show, dammit! I wish it would've went on
I just wanted to let you know
Dennis Miller is right up there
with Johnny Carson. I mean, the guy had a Emmy award winning
show and HBO decides to cancel it so they can put some other
shitty show on instead most likely because DML wasn't reaching
HBO's target audience of the 2-10 year old demographic, and they
pulled another Ohlmeyer and said Dennis wasn't funny and didn't
have his stuff. What a joke. Now, someone's gonna reply and tell
me that Dennis quit and was not fired; well, that's because he
knew HBO was gonna kick him in the ass, so he quit instead. I
hope he's not away from TV for too long, because I can't go on
forever watching reruns.
Write to the mailbag- firstname.lastname@example.org
Let's see what's new in the world
this week. President Bush is developing plans for a postwar Iraq
that could keep U.S. troops in the Middle Eastern country long
after President Saddam Hussein's departure. Yea, meanwhile, Dick
Cheney is developing a plan to keep President Bush in Iraq after
A recent US study shows that
more and more Americans are going north of the border for their
laser vision correction surgery. They claim that they can undergo
the same procedure for a fraction of the cost. The study also
finds that after the surgery 96 percent of the recipients began
to see their optometrist twice as often.
Oscar-winning actor Nicolas Cage
has sold his personal comic book collection, including a copy
of Superman's 1938 pulp debut, at auction for more than $1.6
million, organizers of the sale said on Friday. Yea, the auction
was attended by people who haven't had a job in 15 years.
Inmates serving life sentences
in a Canadian prison want to make life sweeter for crime victims
by starting a chocolate factory and donating the proceeds to
charity. Yea, apparently, it's all part of the hospitals plans
to make it even more gayer in prison.
An Alabama law banning the sale
of sex toys was struck down by a federal judge as a violation
of the right to privacy. The law included, of all things, putting
a lock on the number of sex toys someone is allowed to purchase
at one time. Yea, the governor felt that was necessary because
Michael Jackson was stoking up too often.
And last week, the Dow Jones industrial average reached an all
time low since 1997. You know, lately, the stock market's been
performing like a blind dominatrix; you never know when she's
going to hit bottom.
Now, I don't want to get off
on a rant here, but the stock market is Las Vegas without the
slots, the hookers or the dependable odds.
The market's so volatile these
days, so dependent on so many minute indicators. A $50 billion
manufacturer of 16 different microprocessing components, each
indispensable to the computer industry, can see its stock price
plummet by half or more, solely on the rumor that Benny Kelso
on the loading dock says it hurts when he pees.
Now, two phrases you'll often
hear are "bull market" and "bear market."
In case you're wondering about the difference, a bear market
is where I lose money because my stocks are plummeting along
with everybody else's, while a bull market is where I lose money
because my stocks are plummeting all by themselves.
Analysts are always telling us
that the best way to invest in stocks is for the long term. The
only problem with that is, in an attention-deficit-disordered
America, the words "long term" indicate a time unit
somewhere between the career of a boy band and the bitch-slap
of a hummingbird.
And now, with the Internet, an
unholy alliance between the home computer and the stock market
has spawned the day-trader the kind of proto-loser who is spotwelded
into his Incredible Hulk underoos down in the basement, his trembling,
silver-Lotto-scratch-card dust-encrusted fingernails frantically
pounding "buy" and "sell" orders into his
keyboard so loudly that he can't even hear his mother upstairs
crying out for the good old days when all he did online was compulsively
The widely-held gospel of Wall
Street is "buy low and sell high." Thanks. Thanks for
the tip, Motley Fuck. That's like telling a bald guy "Getting
laid's easy...Just go to a bar and pick up Heidi Klum."
When the market really began
to tank last month, I couldn't get my broker on the phone. Finally,
his secretary admitted he had quit to take a job with Exxon,
but she couldn't quite remember which gas station it was.
I've learned some painful lessons
about investing. In the future, when ending conversations with
an investment advisor, I will do so by saying, "I'm done
speaking with you now," instead of saying, "Bye-bye,"
which my former money manager always mistook for an enthusiastic
request to purchase shares in whatever lean-to piece of shit-dot-com
sham he was getting blowjobs and free plane tickets to push that
Hey, there's no substitute for
doing your homework before investing in a company good, solid,
sound fiscal research. When I'm thinking of investing in a retail
chain, for example, what I do is go to one of their stores, and
lock myself in a bathroom stall. Then I curl up in a fetal ball
on the floor and emit a low, painful- sounding groan, and I time
how long it takes one of the assistant managers to come in and
see if I'm okay. Wal-Mart? 3 minutes. Target? Half hour. K-Mart?
Kibbel the night janitor woke me up at three in the morning and
asked me if I had any rolling papers.
I know investing is a risky proposition,
and I don't mind losing my shirt, but can I have my pants back?
Recently, let's say, over the past month, I've put sixty-thousand
dollars into Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. Thank God I didn't buy the
And last year I bought Pets-dot-com
at thirty. Two weeks later, it was dropping faster than Cameren
Manheim on a greasy flagpole. You'd think I would have learned
my lesson, but instead I moved my remaining capital into something
called e-Toys. And last time I looked, that stock had broken
through zero and was tunneling into the molten magma at the core
of our planet.
But the gloomy end of the unsurpassed
bull market of the 90's did turn up some unexpected bright spots.
For one thing, remember that day-trading dilettante prick neighbor
of yours the guy who threw a few lucky darts at the NASDAQ wheel
and showed up at every party for the next year in his Lincoln
Navigator, downed a few too many glasses of Turning Leaf Chardonnay
and got all self-important, going on and on like he was Warren
Buffet with a soul patch talking about P/E ratios and small-cap
funds' place in the Keens-ian oeuvre and you figured, "Well,
he must know what he's talking about," and so you put ten
grand in a stock he recommended that collapsed like the Three
Stooges' tent the following week? You remember that guy? Well,
right about now, he's replacing all the deodorant cakes in the
men's room urinals at Der Weinershnitzel before he finishes off
his shift standing out front and handing out half-off chili fry
coupons, dressed like a giant asswipe bratwurst. I'd say karma
is up about a hundred points.
Of course, that's just my opinion.
I could be wrong.
I wanna know what you think America.
Give me a ring at email@example.com
Tonight's guest has really made
herself in the biz, a great actress, and her third time hosting
the show, please welcome Sarah Michelle Gellar.
[COLD OPENING] A message from
George and Dick
Yea, well this was ok. I'm glad
that Darrell isn't playing someone else from the administration.
Parnell actually has a decent impression of him, still needs
a lot of work, and will be nothing like Will's, but it wasn't
bad. Some crazy stuff Bush says which is cool, and Darrell as
the sidekick was good too. Some say that his impression isn't
good; some of which attributes to the fact that Will played him
for 3 years. But, remember when we had to adjust to Hammond doing
Clinton after Hartman; I thought that it wasn't too good at first,
but look how it turned out- that ended up as being one of the
greatest impressions ever on the show. Go Darrell and Parny!
[MONOLOGUE] Sarah Michelle Gellar
Another 2-peat in a row of an
original MONOlogue. So, SMG had us going at first. And of the
three times she's hosted, none have involved vampires, or something
gothic of nature. This was written nicely, could've been funnier,
and did have many dry points, but overall was funny. The Caroline
Rhea Show joke was hilarious, and I have to say, Kattan did that
line well. I always like a monologue to end in a bang- even if
the whole thing isn't funny, as long it goes out somewhat big.
This went flat at the end. I guess it wasn't so bad
[COMMERCIAL] Swifter Sweepers
Sweetness, Amy is hot and in
a skit. Does it get any better? Yea, but only if like Amy and
Tina like were together in a skit (that's why I was so happy
at the Dunst show last year when they did the Wake Up Wakefield
sleepover sketch- Amy and Tina in sleeping in sleeping bags-
how wonderful). But, this was very amusing and funny at the same
time which was cool.
[SKETCH] Fred's Safety Class
I see recurring all over this.
Fred actually seems like a cool guy, although I heard he's a
major turd outside the show. I don't know if I would have this
as the first sketch, but nonetheless wasn't too bad. It kinda
went stale towards the end, but what the hell.
[SKETCH] Music Dentist
Well, now it's back. Kattan as
a horny little shit for some reason just doesn't sit well with
me. See, I've concluded that most of his characters are related
to sex, Peepers humps anything that comes in its path, and well,
now he wants to nail SMG. The same ending kinda made it uncool.
I actually didn't mind him staying on another season, but he
just really haven't been funny this year. And something I forgot
to mention last week was, where was Mango? Matt Damon hosting
= a Mango boner. Skit was not too funny.
[COMMERCIAL] Racial Profiling
Now, what I said before about
SNL not being as edgy, well, like if SNL was on a cliff falling,
this commercial pulled them up the cliff by a hand. It was a
decent commercial, hands down the best so far of the young season.
Tracy just made this skit with his comment about how Arabs don't
want to be profiled cause they're the ones being targeted. Skit
was rocked the house and Amy looks good as a stewardess.
[COMMERCIAL] Corona: Part 1
You have to see the real commercial
to understand this one. Jimmy did a nice job as the guy who chucks
his cell phone into the ocean. Skit was well deserving of a good
[SKETCH] Saddam's Palace
SNL had some guts to show this
one. Looks like the man of all mans Jim Downey (who I met) wrote
this sketch. Darrell, as usual, has a better impression then
Will did. SNL taking a political stance again- nice.
[COMMERCIAL] Corona: Part 2
This was even better than the
[MUSIC] Faith Hill
Umm, I don't like country. But
kudos to Lorne for not booking a rap MG for all of October! She
is hot, BTW.
[WEEKEND UPDATE] With Jimmy Fallon
and Tina Fey
Well, kudos for WU blowing another
week, that's 2 in a row. Boo. Good jokes were the Christina Aguilera
one and the Michael Jackson one, maybe the Tammy Faye Bakker
one too. Seth Meyers again kicked ass on Update- might've been
the best part of the show. The Hilton Sister spinoff was lame.
Not the best stuff.
[SKETCH] MTV Making the Video
Wow, this rocked in so many ways.
Maybe it was because SMG was hot in it and Tracy was hilarious.
No one seemed to laugh to hard at this one, but honestly, the
past 2 weeks the crowd has been really shitty. I mean, they don't
laugh at anything. It's a conspiracy with that new stupid email
for tickets thing. Boo. I would've laughed if I had been there,
which by the way, I should've been.
See, Arli$$ is a supercool show
and its like majorly awesome, especially before DML. SMG seems
to not like it, but oh well. Me likes.
[SKETCH] SMG, Faith, Tracy and
Lorne share an intimate moment
Wow. This is why Tracy is funny
and still on the show. This beat the odds and was the best part
of the show so far. Just the way he presented the bikini to her
was hilarious. And, if Tracy can tell Lorne to get him a soda,
then he definitely is awesome. He is one horny shit though, but
I would be too.
[MUSIC] Faith Hill
You know, she's hot.
[SKETCH] The Guy sweet talks
Yea, so this reeked of similarity
from the Subway one last season. But, Tracy was funnier in this
one, and, well, Maya is not funny.
[COMMERCIAL] Corona: Part 3
Should've stopped at #2, not
I thought McCain was hosting
[SKETCH] Sexual Harassment Seminar
So this skit is last. Hmm. Another
great choice by putting this last. Yanno, I don't think I got
the picture that Parny is trying to be Will all over again. This
skit actually was real good.
SKETCH OF THE NIGHT: Sexual Harassment
PLAYER OF THE NIGHT: Tracy Morgan
QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: Tracy to
Lorne, "I don't know why I keep you around here. Now got
me a Pepsi, BIOTCH!"
OVERALL EPISODE RATING: 68/100
This show was much better than
last weeks, but isn't what it was like last season. It wasn't
a kick ass show but it didn't suck balls. She did a decent job
hosting. Next week is Senator John McCain and the White Stripes,
and Blue Oyster Cult on Friday!!!!!!!
Guess what folks? That's the
news and I am outta here