Robert DeNiro / Norah Jones
December 7, 2002

By The Doc


This particular time of the year is supposed to be about the holidays and giving and all that jazz, but considering what the days December 7th and 8th means to both Rock N' Roll Die-hards and WWII Vets, it's a little bittersweet. I'm of course talking about the Anniversaries of Both Pearl Harbor, and the death of John Lennon. Both days mean a lot to me for one reason for each, Pearl Harbor means a lot because my Grandfather, rest his soul, was a fighter in the war and not a day goes by when I'm not proud of that (I hope I'm using the right double negative).

John Lennon's Death means a lot because (And I don't mean to be melowdramatic) As both a fan, and a resident New Yorker, I can take pride in going to the yearly memorial at "Strawberry Fields" in Central Park, and join others in celebrating an otherwise somber moment. Unfortunately, from what I have heard, the central park people are not going to make it an all nighter this year, and instead are going to cut it down to 12 Midnight, but that shouldn't change anything. As long as we're all there, it's OK.

OK, Changing gears dramaticaly, 3 weeks after I launched my "Free Your Mind" campaign, I am getting letters up the yin-yang. And through the magic of E-mail, I can share some of them with you. So now, here is the first ever installment of...


SINGERS: "Free Your Miiiiiiiiiind, And The Rest will follow!"

Due to the mass volume of mail that I'm getting, I can only "Air" up to 5 letters per review. But I guarantee that your letter
WILL be read...Eventually.

Our First letter ever comes from a Mr. Steve Becker:

Steve Becker <<>> wrote: (In a Rather Fragmented form)

SB: "Boy, you DO love your TV, doncha?"

DOC: Yep!

SB: "Just an SNL fan in (EDITED FOR PRIVACY) who's killing time as I work from your review..agree with some, but not all. First, I used to be a radio producer and had to slap together a 3 hour talk show every day. I have the UTMOST respect for the folks who slap SNL together every week."

DOC: Many of us Do.

SB: "Norah Jones is new to the music scene...she's real

DOC: I'm sure she is, I just wish my radio stations carried her.

SB: "Darrell Hammond is a genius, is he not?"

DOC: He's no Will Ferrell, but it'll have to do.

SB: "Harry Potter...brilliant."

DOC: Meh, I'm more of a "Lord Of The Rings" Guy

SB: "Your Leather Man/Homer line made me laugh out loud on the toilet."

DOC: Thanks, but believe me, Mark Polshuk makes it look a lot easier.

SB: "Tracy Morgan said Titties...adlib or approved?"

DOC: Considering that it's Tracy and the late Time Slot, Probably Approved.

SB: "How's the SNL book? What are some good nuggets?"

DOC: Very Good, It's just your basic "Fred Silverman hated Lorne, Ebersol Hated Andy Kaufman, Nora Dunn Hated Andrew 'Dice' Clay" kind of entertainment.

SB: "Back to work...thanks for the diversion,"
Steve - - -

DOC: I aim to please.
"The Doc"---

Next Letter comes from a Ms. Emily Rogers, She writes in and says...

"Hi. I read your reviews on, and I am writing an
article on SNL and I was wondering what is your fav. cast. Do you think SNL
has gotten suckier? Just kind of your views on it. I would really appreciate
a reply. Thanks."

Emily Rogers

Well Em, The only reason as to why this current season sucks, is because their "Star Player" Will Ferrell is out of the picture. It's kind of the same reason why the 1980 cast sucked, the '85 cast sucked and the '94 cast sucked, they all lacked their one more key star(s). But if History tells me anything, They will get over it by next year. As for my fav. cast, it's definately the '86-'94 cast. Mainly because of the great Phil Hartman. Thanks for writing.


Next letter comes from <> who asks...

"What is the capital of guatamala?"

OK, I meant that as some sort of sarcastic question, but I'll try to indulge anyway. I'm no geographer, but I think it's one of those "Self-named" capitals like Oklahoma City, OK. Or Jersey City, NJ or even Washington D.C., Wash... (I told you, I'm no geographer!)


Next letter comes from Mr. Nat Han, who writes:

Ugh, turn off the MTV & stop listening to "Radio Disney". Norah Jones is an incredibly popular jazz musician. already has 2 albums out. she is also Ravi Shankar's daughter.
Nat Han---

Thank you for that, people have already informed me about Ms. Jones' music. Oh BTW, even I know that both MTV and "Radio Disney" are one of the many "tools of the devil." and I'll be damned if I ever watch/listen to them, let alone tolorate the both.

If anyone out there would like a chance to free their mind, blow some steam, even find out where you go after you die, gimmie a buzz at:

Ya' Got that?

Now let's get to the real issue at hand, DeNIRO! Best Actor anywhere, anytime. He can do a good character whether it be a serious one. (I.e. "The Godfather", "Raging Bull" etc.) a Funny one (I.e. "Analyze This/That", "Meet the Parents" etc.) or a Downright stupid one. (I.e. "The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle") Even after the many cameos he did on SNL Before, You'd think that he's got nothing to worry about, right? (CRICKETS CHIRP) ...Right?
Al-Quaida Names Or "I'm looking for a Mr. Snotball, first name 'Ura'" "Ura snotball?" "What, How dare you! When I find out who this is, I'm going to staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!"

Somewhere, Moe the bartender is a very angry son of a bitch. I love a good play on names every now and then, (I.e. Patrick Fitzwilliam/William Fitzpatrick) But these names must have taken them no less than 3 minutes to create...

ERIC BISHOPH: Did somebody say '3 MINUTES'?!

Yes, I did, what's wrong with that? Anyway, this shouldn't have been the opening, it would have been good for around 11:50, but not here. It was still funny though.

Diagnosis: B+
Monolouge or "Gratzie, gratzie. You have brought great joy to this old Italian Stereotype."

C'mon, He's played either an angry Italian Mobster, or an Angry Italian for most of his career, what else could I say? I'm not going to count this one, because it didn't seem like much of a monolouge. I mean sure, it was just DeNiro alone on stage, but I guess it was too short. I think I clocked it at 1:03, either way it was too light.

Diagnosis: N/A
Big N' Tasty or "We need more 'Secret Sauce'...Put this Mayonase in the sun!"

Hmmm, this sketch looks familiar, what do you think Dave?

DAVID SPADE: I liked this sketch the first time I saw it, when it was called "Happy Fun Ball"

I knew it looked familiar! Only this time, it's about a bunch of Fat Jokes! As I mentioned in an earlier review, I have a massive lust for food... Don't worry, it's Not too massive, just a box of fries each day, and I'm still 185 Lbs. Anywho, for the people out there who keeps eating "Micky Ds" on a regular basis and wonder why they can't see their feet all of a sudden...I've got news for you...PUT DOWN THE DAMN BIG MAC AND START RUNNING! Whew, that felt good!

Diagnosis: C+
Thomas Jefferson or "Confederated Slave Holdings, How's that coming along Smithers?"

OK, nothing was mentioned about The Confederacy back in those days, but as long as it's about slaves, it's fair game. I can think of at least 3 things wrong with this one, (1) Where did the people of that era come up with that slang, I.e. "Brown sugga"? (2) Since when did Thomas Jefferson ever have a Beard? And (3)...A Thomas Jefferson Sketch?!? Way to let that Emmy(TM) get to your head, guys and Tina. OK, it wasn't completely bad, Tracy had a good zinger at the end, and those Pre-dated lines were OK for that kind of sketch.

Diagnosis: C-
Peter Pan or "Hey everybody, I'm Peter Pants-less!"

The way he was acting, I was Praying for a "You Talkin' to me?" But at the rate it was going, who cared? You got a tough guy in tights, talking about god knows what. ("Going Downtown") Beating up on sissies in pajamas, and you my friend have got Comedy! This one get's my "Oy Vey Of the day!", but for good reason, anyone who comes out wearing a "Peter Pan" get-up, is a brave SOB.

Diagnosis: A
Santa or "Aren't we forgeting what this holiday is really all about, The Birth of Santa?"

Bobby must be taking a shine to Maya, I mean, to get her pregnant (In a sketch that is) must have taken some convincing to do. And Once again I was expecting DeNiro to go into either a "Taxi Driver" mode or even "Goodfellas" mode. But I guess that he's the kind of guy who doesn't care much for self parody. For some reason, I don't see Bobby playing a nice guy such as santa. Which is more of a reason as to why it was as funny as it was.

Diagnosis: B+
Weapon Inspectors or "Uh, yes. I would like to buy one of your deadliest weapons please?"

It's one of those "Short and Sweet" kind of Sketches where it's just one joke and then it's finished, like "The Cardinals". (4/20/02) A sketch which Ironically shows what really happend in Iraq (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) No, I'm serious, they're pushovers!

Diagnosis: A-
Judge Horrace or "I move that the last sketch be striken from the records, (BANGS SQUEAKY GAVEL) Now Bring in the Next Offender."

C'mon, the real show, Which is really named "Judge Mathis", Wouldn't care if you used his name. Horatio looks earilly like someone I know...Who I'm going to keep nameless at the risk of getting her foot up my ass. Oh and Bobby, you're great and all, but don't go stealing Colin Quinn's character's name. Otherwise, you'll be "Blown" Away. (AUDIENCE BOOS BAD JOKE) this must have been something that Tracy wrote himself when he was 'Shrooming, cause it's his style all the way around.

Diagnosis: C
Norah Jones:

After Week of waiting, I finally get to listen to some of her work. And let me tell you, it's a shame that I don't rate musical acts, cause it was gooooooood.

Diagnosis: N/A

Update or "Far be it from me to gloat in another's downfall, but I have a feeling no children are going to be crying when they put this puppy to sleep."

(Sigh) Another victim of Emmy(TM) lust, Th jokes about Whitney Houston is like beating a dead horse, but at least "Bobby Brown's" Sweating was the saving grace of that bit. The only other part that I found funny were the old Cruise couple and the fact that NBC has taken a picture of my grandparents and used it for an unauthorized adaptation...actually, most old people look like that, so I won't lash out too much. as for the jokes themselves, they were all flat...'cept for that Strom Thurmond/Boner Thing.

Diagnosis: C
Versace Chanukah or "Oy, this guy's tough"

I remember Harvey Keitel in 1993 saying that he has "This big gay following", But surely, playing Sigfried won't do anything against him, will it? (CRICKETS CHIRP) Anyway, this was one of the better Versaces', mainly because they didn't do too much of it. I loved the Osbournes part, and of course, Bobby as "Roy" just made me "Plotz" all over the most.

Diagnosis: B
Car Dealer or "Uh, yes,(GIGGLES) I'm very concerned about your planet (GIGGLES) And I'm considering to buy one of your automobiles." (GIGGLES)

Now here was where I was expecting DeNiro to go all "Say Hello to my Little Friend..." wait, that's Pachino isn't it? Oh well, If I wanted to see deNiro try his hand a car Dealing, I'd go see him in..."Analyze That", now playing in theaters everywhere! But I digress, it was still the DeNiro that we all know and love. It was just that it was the same joke over and over, that's the buzzkill.

Diagnosis: C+
Divorced Dad or "That's how it is though. One day your wife is making you your favorite meal, the next day you're thawing Hot dogs in the Gas station sink."

Oh great, Kattan as a little Kid! At least that was the only bad thing about this one, Some how I can't picture Bobby s a dad, even though he has had many a kid in his life. It was the way that he told the story that made it funny, all cheery and aggressive at the same time. It was good.

Diagnosis: B+
Radioactive Bears or "I'm sick of these constant bear attacks, it's like a freakin country bear jamboroo around here!"

(I swear that's how he said it.)
Anyway, This is one of those rare moments when the last sketch of the night turns out to be the funniest one as well. Big Bear, Big Hunter, Big Bears Raping the Big Hunter, It's almost like the "Christmas Kangaroo" of exactly one year ago, same elements and all. Now if Will Ferrell were here, it would turn out better than good.

Diagnosis: A+
Grand Diagnosis: B

Prescription: No Taxi Driver? No Goodfellas? No Meet the Parents? not even a stupid Horatio Sanz Christmas Song? And the only Cameo they could shell for was Harvey Keitel?! (SIGH) Good show, but a BIIIIIIIIIG Let down.

Next Week: A Combination as effective as Hi-C and Turkey, Dr. Pepper and Trout, Dubya and the English Language. Al Gore and Phish do the Christmas Show.

This Review is dedicated to the Men and Women of America...Who puts gifts in gift bags instead of wrapping it up.

Until Next time, "The Doctor is out!"

"You may Say I'm a Dreamer, But I'm not the only one. I hope some day you'll join us, and the world will live as one."
                                                                                 --- John Lennon 1940-1980