Robert DeNiro / Norah Jones
December 7, 2002

By Greg Haledjian

Hey, welcome back to show 7 this season. I am not sure if I'm unable to provide a rant tonight, check back next week for it and more on the Holiday Review. So you know how I figure this first paragraph. I see it is as the first thing you, the viewer, read and decide whether to read the review or not. Well, can you really think of any review that would actually write what I just did in the last paragraph? This review is unlike any review out there. Oh yeah, I'm not sending this review or any of mine to the SNL Webmaster, I am loyal to this site and Sean and vowed with Tom and Alex not to go to syndication, so America, probably the 2 people that read this, I'm not going anywhere.

I was going to air the conversation analysis, but I guess not. One of my commentators doesn't feel like emailing me, but that's ok though, we'll just make a 30 fucking page review for next week with all the shit that should be on this weeks review. Tom and I have been making decisions, he's actually gaining status on the review, so expect a different setup in 2003 folks. Just a little note here, I am pissed off at a bunch of shit, so if any reviewer comes out with a review this week that's gay and annoying as fuck, expect a very interesting Holiday review next week, man I can't wait. Let's start the segments that are planned for this week.

Mailbag:
Okay, I've been saving emails since the last show in November, and well it's time to premiere the first ever Mailbag, that actually goes past 2 letters, I'm pretty siked, anybody else.

Spazo Tom: Not at all

Greg: Well, your gonna sit and read it anyway, so enjoy.

Note: The replies are not exactly what I said, just editing it down so the viewer can understand and can not read all my bad language, cause I just say shit sometimes and have no f-in reason for it, thanks.

First Email:

From Melissa Salisbury:
Hi Greg,

Thought I send you an email to let you know that I
read your review on saturday-night-live.com

At the end of the show after Brittany said America we
love you she also said "Semper Fi" which means "always
faithful" in Latin. She wasn't mentioning a frat. hehehe

Reply from Me:

Thanks for once again proving I am a moron, but I have bad speakers therefore it was one of the reasons I didn't hear correctly what Brittany said, thanks Melissa for the info.

Second Email:

From Jason Hilbourne:
Thanks for your help Greg!

Adios,
Jason

Reply: Any time Jason.

 

To tell you the truth I don't know why I posted this one out of all the email conversations me and Jason had. We had like 10 at least regarding the most annoying SNL commercial this year with Amy Poehler. I sent Jason some video of it all the way in Portland, hope he got it.

Third Email:
Katie Scott
What's the whole scuffle between you and Schiffman and MacQueen (in 5 sentences or less)?
K. Scott (I've reviewed 2 episodes this season)
Reply: Well it all started back in the Eric McCormack show where I got pissed off at all the reviews and reviewers for there lame topics and shit like that, so I spoke up and November was a very interesting month, you got to admit it if you were keeping up with everything, but of all the reviewers that read my nasty thoughts about them, Joey MacQueen and Chris Schiffman were the only ones who replyed and we worked things out, but have no fear, I plan on starting some more shit up during the rest of the review today. Thanks for the email Katie, oh yea, I like how she promoted her review, by the way check out her review, I heard it's a good one.

Fourth Email:
Emily Rogers

Hi. I read your reviews on Saturday-Night-Live.com, and I am writing an article on SNL and I was wondering what is your fav. cast. Do you think SNL has gotten suckier? Just kind of your views on it. I would really appreciate a reply. Thanks.

Emily Rogers

Reply: Well, I think SNL's casts have been very, very varied over the past lets say 5 years, but my favorite cast has got to be the one from 2000-2001. Classic shows, characters, and comedy from that season. It was hard to believe before that season some big stars left the show, but it regained its comedy right away and turned up great comedy that season. SNL has definitely gotten better, however I think when SNL's bad it sucks, and when its good it shines. This season there have been 2 shows that just plain sucked and you could the cast wasn't into it, but when the show is good and the cast is into it, the shows shines and that's when SNL is at its glory once again. I just hope it stays that way for the rest of the season.

 

Thanks for emailing me to everyone, I'm still waiting for a notice on that SNL article, let's hope somebody writes back someday. Oh yeah, none of my scuffle emails from Chris and Joey are being posted due to the fact that its all been resolved. Please if you read this review, check out Joey and Chris and Katies reviews, there just as good as this one tries to be.

Spazo Tom: What kind of a fucking send off is that??
Greg: What should I have said, fag
Spazo Tom: Just put ur email so then can write you and that's it, y'know your usual that's it tagline.
Greg: Alright, thanks man.

Okay, well if you want to write to me, Alex, or Spazo Tom. All emails can be sent to my email address at: greghaledjian460@hotmail.com. I have to get consent from Alex and Tom if they want there emails on the site, but I don't give a shit about mine, so just send the emails folks, that's it for the mailbag.

Well my running gag for the past few weeks has been that I curse off Courtney Love, now I'm betting your wondering what is this guy on. Meaning me of course. This review seriously hits sooo much random topics and never has a surreal meaning ever. For me to go into the cursing off of Courtney Love would be too much this week, so lets do the "finale" if you like to say before the Holiday show next week.

Courtney, go fuck yourself.

Well, good to finally be over, short and sweet, sounds good.

Music Talk:
Well, it's been a long time since I brought the music segment back, it's been atleast a good year since I've even brought up music on the review, so lets get into it.

Well, if anybody has noticed recently, theres been a recognizable music change in the world recently. If anybody takes count in the music played in lets say the early 90's, maybe 1992 for example when Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Rage Against the Machine, Soundgarden, Smashing Pumpkins, Guns'n Roses and a movement called Grunge started, well now in 2002 all these bands felt like either taking a decade off or planned it right to come back in the new millennium cause all of these bands are technically back with new music. Nirvana came out with a new song and Greatest Hits set, and even there drummer Dave Grohl is still making a name for himself with the Foo Fighters. Pearl Jam came out with a new cd, which I purchased and it is really good, Eddie and his band came out with a really good cd this time around. Rage and Soundgarden took Rages music and Soundgardens singer and came together to form Audioslave, a rock band that is just plain amazing and anybody that doesn't like this is fucking crazy. Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan and drummer Jimmy Chamberlin started a new band with other members from A Perfect Circle to form Zwan, some messed up name, but awesome sounding music band. And of course a show is nothing without Guns 'n Roses, coming back first at the VMA's this year and now going on tour and maybe coming out with a new cd titled Chinese Democracy. Looking forward to that. So today was pretty much a grunge chat, but usually I'm up to date on these bands and any info anybody needs is welcome to be answered by me.

Oh yeah, one other thing, Lifehouse, 3 doors down, Creed- Stop ripping off fucking Pearl Jam. They all sound like Eddie and the music of Pearl Jam and its pissing the crap out of me. Boy Bands-your almost done, just wait for Justin to be shot by somebody for being too fucking annoying, nobody needs a new Michael Jackson. That's actually the last thing anybody needs. Thanks for your time and patience of reading my little music talk.

Okay, the schedule of hosts for the weeks to come and of course this week in case your that fucking brain dead that you haven't realized this is DeNiros show already.

December 7, 2002- Robert DeNiro and Norah Jones
December 14, 2002- Al Gore and Phish
December 21, 2002- Freezenburnt Christmas (probably some skits from the past on SNL about Christmas)

December 17, 2002- Holiday Special (anybody in the Tri-State Area will probably be able to view this on NBC at 8:00 about SNL.

Onto the pre-show.

Pre-show: Well 5 lines doesn't make any fucking difference, pre-show is the same as anything else. Robert DeNiro is actually making his first hosting gig, he's made cameos in seasons past that were classic, so expect a great show from him. Norah Jones is music, and can anybody really tell me who the hell this person is. No fricking (censor) clue. Wait, who censored this.

Spazo Tom: Yeah, that was me, you've cursed like 30 times in the past page, just toning it down.

Greg: Fine, okay, so Norah Jones, no clue why she's here, but rumor has it, she's not hot, so be ready to change the channel as fast as one of the characters from the most recent Survivor need to be gunned down. Onto the review, stay tuned.

Opening: Homeland Security
-Great start with DeNiro as Craig Fenson for Homeland Security, even thought I have no clue who the hell that guy is.
-Funny premise to it. The crowd will laugh at anything Robert Deniro will say tonight, I guarantee it, I liked this opening a lot, too many names to write down. I don't think I've heard that many prank names before.
-When Deniro did the LFNY tagline, he looked soo not into it at all, he looked bored even.
Grade: A-

Monologue: Robert Deniro
-Good mono, had some laughs, not many though. I think they didn't plan for a hilarious mono, just a calm relaxing mono cause if he's not in every skit tonight, then they show will plummit, so I think they made this 4 laugh mono on purpose.
-I thought it was cool how he just walked off at the end before the commercial.
Grade: B-

Comm: McDonalds Big 'n Tasty
-Good job SNL, all the stoners out there watching this definelty saw the Burger and went out to go grab some munchies, that's a good 40% of the audience, gurantee.
-Dragged on too long, but wasn't bad at all.
Grade: C+

Skit: Thomas Jefferson in 1790
-Deniro was staring at the cue cards the whole time, pretty funny that he was.
-Maya was really good as the Slave that he later impregnated.
-I liked Will, Jimmy, and Parnell doing the talking about DeNiro.
-I liked Tracys little speech at the end.
Grade: B+

Sketch: Peter Pan Auditions
-Great sketch with Deniro as a 50 something playing Peter Pan. Awesome comedy here, this was a good 6 minutes.
-Hitting Tinker Bell, smoking, and hitting John and Michael were DeNiros classic moments in this skit.
-Amy was funny as Wendy.
-Just to note for once, Kattan was actually funny for one in about 17 thousand weeks.
Grade: A

Skit: Santa Clause and his Elves Problems
-Slow skit, hard to believe we were waiting for Maya Rudolph to start off the comedy in this one. She made a real stretch on her acting abailites in this one compared to her other types of characters this season.
-I liked Rachel as the parent.
Grade: C+

Skit/Comm: U.N. Weapons Inspectors
-Short, but pretty funny.
-Darrel as the Iraqi was funny.
-Jimmy and DeNiro were good as the Inspectors.
-Why so Short??
Grade: A-

Sketch: Judge Horace
-This was a take-off of Judge Joe Brown.
-Joe Blow??, how can they use that name, that was Colin Quinn's like only character from the mid 90's.
-Tracy was hilarious as the Judge. I thought it was great when he walked out with the 2 girls in the beginning.
-Horatio was funny as the Fat Chick, why did they make him the girl of all people on the cast.
-Let's give it up for Will Forte, who has been in the show the most he's ever been this season, good job Will.
Grade: B

Music: Norah Jones- "Don't know why"
-Sounds like Macy Gray, but not that much annoying.
Grade: C-

Interlude part 1: by me
Holy crap, nothing has been bad so far this show, everything has been entertaining. If you notice, DeNiro is playing like the same character in every skit, like his voice the way he speaks is the same in ever skit, he's either pissed off or arguing, nonetheless, great comedy. Back to the show.

Weekend Update: Fey 'n Fallon
-Great jokes this week, Jimmy has pretty shitty ones, no rants, Tina had great jokes this week.
-Highlights included: Bush Doll, Bush at Chanukah lighting, Shania Twain singing, Bush Daughters. Lots of Bush and Drinking in the best jokes, can anybody guess what I was on when writing this review?? We'll have to check the egg nog and empty cans in my basement.
-I liked the Bobby Brown (Tracy) and Whitney (Maya) commentary. Tracy has really funny lines, those 2 are such druggies. Pretty funny.
-I did not like the Sopranos boring joke, I think there season is going good, oh yeah, tonight is the finale, should be good, I know your reading this after the finale, so check it on one of the 15 HBO channels out there.
-Kattan/Rachel commentary= sucked.
-What was that noice on Jimmy's last joke??
Grade: A-

Skit: A Very Versace Chanukah
-This sucked, the only good part was everything but Maya. Seriuosly, just take everything in this skit except Maya and you'd have a funny ass skit.
-I liked Horatio as Ozzy and Amy as Sharon. They look just like The Osbournes, its scary. What was Horatio singing at the end??
-DeNiro as Roy and Harvey Keitel as Seigrfire was cool, both funny.
Grade: B

Sketch: Buying an Alantra
-Lazy to review it.
Grade: C

Skit: Divorced Dad
-What's with the F (censor)-in boom mic in every scene.

Greg: Stop the dam censor crap Tom, its pissing me off
Spazo Tom: Fine, just wanted to say see you next week folks, get ready for a classic review.

-DeNiro was funny telling Kattan the story about his ex-wife.
Grade: C+

Music: Norah Jones
-MUTE
Grade: C-

Skit: Channel 5 Late Night Movie- Radioactive Bear
-7 Pages in and I'm lazy. Here we go, I would probably curse and say it was funny, and say something about DeNiro.
Grade: B

Closing Credits: Cut off at the end.

After show: I'll get into that next week, too lazy now.

Actor/Actress of the Night: Jimmy Fallon, Robert DeNiro, Chris Kattan
Skit of the Night: Homeland Security Opening, Peter Pan Auditions, Weekend Update, Channel 5 Late Night Movie
Worst of the Night: NOTHING FOR ONCE
Special Guest: Harvey Keitel

 

Lines of the Night:

From McDonalds commercial:
"The McDonals Corporation had previously believed that this was obvious to all but very small children and morons."- Commentator about eating too much at McDonalds.

From Thomas Jefferson skit:
"Have you ever thought of being a singer."-Robert Deniro as Thomas Jefferson
"It's really not an option for me."-Maya Rudolph as a Slave owned by him.

From Peter Pan Auditions:
"Oh Peter, your ever so queer."-Jeff Richards as Michael
"What did you say to me, you little punk."-Robert DeNiro as Peter Pan

From Update:
"In an interview with Time Magazine, Shania Twain says that she doesn't care if she ever performs again. This marks the first time Shania Twain and I have ever agreed on anything."-Tina Fey

From Divorced Dad:
"There once was a little boy named Leslie."-Robert DeNiro telling a story to his son (Kattan)
"Wait a second, that's my name."-Kattan as Leslie.
"Thank your mother for that."-Robert Deniro to Kattan.

Overall Grade: B+/B

Next weeks shows is definelty going to have the highest audience of the season with Mr. Al Gore and Phish for the show. Al Gore, I feel I don't have to say anything next week on him, but Phish, all I can explain is that they are like The Grateful Dead of the New Age music, so if you like the Dead, you'll like these guys, I haven't heard any of there music myself, but I've heard things about them, and there all good, so tune in for that.

 

What's on Tap Next week:

-The Annual Holiday Special
-My Christmas Wish List, a take off of David Spades segment from '95.
-Spazo Tom has his Winter Update for all those intending on reading good comedy
-No parody song, but a song to end the review, that I wil be working on all week, so tune in for all this shit, thanks.

Well, I guess that's it, see you next week

Wait, live via California for the first time since November 9th, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for my co-commentator Alex.

Alex: Hey all, sorry for not being here, but lets just say that I am now always going to be in trouble in my school even for doing the smallest crimes and stuff.

Greg: Hey, you joined the ranks of the finest being in trouble, like that guy from Family Ties andI don't know, you have anything else to say.

Alex: While I've been away from the review, let me say that I've been following the comedy of George Carlin, please enjoy one of my favorite rants
And now a classic rant by George Carlin. One of my favorites, everyone shold hear his material i believe, dont take this wrong, but read it and think about it.
"Something else I'm getting tired of is all this stupid bullshit we have to hear all the time about CHILDREN. Its all you hear in this country, CHILDREN, save the children, help the children, what about the children? Ya know what I say, "FUCK THE CHILDREN!" Fuck em. They're getting entirely too much attention. You may be thinking, "Jeez he's not going to attack children, is he?" Yes he is! And remember, this is mister conductor talking, I know what I'm talking about. I know all you single dads and soccer moms who think you're such fucking heroes aren't going to like this, but somebody has gotta tell you for your own good. You're children are overrated and overvalued, you've turned them into little cult objects, you have a child fetish, and its not healthy. And don't give me that weak shit "Well, I love my children" Fuck you.- George Carlin

Good to be back, I'll see everyone next week with the closing of my Jolly Rancher Personailty Test and maybe a rant, not sure yet, see ya later.

Greg: God bless editing. Sorry for making this review long.

That's it, see you all next week, thanks for tuning in, good night.