Robert DeNiro / Norah Jones
December 7, 2002

By Chris Schiffmann

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2000/2001 (16) _ 2001/2002 (20) _ 2002/2003 (07)

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Phony SNL Auction Item (Free Mango T-shirt) . TV Moment of the Week (24) .
Pre-Show Thoughts . The Review . The Rankings . Insert Mark Polishuk Here .   
Goodbye with Dan Rather . Next Week . Thanks

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Phony SNL Auction Item: 'Free Mango' T-Shirt [Winona Ryder 02]

Current Highest Bid:  Cost to put Mr.Peepers to sleep

Whenever you visit a prisoner in jail you'll be the coolest vistor there with this T-shirt featuring everybody's favourite diva.

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Television Moment of the Week: "24" 1PM - 2PM: Day Two Jack intergating the women who killed his wife and decieved everyone last season.1:21 P.M.
Jack returns to the interrogation room and pulls out a gun. He fires shots into the wall past Nina,s head, demanding a name from her. Jack aims at her head, and she admits that the man in Visalia is Mamud Faheen. Jack already knows that name, and he wants to know what their relationship is. Faheen had introduced Nina to Joseph Wald because Wald wanted her schematics for CTU. Yet Nina refuses to give Jack Faheen,s exact location unless she is permitted to go to Visalia. Her pardon won,t mean anything if she is killed. Jack turns to the video monitor.! Watching from outside, Mason orders Michelle to notify the authorities in Visalia.

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PRE-SHOW THOUGHTS:

Thanks to Dave Marathon, with no school during American Turkey Day, I managed to watch some 80s Dave. Bruce Willis, Berry White, Randy Bass, some Japanese game show producer and Billy Crystal talking about filming When Harry Met Sally, Tom Hanks talking about filming The Money Pit, SNLer Jon Lovitz, Candice Bergan with her new show Murphy Brown, and Caddyshack II.. It was only two days worth of shows reaired at different times for Sunday and Saturday which is good since if you missed one of the Bill Murray or Jay Leno or Steve Martin ones you can watch it again. The most interesting guest to watch was Jay Leno. He came out with a big paper bag full of Mr.Beef sandwhiches. He ate like three during the interview in Chicago. Anyway just so odd to see these two on the same show. Watching this you can see that Leno, Conan, ! Kilborn, and Tom Green were fans of the show. Letterman broke mostly all the talk show barriers, and the stuff we see today is the norm, while back then was new. Trio will air Late Night 10 EST/CST starting in 2003. Giddy up. 

E-Mail of Interest....

From: <mailto:Cstuart2000@cs.com>Cstuart2000@cs.com  

STFU! That Donahue skit was the funniest ever!!! And your right he really does act that way!! Why you mentioned OReily is just too obvious..The truth hurts you liberals like holy water to a satanist! And you guys do eat your own!! Ask Donahue how he fells being cut to pieces!!! I guess small bites are easier to swallow...

No, I enjoyed the O'Reily sketch from last season more than that one. Jeff had a great impression and the sketch was a perfect parody of The Factor, its just that not enough people watch both shows. For the Donahue sketch, you really didn't have to watch the show to find it funny.

Just want to say I'm Canadian, I don't affliate myself with any party (one reason is I'm not old enough to vote) I don't watch the shows daily, occasionally for a couple of minutes. I just read IDMb everyday and they inform me that Donahue is doing terrible in the ratings. So whatever the fuck you said to me I could careless. There both good shows.

Later

Haven't watched Chevy's Roast, only the pre-show. But Comedy Central always has Roast Week. Haven't watch The Osbournes yet, waiting for a few shows so MTV will air a mini-marathon. Well watched some of the second one. Haratio will be bring back Ozzy soon.

Robert DeNiro hosts for the first time. Recently DeNiro has done some comedy movies which co-starred former SNLers (Crystal, Stiller) I think this will be more similar to the Ian McKellan show where it will have a variety of roles and DeNiro in stuff you would never think of. Better not be a dud. I'm thinking another Bush opening. One special guest.

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COLD OPENING: Tom Ridge's Briefing [9.0/10]

Tom Ridge returns, and tells us the warning is now Magenta. Darrell steps aside for Bobby DeNiro. Unexpected. Even more unexpected would have DeNiro do mostly fart jokes. But there were penis and vagina jokes. Good work high school and college students. They would make the owner of Moe's Tavern into a raging psycho. Best opening of the season, DeNiro's role could've been someone else. Good to see DeNiro not break up.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: A Real Monolouge by DeNiro [7.4/10]

Many people are satisfied. I mean I was waiting for Kattan to come out as Pacino or Fallon as himself. Luckily that didn't happen. Bonus points for DeNiro going solo.

COMMERICIAL:  Big N'Tasty [7.9/10]

I haven't tried the burger, but read about the morons suing McDonald's for the reasons stated in this funny commerical.

SKETCH: TJ and his Lady [7.9/10]

SNL does a old timey historical sketch, and works for the most part. Takes an unexpected swerve with Tracy Morgan appearing at the end. As you can see Jefferson calling himself TJ was the best part. Slave jokes were done tastefully.

SKETCH: Peter Pan [8.5/10]

Well this worked, Kattan's character is such awe of the crappy Peter Pan played by DeNiro he doesn't notice how the production is doomed to fail. The Tinkerbell thing was good, and anyone dressed up as Peter Pan saying flying seems gay is hillarious. Sketch capped off by DeNiro beating up Jeff Richards. Notice DeNiro's tights falling down during the sketch? Horse tranq quip was hillarious."Oh Peter you're ever so queer."

SKETCH: Santa and his Elf [7.8/10]

Had some good parts, the child in the sketch didn't crack up. Can SNL's costume department provide a better beard next year. That was a pretty crappy beard. Parnell did a decent job here. Happy ending.

SHOW: UN Weapon Inspectors [7.4/10]

DeNiro and Fallon play UNWI and they seem to have a easy job. Armisen has a easy night, move his eyes around and say no. I would've like to have seen this expanded.

SHOW: Judge Horace [6.9/10]

Tracy does a little Crank Yankers nod and mentions another person named Kool-Aid. Haratio really provided the laughs in this not so good sketch. Good concept, if brought back again it better be better.

WEEKEND UPDATE: with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey [7.1/10]

Sadly worse than the last WU. Nothing really worked this week except the Shania and Sturm Thurmond joke. Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston didn't succeed. The fake sweat saved their appearence at the WU Door. Kattan and Dratch didn't do well either. The Ford World Curling Championship that NBC will air (30 minute highlight package) will actually be hosted here in Nia Vardalos' former home. Winnipeg is the curling capital of the world. Anyway, WU had better get there act together. It was always the one segment you can count on.

SHOW: Look Good, Smoking and End it! [5.5/10]

This sketch was saved. Donetella earned zero laughs, the sketch was saved from Ozzy, Sharon and the the special guest I predicted that would appear. Harvey Keitel. The writers couldn't come up with a sketch to use the Osbournes? DeNiro's entrace didn't get laughs. But Keitel and DeNiro were quite a couple. Maya was good in her first two appearences but not this one. Ugggh.

SKETCH: Car Sales Man [7.2/10]

A couple wants the standard car, and a salesman beats the husband to get the upgrades. The fake slaps were pulled off well.

SKETCH: The Squirrel Story [6.9/10]

DeNiro continues to have trouble reading the cards. An alright sketch.

MOVIE: The Radioactive Bear [7.7/10]

A good way to close this show, since it was better than the last bunch of sketches. The stupid concept worked. Will Forte helped the sketch with his hunter character. Small gun, armed be ripped off with no blood, raped by a bear, eating a poisoned sandwhich. Parnell had some good lines. Good to see Darrell made another appearence. And Fallon dies at the end.

The title Channel 5 Late Night Movie, reminded me of 80s Dave. Back then CBS would air something called the CBS Late Night Movie, but it was reruns of old shows, different each day. Then they changed it to CBS Late Night, but would still air reurns. Dave calls up CBS in California. Apparently the guy was busy but had a good conversation with his secretary.

OVERALL SHOW RATING: 97.2/130 = [74.8/100]

Well the show has it's strong and weak moments. DeNiro he can perform for the most part (lines) I'd like to see him come back. He seemed to have enjoyed himself. He dominated the show. His opening role and UNWI role could've went to other castmembers. Forte had some good bit parts. No Dean. Maya and Tracy did well for the most part. Parnell put back on the back burner, he did his usual voice over stuff. Last sketch he was in was good. Kattan was alright his stage director was his best of the night. DeNiro had some roles with attitude. Not the best of the season, a improvement from Murphy's show.

TONIGHT'S THREE MALE STARS
are brought to you by Kaufman's Big And Tall, And Short And Small Sephardic Jew Men's Clothing Store

01 - Robert DeNiro (Ridge's buddy, and a bunch of roles that were potential dignity destroyers, acted well but couldn't read lines perfectly. Good performance)

02 - Haratio Sanz (the fat chick in court and Ozzy)

03 - Tracy Morgan (his comedy potential judge, the fake sweat, his suprise appearence the fact that the other males didn't do much)

TONIGHT'S THREE FEMALE STARS
are brought to you by e.p.t.

01 - Amy Poehler (Wendy, Sharon and Paige. Actually appeared this week.)

02 - Maya Rudolph (First two appearences were good, her third was medicore and her fourth sucked.)

03 - Rachel Dratch (the Mom and the old woman who went ugh, was better than what Tina was doing this week.)

FUNNIEST THREE SEGMENTS:  Tom Ridge's Briefing, TJ and his Lady, Peter Pan

IMPRESSIVE IMPRESSIONS: Haratio as Ozzy Osbourne, Amy as Sharon Osbourne, Darrell as Tom Ridge, Maya as Whitney Houston & Donetella Versache, Tracy as Bobby Brown

Honorable Mentions: DeNiro and Keitel as Seigfreid & Roy

MONOLOUGE RANKINGS:

[01] - Brittany Murphy NOV 16 (8.4)
[02] - Matt Damon OCT 05 (8.3)  
[03] - Nia Vardalos NOV 09 (7.5)
[04] - Robert DeNiro DEC 07 (7.4)
[05] - Eric McCormack NOV 02 (7.0)
[06] - John McCain OCT 19 (6.4) 
[07] - Sarah Michelle Gallar OCT 12 (5.4)

 

TOP TEN COMMERICALS:

[01] - NRA Happy Hunting (8.4) [Damon]
[02] - NRA Reminds You (8.3) [Damon]
[03] - NutriQuick (8.0) [Damon]  
[04] - Welcome Back, Potter (8.0) [Murphy]
[05] - Drop the LBs with Missy E (7.5) [Vardalos]   
[06] - Big N'Tasty (7.5) [DeNiro]
[07] - John Handcock Insurance (7.4) [McCormack] 
[08] - Pier 1 (7.4) [Vardalos]    
[09] - Glenda Goodwin Attorney (7.3) [Vardalos]
[10] - CORONA #3 (7.2) [Gellar]

WEEKEND UPDATE RANKINGS:

[01] - John McCain OCT 19 (8.9) 
[02] - Matt Damon OCT 05 (8.8)
[03] - Nia Vardalos NOV 09 (8.7)
[04] - Eric McCormack NOV 02 (7.9)
[05] - Sarah Michelle Gellar OCT 12 (7.6) 
[06] - Brittany Murphy NOV 16 (7.3)
[07] - Robert DeNiro DEC 07 (7.1)

EPISODE RANKINGS [average]

[01] - (78.5) Nia Vardalos NOV 09
[02] - (77.6) John McCain OCT 19
[03] - (76.3) Matt Damon OCT 05
[04] - (74.8) Robert DeNiro DEC 07 
[05] - (65.3) Brittany Murphy NOV 16
[06] - (63.8) Eric McCormack NOV 02
[07] - (63.4) Sarah Michelle Gellar OCT 12

Insert Mark Polishuk Here: The Carsalesman. He likes Japanese cars and smacking around Red Sox fans. Or the actor who played Peter Pan. While Mark doesn't smoke he likes women with nice racks, only wears stuff he's worn and likes wearing tights.

---------------And so now its time to say goodbye.--------------------------

Dan Rather: Alright, folks. This has been a night of surprises, and here's one more. Carl, go down to the basement. Mabel, get in here, take your clothes off, and put these shoes on. Also the hat. Now, put one leg up on that chair, arch your back and listen to this, cause it,s a humdinger. (pause) CBS News is now projecting that Walter Cronkite has gonorrhea. Now, with anthrax, scurvy, and yellow fever, the last thing he needs is the clap. But he's got it, and he's got it good. If I was a betting man, I'd say his chances of survival are slim and none - and slim just left town.

NEXT WEEK: Al Gore No one knows what to expect. Well something with Hammond. And WU should break the streak of not being up to standards. But other than that, SNL this gamble better pay off.

THANKS TO:  FallonFey.com, saturdaynightlivetv.com, SNLARC, SNL Transcripts, SNL HQ, Fox.com/24, The SNL Mesage Board, Saturday-Night-Live.com and for you for either skimming or reading this.

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